Compassion kicked in; Julie couldn’t help it. No woman who’d borne a child could fail to feel for someone in Heather’s position. “I’m sure you did the right thing. Russell wishes he’d been able to help you.”
“That’s Russell for you.”
She knows him almost as well as I do. The realization was not a happy one. Russell was her husband. She didn’t want this woman claiming any part of him, not even his past.
Heather seemed to read the jealousy in her eyes. “I never meant to hurt Russell. Or you.”
And then, just as the woman had won Julie’s sympathy again, she left.
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
SATURDAY MORNING and afternoon, Julie laboriously concocted vegetarian sushi rolls using a recipe from the upcoming issue of her magazine, while Russell took Ben to the festivities on Main Street. On the festival agenda were free pancakes at the café, a sidewalk art display at the hardware store and a pumpkin-carving competition with Lucky as judge.
The sushi rolls were unbelievably finicky. Julie had purchased all the ingredients in Yorkton yesterday. She’d felt guilty for spurning Lucky’s but for sure he wouldn’t stock the sushi rice she needed, let alone the sheets of nori that formed the base of each roll.
The very idea of asking Lucky if he carried these items made her giggle.
“Nori?” Lucky would ask. “What the hell is that?”
“Dried sea vegetation, mostly.”
Imagining Lucky’s disgust, Julie laughed again, causing Watson to get up from his resting spot near the door and check to see if she’d dropped anything interesting. Finding the kitchen floor clean, the puppy returned to sleep, ignoring Skip, who’d decided she wanted to play and began batting his ear.
Julie didn’t finish the sushi rolls until almost four. By then Russell and Ben had returned. She made them a snack, then claimed the bathroom for the next hour. As she soaked in the tub, she pondered which outfit to select for the hundredth time that day.
No sense asking Russell about standard apparel for an event like this. He noticed the clothing people wore on their bodies even less than the food they put in their casseroles.
When she emerged from the steamy bathroom, Russell cheered. “She’s alive. Finally I get my five-minute turn.”
She shook her head, then checked on Ben, finding him parked in front of the television. Given his busy morning, she didn’t begrudge him a little down time. After tousling his curls, she went to her bedroom to survey her closet.
By the time Russell had finished with his shower, shaving and getting dressed, she still hadn’t made a decision.
“I’ll wait in the living room with Ben,” Russell said, obviously not interested in being drawn into a clothing consultation.
Finally Julie settled on a navy sheath with a matching blazer and pearls. A little on the boring side, she was afraid, but classic. As she slipped on matching shoes, she realized this was the first time she’d worn heels since they’d moved to Chatsworth.
“Okay, I’m ready. Where are my guys?”
Russell’s eyes widened when he saw her. Julie waited one beat too long for his usual compliment.
“I’m overdressed, aren’t I.”
“You look fabulous. How about it, Ben? Isn’t your mother the most beautiful woman in the world?”
Once Ben would have matched his father with an equally hyperbolic comment. Today, though, he merely smiled shyly. Overcome with tenderness, Julie bent to give him a hug. “And I’ve got the best, most handsome dates any girl could want. Are we going to walk, Russell?”
He eyed her heels. “It’s five blocks. I think we’d better drive.”
“Let me get my sushi rolls from the fridge, then I’ll be ready.”
All three of them getting into the car was another novel experience. Usually they walked everywhere—a decided benefit to living in this town. Driving the five blocks took only a minute. When they found the parking lot full, they ended up settling for a spot one block down the street.
“Wow,” Ben said. “I didn’t know there were this many people living in Chatsworth!”
“Many of these vehicles will belong to nearby farmers,” Russell pointed out. He held the tray of sushi rolls while Julie attempted a graceful exit from the passenger seat.
Julie had met a few people in the month and a half she and her family had been living in Chatsworth. Still, as they entered the hall, which had seemed so cavernous yesterday, she felt overwhelmed by the crush of unfamiliar faces, especially when Russell seemed to know most of them by name.
