by Nathan Rabin
1:53:17—Here come the Smokers, and the ugliness returns. In their first scene together, Deacon (who was so voracious in chewing scenery that he apparently devoured Earth’s entire landmass) calls Mariner “sperm of the devil” instead of “spawn of the devil.” Mistake? Tweaking of a cliché? Who the hell cares?
2:01:56—Mariner and Helen reach the stage in every relationship where the woman asks the man why he didn’t accept her earlier offer of sexual favors in exchange for passage on his vessel. This leads to a clammy, awkward kiss. I haven’t seen sexual chemistry this explosive since Justin Guarini wooed Kelly Clarkson in From Justin To Kelly with text messages like, “Kelly, I O U A BRGR. U GAME? JUSTIN.” Tripplehorn must be glad she wasn’t typecast as a fish-fucker after Waterworld. That nearly ruined Deanna Durbin and Troy McClure’s careers.
2:03:48—Mariner has grown less emotionally and physically abusive over the last 20 minutes. This, friends, is what screenwriters call a “redemptive arc.”
2:04:12—“I am what I am. I may not be human, but I don’t quit, never have,” Mariner boasts, proving that humans do not have a monopoly on being 2 legit 2 quit. Or ripping off Popeye.
2:05:46—Crazy Old Gregor returns in a homemade hot-air balloon not unlike the one Austin Pendleton and Jackie Gleason use to escape prison in Skidoo. It’s funny how flops tend to echo one another, as if they’re all one misbegotten organism with a collective consciousness.
2:05:49—Gregor tells Mariner that it’s “mighty human” of him to save Helen from certain death. As an action adventure, Waterworld is grim and endless, but as an elaborate allegory for racism and the challenges faced by the multiracial, it’s also fucking terrible.
2:13:41—The Smokers, having absconded with Enola, propose cutting the tattoo off her back, stretching it, and mounting it. Enola doesn’t seem pleased with this idea. Deacon talks to a picture of his hero, “Saint Joe,” disgraced Exxon Valdez captain Joseph Hazelwood. Hazelwood got a bad rap: Who hasn’t gotten drunk and crashed an oil tanker? It’s a rite of passage in many small towns.
2:20:00—Enola brags of Mariner, “He even kills little girls,” to which her Smoker tormentor replies, “Haven’t we all?”
2:20:59—Deacon waxes poetic, enthusing, “If there’s a river, we’ll dam it. If there’s a tree, we’ll ram it. Because I’m talking progress here! I’m talking development. We shall suck and savor the sweet flavor of Dry Land!” Unlike Joyce Kilmer, Hopper shall never see / a poem as shitty as a tree.
2:21:08—Now a Smoker is threatening to put out a lit cigarette in Enola’s eye after she sasses him once too often.
2:25:26—Deacon, upon Mariner showing up on his turf, the rusty remains of the Exxon Valdez: “Well, I’ll be damned. It’s the Gentleman Guppie. He’s like a toilet that won’t flush.” Great bad dialogue, or just bad? I spent many a happy hour at the Gentleman Guppie back in college. Good times.
2:25:53—Deacon calls Mariner a “total slime-o.” Really, that’s the best you can do?
2:26:43—Mariner says he’s come for Enola because “she’s my friend.” My response is the same as Deacon’s, a witheringly sarcastic, “Golly gee, a single tear rolls down my cheek!”
2:27:37—The Exxon Valdez blows up good.
2:28:00—It’s safe to assume the words “Gee, Dennis, you might want to rein it in a little” were never uttered on the Waterworld set.
2:28:05—When Enola tauntingly asks, “Was this your big vision?” as the Valdez burns, she could be addressing director Kevin Reynolds and Costner as easily as Hopper.
2:30:30—The hero is finally behaving heroically, racing around the oil tanker killing baddies and trying to save Enola. How deliciously out of character.
2:32:02—To give the sperm of the devil its due, the climax to Waterworld qualifies as moderately rousing.
2:32:50—More stuff blowing up good. It’s a recurring visual motif.
