by Jo Iles
‘No can do, Jacky boy. I’m off to Hong Kong tonight with a beautiful lady,’ Charlie replied offhandedly, barely able to hide a smirk as he dug out a suitcase from under his bed.
‘Nothing to say?’ Charlie asked when his brother didn’t say anything. ‘Don’t you want to know who I’m going with?’ he goaded as he proceeded to begin filling the suitcase first with the folders, then with an untidy assortment of various mismatched clothes and underwear.
‘I’m sure you’re going to enlighten me,’ Jack answered, already knowing the answer as he folded his arms across his chest and leaned against the doorjamb. He wasn’t entirely sure what had prompted his brother’s snarky mood, but he didn’t appreciate this side to him.
‘I’m going with Jessie,’ Charlie confirmed snidely.
Jack tried to keep the unexpected pain he felt from puckering his poker face. He knew what his brother had been going to say, but hearing him say her name was still hurtful.
‘Judging by the forest of paper you’ve packed there, I’m guessing you’ll be spending quite some time in the office. If you guys do manage to get some free time, then I’d be happy to give you some suggestions,’ Jack offered by way of reply, as calmly as he could muster, wearing a tight smile.
‘Thanks,’ Charlie acknowledged, pausing momentarily to notice his brother and study him carefully. Jack saw a look of disappointment cross his brother’s features. He was probably miffed that Jack wasn’t as irate as he’d thought he’d be. Charlie loved nothing more than winding his brother up, and several times over the past week he’d made insinuations that he liked Jessie. Jack had done his utmost not to rise to the bait. In pre-China days, Jack would have bitten his head off when it came to competing over a woman.
‘Enjoy your trip,’ Jack signed off, and walked off to his own room.
Jack closed his door quietly, fighting the urge to slam it shut to release his mounting frustration. He was fuming. Fuming at his brother for being an arrogant prick. Fuming at Jessie for going away with Charlie. How could she seriously be going away with him after the amazing weekend they’d just shared? He thought it’d been amazing, even if she obviously hadn’t. After several minutes of frantic pacing and mentally calling both his brother and Jessie every foul word under the sun, the more rational part of Jack’s brain started to take over from his initial caveman instincts. He knew in his heart of hearts that his roguish brother was not the main reason why Jessie was going to Hong Kong. Jessie was relatively untravelled, and her eyes had lit up something chronic when he’d told her stories of his life in Asia. He knew she longed for an adventure of her own, which surely must have contributed to her accepting Charlie’s offer to go. Also, Charlie could very well have forced her to go, playing the work card, giving her no other choice. Knowing Charlie as he did, Jack could quite easily envisage Charlie having done this. Maybe it was a genuine work thing and there was no alternative for Jessie.
As the adrenaline started to subside, Jack became more aware of his surroundings again and suddenly noticed his phone flash to life on his nightstand. He’d had it on silent all day and it had only just occurred to him that someone may have been trying to reach him. Jessie may have been trying to reach him. Sure enough, he’d received two missed calls from Jessie and a voicemail. The calls had been received over twenty minutes ago, long before Charlie had dropped what was his perceived bombshell to antagonise his brother.
The voicemail was from Jessie too.
‘Hi Jack,’ she began all bright and breezy, ‘sorry to miss you, hence the garbled voicemail. Well… I’m off to Hong Kong this evening on business…with Charlie. Quite exciting to be going so far at such short notice. Anyway, just wanted to let you know I’ll be out of town for the next week or so and that I’ll call you when I’m back. Also… I just wanted to say that… er … I … I had a really nice time at the weekend and hope you did too. Well, bye then.’
Jack slowly pulled the phone away from his ear and couldn’t stop himself from smiling widely. She’d started her message with what Jack thought to be rehearsed words in a businesslike, to-the-point manner, which he didn’t care too much for. Probably owing to the content and mention of Charlie’s name. However, she’d redeemed herself during the second part of the message, saying she’d had a good weekend. He heard the uncertainty and edge of vulnerability in her voice, which made him want to wrap his strong arms around her and keep her safe.
