He would never forget the last letter he received from her. Her words cut deep into his heart. She had fallen in love with another man and was going to marry him.
Devastated and angered by the news, Benjamin buried his sorrow in whiskey. For many months, everywhere he looked, he saw her image and that caused him to drink all the more. After time her image began to fade and only fragments of memory would invade his consciousness. But even with the fading memories, his dependence on alcohol did not fade. His whiskey had become his lover and overshadowed her ghost. But at times, she would still find a way into the crevices of his mind and cause him pain. He often had walked the same walks they had taken as a couple. He would go to their favorite restaurant and there, would sulk for hours.
But now, he knew he was over her. He sat up on the side of the bed and poured another drink of whiskey. The burning of the whiskey flowing down his throat removed all traces of her and for that he was thankful.
Benjamin left memories and empty whiskey bottles behind in the hotel room in Iowa City. He had gone on a binge for several days but now, three days later, he was clear-headed and sober.
As he rode his horse toward Marshalltown, he was enjoying the early morning sunshine. The Iowa sky above was blue and spotted with fair weather cumulus clouds.
It was close to noon when Benjamin arrived at the Garrison farm. As he rode in he saw Robert in the corral tending the horses.
When Robert saw him approaching, he yelled out, “Hey guy, how the hell you doing?” The warmth of his smile echoed in his voice.
“Pretty good, how about you?” Benjamin replied. He slid off his horse and tied the reins to the corral fence adjoining the water trough.
Robert greeted him at the corral gate. He offered one hand for a firm handshake and patted Benjamin on the shoulder with the other hand. “Good,” he said. “The farm keeps me jumping but I’ve got it under control. Just planted the spring crop and if we don’t get a late frost it’ll be good. So what brings you to our neck of the woods?”
Benjamin replied, “Sales. Had to go to Iowa City to take some orders and then stopped by the Evert’s place in Davenport, and ordered up some logs at the river. Heading out to Ames next.”
“How’s old man Evert doing? Haven’t seen him for awhile.”
“Ornery as ever.”
Robert chuckled. “Didn’t really expect him to be any different. How’s things in Collins? Everybody okay?”
“Yeah. All seem to be doing fine. Saw your mama Catherine last week and she was as spunky as ever.”
Robert smiled, “That’s good to know. You hear from your brother, Silas?”
Benjamin stiffened at the question. “Ah, yeah. He’s a fight’n them damn Rebels.”
“So’s James.” Robert sighed. “Hope them boys make it back okay. Mary’s cooking up ham and sweet potatoes for supper. You’ll stay, won’t you?”
Benjamin’s face brightened at the suggestion. “Sure, that’d be great.”
“Mary’ll be glad to see you. It’s been awhile. Come on. Let’s tell Mary you’re here.”
They started walking toward the house.
Benjamin asked, “How are the kids?”
“Growing too damn fast. The two boys are in school and little Marie is already insisting that she will go to school soon.”
They walked up onto the porch. Robert opened the door and called out, “Mary, look who I found wandering around the yard.”
Mary was chopping vegetables in the kitchen and turned to see who was with her husband. Her light brown hair was pinned up, a few loose tendrils hanging down. She wore a full bibbed apron over a colorful print dress. She smiled broadly, “Benjamin! What a surprise.” She quickly moved from the kitchen and greeted him with a warm embrace and a kiss on his cheek.
In his peripheral vision, Benjamin saw a woman standing across the room and it flashed through his mind that there was something familiar but his attention stayed on Mary. “How have you been? You’re looking healthy. The last time I saw you, you weren’t feeling too well.”
“Oh, that passed. I’m fine,” she said. “How about you?”
“Good.” His eyes wandered to the woman and what he saw made his heart plunge to his stomach.
Mary said, “Come, you have to meet my sister-in-law, Lucinda, James’s wife.”
There stood the only woman Benjamin had ever loved.
