“I have to admit, Daniel ,” I said slowly, deliberately emphasising his name. “I can’t stop thinking about you lately.”
I lifted my hand to trace the shape of his face. He sucked in his breath loudly, clearing his throat but nothing came out. Deliberately, I moved my body closer, brushing my hips up against his.
“I know it’s wrong, but we are two consenting adults,” I said suggestively, “and, I know you felt it too… you know, when we kissed.”
I moved my mouth closer to his lips, just centimetres away. I could feel his breathing quicken and deliberately pushed my breasts against his chest. His hands flapped uselessly, by his side, but as I pushed against him, he needed to get his balance and his hand moved to the side of my thigh. I watched his eyes widen as he realised I wasn’t wearing panties.
“So… what should we do?” I whispered to him.
“M-Molly…” his eyes darted around the car park in a panic, as he realised where we were. “Anyone could see us here! The Dean! That’s his car,” his head nodded in a direction behind me, but I kept my eyes fixed on his.
“But that’s half the fun, Daniel, the chance of getting caught…” I moved my hand down to his, sitting stiffly on my thigh, and guided it under my skirt. “See, this is fun, right?” He sucked his breath in as his fingers connected with my moistness. I moved my hips forward, encouraging him and left his hand there. I smiled when he didn’t move it and let out a small moan, as his fingers twitched nervously at my invitation.
“We can’t do it here?”
“Why not? That’s the exciting part, isn’t it? The danger of getting caught,” I encouraged, as I leant against him hard, placing my lips on his.
This time, I wanted to leave him wanting more. I let my tongue trace his lips, as I moved in slowly, letting the kiss intensify. I felt his lips start to respond to me and suddenly his other arm moved around my body pulling me in hard, as his fingers moved deeper inside of me. I could feel his desire grow, pressing against the front of my thigh. This stuffy professor was mine, I thought smugly as I stepped back abruptly, leaving him looking at me confused and dazed.
“So when are you taking me on our first date?” I smiled suggestively, as I straightened my skirt. Daniel shuffled uncomfortably, the tightness in his pants clearly showing I had left him turned on and now very frustrated.
“Tonight?” There was a tone of hopefulness in his voice.
“No, Daniel not tonight.” I knew I had to leave him wanting more. That was my plan. “Saturday evening, pick me up at seven,” I smiled confidently. “My address is on that term paper I handed in today, as is my phone number.” With that, I turned and walked back through the car park. “Bye Daniel,” I laughed, waving my hand in the air. “It was a pleasure.” My heart was racing too. The thrill of seducing him so openly had excited me and I knew he felt the same. I walked past the Dean’s car and wondered. What if we did get caught? That was the fun of it.
I knew Daniel would pick me up at seven on Saturday. He wanted me now, I had hooked him. Nonetheless, I wasn’t going to make it easy for him, he would have to work for it. I planned to continue seducing him, continue giving him just enough to want a little more. I smirked to myself as I jumped in the car. I could wait for sex, the act itself didn’t turn me on. It was the thrill of the chase, the seduction, the danger of being caught, that was what really excited me. I wondered about Daniel, he was clearly a man with needs.
This was going to be fun.
* * *
I realised I had been awake all night, reminiscing. It was early, but I decided I couldn’t waste the remainder of the day. If I was to return to work next week, I needed to make the most of my time. Time to get out of the house I decided, as I pulled off the sheets and headed to the bathroom. There was nothing better than a warm shower and as the spray of water devoured my body, I let my mind wander to those first few dates with Daniel.
I had certainly kept him on his toes, giving him enough to want more, but leaving him guessing. It was a game and I was enjoying playing cat and mouse with him. Often we would end up fighting, as I watched his frustration build and at times I would deliberately start a fight, storming out, leaving him and giving him the silent treatment for a day or two. I would always come back to him, though, forgiving him and we would kiss and make up. I would turn up at his office at the College at lunchtime and enjoy straddling him at his desk, let him play with me a little, knowing full well we could be interrupted.
In a strange way, I was excited about getting into the act. I would deliberately catch him unaware, seducing him with kisses, a touch, turning him on in creative ways, always, around the corners in the College halls, the library, or even the male toilets. I could sense his need for me growing. I knew then that I loved Daniel. Not in the traditional sense perhaps, but I loved his awkward stuffiness, his need for me and his tenacity. Most men would have given up by now, but not Daniel.
The first time we had sex was at his place. I was cruel. I had told him I didn’t like sex and he wouldn’t make me come. Don’t get me wrong, I do like sex, I like it a lot, but I like exciting sex. That missionary style, never leaving the bedroom crap, really didn’t do much for me, to be honest. I’m not sure why I tormented him so, as I did want him and the build up to that night had made me want him even more. Yet, I didn’t want him knowing that. He had tried to seduce me and I shot him down quickly until finally I gave him permission to have sex with me, as if I was doing him a favour. It was all I could do to control myself, as I tried to downplay the actual act. I wanted him to want to please me, to work for me. I never wanted him to take me for granted.
