by Anne Thomas
"Gah - I don't feel like doing that!"
"We could go down to the gym - they have a kick-boxing class today. I talked to the lady, she says she's worked with the blind before and she'll be happy to help you."
"No."
"How about the Rock Candy store? We can play guess-the-flavour?"
"No."
"A board game or card game?"
"I don't want to do any of that stuff!"
"What do you feel like doing then?" Sometimes it's like dealing with a child.
"I don't know! You think of something! All we do is sit around all day listening to music or go for walks! We never do anything!"
"Whose fault is that? I suggest a million things we could do and you just complain about everything!" I semi-yell at him. I tire of his shit. Today he is sporting an old Cure t-shirt and is wearing jeans made in the 1980s. I don't know where he actually finds these clothes, but they're hideous. Strangely though, I wouldn't have him any other way. There is nothing like taking awful clothes off a magnificent body.
"Whatever."
"Are you kidding me?"
"Just go if you're that bored of me." Levi says sulkily, folding his arms.
"You were the one who said you were bored, not me!" He doesn't say anything, just turns his face from me and slides his reflective glasses onto his nose. His version of avoiding eye contact.
"For Christ's sake! You're impossible! You're acting like such a child. Why do I bother? How about this? Let's go see a movie? Play laser-tag? Paintball? Go-karting? Watch Lord of the Rings and play the 'Oh Sam!' drinking game? Oh wait, we can't because you can't do any of that stuff because you're fucking blind!"
"Thanks for reminding me! I had totally managed to forget that little fact!" He yells.
"I thought it was act like a complete asshole day in the Levi Weston household! I go out of my way to think of things we can do together and you just shit all over them! I don't know what you want from me."
"Just go away, Casey. I don't want to be around you."
"Aghh! Fine. I'm leaving. Call me when you've grown up, dickhead."
I storm out of the house, slamming the front door.
Three days later my phone rings. It's Levi calling, for the first time.
"Hello."
"Hi, Case."
"What do you want?"
"To apologise. I'm really sorry. I was an asshole."
"Yeah. You were. I said some mean things too, though and I'm sorry for that."
"Honestly? It was kind of warranted. I just get so frustrated relying on you for everything. I would love to be able to take you somewhere and do things for you, but I'm just so useless."
"You're not, Levi. You just have terrible self image. You could do plenty of stuff. You're not a hopeless child, you're just blind."
"Easy for you to say."
"Is it really? I think I've known you long enough to say that you need to step out of this pity-party you're throwing for yourself and man up. You're never getting your eyesight back but you can have other things. You can have fun; you can do all that physical stuff you used to love. Maybe not soccer."
"Football."
"Sorry, football, but you can do anything! You can go out and party, have healthy relationships but you just choose to be this victim through everything. It's very frustrating for me."
"I know. I'm sorry. I really like you Casey and I know you do so much for me and you really do make me happy... I feel so indebted to you..."
"Well, you're not. So stop thinking that. You think I get nothing out of this relationship? You're a funny guy when you want to be. You're interesting and smart. You're dynamite in bed. I get a lot of stuff from you." I hear him laugh embarrassedly down the phone line. He gets all weird and teenager-ish whenever I talk about sex, although he enjoys it well enough.
A month later I graduate university. My mother and Levi are both in the crowd, sitting together. It was an awkward first meeting moment. I hadn't warned mum that Levi is blind. I hadn't warned her I was bringing my boyfriend. I'm not even sure I told her I had a boyfriend. It came as a bit of a shock.
"So... congratulations Professor!" Levi has his hands on my waist.
I laugh up at him, "Getting a bachelor’s degree does not a professor make."
"Close enough though." He lowers his head and brushes a kiss across my grinning lips. I return it enthusiastically until mum coughs very unsubtly. I laugh and pull away from him, keeping my arm around his waist.
"Congratulations, honey. You look beautiful and you're so clever! I'm sad I have to work later and we can't go out for dinner."
"That's okay mum, we'll go sometime next week when you aren't on night shift."