Immediately she realized that she had indeed overdressed for the occasion. Most women were in casual, flowing skirts and T-shirts. Some even wore jeans.
It didn’t take Ben long to spot one of his friends, and then he was off. After trailing in Russell’s wake for about thirty minutes, Julie was relieved to spot T.J. leaning against a wall close to the bar.
Leaving behind the glass of wine Russell had purchased for her without asking, she joined him.
“Having fun, T.J.?” She had to speak loudly to be heard over the five-piece band onstage, good-naturedly playing requests from young and old alike.
He grunted.
“May I ask why you bothered to come?” Seemed to her he’d be far happier at home in front of his TV set.
His gaze, bored yet holding a trace of amusement, flickered over her as he took another sip from his beer. “I brought my mother. See that lady in the yellow dress? She’s chatting with the other members of her bridge club. That exceptionally attractive woman on the right is Annie James. The other is Dorothy English.”
“Bernie’s mom?”
“Mother-in-law,” he corrected, then grinned. “Watch out, Julie. Soon you’re going to know everyone in this two-bit town of ours.”
“I may recognize a few names,” she conceded, “but I’ll never fit in.” She sighed as she ran a hand down the side of her well-pressed dress.
“You look great.”
“You’re just being polite. Today I stick out like an overly manicured thumbnail.”
“Speaking of overly manicured, there’s Adrienne.”
Julie had never seen the hairdresser with her husband before. She was surprised to find a clean-cut, quiet-looking fellow, who seemed quite happy to follow his vibrant, frizzy-haired wife from one group of people to another. The couple stopped to chat with Julie and T.J. for a few minutes, then moved on.
Julie tried to imagine what it would feel like to know almost all the people in this room and to have grown up and gone to school with the ones who were her age. She’d lost touch with her former classmates in London. Some of them she still thought of from time to time, wondering wistfully what they were up to now.
The comfort of having roots, of belonging, had drawn Russell back to this town, Julie knew. But for her, a stranger to these people and their ways, Chatsworth offered neither serenity nor a sense of belonging. Small towns weren’t for everyone. Consider T.J.
“I feel so out of place,” she admitted. “But what about you? You grew up here and still you don’t seem to really belong.”
“Julie, I don’t belong anywhere.” He sounded old and tired. As if he’d given up on life.
“You’re just missing the city,” she guessed again.
“No. I’m not.” He touched a hand to her elbow. “Why don’t we grab something to eat. The grub’s usually pretty good at these things.”
He’d finished his drink, so he returned his glass to the bar before leading her through the crowd to the buffet tables at the back. Already much of the food had been eaten. Julie saw many casserole dishes scraped clean.
“Damn. Mom’s meatballs are all gone.” T.J. surveyed the rest of the offerings. Julie watched as he selected coleslaw, a few pieces of cold cuts and a dinner roll. Only when his plate was full did he notice she held back.
“Aren’t you hungry, Julie?”
“Not especially.” And she wasn’t. Not anymore. She said a hurried goodbye to T.J., then sea
rched for her husband. She found him entertaining a group of his students. Kids always loved Russell.
“I’m sorry, Russell, but I’m not feeling well. Mind if I slip home?”
“I’ll drive you,” he offered immediately.
“The fresh air will be good for me. Besides, I haven’t been able to spot Ben in this crowd, and I really need to leave now. Why don’t you bring him with you later.”
He tucked her hair behind her ear as he bent to whisper, “I was hoping to get a dance.”
The band’s current tune was something country. Looking at the couples on the dance floor, Julie had no idea what they were doing. The two-step? A polka? She couldn’t tell the difference.
“Sorry.”
He brushed a hand over her cheek, his expression concerned. “You do seem a little flushed. We won’t be long. I’ll just check in with Mom and Dad, then track down Ben.”
Her body felt stiff and foreign as she walked away from her husband and toward the door. It was impossible not to feel that everyone in the room was watching her, whispering snide comments about her dress, her shoes, her hair, her everything.