As I turned off the shower, I smiled. It had worked. Three months later I had a positive pregnancy test and Daniel, full of stuffy obligation, offered to marry me. Perhaps it wasn’t part of my official plan, but I knew I wasn’t using protection. It had been a risk I was willing to take. In many ways, we were both excited about becoming parents and it forced the conservative Daniel to make our relationship official.
The bathroom was steamy, yet as I stood there drying myself, a cold chill filled the air. I shivered and wrapped the towel around my shoulders, walking back to the bedroom. That was when I froze. My eyes darted around the room searching for a culprit. Someone had to have been here, in my room. What I was seeing wasn’t possible. Someone was trying to frighten me.
My body was shaking as I moved closer to my dresser mirror. It wasn’t just the words written on there, it was the handwriting. I would have recognised it anywhere. Daniel’s cursive style was unique. I didn’t hesitate, but ran to my side-table, picked up my phone and dialled Jake.
I needed Jake, I needed him right now.
* * *
Chapter 11 – Jake
“I SEE DEAD PEOPLE – DO YOU, JAKE?”
That was her first mistake. When my phone went again with Daniel’s text tone, that particular moment it felt like I was being haunted by the only man I had ever really loved. If she had just left it at the one text she would have been able to reel me in, but the silly bitch had to send a second text.
They both knew it was my favourite film. Daniel had this sometimes annoying habit of quoting from films and yes it was just the type of thing he would say, or text, if he was alive. Yes the first text frightened the shit out of me, but the second? It brought a smile to my face. Look at it logically, look at the words that had been sent. This was sent by someone living and not dead, I mean why would a dead person say such a thing. If Daniel did text me from the other side, it would have been, ”I’LL BE BACK”, that was much more his style. Now that really would have sent a chill down my spine.
I started rolling back through the texts messages we had exchanged. In a sense it was comforting, but also emotional. It just made me realise how much he made me laugh and how much I would miss him. She had ruined that now, she had invaded my and Daniel’s personal space. I thought I could just lay him to rest and move on, set off on a different track, as I had done in the p
ast. My own life had been turned upside down, and not just by Daniels death. Two weeks ago, my past had also come back to haunt me.
* * *
Lucy was a drug addict, although when I had first met her I hadn’t known about her addiction. Sometimes I feel like I live in a cloud and just don’t see what’s right in front of my eyes, perhaps not an ideal trait for a sub-editor. However, in my defence, these episodes of blindness ultimately always involve women and Lucy was one hell of a woman. At the time I met Lucy, Molly was a new, up and coming reporter looking for a story, any story. Molly was known as a ruthless reporter and she didn’t care whose life she wrecked to get a story. Some reporters wrongly get that type of reputation, but in many ways, Molly deserved hers. Nine years ago, she ruined Lucy’s life and Lucy’s daughter’s life - my daughter... Maryann .
After Molly exposed a drug cartel, which Lucy was caught up in, the inevitable happened and she was sent to prison, with Maryann being taken into foster care. I haven’t seen my daughter for nine years and not a day passes where I haven't thought about her, or glanced at her small photograph which stays inside my wallet. My name was never on the birth certificate, but once Lucy told me she was pregnant, I pursued DNA tests and sure enough, she was mine.
Lucy was a fiery and wild woman, always looking for the next party. When we were together we would continually argue and when she told me she was pregnant I begged her to stop smoking and drinking, leading to even more fights. “Never done me any harm,” she would tell me dismissively. I was desperate to respond and my inner thoughts wanted to tell her to, “ take a look in the mirror”, but I never could. I was always the coward.
Two weeks ago, before everything with Daniel happened, my desk phone at work had rung, but it wasn’t a number I recognised. Without thinking, I answered it and now, in some ways, I wished that I had let it go to voicemail.
“Jake Marsden.”
There was a slight pause, but I could hear the breathing on the end of the line.
“Hi, Jake.” My stomach dropped to the floor as I recognised the voice immediately, even though it had been years since we’d last spoken. Last I’d heard, she had been in a rehabilitation centre. In many ways, I admired her for taking the steps she’d needed to get back on track.
“Lucy,” I whispered her name in shock. “How are you?” I stuttered,
“Clean, if that’s what you’re referring to!” It was a tone I recognised well, sarcastic and bitter.
“No, no, of course not, I didn’t mean it like that. It’s just a surprise to hear from you, that’s all.” My heart was now thumping hard inside my chest. I didn’t want to start a fight. I wanted to keep her talking. I didn’t want her to go.
“I’m staring at your offices right now. I’m sitting inside Alonzo’s having a Latte. I’ll order you one too. I think there's someone here you might like to see.”
I almost dropped the phone, I was physically shaking.
“Maryann?” My own words chilled me.
“It’s time for you to get to know your daughter, Jake.”
The phone went dead and I sat there, my mouth wide open, still holding the receiver to my ear. Alonzo’s was a small café across the road that everyone at the paper used. The reality that my daughter was only two minutes away struck me and I suddenly ran like a madman out of the office. I thought I was running to meet the daughter I’d never really known. I thought I was running to a new chapter in my life and I was! Just not quite the chapter I was imagining.
