by Hazel Parker
I could still remember the quiet mornings when I would wake around four, before the sun rose over the Arizona horizon, looking out into the dark and sneaking off to the club on my bicycle. That was the last place I saw my father alive and somehow, being there made me feel closer to him. Harrison found me one morning and he didn’t say a thing except, “Follow me.” He mounted his bike and pointed to another for me to get on. At the time, I had no idea where we were going. I didn’t know if I should follow him either. He was still new to the club. At the time, all I knew was he was a war vet and forced into retirement after ten years in the service. He had to be around thirty years old. But he was a brother. A Bandito and I trusted him with my life. So I followed him.
Together, we slowly rode up a mountain, around several curves and hidden bends until we were on a ledge. Then in the stillness of the morning, we watched the heavens swing open and the sun rise.
I didn’t know it at the time, but Harrison had just showed me his own way of coping. By managing his own grief, he helped me manage mine. For months, we’d ride up in the still of morning and wait for the day to meet us. Over time, we rode more because of the serenity it gave us rather than the need to escape. I dealt with my grief and in learning that, I learned how to be a skilled driver. It felt a lot like becoming a man. It happened when I wasn’t paying attention and I owed it all to Harrison. I reached out in my own way and he held on. Without him, I couldn’t say where I would be. There’s nothing more dangerous in life than a troubled teen without a father. Ethan was proof of that.
“Mrs. Harrison?” A doctor with silver hair and the face of some guy you'd ask for directions called out, interrupting my thoughts. He was completely nonthreatening with his thin glasses and weathered face. Lila and the crew immediately jumped up. I hung back, watching. I didn't have to hear what was being said to know it wasn't good. His movements were unhurried and deliberate, as if choreographed, ready to catch Lila if she fell, but she didn't. She had us.
She stood there taking it all in. The pain on her face was as clear as an open wound. She covered her face, her sobs stifled as if trying to push the tears back in. Jerry rubbed her back trying to comfort her as the devastation pushed hard. She turned into Jerry’s chest and wailed. I winced. The primal sounded of her pain pulled at me. They were the kind of sounds humans were programmed not to ignore. It hurt to hear. To be so close to that kind of pain. I felt guilty walking away even though I knew I was coming back. Gus, our faithful leader stepped up with follow up questions.
“I don't understand. Brain dead? And there's nothing we can do?”
“I’m sorry, I’m afraid there isn't. The machines are keeping him alive. With Mrs. Harrison's permission, I'd like to suggest organ donation. He'd be a viable candidate, and he’d be able to help a lot of people,” he said with a perfunctory frown of sympathy. “I'm sorry for your loss,” he said again before turning to walk away.
Well, shit.
I have to get out of here. I have to get out of here. Now. I could feel it. It was coming for me. To sink me. Drown me.
I had to get out of here.
There were enough people in the waiting room to support Lila and hold her up. They could spare me a few minutes, and that's all I needed. Harrison was a good guy, and for some reason, hearing he was brain dead was worse than hearing he’d died on the operating table. I almost would have preferred that. At least that way, he would truly be gone. Brain dead offered options, delusions, and a lot of maybes. I didn’t want to hear he was on some table existing solely because machines willed it to be. I didn’t want to hear that there was a slight chance he’d wake up. One in a million was still a small chance and I hoped Lila wouldn’t cling to that as I walked away.
I figured if I was going to leave, I might as well make myself useful. I had no idea where I was going, but I had every intention of finding the cafeteria. I walked aimlessly, lost in my thoughts into a dead end. Nothing here but rows of medical supplies. It was darker and secluded and gave me the minute I needed. I stood there gaping like a fish, gulping air and stuffing my pain back down where it came from, where it's supposed to lay quietly.
Where the hell am? How did I get here?
I tried to think rationally while mentally fighting my own demons.
This isn't about you. You don't get to hurt right now. This is Lila's pain.
That all sounded good, but the truth was pain isn't picky; it'll kick whoever it wants and if you let it, it'll make you its bitch.
“Are you lost?” A soft voice came from behind me.
I froze, the fog of my thoughts vanishing, the rows of supplies and the smooth, tan color of the wall materializing around me instead. I only needed seconds, but it was enough to piece my fractured face together and seal off my emotions just before I fell completely apart. I cleared my voice and turned around.
Brown eyes.
That's the first thing I saw. Big, brown eyes, wide and morphing into concern—concern for me.
I stared at her face, trying to absorb the beauty while my chest ached. I'm not sure if you'd say she was classically beautiful, but her large, liquid, brown eyes held such an intelligence and serenity that it was impossible for me not to be held prisoner by them. Her cheekbones weren't especially high, and her nose was a little too long to be perfect, but there was undeniable symmetry to her features, and perhaps that's what held me so captivated. Her black hair was pinned in a bun, and in my mind, I could easily imagine holding the hair in my hands as our lips pushed against each other. She was wearing scrubs that in no way should have been so attractive, but on her curves, they were.
“What gave me away?” I asked the petite nurse standing with one foot around the corner as if her body was debating whether to keep walking or stop to help me.
