That sounded better than he needs to know I want him, I want to help him heal and see that smile like the one in his file, the one that lit him up from the inside out, I want to see that directed at me. I want— Glenn shut off that train of thought; he wanted too many things, probably. “How long has it been since he’s left the apartment?”
“Days,” Chase said after frowning at him for a moment. “I mean, it’s not like there’s anywhere to go, though, just a trip to the grocery store or maybe the convenience store. Little shit like that. He says no when we ask him.”
Glenn shoved down the fear that was winding its way up his oesophagus. “And what about seeing a doctor? A therapist, if there’s a decent one here?”
Chase shook his head as he cast his eyes down. “No, he refuses to see anyone. Nick is planning on coming back with his partner Josh—he’s a nurse—and seeing if James will let Josh give him a check-up of sorts, but I don’t even know if James will agree to that. He said he just needs time, and I can understand what he means.”
“But he doesn’t need to stay locked in that apartment like a princess in an ivory tower,” Xavier said, coming up behind Glenn.
Glenn nodded. The man had said almost word for word what Glenn had been
thinking. “Has he even come here, to your place?”
“No,” Chase and Xavier both answered. Glenn noticed the way Chase’s complexion had paled, and thought the man’s shoulders had drooped as well. He almost felt bad for Chase, then he got past his own self-righteous indignation that they weren’t taking care of James right, good enough, something, and stepped forward to put a hand on Chase’s shoulder. Green eyes, tinged with a shadow of bleakness, looked back at him.
“It’s not your fault,” Glenn said in the calmest voice he could manage, the one he used for victims and family members when they looked like guilt would swallow them whole.
“And it may be nothing. James might not be up to venturing out, and that isn’t necessarily a bad thing since we’re worried about his parents finding him. It might even be why he’s stayed tucked away. But if it’s anything else, if he’s having panic attacks when he tries to leave or if he can’t leave because—well, because he can’t, then those are other, important www.total-e-bound.com
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issues, ones we need to know about.” He stressed the ‘we’ because he wanted it clear that he intended to be a part of James’ recovery.
“What if you’re part of the problem?” Chase asked, voicing one of Glenn’s biggest fears.
“That doesn’t make any sense,” Glenn said, trying to soothe his own worries as well as Chase’s. “But it could be. If so, it’s something James needs to get past, something I have to help him past.”
Chase scowled for a split second then his features evened out into an unreadable mask. “And why does it have to be you?”
Glenn felt like rolling his eyes and stomping his foot, for all the good it’d do him.
Instead he gently squeezed Chase’s shoulder before dropping his hand back to his side.
“Because I intend to be around for a long time, and even if I didn’t, James still has no reason to be afraid of me. It’s not rational, and it may be a sign of deeper issues.” And Glenn really didn’t want to talk about it anymore, not with anyone other than James. “Just let me have a chance here, please.”
The plea wasn’t difficult for him to make, and the sincerity in it seemed to have helped Chase make up his mind. “All right, I guess… I guess we need to do what’s best for James. I just wish to hell I knew what that was.” He turned and opened the front door.
Glenn followed him the short distance to the garage apartment, all the while thinking over what he’d kind of maybe figured out last night. Once Chase and Xavier had left, he’d sat exhausted and angry and worried near to death. Glenn had years of dealing with traumatised people, and once he put aside his own emotions, he’d been able to examine James and his reactions somewhat logically. Somewhat, because Glenn couldn’t completely block out his own feelings for the man.
He suspected James hated that Glenn had seen him like he had, chained and abused, terrified and half out of his mind with what had been done to him. James probably thought Glenn would now think of him as weak, especially since he would know Glenn knew everything that had happened to him. And there was definitely trauma, the things that had been done to him, the way he’d been hurt—tortured—Glenn corrected, because wasn’t that what it really was?
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James’ pride was likely involved as well, though Glenn bet the man didn’t think he had any of that left. He tried to imagine what he’d feel like if he were in James’ shoes, and didn’t like what he came up with at all.
Chase stopped at the landing and pounded on James’ door, hard enough to rattle the hinges. There was no way James couldn’t have heard. Glenn was sure even earphones pumping out music at full blast couldn’t have covered the sound, and surely the whole place vibrated with each thump of Chase’s fist.
“James!” When there was no reply to Chase’s shout, the lean blond cast a worried glance at Glenn then plucked a set of keys from his pocket. Glenn arched a brow and Chase’s lips twitched even as he shoved the key into the first lock. “I don’t always have to pick the locks. And your hotel room one was pathetically easy, by the way.”
Glenn didn’t bother with replying as something that felt a hell of a lot like acid began gnawing at his stomach. The sensation was painful enough that he rubbed at his belly as sweat broke out on his brow. A drop of it ran down the length of his spine, tickling the top of his crack before either being absorbed by his briefs or making way for parts further south. He tapped his foot impatiently before he could stop himself, but luckily Chase was too busy working the last lock open to notice.
“James,” Chase called out before he even had the door open. He glanced at Glenn.
