by Marci Fawn
“I want to know what happened. Why did you leave me? Where did you go?” Her face remains stoic, which leaves me with just more questions.
“I thought that we were happy.”
She glances down at her child once more, who is now pulling on her arm, trying to get away from me.
“I’m bored mommy, can we do something?” She whines, and I can’t help but smile to myself.
Of course she’s bored standing here while adult talk – I remember that feeling very well from my own childhood. Hours and hours spent at awful meetings and dinners, ugh - it was absolutely dreadful. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone!
“Can we discuss this later on?” Faith pleads with me.
“Now really isn’t the time or place. We could go for a drink tomorrow or something? It’s not that I don’t want to talk to you, I just feel a bit… awkward doing it here.”
“Muuummmmmyyyy!!” The girl yells loudly, to which Faith leans down to her and tells her to go and look at another exhibit over in the corner of the room.
While they talk, I really drink in this young girl’s appearance, which is when I notice some things that I hadn't spotted before. A nose that looks likes mine, a smile that brings up dimples just like mine, eyes that are colored like her mothers, but shaped just like mine…
Is she mine? Could she be my child?
Of course it’s possible, but I don’t want to jump to any conclusions just yet. I need to ask first before I drive myself mental.
As the girl runs off, I stare deeply into Faith’s eyes, trying to see the truth there, but she isn’t giving anything away, so I’m forced to ask because I just need to know.
“Is your daughter mine?”
Faith doesn’t reply, she simply looks away guiltily and nods, which sends my heart spinning wildly.
“What’s her name? Why didn’t you tell me?” I throw my hand over my head, not even knowing where my brain is.
“What else have you kept from me?” I’m not angry, but I think that I’m coming across that way. I’m just scared, confused, and very sad.
I have just found out that I have a child, and I’ve missed out on the first few years of her life. I don’t even know what to do with that information! How am I supposed to behave?
“I’m sorry,” she begs, finally looking back up at me.
“Trust me, I have my reasons for doing what I did, you have to believe me. I know it looks bad, but if you would just listen to me…”
“But you aren’t going to tell me anything now are you? I have to wait until tomorrow.”
I’m frustrated that this mystery has just taken another turn, and that I cannot unravel it until she’s ready. It’s infuriating.
“I’m sorry, I can’t do it now, not with Lily here. It isn’t fair on her.”
Lily.
“Lily, like the flowers?” As she nods this time, I can’t help but smile.
At least this proves that she’s been thinking of me the entire time too. It means that although I haven’t been in Lily’s life, I have had a link to her.
“Does she know?”
“No, she’s only six – not old enough to really question too much yet, but I will tell her when she does ask.”
She says this so matter-of-factly that it proves that it’s something that she’s been planning all along. At least she’s always wanted to be honest… although obviously not with me. She hasn’t communicated any of this with me, and she hasn’t allowed me to contact her either.
“Right,” I drawl.
“Is there… can I meet her while I’m here?”
“I think that we need to sort things out between us first,” she replies diplomatically.
“We obviously have a lot that we need to go through and discuss.”
I hate seeing her looking so uncomfortable, but I don’t know what I can do about that. It might feel like things are the same between us, but there is no denying that the closeness is gone. The chemistry is still there, but the familiarity is not.
“Okay,” I agree, knowing that as annoying it is, she’s probably right.
“Well, can I take your number?” I ask nervously, and as she takes my handset from me and types in her digits, my heart races painfully against my chest.
This is it, a connection finally. Sure, I haven’t really been trying actively to get over Faith in the way that I probably should have been, but even if I had it would all be falling apart in this moment. The way that she looks, the way that she makes me feel, it overrides everything else.
Damn it, why do I have to love her so much?
“I’ll see you soon?” She promises, and I’m too dumbfounded to say anything so I just smile and nod.
“I’ll see you soon.” I say sadly, hating to watch her back away from me once more.
She takes her daughter… our daughter’s hand, and she moves along the museum, discussing the exhibits with her. I smile sadly to myself, wondering what had caused this amazing, gorgeous woman to run away from me.
How did I manage to lose the love of my life and the daughter that I didn’t even know I had?
I always hoped that being in America would lead me to Faith, but I had no idea what I would find at the other end of it…
9
Faith
‘Do you still want to meet? Edward x’
I stare at that text message for a very long time, wondering what the implications of it will be.
If I go and meet Edward, I will open whole can of worms. But if I don’t, I’ll never see him again. I know that for a fact – I’ve already messed him around so much, I feel like I owe him that much.
‘Yes,’ I text back after only a few moments of deliberation. ‘Meet me at the café in town – Sara’s Cakes – at 12pm.’
I have a lot to tell him, and I’m petrified about what his reaction is going to be. I couldn’t even begin to tell him anything in front of Lily, but now I can organize my neighbor to babysit for me.
I owe Lily that much too – she deserves to know the truth about her dad one day.