2:33:15—After the Exxon Valdez goes down, Deacon emerges from the wreckage to fire a single shot at Gregor’s hot-air balloon that causes Enola to tumble gracelessly out of the dirigible and into the water below. I am beginning to question the film’s commitment to verisimilitude.
2:34:08—Mariner bungee-jumps into the water to retrieve Enola, then soars back into the hot-air balloon just in time to escape the fiery aftermath of three Smoker Jet Skis colliding as, yet again, shit blows up good. Waterworld is again starting to strain credibility.
2:37:03—It’s taken 157 minutes, but they finally reach Dry Land! It’s not just a myth! I’ve now seen it with my own eyes!
2:38:29—Dry Land is even more of a green paradise than I could ever have imagined! Enola finds a music box, plays it, and dreamily announces, “I’m home,” thereby satisfying the film’s government-mandated quota of treacle.
2:40:25—Dry Land has horsies! Majestic, majestic horsies. But does it have kittens? And rainbows? And lollipops?
2:44:37—Alas, Mariner must return to the sea whence he came. It’s all very Shane; I half expect Enola to call out to him as he leaves, “Surly Pee-Drinking Man-Fish! Come back!”
2:47:31—Helen dusts off a plaque commemorating Edmund Hillary’s trek up Mount Everest. That’s your big reveal?
2:57:00—It’s over! It’s finally over! The long national nightmare of me watching/writing up the nearly three-hour-long director’s cut of Waterworld is over! I feel liberated. And exhausted. And hungry. And relieved that soon I will never have to watch, think, or write about Waterworld ever again.
Acknowledgments
I would like to thank my agent, Daniel Greenberg, and editor, Brant Rumble, for making this book happen, and my colleagues and friends Keith Phipps, Scott Tobias, and Tasha Robinson for their invaluable input, editing, and all-around awesomeness. Danny Hellman, thank you for your amazing illustrations. I have been blessed with an amazing team over at Scribner, including Anna deVries, Christina Mamangakis, Kate Bittman, and Amber Husbands, and the greatest group of co-workers anyone could ever want here at The A.V. Club: Stephen Thompson, who took a chance on me as a green college kid; Donna Bowman; Josh Modell; Kyle Ryan; Amelie Gillette; Noel Murray; Sam Adams; Sean O’Neal; Steve Hyden; Steve Heisler; Genevieve Koski; Claire Zulkey; Emily Withrow; Jesse Woghan; Leonard Pierce; Andy Battaglia; and Todd VanDerwerff. I’d also like to thank all The Onion comedy writers past and present, especially the folks I knew back from my Madison days: Rob Siegel, Todd Hanson, Carol Kolb, Chris Karwowski, Maria Schneider, Joe Garden, Mike Loew, Jim Anchower, Jean Teasdale, and Ben Karlin. Also, Steve Hannah and all the bookstores who were kind enough to host me during my Big Rewind tour.
Other people who have improved my life immeasurably through their presence: my beloved Danya and the Maloons, Mary Lou Coyle, Lori Rush, Dr. Eisenberg, Dr. Bloom, Aaron Perna, Steve Delahoyde, Michelle Welch, Monika Verma, Chuck Klosterman, Jennifer Cohn, everyone I interviewed here, Josh Kendall, Squirt, Maggie May, Sweetie Pie, Bandit, Paul DeGrassi, Matthew Lurie, Amy Allen Schleicher, my dad, Anna, Shari Lisa, Louis, Judy, Benjamin, Seth, Ephrem, Mary and Beth Rabin, everyone who purchased The Big Rewind, the Sackses, the Gerbers, Stephanie Kuenn, Allison Tobias, Isabelle Tobias, Bob, Mark Bazer, Joseph Gibson, ZODIAC MOTHERFUCKER, Roger Ebert, Mike Sacks, Cameron Crowe, everyone at Movie Club with John Ridley and Switch, Edgar Wright and Patton Oswalt for supporting the column and generally being great.
Thank you, world, for allowing me to do what I love for a living. I will forever be grateful.
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