"Alright, sweetie. I have to go now, but you kids have fun. Levi, it was a pleasure meeting you. Take care of my little girl."
"Will do, Mrs Butler."
"Please, it's Caitlyn."
"Okay, Caitlyn. I enjoyed meeting you." Levi smiles at my mum genuinely and I stare at him, still flabbergasted by his amazing looks as I was at the beginning. When I finally realise mum is grinning at me like I'm an infatuated twelve-year-old girl I laugh and flap my hand at her-
"Away with you! Don't work too hard!"
"I never do!" She calls as she walks away through the sea of proud parents and black robed graduates.
"So..." I say, pulling Levi close to me by the lapels of his jacket, "Does this mean you will bow to my greater knowledge at all times now?" I murmur it into his ear, brushing my lips along his cheekbone.
He snakes his arm around my waist, spins me around so my back is flush against his chest. "Not on your life. In fact, I believe I will argue with you all the more enthusiastically."
"That will be difficult, since we argue about almost everything already."
"Nothing is impossible, clever clogs." He kisses where my neck and shoulder meet and I shiver.
"Good lord, Levi. You know neck kisses are my undoing. In public, really?"
He laughs. It is a good sound. He laughs a lot more now. And smiles all the time. I compare him now to the man I first met - I think I have done good things for him. "Doesn't it make it more fun? Besides, public or private. It's all the same to me. Plus, your ass is all up on my junk. It's driving me crazy."
I grin and move against him, relieved we are standing in relative privacy behind a couple of bushes.
"No fair!" He groans into my hair.
"All's fair in love and war."
"So it's war is it? Oh-ho - it's on now." Then he starts tickling.
"No!" I squeak. "Oh god! Stop, stop! You win!" I dart away from him, laughing. I'm glowing from his attention, from success at finally graduating, from being utterly happy with my life.
"I didn't though. Because now I'm not touching you. And also with all this noise I can't find you..."
I smile devilishly and creep up behind him. I try to be quiet but he probably hears me coming. Wrapping my arms around his middle, I rest my head on his shoulder. He puts his hands over mine and squeezes.
"Case. I have a present for you. A graduation present."
I slip around him and press a quick kiss to his lips, "You didn't have to get me anything!"
"I know, I wanted to." He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a small jewelry box, pressing it into my hands. I open it and gasp. There is a thin chained silver necklace inside with a tiny, delicate tree of life charm on it.
"Levi, it's beautiful. Thank you so much."
"It's nothing," He mutters, brushing his fingers over my cheekbone. At the beginning of our relationship I would be constantly getting surprised by the little touches. Now I'm used to it. Levi is constantly touching me, he likes particularly running his fingers over my face, along my arms, down my back. He must know my body better than I know it. I think he likes to reassure himself that I'm there still. "I know it seems cliché but I wanted to get you a charm that means something. You gave me my life back, Casey, you really did. Before you came charging through my life I w
as just living such an empty existence. It is I who should thank you."
I throw my arms around his shoulders and pull his face down to kiss him. Afterwards we stand there, foreheads resting against each other, breath mingling. I never thought I would feel like this - I couldn't even imagine these feelings. So wonderful. He makes me feel like the most amazing creature in the world.
– – – * * * – – –
I think the dinner this evening could have gone better. I don't know if this latest rift between us can be healed - I don't know if I want it to be. I sit in the backyard of my house and stare out into the darkness thinking about how different my life is from what I imagined when I was a kid. The mosquitoes are swarming - my blood is ripe for the sucking tonight - I can hardly dredge up the energy to swat at them. For me back then life equalled adventure - it was a new place every month. It was trekking in Nepal, Machu Picchu or Africa. It was snowboarding in the Rockies or the Alps. It was sailing in the Carribean. I never pictured having a blind boyfriend, a degree that was a waste of time and money and a job that pays minimum wage and gets me verbally abused every other day. In my head it never panned out like this. If you'd asked me a week ago, a month ago I'd say all that stuff was nothing, that what I have now is everything. That I was happy.