“Your face. I've seen that look enough times. Where you headed?” she asked, not at all judging.
I hoped my face didn't show that I was seconds from a panic attack. “I was trying for the cafeteria.” If it did, she didn't seem like she minded. In fact, the longer we stood together, the more I didn't want her to walk away. What could I do? How could I get her to stay?
“Well then you're a long ways away, my friend. It's on the second floor. You're on the fourth. You'd need to take the elevator to the second floor, turn left and then—you know what? Why don't you just follow me?”
I'd follow her anywhere. “You sure you don't mind? I don't want to impose.”
“Not at all. I'm on break anyway. I was just off to get my own cup of java.”
I smiled softly at her words and that she was kind enough to escort me to the cafeteria. I liked her voice. Something about it was calming. I didn't much care what we talked about as I stepped in time with her, not paying attention to where we were going.
Kaylen
I sat at the nurse station, exhausted. This was the first time in four hours that I'd had a moment to sit down. If I could, I would have propped my feet up on the desk, but there wasn't any space. I barely had enough space to type the updated patient information into their charts.
The morning had been a blur of taking vitals, bed-baths, changing adult diapers, and administering medications. I typed in Rudy Thompkins’s hourly BP, thankful to be free of her clutches. She rang for a nurse every five minutes, and if I didn't come immediately, she’d start screaming. Most days I loved my job, but patients like her made me want to scream right along with them. After typing in the last number, I smiled at the time in the corner of the computer. My lunch break had officially begun, though that really didn't mean much in the grand scheme of emergencies; patients were more important than lunch. I scrutinized my notes, making sure they were as meticulous as possible. The one thing I did remember about nursing school was the doctors drilling us about the importance of the patient’s chart.
“This is a legal document,” the instructor would bellow, holding a blank chart in the air. “Your notes need to be written in such a way that they'd stand in the court of law!”
If I were ever summoned, there'd be no issue with my notes. I wrote concisely, but elaborated in every place I thought appropriate. If I were working somewhere that still had paper charts, my penmanship would be equally clear and legible.
I stood and stretched. Exhaustion wasn't an excuse here. Everyone was tired. With fifteen minutes left on my break, I logged out of my account on the computer, sterilized my hands, and made my way to the cafeteria. I needed caffeine about a week ago.
Most times I walked on autopilot, barely paying attention to the things around me. After a while, it all blurred into the same thing: patients, either crying, laughing, coughing, or something in between. It was all the same and it was hard to condition myself not to respond. My job was to respond and help, but I was on break. I can’t just stop every time someone needed help. I tried to remember that as I walked briskly to the elevator. I didn't last a second seeing the dark shadow of a man, obviously not in the right place.
His back was to me and I peeked around the corner cautiously. He didn't seem like he was stealing anything or doing something perverse. He also didn't seem like he was crying. I tried to go on but something held me back.
“Are you lost?”
It was a simple question. If he said yes, I'd point him in the right direction. If he said no, I'd go on my merry way. I could hear the coffee calling my name. He turned and I flushed at the sight of him. His chiseled jaw clenched, his icy blue eyes dazed but focusing solely on me. I was tall for a woman, five foot seven, yet he towered over me still.
“What gave me away?” His voice tickled up my spine and I shivered.
“Your face. I've seen that look enough times,” I said, trying to act normal. “Where you headed?”
“I was trying for the cafeteria,” he said, running his hands through his dirty-blond hair. He looked like he'd had a long day. His eyes had bags, his face was pale with exhaustion—like he’d been in the hospital too long. I bet if I put him beside a bed, he’d be asleep in a minute.
“Well then you're a long ways away, my friend. It's on the second floor. You're on the fourth. You'd need to take the elevator to the second floor, turn left and then—”
In truth, I had all the reasons in the world to leave him with my instructions and no logical reasons to accompany him, but I wanted to be around him a little longer. Maybe it was because he looked so dejected? Maybe because it’s in my nature to help? It didn’t help that he was hotter than sin either.
“You know what? Why don't you just follow me?”
“You sure you don't mind? I don't want to impose,” he said stepping forward.
“Not at all. I'm on break anyway. I was just off to get my own cup of java.”
I noticed his arms—tanned and toned. He was dressed casually in a white V-neck t-shirt and jeans. Colors stood out against the pale skin of his arm, knitting together stories that I wanted to hear. At a glance, I could see several crosses, tribal work mixed in with some kind of animal with wings. I had a thing for tattoos. Tattoos that are like artwork—who am I kidding? Tattoos are artwork. And this man was a complete work of art. I tried to study his arms inconspicuously as the elevator rode down. Only his right arm was inked. I wanted to ask him why, but it was clear he was in a world of his own.
“Long day?”
“Yeah,” he said sighing deeply. “I lost a friend today.” His shoulders slumped as if his body just accepted the admission.
Crap. Why did I even ask? Of course something bad happened to someone he knows. He’s in the damn hospital. “Oh. I'm so sorry. I hope he didn't suffer.”
“I don't think he did. It was a car accident, but he was unconscious when they found him.”
“That's terrible.”
“Yeah. I agree. It is. His widow practically fell apart.”
