I showered, amid a range of emotions, the water turning a light crimson, as the blood from the previous day washed away down the plug hole. It felt as if I was washing away any evidence, as the guilt seared through my body. I kept asking myself the same question over and over again. Am I responsible for Daniel and Lucy’s deaths? It felt as though an ending was near and closure was coming. Freshly showered, shaved and dressed in my suit, I sat in my SUV and set the navigation for the address in Preston. An hour and eighteen minutes it told me. It felt like days, but in some ways, it felt like no time at all.
The street where the Wilson’s lived seemed to go on forever and the atmosphere had a calm and majestic feel. As I drove slowly I observed the succession of well-kept houses and the evergreen trees that lined the pavement. Every garden seemed to blossom in the spring sunshine, displaying an abundance of colour that simply made the world seem a better place. I parked my SUV opposite number eighty-nine, not knowing what to expect or what to do next.
An awful thought came over me; there was no car in the drive and it was school holiday time. What if they were on holidays? I began to imagine this family holidaying on some Caribbean Island. The thought comforted me, as I thought of the daughter I would never get to know, living a life I could never give her. I thought of Lucy and how proud she would have been. I had only known her as a drug addict, but she had shown me her heart and I knew that underneath, if only she could give up the drugs, was a beautiful wonderful woman. I fell for her, not as who she was, but who she could have been and I wanted to help her find her way back. Now, I couldn’t get the image of her disappearing over that balcony out of my head. I felt like I knew I would be meeting Lucy again and my senses told me it would be very soon. I smoked a cigarette in my car, lowering the window a fraction to release the smoke and let some air in.
I kept looking at the house, the empty house with no car on the drive. I just sat there, gazing at it in a daydream for about two hours, chain smoking and just hoping. Satisfied, I decided to leave, starting the engine and putting my vehicle into gear, but something prevented me from moving forward. Standing in front of the car was Daniel. He shook his head and smiled, placing his hands out in front of him as if he was telling me to stop. I closed my eyes tightly and opened them again, but he was still there. I did that a few times, but every time I did it, he was still there. It was only when I shifted the car into neutral did he finally disappear. I went to reach for another cigarette as a black Land Rover pulled into the drive of Eighty-Nine Albion Street.
My heart missed several beats as I sat and watched as a couple in their late thirties stepped out of the car. The male driver then opened the back passenger door and I was filled with emotion as a beautiful, young girl, approximately nine years old stepped out of the car. It was Maryann! My daughter! I got out of my car to get a better view, still unsure of what I was going to do, still unsure why I was even there. I stood beside my car and watched as the mother opened the boot, taking out some bags out and handing them to the little girl. From where I was standing, I could hear her speak to my daughter,
“Can you take these please Maryann?”
I skipped across the road in a daze. “Excuse me! Excuse me!” I shouted. I was now standing just six feet away from my daughter. She was beautiful, a younger version of Lucy and she just looked up and smiled at me, her face lighting up my world. It was only then I realised that what I was doing was all wrong. What the hell was I doing there? The father came over to stand between us as if to protect his daughter and that’s exactly what he was doing. At that moment I wanted to shake his hand and thank him, but, of course, I didn’t.
“Can I help you?” he asked in a quizzical but authoritative tone. I didn’t take my eyes off Lucy, as she smiled at me again and with bags in her hand, she went into the house. I knew that would be the last time I ever saw her. I apologised to the man.
“Oh yes, sorry! I was looking for one-ninety-one Albion Street, I can’t seem to find it,” I quickly lied.
“That’s because there isn’t one, it only goes up to one hundred and forty.”
I simply apologised once more and walked back to my car to drive home. There was no Daniel to stop me this time, but I guess he had achieved what he set out to do. He’d not only shown me my daughter was alive and well, he had given me one last chance to meet her. My friend had done well. Daniel never did anything without a reason, I knew that now.
I drove home with a smile on my face when I shouldn’t have been smiling at all. I should have been at home mourning the death of Lucy and arranging her funeral, but none of that mattered right then. Lucy was in a good place. I was envious of her and now I wanted to be there with her.
I was soon inside my apartment again, a place I was beginning to hate. I mustered the courage to sit out on the balcony, armed with coffee and cigarettes. Opening up my laptop, I sent an email to someone I still loved dearly.
‘My darling Molly,
First the hard bit, but I have no alternative other than doing this, so I am going to put this simply.
My solicitor has a secure file with the details of the evening you raped me, including your email admission. I have instructed him that should anything happen to me it should immediately be handed to the police. This is simply my insurance policy Molly, but I don’t expect you to understand that.
I love you Molly with all my heart. You, Daniel, and Lucy are all I’ve ever loved. I am not sure I understand why we have acted the way we have, but it is my regret that we have hurt each other so much. I was angry with you for what you did to me. You took from me something that now can never be returned, a beautiful dream and a memory. Ever since we met I have longed to make love to you. You only had to be there for me and it would have happened. Now, I can’t even remember the sodding moment.