Jack lay down on his bed and thought about happy memories from the weekend with Jessie. He didn’t exactly feel shame for berating Charlie and Jessie behind their backs upon hearing the news just minutes ago. But he understood why she would want to go. Plus, her nice words had softened the impact slightly. She liked him. The voicemail had assured him that she’d had fun at the weekend and that she was keeping lines open for future communication. Without saying so, she had been telling him she wasn’t running off into the sunset with Charlie. The question Jack now found himself asking was: What kind of game was his big brother playing at?
Chapter 37
Tom was being chauffeur to Jessie again, driving her to the airport on her last-minute business trip, which she’d called him about a mere few hours earlier in a considerable flutter. Tom didn’t know whether he entirely bought the whole thing or not. If he was completely honest, he didn’t really know what to think. Jessie suddenly calling him to say she was going away with her boss had been a total bolt out of the blue. She never went anywhere with work, let alone anywhere as far away as Hong Kong. His heart had definitely skipped a few beats until he’d managed to confirm with her that the duration of her trip would be for around a week and not for the rest of her lifetime. He really hadn’t liked how that had felt. The thought of her relocating to some far-off place for good was not a happy one for him.
Over the past week or so, Tom had managed—well, more like struggled—to admit to himself that his feelings for Jessie actually ran a little deeper than just platonic friendship. Although there was no way he could consider himself as anything other than a gay man, where Jessie was concerned, there was a glaring question mark regarding what he really wanted from his relationship with her.
Tom desperately wanted to fill Jessie in on what he was going through. The problem was, however he tried to phrase and word his feelings, it simply didn’t sound right. He barely understood it himself, so how could he ever expect her to? He contemplated the idea of telling her that he thought she and she alone made him feel less gay, and that he’d prefer it if she stayed away from all other men until he figured out whether he wanted her or not. Upon further reflection he found this idea absolutely repulsive, and thoroughly deserving of a sharp slap around the face. He couldn’t do that to his friend even if that’s what he really wanted and what he really felt. What he wanted more than anything in the world was time. Time to figure out if what he was going through was a fundamental change to his lifestyle choice of the past twenty years, or if it was something of a passing phase.
As he drove, Tom kept looking over to Jessie in his passenger seat. She looked nervous and seemed to be continuously playing with her hands in her lap. He wanted to reach over and squeeze her knee, or grab her hands to bring her some peace, but he was afraid to. Instead, he settled for words.
‘Feeling nervous, chick?’ Tom asked her as brightly as he could muster.
‘Just a tad,’ she replied quickly, her hands still fidgeting. Tom eyed her dancing hands, feeling tempted to still them, but then thought better of it and returned his gaze to the road.
‘You’ll be absolutely fine,’ he said reassuringly.
‘Will I? How exactly do you know that?’ she asked snappily, her stress levels getting the better of her. She visibly forced herself to take a couple of deep breaths. ‘I’m sorry,’ she said, facing him and grabbing his knee. Tom willed himself to relax under her touch. ‘It’s just, I don’t know what’s going on with me at the moment. All these years I’ve been convinced that I’m destined to be Charlie’s significant other. Then I
meet his brother who’s just…well, he’s just lovely. Then I go on a terrible date with Charlie and agree to go to Hong Kong with him. I mean, I’m excited to go to Hong Kong and all, but I’m just so confused. To top it all, I don’t know why we’re going. Charlie is being all cryptic about this trip and it’s just so last-minute, I feel woefully underprepared. What the hell am I doing? I’m safe and dependable Jessie, I shouldn’t be playing two guys and jet-setting about the place on my company’s time and money for no apparent reason.’
‘Hey, stop ranting there for one minute Jess,’ Tom said forcefully.
‘Sorry,’ she automatically responded, retrieving her hand from his leg and studying his face carefully to see how angry he was.