Outside, she raced down the stairs and, despite her heels, walked briskly toward home, the darkness surrounding her offering the anonymity that she craved.
She knew she was silly to be so upset. If something like this happened to Russell, he’d just laugh, then forget about it. But she couldn’t.
She’d worked so hard over those damn sushi rolls. And not one had been eaten. Not one.
WHEN JULIE THREW UP on Sunday morning, Russell decided she was deathly ill. He persuaded her to remain in bed while he and Ben ate pancakes, then went canoeing on the lake.
Julie listened to first the sounds of commotion in the kitchen, then the echoing stillness of an empty house after they’d left. Too bored to stay in bed, she showered, and tried to eat toast. A few hours in her office accomplished little.
The Main Street renovations were progressing smoothly. With last night’s catastrophe fresh in her mind, though, she couldn’t help but fret. What if T.J., Lucky and Donna hated the way the changes turned out? She reviewed her plans and sketches, trying to reassure herself. But it didn’t help.
Sure, she thought everything looked great. But she’d already proved she had no idea what might appeal to the people who lived here.
Feeling cowardly, Julie used her so-called illness to beg off from Sunday dinner with Betty and Larry. She treated herself to reading in bed, instead, and actually fell asleep before Russell and Ben returned home.
The next morning, when she was sick again, Russell’s concern mounted. “Maybe I should call in sick and drive you to Emergency in Yorkton.”
Guilt gnawed on Julie’s conscience. She really ought to tell him about the pregnancy. But she couldn’t, because she knew what would happen. For her sake he’d pretend to be happy. So she’d have to pretend to be happy, too. Then there’d be one more lie between them, and their marriage—their precious but floundering marriage—would become that much weaker.
Until she figured out what to do, she’d have to be more careful about her morning sickness. In the meantime, she tried to convince Russell not to worry. “I’m sure I’ll be better by lunchtime.”
And she was, of course. She made pasta for the three of them, and felt her husband watch her take every bite. By five minutes to one, he’d been convinced of her recovery.
“Don’t work too hard this afternoon,” he said on his way out the door with Ben.
“I won’t.” But she did spend most of the day at her desk. Still anxious about the Main Street renovation project, she’d shunned the café that morning, and she did the same on Tuesday. Later in the afternoon, she had a call from Gina at the magazine.
“Julie, how are you doing?”
In the background, Julie could hear voices, commotion. She closed her eyes as she gave in to an overwhelming longing for her former life.
“Why, I’m just fine. And Ben is doing great. What’s up, Gina?”
“Big changes. That’s why I’m calling. Suzanne’s been offered a new job with Toronto Life.”
Julie’s back straightened, and she picked up a pencil. “What a terrific opportunity.”
“Are you talking about for Suzanne? Or for you?”
Before she’d left, Julie would have been the obvious successor at the magazine’s helm. But now there was no way.
Or was there?
“I just thought I should let you know. In case you’re getting tired of the small-town life.”
“Well, thanks, Gina. I appreciate the thought.”
“No problem. The whole staff is having a meeting with the publisher on Friday—you’ll probably see an e-mail later this morning. If you’re interested in applying for the position, if you’re even thinking about applying, it wouldn’t be a bad idea for you to be there.”
“Thanks for the heads-up. I’ll consider it.”
Julie hung up the phone with shaking hands. She knew she couldn’t consider applying for the job. It was out of the question. Russell and Ben were happy here. They’d never agree to move back to Vancouver.
Probably she couldn’t get a flight at such late notice, anyway….
Just to be sure, she checked the airline over the Internet. As it happened, several seats were available on a plane flying out of Regina early Thursday morning. She’d have to book back on Sunday to get the cheaper fare.
But what was she thinking? She couldn’t go to Vancouver. She couldn’t apply for this job.