‘I will see you then x’
I feel like I can’t decipher his feelings about seeing me again, which is terrifying. I couldn’t even tell when I saw him across that museum – he was completely unreadable.
His face was probably about as shocked as mine, and it never left that. It was like he was seeing a ghost, and I have no idea how he’s going to be today.
First, before I can even think about going to him, I need to pick the perfect outfit. Even after all this time, even after everything that has happened between us, I want him to like me. I might have never been good enough for him, but I want him to think well of me all the same.
In truth, I’ve never gotten over him.
Sure, I’ve tried my best, I’ve been asked out on other dates and I even went on one, but no one will ever compare to Edward. I know that I can never be with him again, there’s no way that I’ll ever be the right girl for him, and there is certainly no way that he’ll ever forgive me anyway.
I might have messed things up for me, but maybe I can make things right for Lily. In recent years, my life has only been about her anyway, so it makes sense that I should do this for her too.
I tug through my wardrobe, feeling despondent at all I have to wear.
Since having Lily, my figure has never quite gone back to what it was – which is fine, and she’s totally worth it, but I don’t have the same confidence that I once did.
Maybe that’s a good thing; maybe it isn’t a good plan to remind Edward of what we once were. Maybe that will only lead to more heartbreak.
In the end, I pick a very sensible navy dress that covers me up in the best possible ways. It hugs my curves nicely without looking too revealing.
As I tie my hair up in a complex style, I realize that for the very first time ever, I actually kind of look like a princess.
It’s a weird revelation, one that I find very disconcerting.
Knock, knock.
I swing the door to
my apartment over to find Kelly standing there.
She has become a good friend of mine ever since I moved into this place, and she’s been really helpful with Lily. She adores her, and they have a whole lot of fun together.
“Hey!” She squeals excitedly.
She is a little younger than me, which shows in her attitude, but I love her all the same. She always brings me up whenever I’m feeling down, and I honestly wouldn’t know what I would do without her.
“Thank you so much Kells,” I smile at her, anxiously hopping from foot to foot.
“I really appreciate you doing this for me.”
“No problem, me and Lily baby are going to watch a film,” she leans down and makes eye contact with my daughter who bursts into a big, beaming smile.
“What do you want to watch sweetie? Why don’t you go and pick a DVD?”
“Okay,” Lily jumps up excitedly and rushes to her room, giving Kelly and me a moment alone.
“So what’s going on?” She asks with concern in her face.
“Why the sudden rush around?”
“It’s Lily’s dad,” I whisper to her, not needing my daughter to hear this part.
“He’s back in town, and we need to talk about her, to make some plans.”
“Oh my God,” she squeals.
“Really? I didn’t think… I suppose I never… I don’t know.”
Of course she’s reacting like this – I’ve never once mentioned Lily’s father in all the time we’ve known each other.
“Yeah, I suppose it’s all a bit… much,” I admit.
“But we have a lot to talk about.”
“I bet,” she stops quickly as she sees Lily come back into the room.
“You’ll have to tell me all about it when you get home.”
“I will,” I promise, wondering how much I’ll actually be able to open to her about this.
Then I scoot out of the door, feeling my heart race painfully against my chest as the nerves start to consume me.
This is crazy, I tell myself. This is insane.
I can’t help but wonder what will have changed in all the years we’ve been apart. Just seeing Edward yesterday I can see that he hasn’t altered too much in looks, except that he’s more distinguished now – even more handsome than before.
I don’t know if he has a girlfriend, or even a wife. I can assume that the royals did something to end our marriage contract, so really anything could have happened.
As I walk, my mind reels with all kinds of possibilities, trying to prepare myself for the worst. I hope that if I do find out that he has someone special in his life, that I can handle it with dignity.
I don’t want to be a hot mess when I do get that information, but I know for a fact that it’ll be hard to hear.
I suck in some deep calming breaths, trying to steady myself as I can see the café. He could be in there already, and I need to prepare for that.
But as I push the door open with a shaking hand, I quickly see that there is only an elderly couple in there, enjoying a cake and a smile together. I grin to myself, admiring their happiness for a few moments, before I settle in the nearest seat.
“Can I help you?” The beautiful, teenage waitress asks me, popping gum as she speaks.
“Err, yes. A coffee please,” I ask.
“Thank you.”
“Anything to eat?”
Even the thought of food right now makes me feel sick, so I shake my head quickly, sending her away. I can’t even think about eating, I just need to get through this without losing my freaking mind.
The door squeaks open, but despite my initial shock, it isn’t him. Just a lonely old man coming in for a drink. As the time ticks by, I start to wonder if he’s even coming. The insecurity sets in and I begin thinking that maybe he’s standing me up as some sort of revenge. I couldn’t blame him, but it doesn’t seem like the sort of thing I would do…
Then he arrives, and he literally takes my breath away. I stare up at him, blown away by the fact that he’s actually here, near me, looking and smiling at me. It’s unbelievable.