Whatever happens on the top of that building, I just want you to know one thing. I will always love you.
See you soon,
Jake.’
Had I sent a document to my solicitor?
Of course I hadn’t, but she didn’t need to know that. I was now ready to face that building, ready to die if I had to.
***
Chapter 30 – Daniel
In my more contemplative moments, I actually wondered if I was any closer to solving the riddle of why I was still here, despite everything that had happened thus far. I certainly hadn’t expected Jake to understand why I had helped Lucy to find her freedom, yet his reaction still worried me greatly.
I remembered an old song I used to love back in the day called “Vincent”, by Don McLean. There was a particular line from the song which resonated with me whenever I thought about Lucy. “This world was never meant for one as beautiful as you.” You see, I now had an ability to see into people’s souls, to strip away the veneer of civilisation, of past experiences and to see the true essence of the human being. When I had looked into Lucy’s eyes, all I’d ever seen was a never ending pain, hurt and self-loathing, but I knew that wasn’t the true Lucy. Digging deeper, I could see the fun-loving, free-spirited, beautiful, young woman, who had wanted nothing more out of her life than to live with and settle down with the one true love of her life... yes, my Molly.
It had shocked me to my core to discover that Molly and Lucy had a past. More than a past actually... a close and intimate relationship. Yet, in retrospect, I really should never have been surprised at discovering the depths of Molly’s evilness and her ability to use and discard people like they were some sticky crap stuck to the bottom of a shoe. How could she so callously have gone after and eventually destroyed Lucy’s life in that disgusting expose she’d written on drug dealing? Now, aware that once Molly and Lucy had been lovers, it filled me with even more indignant anger and I could barely suppress my rage towards that woman. How could I ever have loved her? I doubt I ever really did. I was captivated by her, seduced by her, and perhaps even under her spell at times, but how can you love someone who doesn’t even know the meaning of the word. Frankly
, she disgusted me now more than ever.
Despite what Jake was almost certain to think about me now, I knew I’d done the right thing. I’d set Lucy free and she was happy about what I had done. If only Jake could see her now, he would then realise that and he’d be happy for her too. I was confident of that. Perhaps then, he wouldn’t hate me so much. I’d left a note for him about Maryann, as I wanted to show him how much I still cared. I wanted him to see that his daughter was happy and that he needn’t fret about her any longer. He had to see, like I did now, that it was the innocents, Maryann and Damien, who mattered most, not us. We deserved nothing but contempt for the mess we’d made of our lives. It no longer mattered to me who had done what and to whom, or even why. All that mattered now was ensuring that we all left this earth, allowing our innocent children to grow up without having to know the heartache of their parent’s tortured minds.
I decided that it was time to set Lucy off on her first real task in the supernatural world. I’d already sent her to check on Maryann and she had been so grateful for that opportunity, but once I’d discovered the connection between Molly and Lucy, it only seemed fair they had a little reunion. I had known Lucy’s hatred toward Molly was incredibly deep-seated, but now I knew the reason why. I smiled wistfully as I envisaged a special reunion between Lucy and Molly which would be happening right now. I was confident I had shaken Molly up on my last visit and now it was Lucy’s turn. I really wanted to be the fly on the wall at that meeting... Oh, I wanted that so badly, I thought. Then it occurred to me, I can be a fly on the wall! I quickly skimmed off to my old house, our bedroom, so that I could watch the scene quietly from a distance. This was going to be fun! I settled back to watch the drama unfold in front of me.
***
When Lucy first glided into Molly’s bedroom, she was initially shocked by her ex lover's appearance. Molly had always prided herself on her looks, they had been her number one weapon. Today she looked terrible, like she hadn’t slept in days. The bags under her eyes were like dried-out potato skins and her hair, usually, her crowning glory, was frizzy, unkempt and dirty looking. Lucy smiled to herself. It looks like our little Molly is no longer in control.
Quietly, she continued to study the woman whom she had grown to despise and hate with a passion. Everything that had ever gone wrong in Lucy’s life could ultimately be traced back to Molly’s rejection of her love. What hurt the most, Lucy thought, was that she knew in her heart Molly had loved her just as much as she had loved Molly, yet she had tossed her aside like a used condom.
Lucy understood that it had all been about perception. Molly had been terrified people wouldn’t understand, that they would prejudge her for being a lesbian, thinking she would be excluded from opportunities in the future. Molly’s ambition had always been to be a Feature Columnist at The Times and Lucy knew she was afraid having a female partner would hinder rather than help her unseemly scramble up the journalistic ladder. When it came to a straight choice between love and career, Molly had chosen career, without even a second thought. After they had returned from their weekend in Brighton, Lucy’s life had taken a steep nosedive. Everything that happened to Lucy from that day forward was all Molly’s damn fault!
As if she had a sixth sense, Molly was suddenly alerted to Lucy’s presence in the room. The frightened, wide-eyed face that looked up from her laptop was lined, tired and tear-stained. Even in her hatred Lucy couldn’t help but feel a pang of deep-rooted love stabbing her heart. Despite everything, Molly was still her one and only true love. Molly stared, bewildered, at Lucy for a few moments before her face creased in a sardonic smile. When she spoke, she surprised Lucy with the vehemence of her words.