‘Don’t you ever think of yourself as merely safe and dependable. You’re loyal and reliable, but there’s a hell of a lot more to you than just being someone’s support mechanism,’ Tom continued. ‘You haven’t done anything wrong. You’ve seen two guys; but are you exclusive with either of them? No, you’re not. Plus they both know about the other one, so what’s the problem?’
Jessie returned her gaze to her hands, allowing Tom to return to his own thoughts. He wondered if she was telling him everything. About Charlie, this business trip, and Jack. He trusted her, of course he did; but at the same time, maybe he wasn’t completely enlightened. After all, if the shoe were on the other foot, he’d spare her some of the details, wouldn’t he?
‘Of course your stupid bank should be sending you off overseas to represent them. You’re good with people, excellent company, and bloody brilliant at your job. Don’t feel bad about going on their buck. I’m sure they can stump up for your economy seat and hotel,’ Tom said, trying to reassure her when she hadn’t said anything for some minutes.
Not that he would have told Jessie, but he thought there was something slightly amiss about her travelling all that way in economy class on a business trip. Even knowing that Charlie was also flying economy, something felt a bit odd about it to Tom, as he certainly didn’t regard it as standard practice for a big bad bank like Jessie’s. Tom pushed this niggle to the back of his mind, explaining it away as budget constraints, and glanced across at Jessie to see how his words had affected her.
She seemed to have stopped wringing the hell out of her hands, which Tom regarded as progress, and she was now staring dead ahead, clearly wearing a pensive expression on her face. Tom didn’t push her for a response. He knew she would come back when she was ready.
‘I’m not fishing for compliments here, but do you really think people can see me as anything more than a safe pair of hands?’ she asked, after a bit more silent pondering.
‘If I may be so bold, Jessie, as to speak plainly, in an attempt to enlighten you,’ Tom said formally, then paused momentarily, deciding whether or not to let her reply. He decided to continue quickly before she could interject. ‘For some godforsaken reason you have no idea—absolutely no clue—of your true worth. I am here to tell you that you are valuable, you are incredibly important to the people who love you, and because of that it’s okay to do what you want to do from time to time. You spend your entire life trying to please and accommodate everyone else around you, so much so that you forget about the most important person in the room. That’s you, Jessie,’ he added for effect, and just in case she was in need of any further clarification.
‘Thanks, Tom, you always know how to boost my ego,’ she said, trying to lighten the seriousness of Tom’s tone as she always did.
‘I mean it, Jessie. You’ve got to stop selling yourself short. You deserve good things to happen to you and you shouldn’t feel guilty about letting them happen to you. Go on your trip, be open-minded, and have a wonderful time,’ he concluded as he pulled into the drop-off zone at the airport.
‘My God, we’re here already,’ Jessie exclaimed in an alarmed, panicky voice. She took a couple of deep breaths to regain her composure and turned to face Tom.
‘Thanks for everything, Tom. You are truly the best friend a girl could wish for,’ she said earnestly, leaning over to peck him on the cheek. Tom froze in his seat for a moment, paralysed by her touch. He willed himself to relax. With a significant effort he forced himself to get out of the car and retrieve her suitcase from the boot. He carried the case slowly over to the pavement, trying to phrase in his head some semblance of what he wanted to convey to her.
‘Got your passport and your credit cards?’ Tom asked, buying himself more time before the inevitable goodbye.
‘Check and check,’ she replied, trying to force a smile. He could see the nerves she was barely able to disguise.
‘Jessie, I just have to say something,’ Tom began, looking her directly in the eye. ‘I sometimes think you spend so little time even thinking about what it is you really want in life that you don’t even know what you want to do, or where you want to go, or even who you really want to be with.’ He tried to emphasise the who bit, but he wasn’t entirely sure if she’d gotten the message or not. Her slightly puzzled look didn’t suggest that she had. Bugger, Tom thought to himself.
‘Okay,’ she said while she thought of a better response. ‘I’ll use this trip to try and figure out what it is that I really want. I promise,’ she said, looking up at him smiling. She wrapped her arms around him, in that totally natural way she always did with him, and gave him one of her best, comforting hugs. Tom breathed in her scent and noticed the arch of her back as his hands came to rest in the small of her back.