He froze and neither of them moved as they faced each other.
He felt as if he was off balance, about to fall over. He squared his shoulders and took a deep breath trying to recover his composure.
Mary, unaware of what was happening, grabbed his arm and led him toward Lucinda. And in those moments, all the memories of their time together flashed before him in vivid color. She was as beautiful as ever. Her hair was pulled back on each side with a ribbon. She wore a white blouse belted into a long denim skirt that hugged her slim waist and hips. Her blue eyes were on his and he could see in them the same shock he was feeling. She held out her hand and said quietly, “Hello, Benjamin.”
At a loss for words, he managed somehow to say, “Hello, Lucinda.” He took her outstretched hand but quickly dropped it.
And in that moment, he realized he had not ever gotten over Lucinda Brown.
Lucinda’s heart was beating overtime and she felt a little light headed as she stood in the living room of Robert and Mary Garrison staring with disbelief at Benjamin.
Robert offered, “This is Silas’s brother. We haven’t seen him for awhile and it’s good to have him here.”
Lucinda nodded. Unsure of what to say, she quickly replied, “I would never have guessed you’re brothers.”
He gave her a smile as he dropped her hand, and said, “I often hear that.” He turned to greet the children.
Lucinda watched Benjamin interacting with the children and his playfulness took her back nearly six years to their time together, a time often filled with lighthearted fun and laughter.
But it now seemed like a lifetime ago. He had been her first love. She recalled a conversation she had with her Aunt Maggie after the breakup of her marriage and before she had met James. At that time she had wondered about Benjamin and wondered if she had made a mistake in leaving him in Chicago. She remembered the heavy rain that had mixed with her tears as she said goodbye to him and boarded the train for Philadelphia. How difficult it had been for her several months later when she wrote him that she was about to marry another man. But now, seeing him again, she wondered how difficult that news had been for him. She recalled her secret wish that he would come to Philadelphia and declare his love for her. How different it would have been if he had. She shuddered when she thought about those two nightmarish years she had spent in that awful marriage. She had retreated from Benjamin because of his drinking and then married a man with even worse problems.
A number of times in her quiet introspective moments she had told herself that it might have worked with her and Benjamin. Her Aunt Maggie had given her a “cheer up” talk one day when she was feeling low. She told Lucinda first young loves are often passionate, but more often, do not have lasting qualities. She supposed at that time she gained a little comfort from the wisdom her elderly aunt bestowed on her but she could not let go of the idea that somehow she might have been able to brush aside the drinking and that he could have overcome it. But in her heart she knew better. Her heart had told her he could not. So at a time when her heart was speaking loudest to her she decided to go to Philadelphia for schooling and move on with her life without Benjamin in it.
But of course, if things had been different then she would not have met James.
She had to admit she had always felt a little guilty about the way she had ended things with Benjamin and seeing him reminded her.
As she watched him she could see the changes she had not noticed when he first walked into the house. He was a mature man now. His hair was receding slightly, his face no longer held the softness of youth and faint lines around his da
rk blue eyes and on his forehead had deepened. Heavier now, he had a commanding manner and a well-muscled body.
She wondered why he had lied to her. He had told her his name was Sturme. She was curious as to why he had used another name. In these years since she had met James and his extended family it had never occurred to her that Benjamin was part of the Iowa Storm family. There was no reason to have thought so. She had heard of Benjamin, Silas’s brother, but never dreamed that he was ... she was confused by all this ... and uncomfortable. She wanted to walk out the door and go home and pretend Benjamin had not walked through that door a few minutes ago.
Knowing she could not do that, she would just make the best of the afternoon. She hoped Benjamin would not reveal to Robert and Mary the fact that they had been lovers. She was in no mood to discuss any of it with her husband’s family.
Yet, even with a strong desire to keep the secret guarded, she longed for a few moments alone with Benjamin, even though the thought of private conversation in close proximity to this now mature man made her very nervous. Memories of the good times with him were stirring-up her emotions.
