by Marci Fawn
By the time we are waiting outside the gate of the zoo, I can no longer hide my nerves. I’m pacing, gripping onto my stomach, and asking Lily if she’s okay every five seconds.
“Yes mummy, why do you keep asking that?” She replies, frustrated.
“Sorry, sorry,” I fuss over her once more, smoothing down her hair once more.
“I don’t know why I keep doing that.”
This time, as I stand up straight, I can see him. My heart pounds faster, my mouth runs dry, and butterflies flap violently in my stomach.
He’s so damn handsome, it’s actually unfair. How can I stand to look at him, when he has that amazing smile and that gorgeous body? How can I be near him knowing that he could have been mine if I hadn't been such a coward? Now he may never want to be with me again.
“Hello Faith, Lily,” he nods at us both in turn and I try to smile back, but it doesn’t seem to spread easily across my face.
“Can we go in now?” Lily rolls her eyes exasperatedly, and then to make things move even quicker in the direction that she wants, she grabs hold of Edward’s hand and pulls him towards the entrance.
“Oh I’m sorry…” I start, but he waves his hands dismissively.
“No, no, this is… it’s nice.”
Once we pay, and we’re inside, Lily tears about the place like a lunatic. I try to keep up with her, but to be honest it isn’t me that she wants.
It’s Edward.
She’s enjoying telling him all kinds of things about the animals, and she’s really listening when he teaches her things too. She’s been through all of this a hundred times with me, so she’s enjoying having a new captive audience for her.
Watching them interact in such a wonderful way I feel bad that they haven’t been in each other’s lives since the very beginning. Things should never have gone the way that they did, and I can’t help but feel bad about it.
I think over everything that’s happened while they flit around from animal to animal, and I can’t help but wonder if this is the right time to tell Edward the truth about everything.
Will he look at me differently if he knows that I was forced away rather than running? Or will he just think less of me for being so weak? I know I certainly lean more towards the latter.
It’s that fear which has kept me from saying anything so far, and what causes my brain to come up with a number of good excuses not to do so again.
You don’t want to ruin such a lovely day.
Now is about the present, not the past.
Do it next time you’re alone together.
And I find myself putting it all to one side for now. This day really should be about Lily and Edward, not us. That can come much later.
Of course he will have to return home to England eventually, but for now it feels like we have all the time in the world to go through all of that.
“Would you like to go for lunch?” Edward eventually returns to my side, displaying the biggest smile ever on his face.
“Lily said that she’s hungry, and I’m pretty sure that there’s a café or something around here somewhere.”
“That sounds lovely,” I stand up, trying to disguise the way that he’s making me melt inside.
It’s really hard to pretend that I’m feeling nothing, but I know that’s what I need to do if I don’t want all of this to fall apart at the seams.
Once we are all sitting around a table, smiling and laughing happily, