It was past ten before Simon finally left, both of us satisfied, exhausted and suitably aching. It had been an afternoon well spent. He kissed me and agreed to meet me at midnight. As soon as he left I quickly sprung into action, showering and getting myself ready for this showdown. My heart was thumping as the taxi dropped me off at the entrance to the Oceanic Shipping Building. Simon was waiting for me at the entrance, so we walked into the foyer and straight to the lift. As I rode up to the top floor where I could take the rooftop exit, I grinned in anticipation. This was it, no going back now.
It’s showtime boys and girls…
***
Chapter 32– Jake
It was almost certainly the possibility that this might be my very last sleep in this world that made for such a restless night. In fact, I would say I probably had no sleep at all, as my body just wanted to fight it. Our minds are complex beasts, well, at least, mine is and when it starts to drift to places I don't really want to go, I find I have no control over it. It drifted to my mother and father a lot that night, having no mechanism to use to control the thoughts that popped into my head. At one time I lay there thinking and wishing I was back, locked under the stairs, like I was as a child. In some strange way being in that impenetrable position in that cupboard made me feel safe and helped develop me into the man I had become. That person was, at one time, a good man. He was kind, caring and generous, always putting others first. That changed, I changed. Was it when I met Daniel and Molly? It would be too easy to say that. Had Lucy transformed me? Or had I not really changed at all? The answer was irrelevant now anyway, I had become who I had become.
The mind drifts were not always unpleasant, even with my parents inside my head. My mind drifted back to the good times, to the holidays we used to share, the times sat around the table playing board games. It was only the fact I couldn't embrace my mother’s religion that had spoiled it all. I wish I had been wise enough back then and just endorsed her religion, even if it would have been a pretence. I wondered if her God would forgive me my sins? I doubted that very much, for I knew she never would and wasn't her God of her own making anyway? Doesn't her God think just like her? Isn't her God, really her? That's how I looked at religion. God is just a little manifest of oneself. I had no God to look over me and I was comfortable with that notion.
Of course, as I lay there, I thought of Daniel and Molly. These involuntary thoughts were mostly virtuous ones and as I tried to drift off to sleep, I found myself smiling. Inevitably, though, each and every thought about the pair of them resulted in us being back on the rooftop of the Oceanic Shipping Building, from where Daniel fell to his death. He had jumped the other buildings so easily and that last jump was no more difficult than the previous ones. So, why didn't he make it? Why had he decided that it was up to me and Molly to save him? He should have made that jump. He killed himself! We were not to blame!
My mind also drifted to Lucy. Those thoughts were painful and always I found myself staring into those eyes on the day she died, the day Daniel murdered her. Those eyes were full of pain and as I lay there I would deliberately change my memories to the good times, even the most recent one when I remembered the joy on her face when I asked her to marry me. It wasn’t me controlling my mind, though, it was controlling me and it would soon drift back to the pain and suffering she’d endured. She deserved some happiness. I'm just sorry I never had the chance to give her that. It was taken away from both of us and we were never destined to be happy, just to live a life of torment.
My beautiful daughter, Maryann, drifted into my mind on that last night. There were no bad thoughts regarding Maryann. I hadn't been around her long enough to have damaged her and for that I was thankful. She did not know who I was and because of that, she was a lucky girl. The one good thing I had done was not to be there for her. That’s not the words of a good, loving, parent, I know, but, I have never pretended to be one. I never got the chance, or if I did, then I didn’t take it.
At times, during the night I felt like a whisky, to try to banish those thoughts, to nullify them and take them away, but I chose not to, getting up only once for a glass of milk. I needed a clear head for my day of reckoning. Despite my lack of sleep, I woke up feeling good, ready to take on the world. Well, a building anyway and all who stood on her.