That realization should be cautioning her, she knew that. But, after all, they were no longer those young lovers. Time and events had changed that. But could she trust herself to remember that?
She was more than nervous. She was frightened. She turned away and went toward the kitchen, unconsciously twisting the wedding band on her finger as she walked across the room.
It was late afternoon as Benjamin and Lucinda walked slowly along the border of the planted fields. The Garrison children were a distance ahead of them, skipping and running in playfulness. The afternoon had been pleasant enough and Mary’s excellent cooking had produced a good meal. Richard was finishing his outside chores while Mary remained in the house.
They had walked a distance from the house and were beyond the barn when Benjamin decided to leave the small talk behind and grab the opportunity to say in private what had been on his mind all afternoon. He noticed Lucinda’s uneasiness now that they were alone but ignored it as he stopped walking and reached out and gently took her arm in an attempt to stop her stride. She paused and looked at him. He smiled softly at her. His voice was calm, his gaze steady as he asked, “How have you been, Lucinda?”
Her face clouded with uneasiness. She sighed deeply before answering. “I’ve been fine,” she replied. “How about you?”
He lied. “I’ve been fine, too.” He was aware that she probably knew him well enough to know he was not telling the truth. He had mixed emotions as he stood in such close proximity to her. On one hand he wanted to take her in his arms and again feel her bare skin against his and on the other he wanted to scream out in anger at her for leaving him. Confused by the moment, he yearned for a shot of whiskey to bring some comfort from the haunting memories of her that had been with him all these years and had resurfaced again with seeing her. “Lucinda, what happened between us?” He said the words tentatively as if afraid to hear her response. His voice dropped as he continued, “I’ve never understood. What we had was good.”
She bit her lip and then said, “I don’t know, Benjamin. I guess it wasn’t meant to be. We were young ....”
He said, “We were in love.” He saw her wince at those words.
She lowered her eyes from his. “I suppose we were, but that was a long time ago.”
“Sometimes it seems like lifetimes ago, and at other times it seems like yesterday. I’ve missed you.”
“Don’t Benjamin. Please.”
He ignored her comment. “You have to know. I’ve fooled myself into believing you didn’t matter anymore. But you do, Lucinda.”
She looked him straight in the eyes as she said, “No, Benjamin, it’s long over. There’s nothing—”
His voice was firm, “You’re wrong.”
She became indignant. “How dare you. It’s over. I’m married to James.”
“Yeah, right. Where is your husband? Why isn’t he here with you?” he taunted.
Sudden anger lit her eyes. “Enough, Benjamin! You know where he is and why. I don’t want to hear any more.”
The last thing he wanted to do was to make her angry, or was it? Maybe her anger would make it easier for him to walk away and not look back. He recklessly pushed ahead. “What happened to your first marriage? Thought you were in love with that guy and just had to marry him.”
Her anger had not left her eyes and her voice was taut as she said, “Why are you doing this? I made a mistake, so what.”
The corner of his mouth twitched as he said, “Maybe you made a mistake in marrying James.”
She shot him a cold stare. “The only mistake I made was not leaving here today when you walked in.”
He snickered. “That’s a lie. You didn’t want to leave. You couldn’t take your eyes off me all day. Who you kidding?”
“Benjamin, I’ve heard enough!” She abruptly turned away and he grabbed her arm pulling her into him. His mouth came down on hers before she could protest. Within a moment she struggled free, her blue eyes blazing with fury. “I can’t believe you did that!” she cried. She moved away swiftly and he ran to catch up with her.
“Lucinda, I’m sorry,” he pleaded. “I didn’t mean to. I’m sorry.”
She stopped and turned to face him. “Benjamin, if you ever try anything like that again—”
“Please, Lucinda, I’m sorry. I really am. Forgive me,” he pleaded. “I didn’t mean to force myself on you.” His face revealed his pain and embarrassment of his actions. “Please.”