Early last week Pene decided to host a dinner party - black tie and everything for a small group of us. I was to bring Levi as a kind of formal introduction to the group. Lena insisted on bringing Handsome Hague saying he looked damn fine in formal wear and besides, we all like to eat, right? As Pene and I couldn't fault this kind of logic Hague declared that we invite Zeke and Anthony. Unfortunately, Anthony was rostered on and since I was the only one who could swap shifts with him and that sure wasn't going to happen, he bowed out gracefully. This turned out to be a good thing because Zeke decided to bring KayT and no one wanted Anthony mooning over her all evening. Plus, he was a little creepy and you had to be in a good mood to put up with him for more than a couple of hours in such close quarters.
So there were seven of us and it was all going swimmingly. Levi was charming the pants off everyone - I'd never seen him so agreeable or so spectacular as in that suit he'd pulled from somewhere! Unfortunately, this was not to last. I think it was somewhere between mains (Pene's uncle Hegarty's beef and Guinness pie) and dessert (vanilla pannacotta with berry coulis and passionfruit) when Pene started the fateful conversation that may have completely destroyed my love life.
"So Case, when are you headed to Peru?" She was laughing as she said it and had a glass of sweet sparkling Moscato in her hand which she was waving about enthusiastically. I think she was trying to divert attention from herself as a moment earlier she had accidentally laughed while drinking and snorted some out her nose. Good plan, Pene.
"What?" I said, thoroughly confused as I didn't have any travel plans for the immediate future and I couldn't recall saying anything to her recently - on the drink or off.
"Don't you remember in high school? You used to have all those plans and scrapbooks made of travel brochures-" She turned to Zeke, "She actually got banned from the local travel agent because she would be in there every other day stealing catalogues and stuff!" I grinned at the memory, it was a good natured ban, but a ban all the same. What a rebel I was. "You were obsessed with leaving this place - South America, you reckoned." Pene looked around the table, "She said once she was there she'd never leave. I'm glad you never went because I would miss you!"
Lena, who had gone to school with us for only year twelve thought now a prime time to chime in, "Yes! I remember! You were crazy about it." She laughed, "I thought you were mad. What ever happened to that?"
"I don't know," I said, "Life, I guess. I went to uni, I got a job that pays just enough to get by. My saving account never has more than eleven dollars..." At this point I was joking around with them, "I guess I'd still like to go but... I dunno..." Then I looked at Levi. He was staring down at his plate opposite me. His shoulders were tense and his face blank. Beside Pene, Hague was looking curiously at him too. I'd seen this look before on Levi - the first couple of times I'd met him this defensive, almost violent expression had graced his features. I didn't understand why he was like this now - moments before he'd been showing everyone his party trick which involved him smelling a dish and reciting the ingredients. What had put him on edge now?
There was a tense silence emanating from Levi's direction for a good half hour, all of which was filled with questioning looks and a lot of eyebrow waggling on my friend’s parts and a lot of shrugging on mine.
"Right. I'm having a shot." Zeke announced, once dessert had sufficiently settled, "Anyone keen?" It turned out no one but Lena was, and since she's always keen, this wasn't enough for Zeke. "Anyone else? Come on guys!" He peered around the table, "Levi! You look like a man who needs a shot - how about it?"
Levi rocked back in his seat, "Sure, why not? What are we having?" Prior to this moment I'd never seen anyone so adamantly negative about shots - apparently Levi was undergoing a significant personality change.
"Ray Charles, it's called, Chartruese and Black Sambuca. It's awful and beautiful at the same time." Lena, in the middle of a game of footsies with Handsome Hague, paused long enough to demand an explanation for the shot name. "'Cause it gets you blind!" Zeke said and then started laughing. A moment later he choked on his chuckle, though, when he realised the present company. I wasn't too worried about Levi making a fuss - he was pretty relaxed with things like that.
The awkward silence, however, stretched right across the Indian until Levi shrugged, "Shouldn't have much of an effect on me then. Let's do it."