I showered very slowly and deliberately as if it was my last shower, which perhaps it was, before dressing in jeans and t-shirt. I splashed myself with my favourite aftershave and made my way over to Becky's to discuss funeral arrangements, or so she thought. That's what I’d told her when we arranged it. I doubted I would any longer have a say in the arranging of Lucy's funeral.
It was midday when I arrived at Becky's, just twelve short hours before my date with destiny. She answered the door with a sorrowful look on her face and I quickly realised she was showing compassion for my loss. She gestured me to enter and squeezed my arm as I did so. That gesture meant more than any words that could have been spoken. She escorted me into the lavishly furnished living room and I stood there with my mouth wide open for a moment, mesmerised by the sight before my eyes. Damien was sitting on a playmat, with an array of toys around him. He was holding a plastic donkey and he looked up at me, with quizzical eyes, as I walked in, unsure of whom I was.
"Say hello to Jake," Becky told him. He just stuck the donkey in his mouth and ignored the request.
"Can I get you some tea?" Becky asked,
"Coffee would be great," I suggested, "milk and two sugars please." She made her way into the kitchen leaving me with Damien. I went and sat on the sofa, with Damien at my feet, but he paid me no attention at all, not threatened by my presence, nor looking for his mother. I thought, at that time, I could quite easily pick him up and walk out with him and the kid would not utter a sound, it would be so easy. Then I found myself shivering and wondering why on earth I would even think such a thought at all.
"Hello young fella," I said to him. He looked up and smiled before going back to his toys and I watched him rub his eyes in tiredness. He looked so much like Daniel. I could definitely tell he was his son. I felt a bit overcome with emotion thinking Daniel would never see him grow up, but I quickly snapped out of it. There was no time for sentiment today. Welcome to my world, Daniel, I told myself. Feel the pain! Feel the pain I have felt for the last nine years. Thankfully Becky came in with the coffee and disrupted my thought processes. If she hadn’t done that then maybe I would have realised it wasn’t actually Daniel’s fault I never got to see Maryann. You must realise that at that time, I was thinking I was the victim here, when really all I was, was just a victim of circumstances.
"I'm going to put him down for an hour and then we can chat about the funeral." She again looked at me full of sorrow, but I didn't want her to mourn for me, I wanted something far more precious. She took Damien upstairs and left me with my thoughts, which wasn’t really a good idea at that time, but I managed to control them and remain focused. She was back down within ten minutes, without Damien, whom I presumed must have really needed his sleep.
"Right, I've phoned the funeral directors, it's the one in Ashford Street, they’re very good, I’ve heard," she said, as she sat in the armchair opposite me. I raised my hands for her to stop and she did so. Staring at me blankly she asked, "Are you okay Jake?” I nodded, even though I was far from okay.
I handed her a bank transfer for £10,000, that was all of my savings, everything I had. "I can't do it, please just sort it out for me and anything left over, put it in a trust for Damien. Give her a good sending off for me please Becky," I pleaded. At that time, I wasn’t really sure she was the right person to ask, as I didn’t really know what I had in store for Becky.
Her face was a picture of confusion as she took the bank transfer, "What's this all about Jake?" she quizzed me. I smiled and sat back on the sofa, trying to appear relaxed, but my nerves were shattered.
"Can you get a sitter and let me take you to dinner tonight?" I propositioned her.
She looked aghast and momentarily sat with her mouth open, but eventually she answered. "You’re asking me on a date?" Her face indeed looked puzzled and I almost laughed. Me, dating Daniel’s love? Now that would be ironic, ironic but very, very, satisfying.
"I'm asking you out for dinner and a midnight rendezvous at the Oceanic Shipping Building where Daniel fell. He wants to meet me tonight and I would like you to be there." It seemed so natural saying it that way, but the look on her face told me it was anything but.
"Daniel!" she almost screamed and then in a quieter tone, she added, “Are you okay Jake, what's this all about?"