No, of course she couldn’t apply for the position of managing editor. But other reasons for making this trip were valid. Checking in at the office wasn’t a bad idea, even if she wasn’t interested in the promotion. She could visit a few friends. Get her hair cut. Hopefully squeeze in a checkup with her doctor.
Now, there was the best reason of all. She’d have an official pregnancy test, then tell Russell she hadn’t wanted to share the news about the baby until she’d received confirmation.
Impulsively Julie purchased the plane ticket on a nonrefundable basis. Then she called Gina back and asked to be included in Friday’s meeting. She booked lunch with her co-workers on Thursday, then pleaded for a hair appointment at her favorite salon for Saturday morning. When she explained her situation to the receptionist at the doctor’s office, the woman agreed to schedule her in for Thursday afternoon.
Julie was thrilled at how easily everything was arranged. Now all that remained was to tell Russell and Ben.
“THIS IS KIND OF SUDDEN, isn’t it?” Russell set his fork down next to his half-eaten dinner.
“Gina phoned this morning. I wish she’d given me more notice about the meeting, but really the timing isn’t that bad. I need a haircut and I thought I might make a visit to my doctor.”
Russell met her gaze, then. Guilt picked at her, exposing her own twisted motivations to herself, if not to her husband. Russell had every reason to assume the appointment was for her to request new birth control pills. What would he say when he discovered the real purpose?
“It’ll be a short trip. I’ll be back in time for dinner at your mother’s on Sunday. And, as you pointed out before, the expenses will be tax deductible.”
“Well, you don’t need my permission in any case, do you?” Russell sounded unusually bitter.
“We’ll have fun, Dad,” Ben said. “Will you make your famous burgers?”
Julie tried not to take her son’s excitement personally, though she was quite certain that if Russell had been the one going on a business trip, Ben wouldn’t have been as thrilled at being left behind with her.
“How will you get to Regina to catch your flight? I won’t be able to drive you since I’ll be at school. Perhaps my mother—”
“I thought I’d take the car and park it at the airport. Unless you need it?” Since they did so little driving, they still hadn’t bothered to buy a second vehicle.
“I doubt if I will. And if I do need a car I can always bor
row one of Mom’s and Dad’s.”
Russell forced a smile as if he’d come to terms with the whole plan. But Julie noticed he didn’t eat the rest of his dinner.
WEDNESDAY MORNING JULIE was packing when her mother-in-law knocked on the door.
They both stood on either side of the threshold as Betty said, “I hear you’re going back to Vancouver.”
She made it sound as though Julie was leaving for good. Deserting her family.
“Yes, on a business trip.” Russell must have told her. Probably the entire town knew by now.
“Well.”
The offer to put on coffee stuck to the roof of Julie’s mouth. Not only did she have her own packing to do, but she needed to take Watson for a run, stock up on groceries and finish laundry.
“Aren’t you going to invite me in?”
Always teetering on the fine edge of her control when she was around her mother-in-law, Julie lost it then. “Why don’t we just skip it today, Betty.”
“Pardon me?”
“You obviously don’t enjoy my company. Nor do you seem to approve of anything I do. These little visits of yours are surely as unpleasant for you as they are for me. So why bother?”
Betty’s face flared red and she tightened her grip on her purse. “I bother because I love my son and my grandson. Russell worried you might be lonely. I’ve tried to do my part, but I see now that I have not been appreciated.”
Immediately Julie felt ashamed. “I’m sorry….”
“And so am I. You don’t fit in here. I warned Russell you wouldn’t. If only—”
“What, Betty?” Julie could tell her mother-in-law was barely restraining herself. Whatever she’d been about to say was something that had been eating at her for a long time. Julie knew there were so many things about herself that annoyed Betty. Right from their first meeting, it had seemed she could do no right.
From their first meeting… Of course, Betty had been predisposed to dislike her.
“If only Russell had married Heather, instead of me. That’s what you meant to say, isn’t it, Betty?” Naturally the hometown girl would have been Russell’s mother’s favorite, whether she’d known about the pregnancy or not.
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