I cringed. I knew what that looked like. I'd seen it enough times.
“They have any kids?”
He shook his head. “No, but they were trying.”
I never knew if that was good or bad. On one hand, the widow kept a piece of her husband; on the other hand, no children were left fatherless.
“So you taking a break?”
“Yeah. A much needed one. I'm hoping I can make it better by bringing coffee for everyone,” he said, lifting the corners of his mouth attempting to smile. It fell flat.
“It'll help. It's more helpful than you'd think.”
Together we stood in the coffee line and when it was his turn, he held out his hand, allowing me to go first. “Ladies first.”
“Double espresso, please.”
“That’ll be 5.45.”
“One coffee, please. Black.”
“3.20.”
He stepped to the side and met my eye.
“I figured I'd sit and have a cup with you first. Don't want their coffees getting cold.” I smiled softly.
“I see.”
Together we sat by a window and looked outside at the beauty of spring.
“Was he family?” I asked, hoping he was one of those guys who healed by talking.
“By blood? No. But he was family just the same. We were all he had.”
“Tell me about him.”
“You sure? I don’t want to take up too much of your time.”
“Of course,” I said smiling.
“Tim Harrison. Longtime friend and retired vet. After ten years, he still wouldn't let himself slow down, leave his bed undone, or go by his first name." He said that with an amused smile. "But he knew how to ride, and that's all that matters where I'm from. He lived a good life. He was a good man. He worked hard and loved harder. His wife, Lila, is a real spitfire,” he said, smiling widely. “They met at a bar fight. A guy smacked Lila on the ass and she punched him in the face. It wasn't hard enough to knock the guy out, but it was hard enough to make him mad. So Harrison jumped in to save her, thinking she had a death wish. Afterwards, she chewed Harrison out for jumping in to help. He came home with swollen knuckles and hearts in his eyes. They got married a year later.”
“How long have they been married?”
“Two years.”
“That poor woman.”
“She won't be alone. She's got us. She's a Bandito for life; we’ll make sure she's taken care of.”
What is a Bandito? Maybe I could ask him about it later.
“Good,” I said, smiling and instinctively glancing at my watch.
“Am I holding you up?” He stood quickly. “I'm sure you have things to do. I can let you go.”
"Time flies when you're having fun. I'm sorry. My break is over.”
“I understand,” he said smiling down at me. “Thanks for keeping me company.”
“It was my pleasure.”
Evan
She walked a few steps before turning back around. “You were on the fourth floor and the elevator’s that way,” she said smiling and pointing. She was right to assume I hadn't been paying attention. “Don't forget. Okay?”
I nodded and hopped back into the cafeteria line to order coffee for everyone else.
When I returned, the crew was standing, waiting for me.
“We're taking Lila home. She ain't in the right mind to be making decisions. We’ll make them tomorrow,” Gus said, taking the coffee I offered.
“Thanks, E.”
Jerry had his arm wrapped around a pale-faced Lila. She smiled hollowly at the coffee cup and took a sip without registering its taste.
Together, our processional made it out the hospital and to our homes.
The next time I saw the nurse, she was walking around in the hallway, checking on patients. At least that's what I it seemed like she was doing. I could only see through the glass pane of the door. Behind me, Lila was preparing to say goodbye to her lover, husband, and friend. She agreed, after much drinking and crying, that she would take Harrison off life support and donate his organs. He wouldn't have wanted to be in a bed, stuck for who knows how long. He liked living. He knew how precious it was from his time overseas and he kne
w the importance of donating organs. She signed the papers and made the choice to let him go.
It was brutal to watch. We all stood around his bed like sentries on guard as she leaned over his body and kissed his lips. Everyone from the club that could fit into the room were there and Blake, Lila’s best friend.
“You once told me you'd be a bird if you couldn't be a motorcycle,” she said her voice thick with tears. “I hope you get to be a motorcycle,” she whispered. “I love you. I love you so much and I'll never let you go,” she said kissing his lips before nodding to the doctor.
She held his body tightly as the doctor undid the monitor wires, and we all watched as his chest rose and fell a few more times, each time slower than the last, and finally when it stopped. She cried as if the ferocity of it might have brought Harrison back; as if with the sheer force of her grief, the news would be undone.
It was too much and I slid into the hallway to break free. The last time I saw someone cry like that was my mother after my father died. I didn’t like how Lila's pain brought back the painful memories of my concealed pain when my father passed. I was over it and had moved on, but the topic was still something I didn’t touch. At least that’s what I told myself.
“Hey,” I called out to her as she came outside another patient’s room.
She glanced up as she tapped into the iPad. “Hey.” Her smile was warm. “You look like you got more bad news.” Her smile slid away and concern knitted her eyebrows together. I liked it better when she was smiling at me, but I was touched she could feel so much for me—someone she'd only just met.
“I'm not having the best day,” I admitted but I didn’t want to dwell on it. “You on break? I was hoping we could get coffee again.”
Her mouth formed a pout and I wanted to kiss it. “No. I'm not. I have,” she flipped her wrist to see the time, “an hour left.”
“Okay. No worries. I get it. I'm on your time.”