Then I told her, everything from the time we lost Daniel on that building to Molly raping me, to him pushing Lucy off my balcony and to me visiting Maryann. She never once interrupted me. She just listened attentively, her expression one of astonishment and disbelief. By the time I had finished, I could see the sweat filming on her brow. I would need another shower after all, as I was also sweating profusely.
"This is all so crazy," she whispered and it was! Everything had just gotten crazier. I didn't say anything, I just left her with her thoughts and sat there expectantly, but it seemed an age before she spoke again.
"I have no idea why I'm agreeing to this," she eventually said, "but, yes, I'll come to dinner with you.”
"... and Daniel," I inquired. She slowly nodded. "Thank you," I said to her.
We chatted for another fifteen minutes before I left, but as I walked into the hallway, I noticed an array of photographs, on the wall, of Damien. I stopped and studied them for a moment, before removing one. Damien would have been about one and Daniel would still have been alive at that time,
"Can I have this?" I asked her. She simply nodded and after what I had just told her I suspect asking for a photograph was mild in comparison.
I sat in my car for a while, outside Becky's, attempting to comprehend what it was I was actually trying to achieve. My head felt it was in a place I had never been before. I sat there, wondering; when people cross that threshold from sanity to insanity are they aware that it's happening? And, when they reach that peak of insanity, are they actually aware they are insane? Because, if they do, then perhaps they can somehow justify their insanity. I didn't need to justify my insanity or my actions, I just wanted to understand them. My plan was to push Becky off that building, so Daniel could feel what it was like to lose someone you love. As I sat in that car, though, I wasn't quite so sure anymore. I really liked her. I had warmed to her and I even found myself attracted to her. Was this just another manic episode I was having? Perhaps we will just enjoy a nice meal and she will be able to have some closure, I really didn't know at that time. I guess it depended on where my head was at later. The fact that I was even thinking about not killing her proved to me that I hadn't completely lost it.
Although, "Hi, my name is Jake Marsden and I'm a nutter," did have quite a ring to it.
Sanity engulfed me, however, when I walked back into my apartment. Someone so beautiful and angelic sat on my sofa, looking as radiant as a star on a summer’s night. Lucy looked up at me and smiled as I walked in. I wasn't expecting to see her, nor was I shocked. For a moment, I thought it was real and she had simply been sitting waiting for me. I embraced that feeling for an instant. It felt good and so real at that moment in time. She smiled, showing a perfect set of white teeth that seemed to sparkle with her smile.
"Daniel told me to come and make my peace,” she said. Those words hit me like a knife in the chest, as I sat opposite her, in the armchair.
"The same Daniel who pushed you to your death," I suggested to her. Even for a ghost, she shuffled uncomfortably. I didn’t know what world Lucy was in at that moment, but it wasn’t her world. I could tell that even in death, no one knew Lucy like I knew her.
“He set me free Jake. I'm free now and I owe Daniel for that," she sobbed.
I raised my voice a little, trying not to show my real anger. For someone who spoke of freedom so happily, why were there tears? "He's taunting you, Lucy. You’re not free! You’re here because, for one reason or another, you’re unable to pass on to the next life. You’re confused and you think you’re alive and happy, but you’re not, you will always be alone and sad." I paused as I watched her face distort with rage. "The longer you stay, the more tormented you will become. Were you actually going to jump that morning, Lucy? Or were you waiting for me to talk you down? I could have, you know. I would have."
She screamed for me to stop, shaking uncontrollably until suddenly, in a flash of an eye, Lucy changed. That beautiful manifest was no longer and it was the old Lucy, the drug-filled Lucy who was full of revenge and hate, whom no one cared for; no one bar me. Her eyes filled with tears. "I’m free!" she screamed, but I could see that she didn't believe it. A large mirror from the wall flew across the room and shattered into a thousand pieces.
Great, a fucking poltergeist now! "
“He took away your choice Lucy. He took away your chance of happiness." I drummed my words home as hard as I could.