“Well, lookie what we have here. It must be the day for the reunion of the newly dead. I guess, after Daniel’s little visit, I should have expected his minion to come calling? What do you want Lucy? Drugs? Hahaha... No, I guess you have no need for drugs anymore, do you?”
Lucy was thrown by Molly words. She knew what Daniel had wanted her to tell Molly, but she couldn’t quite seem to get the words out. She wanted to grab her, hold her and love her, to go back to the beginning and experience the pleasure and joy she had felt all those years ago, just the two of them, alone in that big bed in the Brighton Hotel.
Lucy looked at Molly, searching her eyes, pleading for some sign of love or understanding even, but there was nothing, just cold, calculating hatred staring back at her. She had to turn away briefly, she could no longer meet those eyes directly.
Summoning all her strength she turned back to Molly and trying desperately to look nonchalant, she said, “Oh Molly... I had hoped you would be happy to see me again... but I guess not. Never mind, Daniel just asked me to pop by and remind you not to forget our date tomorrow night.”
Molly looked at her, her face screwing up in thought and some confusion. “What do you mean our date. This is between Jake, Daniel and me. It’s got nothing to do with you, Lucy. You are not one of us, you never were. You were just a brief interlude in my life, something I forgot the day after we made love. Don’t flatter yourself girl, you were never that important to me. This is about ‘family’, my family are Daniel and Jake and don’t you ever forget it.”
The words clearly cut through Lucy like a razor sharp scimitar. She struggled to maintain her composure, but she’d come here to help Daniel and help him she would. “Whatever Molly,” she managed, “just know I’ll be up there with Daniel, whether you like it or not. This is going to end Molly. Just remember that...” Lucy quickly turned away to leave, no longer wanting to face Molly or her cruel words.
“Luce hon...” Molly called out, but it was too late, Lucy had already gone and she was left just talking to thin air.
I chuckled softly to myself. Well, that particular conversation couldn’t have gone better, if I’d orchestrated it myself. Oh yeah, that’s right, I did... hehe.
***
I was looking forward to our ‘reunion’ in a couple of days. I was no longer convinced that uniting with Jake was the ultimate answer to my dilemma, although I suspected that it could still be an option somehow. No, perhaps why I’m still here is more simple than that. Maybe it’s all about cleansing the world of the filth I helped create, that we helped create. I wasn’t supposed to die on the top of that building, we all were! We, between the three of us, had created this twisted, warped and evil, yes evil, universe in which we lied, cheated and did whatever was necessary to hurt each other, all for our own self-gratification. We spoke so blithely about love, friendship and commitment, yet not a single one of us; no, not one of us had even the slightest understanding of what true love was, or should be. Everything and everyone we touched turned sour. None of us deserved to survive. We were all disgusting excuses for human beings. I began to feel like I had been assigned the role of the ‘Avenging Angel’ and I felt pretty damn comfortable with that.
Before everything came to its inevitable climax, I needed to help Jake to find some closure. I left him a note, with Maryann’s address, knowing full well he wouldn’t be able to resist going to find her. I wanted him to see her and realise she was so much better off with her new, loving family now, more than she could ever have been with Jake and Lucy. If he was to ever to understand what I had done and embrace my plans for tomorrow night wholeheartedly, he had to come to the same mindset as I had, that we all had to die. We had to allow the innocents the opportunity to experience life in peace, without the constraints of their heritage. No child deserved to live in the shadow of ‘the sins of their father’, or indeed, mother. Allowing Jake to see Maryann, to understand how happy and well looked after she was today would allow him to finally let her go. I was convinced of that.
Even before I died I had sub-consciously looked after the innocents. After all, that was the reason I had tripled the cover on Molly’s life insurance, changing the beneficiary from myself to Damien. I had instructed that all the money should be held in a Trust administered by Becky should anything happen to Moll
y before Damien reached his majority. At the time, I had no inkling of what was about to come, but now, it seemed more likely to come into use, should everything go to plan. Changing the policy had been an impulse decision, given our reckless lifestyle. I was well aware that sudden death could have happened to any of us, at any time and it had just seemed the prudent thing to do. Now I was grateful that I had. Protecting the innocents - that’s what “Avenging Angels” do.
I was pretty proud of myself actually, I felt like I was the one in control finally, after a lifetime of Molly calling all the shots. This was going to end my way. Sorry Molly, but that’s just the way it is. Tough shit, girl!
***
When Lucy arrived back from Molly’s she was absolutely distraught. It pained me to see her so broken, when only a few hours before she had been filled with joy at her newfound freedom. I listened to her as she confided in me, explaining how Molly had so callously dismissed their love affair as just a fling. Hearing her heartbreak, it only served to reassure me that I was doing the right thing. I comforted Lucy and reminded her that soon it would all be over and we would all be together in a much better place.
Tortured Minds Page 20