“Maybe you should stay out here until—”
“No,” Glenn said in that same damn calm voice he so was not feeling. Anything else he might have added was swallowed as soon as he heard the gasping, stuttering breaths and the erratic sobs.
Chase was fast, and beyond doubt a loyal, loving friend, but Glenn had his own set of feelings for James which propelled his feet at a pace they’d likely never set before. Still, Chase reached what turned out the be the bathroom by only a hair in front of Glenn, and the sight there threatened to bring Glenn to his knees.
Then it did, as he dropped down beside Chase, who was murmuring soothingly, holding his hands right above James like he was afraid to touch him. When Chase gave him a look broadcasting exactly that, Glenn nodded sharply. “Let him know you’re there.” His voice conveyed none of the worry gouging at him. Glenn had seen more than a few panic attacks but this one was tearing at him with sharp claws.
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He eased closer on his knees, debating whether or not he should touch James. Chase was; he was touching and stroking and murmuring in a honey-sweet voice, and Glenn was suddenly so jealous he couldn’t see straight. He closed his eyes and forced that ridiculous emotion out of his head then opened his eyes again. James was still curled in on himself, but his breathing sounded less ragged, the breaths deeper, slower, instead of short and shallow.
Glenn dared to reach out, to lightly stroke the red hair that was just growing into curls. It was silky, cool against his skin, and he really had to resist the urge to bury his hand in it. Instead he forced himself to pull back and move over into James’ line of sight. He hoped the man didn’t have another panic attack, and he surely hoped he wasn’t the cause of this one, but he was beginning to really think he wasn’t the man James needed in his life.
Not if he brought about this kind of terror in J
ames. Then James’ eyes opened, unfocused first then seeming to zero right in on Glenn. Glenn was reasonably certain that wasn’t fear he saw in those forest green eyes. Anger burned bright in James’ gaze, but was it at himself for being found in the middle of a panic attack or at Glenn for being there, or worse, for him being the cause of it?
“What are you doing here?” James spat out, and Glenn supposed he had his answer, didn’t he?
Chase stiffened and frowned down at his friend. “You knew he was coming, you said—”
James pushed at Chase’s hands and shoved himself into a sitting position, his back against the side of the tub as he levelled an angry glare on them both. “I meant, why is he here, in my place!” Then, as suddenly as the bout of anger had swelled, it seemed to drain from James as he slouched, almost tipping sideways. He pulled his knees up and rested his forehead on them, mumbling an apology to Chase. Glenn assumed that’s what he was doing anyway, as all he could make out was an occasional ‘sorry’.
Chase moved over to sit beside James and draped an arm over his slender shoulders before pulling him into a hug. Glenn felt inconsequential— and why shouldn’t I? What the fuck am I doing here? The last question hit him so hard he shoved himself up and stumbled backwards, not that either of the men on the floor seemed to notice. Glenn’s chest ached, actually physically hurt, and he figured if he dropped dead of a heart attack, neither Chase or James would notice. He slapped a hand to his chest and rubbed as he took another stumbling www.total-e-bound.com
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step backwards, only to slam into something hard that smelt like leather and expensive cologne.
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Chapter Seven
The restraints bit into his wrists, tearing already damaged flesh, sending fiery tendrils of pain up his arms as his heart tried to burst out of his chest. Darkness surrounded him, but he could feel the other man’s presence. Goosebumps pebbled his skin, and the air thickened, clogging his airway and making it impossible to draw a breath. Fear clawed up from his gut, his body tensed. Pain was coming, more pain, heaped onto his already damaged flesh. He couldn’t take any more, he’d lose what was left of his mind if—
Arms surrounded him, holding him in place. James screamed, the sound weak to his own ears.
He tried to fight, tried to scratch and gouge. His arms were pinned. What was happening? He couldn’t fight, couldn’t stop the sick bastard from hurting him—
A soft, sweet voice bled into his ear, murmuring reassurances. James fought against being pulled from that dark space in his head. It was a trick, another twisted game to make him think he was safe. If he opened his eyes, he’d be right back in the room, chained to the bed. It wasn’t any different than what was happening in his mind, and if he believed it was, he’d lose it, never find his way back when he opened his eyes to find the man who haunted his nightmares looking back at him.
Only…James sniffled, trying to control himself. He enjoyed it when James broke, enjoyed making him hurt. James still had enough of himself left to want to thwart his pleasure. He inhaled slightly and frowned, stilling his attempts to get free. The smell was all wrong. There was none of the acrid sweat, the menthol cigarettes and foul odour that always accompanied him. And…he squeezed his eyes shut even tighter and tried to think. The body felt different, smaller, thinner, not bulky and overpowering. The hands stroking his back felt gentle, the voice seeping into his consciousness familiar, safe.
Chase. He knew that voice, the scent of sandalwood and citrus. James shuddered, his entire body heaving as he took a deep breath. Sparks flickered behind his eyelids, sending his synapses into working order. He was safe. Chase and his lover had come, and Shearing—
James’ heartbeat accelerated upon envisioning the handsome older man. His stomach twisted and anger coursed through his veins. Shearing had seen him at his worst, had to www.total-e-bound.com
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think James a weak, pathetic excuse for a man, unable to defend himself, tied like a goddamned animal.