She held her head in her hands and let out a high-pitched scream. A picture fell from the wall and the room grew eerily cold, as my voice grew louder, stronger.
"Look at you Lucy, he hasn't given you happiness. You’re walking the earth to do his tormenting, you have no soul. Daniel has taken it from you. He took your life and now he has taken your soul. He showed you your daughter just to torment you. He's torturing you, Lucy. That's what he does. You’re just one of his tortured minds now. Free yourself, Lucy, free yourself from his chains. Set yourself free and then you might find what you are looking for.”
Lucy's tears were now tears of blood, as I knew what I was saying had hit home. She was hurting and my own words choked me, but it was something I had to do. I owed it to her. The balcony doors flew open and the fading, bloody, manifest that was sitting before me, floated out onto the balcony. I watched, entranced as she turned slowly around and before my very eyes everything became beautiful again. The room was warm, Lucy was stunningly beautiful and I watched her float away up into that sky, like the angel I’d always wanted her to be. She had set herself free, free as a bird.
"Rest in peace my darling," I whispered amid my tears. I had done some good today and for that I was thankful. Lucy was no longer Daniel’s.
I sat in my lounge, reflecting, regaining some level of sanity.
Picking up Becky, we ate a delicious Italian meal at a restaurant near to the Oceanic Shipping Building. We small-talked, deliberately avoiding what it was we were going to see. We shared a bottle of wine, but we remained focused and sober. Walking hand in hand toward that building, my other hand held the shopping bag I had brought with me. Holding hands wasn't a romantic gesture, or at least, I didn't think it was. I guess I'll never know now. I helped her up the ladder, to the exit to the roof, giving her pert bum a push. I felt a sexual urge then, the first one in ages.
We both got to the top, only to find two people already there. Molly, with Simon Reynolds and why was I not surprised? I walked over to Molly and kissed her cheek, but she didn't reciprocate, neither did she avoid it though. Her lack of a reaction bothered me not a jot. Our eyes locked and hers showed pain. As strong as she was, I recognised the pain in her eyes. I suspected she recognised mine also.
Molly and Becky just exchanged glances. No words were spoken between them. What could they have said? I then walked over to the edge of the building and emptied the contents of my bag on the balcony. First was the photo of Damien, then one of Maryann as a baby, followed by one of myself, then, Molly, then the tortured mind himself, Daniel, all five photographs close to the edge. I went and stood by Becky,
"What do we do now?” she asked.
I told her, "we wait” and took her hand. I could feel her shivering even though the night was muggy. I held her hand tightly to comfort her and then I started singing.
"Hello, darkness my old friend!"
***
Chapter 33 – Dani
el
So, the scene was now set and there was no going back. I had no idea if what happened tonight was going to end this suspended existence, caught between two worlds, neither part of one nor the other. One thing was for certain, though, whatever went down tonight was going to change all of the participants irrevocably.
I was furious with Jake. I knew Lucy was gone and I knew he had to be to blame. Somehow she had found her pathway to her final destiny. In one way, I was happy for her, she didn’t have to suffer this endless torment and wondering I was subjected to, but in another, I was deeply saddened. I was incredibly lonely as for those brief few hours, I had gotten to experience the warmth and compassion of another soul again. Having Lucy around me had only served to intensify the feelings of loss I had experienced... and now she was gone. I knew she was gone the minute she changed and floated out of Jake’s balcony. It was almost as if a part of me had been ripped out and I was all alone again.
Damn Jake! If he had been able to release Lucy so goddamn easily, why hadn’t he had the decency and compassion to do the same for me. Me, the person who had loved him unconditionally from the earliest moments. I had tried to seek our release when I tried to unite with him, but he wasn’t having a bar of it. God, why was that man so bloody stubborn? Why could he have not understood we were one in the same person, just separate halves of each other. Well, that was certainly something I planned to ask him at our little “reunion” this evening.
Tortured Minds Page 22