I soon found myself standing outside Alonzo’s staring through the glass window. I recognised Lucy immediately, her blond locks the first giveaway. She was in many ways how I had remembered her from years earlier, but there was also something different about her. She wasn’t all skin and bone as she used to be and her haggard expression had disappeared. She actually looked healthy and her beauty seemed to blossom. I looked at the ten-year-old girl sitting opposite her, munching on a tea cake and sipping her fruit juice. It was the most mesmerising sight I had ever seen. That was my daughter for fuck’s sake, why did I ever let her go?
Lucy met my gaze through the window and gave me a smile. I could feel her eyes watching me as I walked in. There was a latte in front of the chair next to her and I took that as an invitation to take a seat. Nervously, as I sat down, I felt my emotions start to lose control. Typical, I was again being controlled by a woman. Do you know what? I would have done anything she asked me at that moment. The problem is, I think I may already have.
“Maryann, this is Jake. You might be seeing a lot of Jake from now on.”
“Hi Jake,” my daughter answered. It was then it really dawned on me. I was just a stranger to her. My heart was racing and I was sweating. I reproached myself. Was I really expecting her to call me Dad? It was only then I caught what Lucy had actually said, her carefully chosen words that came with a double meaning. There was always a catch, I should have known.
“Might?” I turned to Lucy. She just smiled in that bloody annoying way that told me she had all the aces up her sleeve. I was tempted to just take Maryann from her there and then, but the thought was ridiculous and impossible.
“That’s what I said,” she replied smugly. She handed Maryann a five-pound note and told her to go get herself some cakes to take home. Maryann took it with enthusiasm and rushed to the cake counter.
“So, you got her back then?” I asked Lucy, referring of course to our daughter.
“Of course, I did. I was never not going to. Losing Maryann was the kick up the backside I needed. It helped me to get clean.”
We both sat for a moment watching Maryann eyeing up the cake stand. It was like I was in a trance. I was sure it was just a dream and soon I would wake up.
“So, what have I got to do to be able to get to know her?” I knew that was the question she was waiting for. She knew I would ask her. There was that look in her eyes, that mischievous look. I knew I wasn’t going to like it.
“I was surprised to see you’ve become so close to the woman who ruined our lives,” she said. I knew immediately she was referring to Molly.
“She had no idea of the consequences, she was just doing her job. If you’d told me you were involved, I could have protected you.” I was defending Molly and the look on Lucy’s face told me my excuses were not hitting home. Her expression changed drastically, a fire brewed in her eyes and I quickly realised Lucy hadn’t really changed. She might be clean, but she was still Lucy.
“You haven't seen your daughter for nine years!” she shrilled. “Do you want her to turn eighteen before she gets to see you again? That’s if she will even bother to want to track down her father, because believe me, after what I tell her, she's gonna want you dead.”
That was the Lucy I knew and remembered. I sure can pick them. This woman who I only ever screwed twice was now screwing me over, multiple times. I knew I should have just walked away, sought legal advice and fought for custody of my daughter. But I didn’t do that.
“What do you want me to do?” I asked.
“I want you to destroy her life like she did ours. She needs to feel the pain that I suffered.” Her response was instant and cold.
Maryann returned to the table, holding a cake box, her pretty little face smiling innocently. My heart melted. This was my daughter, but I still couldn’t believe it. Now I had a real chance of being a part of her life and I hoped that one day she might even call me Dad. Lucy got up from her chair to leave.
“Say goodbye to Jake,” she said to Maryann.
“Bye Jake,” she said.
“Bye sweetheart, see you soon,” I answered
“That will be entirely up to you,” added Lucy.
I stood and watched them both walk out of the café, neither of them turning to look back, though I so wanted them to. To Maryann, I was just a stranger they had met in a café. If I wanted more, I had to do what Lucy asked. It wasn’t even a second chance to get to know my daughter. It was my one and only chance. Lucy would make sure
of that.
* * *
Why did I tell you that? How is it all related to what happened with Daniel? My head was in such a whirl after receiving that second text, the text Molly had sent me on Daniels phone. I wondered, did she want to fuck me up as well? Did she want me dead? I knew that there was only ever one innocent party through all of this and he was now dead. I couldn’t believe Molly would actually pretend Daniel had been reaching out to me, from beyond his grave. Why would she even do that? What had been going through her sick head? I had to find out, but I needed the time to think.
I put my running shoes and joggers on. I needed to burn off some energy and I was soon running the streets of Manchester. As my feet pounded the pavement, a myriad of thoughts were running through my head. In three days time, I had planned to see my daughter for only the second time in nine years. Nothing special mind, Lucy had agreed the three of us would meet at McDonalds for lunch. I hate McDonalds, I would rather eat plastic, but frankly, I would eat dog shit if it meant being with Maryann again. I tried to focus on the positive as I ran, but like a nasty rash, Molly seemed to pop up in my head. I couldn’t believe I was actually missing her.
Tortured Minds Page 6