And instead of appearing to be any better, anything more than a crazy fucked-up man, James had totally lost his shit, just because he was going to have to leave the apartment!
James tried to figure out what that meant as a tremor of trepidation raced down his spine. How long had he been here, his mental mess spilling all over the floor? James took a shaky breath, filling his senses with the scent of Chase, the safety of being held in the man’s arms. His hands finally found purchase, grabbing hold of Chase’s shirt, clutching tightly.
“I’ve got you, James, it’s going to be okay.”
Those words spun around and around in his head, Chase murmuring them
repeatedly. James wished he could believe, but he felt as broken inside as he must appear to be on the outside. Damaged, that was the only way he could think of himself. The things that had been done to him had ruined him.
James’ eyes popped open rather than letting his thoughts go there. He blinked several times until he could focus on Chase’s chiselled jaw, lightly stubbled with blond hair. He tensed his fingers, holding on as he struggled to pull himself out of the dark place that had sucked him down so deeply.
Slowly, he became aware of being on the floor, partially draped over Chase’s legs, Chase leaning over him, holding him. James hated himself even more right then, knowing Chase wouldn’t be alone, at least Xavier would be there as well to witness this humiliation.
Once he could focus past Chase’s voice and his own heartbeat thundering in his ears, James could make out two other voices, and that was it, he closed his eyes and wished he would just die and be done with it all. He was too fucked up to fix, too big a mess to function, and it was too goddamned much work to even try—and he was so tired of trying to be normal, when inside he knew he’d never be that way again.
“I’m going to have Xav help me lift you up, okay James?” Chase whispered in a soothing tone that would have made James laugh once upon a time. He’d never thought of Chase as the soothing sort, but right now he didn’t have the energy to do anything more than grunt. His cheeks were burning, and tightness was building in his chest again, all because he knew who the third voice belonged to. James would know that voice anywhere; somehow www.total-e-bound.com
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it’d embedded into his very soul, and that terrified him, not as much as what had happened to him, but…
“Glenn, can you wait in the kitchen?” That, from Xavier, confirmed James’ fear. He knew exactly who Glenn was, hadn’t forgot even though he’d been a fucked up mess in a drug induced stupor when the FBI agent had first introduced himself, which was after Glenn had almost died trying to rescue him the first time around. James pulled on Chase’s shirt so hard he heard seams rip, but he couldn’t help it. He tried to bury his face in his friend’s chest, hoping that Glenn or Shearing or whatever he wanted to be called now, the FBI agent wouldn’t be able to see him. Stupid, he knew, but he couldn’t resist doing it any more than he could stop being afraid every time he saw Shearing.
Because even as fucked up as he was, James knew. He knew Shearing wanted him, and that terrified him right to his core. As Xavier and Chase lifted him up, James tried to figure out why Shearing wanting him scared him so much, but he couldn’t piece it together.
There were parts of his memories missing, things that made no sense, terrible dark things that reached for him and made him cringe and cry and he didn’t want to know what they were.
But he was very much afraid that Glenn Shearing would make him face those things, and James truly didn’t know if he could survive doing so. As he curled up on his side and huddled under the blankets Chase pulled up, James didn’t think he would ever even have the str
ength to try.
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Chapter Eight
Standing in the kitchen while Chase and Xavier helped James, Glenn thought he had never felt so useless in his life. He ached to be the one comforting James, yet he couldn’t even be in the same room with the man. Glenn paced the small area, the image of James falling apart in the bathroom playing in his mind. He stopped abruptly, stumbling slightly, the remembered sounds of James’ harsh stuttered breaths resounding in his ears.
James needed help. Not just the support of friends, but psychological help—and not the drugged up kind he’d been getting from that bullshit excuse for a clinic. For whatever reason, James had burrowed under his skin, and Glenn couldn’t just walk away. It might be easier for him, but what about James? Would the people around him coddle him and let him hide away from the world? Would they, in their attempts to help him, let the fear and pain that haunted him keep him locked away in a prison of his own making?
Glenn feared they would. If Chase didn’t push him, James might never recover from what he’d been through. Glenn didn’t try fooling himself, he knew James might never be the man he once was, but he could damn sure be more than the product of his experiences. Or, James could be stronger because of his experiences.
But not if he was never encouraged to deal with it.
Glenn nodded to himself then walked to the bedroom door, pushing it open slightly.
He couldn’t quite bury the surge of jealousy when he saw Chase comforting James, murmuring softly to him, touching him. James didn’t shy away from Chase, didn’t look at him with fear-filled eyes.
Glenn wanted that, wanted those green eyes turned on him, willingly and, eventually, sparkling with warmth. He wanted to touch James, feel his creamy skin under his hands, feel James tremble from something stronger than fear. Walking away would never get him that, and Glenn resolved not to give up, not when there was any hope at all that he and James could have a relationship.
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