"That's what she said!" Pene chimed in, as she always did when someone said 'let's do it'. The relieved laughter from Levi's announcement changed immediately to groans and calls for Pene to get off stage and get a real job.
The shots, eventually lined up by me, because I work in a bar and apparently this makes me the only nominee to do anything concerning liquid at this party, looked horrible. They were downed one after another amongst rambunctious group wooping and applause. Levi stopped at four, for which I was relieved, I didn't want to be dragging him home trailing vomit.
"Case?" Pene yelled from the kitchen after we'd settled into the living room, "Do you want another glass of wine?"
"No thanks - I'm driving." Beside me Levi stiffened, then removed his already cold fish hand from mine.
"Okay, so I was researching what to do at dinner parties if conversation flags - " Pene had to yell this over the racket our chatting was churning up - "And it said a really good one was making everyone say who they would most like to fuck and gain power over in the history of the world."
Everyone stared at her for a beat, then collectively shrugged. "Okay, host, you start." I said.
"Well, I've actually put some thought into this!" She looked rather pleased with herself, "I would sleep with Franz Schubert because then he would play me the most romantic music the next day and whenever I wanted..." She sighed and looked all spacey.
In the corner, KayT, who had been very quiet all evening, spoke up, "Didn't he die of syphilis?" This announcement brought about a round of hysterical laughter and Pene was booed out of the room.
She returned a moment later with another glass of wine and red cheeks. "Alright, alright! So that was a bad one! Well, KayT, who would you sleep with?"
"Jesus. Obviously. Then I would have the largest zombie army known to man." Nobody really thought that was obvious but agreed that it was kind of cool and so KayT was allowed to stay in the room. Pene started to talk again but KayT cut in - "No! I want to choose who goes next!" She then proceeded to peer around the room like we were all suspects in a murder investigation - "Zeke! Who would you fuck?"
"Uhh... I don't know! Beyonce probably." It was widely agreed that this answer sucked, so we peer pressured him into doing another Ray Charles and then nagged him to choose the next person. "Hmmm who will I choose? Casey. You have been selected to go to t
he Island..."
"Oh shut up, you. Now let me think." An expectant silence descended and in the middle of that Levi snorted rather rudely. "What's wrong with you?" I asked, glancing across at him.
"Nothing - I just thought you'd fucked everyone already..."
You could have heard a pin drop at that moment, despite the music blaring from the speakers. I stared at Levi in shock for a moment before struggling to my feet. "I, umm, excuse me." I said quietly, then walked calmly down the hall to the bathroom.
Behind me I heard Zeke burst out - "What the fuck, dude? You're a real wanker, you know?"
I stood in front of the mirror and stared at myself, trying to figure out what made me so repulsive in the last hour.
"What is wrong, Casey?" Hague had moved like a ghost down the hall and was standing at the bathroom door.
"I don't know." I looked down at my hands. "He's not usually like this."
"I sure hope not. That was incredibly rude. I almost got up and punched the guy out - blind or not! I'm fairly certain Zeke will poison his next drink if you don't keep an eye out."
"I'm glad you didn't."
"You know what it is, don't you?"
"No! You do?"
"Yeah, ever since Pene was saying what you were like in high school he went weird. He thinks he's holding you back."
"What?"
"He thinks, because he's blind and can't really travel and do all those things you want to, that you are being held back, anchored here by him."
"But that's ridiculous! I wasn't exactly a jetsetter before I met him!"
"You had dreams."
"I still do."
"Exactly." Hague turned to leave and then paused - "Just a heads up, it's going to get worse. He will push you away until you break. Until you hate him and leave him."
"Why? How do you know this?"
"Because I did it to a girl once. Back when I was an idiot and into drugs." He looked at me sadly, "It was the only way to make her life better." Then he left. I heard him rejoin the party which had awkwardly begun to perk up again, trying to ignore Levi's comment. When we left school Hague had a brief but terrifying phase where he spent all his time off his tits on drugs. Any kind would do. A near death overdose experience brought him back down to earth and thankfully he hasn't touched anything since, but I know the urge is still there. I see it in his eyes when we go out sometimes.