Her shoulders dropped and she sighed. “Oh, Benjamin. I’m sorry I hurt you. It was not an easy decision for me when I left you in Chicago. But it had to be.”
He searched her eyes. “It hurt deeply,” he said softly. “But that is no excuse for what I just did and said to you. I’m truly sorry. Can you forgive me?”
Her eyes were moist as she answered, “Yes, but please don’t ever let it happen again.”
“It won’t,” he replied quietly. She turned to walk away from him. He said, “Tell me something, Lucinda.”
She turned back. “What?”
Benjamin had to know. “Are you happy?”
“You mean with James?”
“Yes.”
“Yes, I’m happy. He’s a special man, Benjamin.”
He wanted her happy, he supposed even if he could not have her, but he felt a twinge of pain at her answer.
He asked, “What about your first husband? What happened?”
She shrugged and he felt resistance in her voice as she said, “I really don’t want to talk about it except to say he was abusive.”
His forehead creased into a frown, “I’m sorry.”
She nodded. “We all make mistakes.”
“I guess one of mine was not coming after you in Philadelphia,” he said softly. “Maybe you wouldn’t have married the bastard.”
A small smile crossed her lips. “Maybe,” she said.
They resumed walking. They stopped to watch two young hawks squawking as they circled and rode the late afternoon updrafts of wind currents. The sun was lowering in the sky toward the horizon. They turned and headed back in the direction of Robert and Mary’s farmhouse.
Lucinda asked, “How come you’ve not married? Or have you?”
“No, I’ve not.” He laughed. “You’re the reason, Lucinda, and probably the only reason.” He gave a wink. “Who can forget someone like you?” He studied her a moment, then said, “Come on, the sun’s going down soon and you’ve got to get home before dark. I’ll hitch up your horse while you gather your things from the house.”
They walked on in silence toward the farmhouse. Benjamin broke the silence shortly before reaching the corral. He said, “If it’s all right with you, I’ll ride along with you and see that you get home safely. I’ve got to get back into town.”
Lucinda’s emotions were churning as she politely said her goodbyes to Robert and Mary and the children. Sh
e had hoped that none of them were aware of the confrontation between her and Benjamin but she felt fairly assured that they were concealed from innocent or curious eyes and ears.
Benjamin offered to drive her wagon the short distance to her farm. She agreed. He tied his horse to the rear of the wagon and climbed aboard and took the reins. The sun was dropping fast as the horse pulled the wagon down the dirt road toward the main road. Her uneasiness returned as they sat close beside each other and were shifted by the movement of the wagon wheels on the dirt path. She braced herself and held onto the side of the wagon so she could insure a comfortable distance between their bodies. Her mind flashed with memories of their past together as they engaged in casual light conversation. It was something that she did not want to think about but seeing him had stirred up all the forgotten memories and she struggled to brush them aside.
She asked, “Do you like working at the shingle mill?”
“It’s okay.”
“Just okay?”
“I don’t know, Lucinda. Sometimes I think maybe I’d be better off just running a farm.”
She smiled. “I remember you saying that you didn’t want to be a farmer. You wanted to be an architect. You would study those buildings in Chicago and say that one day you would be designing them and building them.”
He chuckled. “You’re right. That was my dream.”
“Isn’t it still?”
His voice dropped as he said, “I don’t know if I have any dreams left any more.”
She felt an odd twinge of disappointment that he had given up his dream. He had been so passionate and determined in creating that dream and had vowed that nothing would stop him. He saw progress would offer much opportunity as new communities were springing up in all areas of the Midwest and Westward. Small settlements were becoming towns and then growing into cities, and he had told her that he desperately and enthusiastically wanted to be a part of that. She wondered how his drinking had affected his dream. Had the alcohol drowned it out? Was he still drinking as heavily?
Corn Silk Days: Iowa, 1862 Page 8