“H… hi…” I stammer, cursing myself for sounding like such an idiot.
Why can’t I be a bit smoother, a bit cooler? Ugh, it’s horrible.
“Hello Faith,” he grins, looking much calmer than I feel.
“How are you today?”
As he sits next to me, my entire body trembles with fear. This is the most terrifying day of my entire life, and I’m more than afraid to reveal the truth to Edward. I almost don’t want to do it, I almost want to just brush past it and continue as normal, but I know that isn’t possible.
“I’m okay,” I lie, giving him a fake grin.
“And you?”
“I’m good,” he replies, indicating for the waitress to come over.
As he makes his order, I have to watch her flirt with him, which tears me apart inside.
I hate seeing it, even though he isn’t responding in any way, and I realize that I wouldn’t be good if I heard he was with someone. In fact, it might just kill me.
I glance at his left hand quickly, and am over the moon to see that there’s no wedding ring on there.
That has to mean something, right?
“Are you enjoying your time in America?” I ask, wanting to try and discover his real motivation for being here.
It seems a little strange that in all the places in the world, in this country even, he would be here in the town I grew up in. He knows I’m here, I told him all about it, which makes me think that he’s could be here for me…
But why?
“Yes,” he shifts uncomfortably in his seat, which spikes my curiosity.
Why would he be acting so strange about this unless there’s something to hide.
“I am. It’s nice to have some time off from my royal duties. It’s certainly been a while.”
He gives me a meaningful look, which tells me that it’s time to talk, to really explain myself, but my fear is lodged in my throat, making it too difficult to say anything.
I stare at him for a few moments, trying to work up the courage to speak, before the words suddenly come spilling from my mouth, and I end up ranting on like a crazy person.
“When you left that night, to go to the shop, I just… I freaked out. I knew that we weren’t right for one another because of your title, and I didn’t want you to have to give up everything for me…”
“But I…” he starts, but I can’t seem to stop talking.
“We rushed into the wedding without really knowing each other, and I couldn’t bare you hating me.”
I look at him, but his face is giving away nothing.
“I know it was the worst thing that I could do, but I just grabbed my bags and ran. I fully intended to contact you later on and to tell you everything, but I could never work up the courage.” I feel awful for saying all of this, but it needs to be put out there.
He needs to understand my state of mind.
“Even when you found out that you were carrying my baby?” He sounds mad now, which is understandable, but I hate hearing it in his voice all the same.
“Even then,” I admit sadly.
He hangs his head in his hands for a few moments, just letting everything wash over him. I sit still and silent with my heart pounding, just wondering what will come next.
He could yell and shout or he could just walk out on me – both attitudes I would have to accept, however difficult they are for me.
“Okay,” he finally says, looking at me.
I can see that there are tears in his eyes, which fills me with guilt. I play with my fingers and look down at my shoes, wanting a hole to open up and swallow me whole.
This is the worst thing that I’ve ever had to do and I’m hating every single second of it.
“I don’t like it, any of it, and I don’t think that I’ll ever understand why you did what you did when things seemed so perfect to me,” I feel sick at his words, knowing that he’s
probably right.
“But we can’t change the past now, we can only work towards a future that works for both of us.”
I nod, gulping down the emotions that threaten to burst out of my face.
“Okay, that sounds good,” I reply carefully, trying to be really considered with my next words.
“I don’t know how long you’re in the country for, but would you… maybe like to spend some time with Lily while you’re here?”
I decide to focus on their relationship, rather than ours because that one is much more important.
“That sounds wonderful,” he gasps excitedly.
“Thank you so much.”
“We’ll have to approach it carefully,” I warn him.
“We can’t go in heavy handed, revealing everything all at once because I really don’t want her feelings hurt.”
I know that it’s ironic for me to say that when I’m the one who has been doing all of the hurting, but this isn’t about me, and I hope he understands that.
“That sounds fair,” he shoots back right away.
“I appreciate that. I don’t want to do anything to hurt or confuse her either.”
“So… shall I give you a ring later in the week when I know her schedule better?”
I’m not quite ready to make a solid plan yet, so this seems like the best way to do that.
“Thank you,” he nods, standing up to leave.
I can’t help my heart from falling as he moves away from me, cutting our conversation short, but of course I understand. He has a lot to process, and I need to respect that. It’s only fair for me to feel some of the pain that I’ve put on him.
“Okay,” I smile sadly, standing up too.
“Well I guess I’ll see you later then?” I don’t want him to leave, but there really isn’t anything for him to stay for.
As I watch him walk out of the door, I follow morosely behind. I’m actually leaving feeling worse than I did when I came in here, but at least there is one positive in the future. At least I’m going to get to see him again, to be able to make things right.
At least I can go and talk to Kelly about it all now. She will be able to give me some outsider perspective to help me get through this. I decide to tell her everything, because what I really need at the moment is some brutal honesty about absolutely everything…