‘Have fun,’ he whispered into her hair, suddenly feeling himself getting choked up.
Jessie pulled away, grabbed her suitcase, and walked into the terminal.
‘Wish me luck,’ she called over her shoulder to Tom, with a forced smile plastered on her face.
‘Good luck,’ he called back as she turned again and disappeared through the automatic doors.
Tom stood rooted to the spot, silently hoping she would come running back and throw her arms around him and… what? What did he want? He felt more confused than ever as he was brought back to reality by a car’s horn going berserk. Something she had said really rankled him. Saying he was ‘the best friend a girl could have.’ It was true, they were best friends. She must have said it a hundred times before, so why did he not like her saying it now? Tom drove home in a haze of denial and contradictions, feeling, for the first time in his life, thoroughly lost and at a loss for what to do next. One thing he did realise was that he needed to take some of his own advice and figure out what it was he wanted—and, more importantly, who it was he wanted to be with.
Chapter 38
Jessie was bloody exhausted. Nearly twelve hours flying economy had near enough killed her and her enthusiasm for this trip. She ached all over. Owing to the lateness of their booking there hadn’t been a vast array of seats to choose from, and they hadn’t even managed to get two seats next to each other. Jessie had selflessly offered Charlie the only bulkhead seat available at the check-in desk. This was all well and good, aside from the fact that her noble deed had left her stuck in a middle seat of a cramped row, sandwiched between a slightly rotund man and a friendly middle-aged woman. All had been perfectly amiable while they were awake. However, it had gone drastically downhill when the blinds had gone down and the lights had gone out. The rotund man was a serial armrest hogger who had been intent on having the volume up at full blast on his headphones for the whole duration of the three action films he watched. The friendly woman on Jessie’s other side had looked inoffensive upon first appearance, but once she’d finished her glass of wine she’d fallen asleep and snored for England at rousing-the-dead decibels.
Upon arrival in Hong Kong, waiting at the carousel for their luggage to appear, Jessie was feeling somewhat less than peachy. Charlie wasn’t exactly fresh, but he looked a damn sight less crumpled and haggard than Jessie did. The bulkhead had obviously been a great gift, Jessie found herself thinking bitterly.
They took a taxi from the airport to their hotel in the city. Jessi
e sat silently taking in the magnitude of her surroundings—and for the first time in her life, she was quite happy to not have to talk to Charlie. What had happened to her? Well, she could explain it, in part, on account of the amazing scenery that was flashing past her. There were mile upon mile of shipping containers all neatly stacked, interspersed with massive cranes. And just when she thought there couldn’t possibly be any more of the port there would be more colourful containers around the next bend. It reminded her of when she used to take the train to Wales when she was a child. All along the north coast were caravan parks housing rows and rows of seemingly never-ending caravans. Only this was much more exciting and spectacular. And not North Wales.
Behind what seemed like the never-ending containers was the Hong Kong island skyline in the distance, drawing ever closer. Jessie was breathless. It was awesome. Such tall buildings, much taller than anything in England, all seemed to be crammed together on a small thin stretch of land overlooked by the infamous Peak. The sun was starting to go down, and the light twinkling against all the glass and metal of ultra-modern skyscrapers just added to the magic of the experience. Even Charlie seemed slightly awed by the sight before him, if his silence was anything to go by, and Charlie was not a man to be easily impressed.
The views weren’t enough to exactly revitalise Jessie after her hellish flight, but some of her initial enthusiasm and sheer girlish excitement had been reignited. It would have been impossible for it not to be. She felt a strong desire to go out and explore—a marked contrast with the overwhelming desire to collapse into bed which she’d felt a mere twenty minutes earlier at the airport.
Charlie looked across at her and noted her happier expression.
‘The hotel is just outside of Central. It isn’t far to the office though and there’s a free shuttle bus we can take which runs every fifteen minutes. I checked online; the place looks nice, a bit like a Travelodge,’ Charlie explained, clearly expecting Jessie to be impressed that he’d done his research.
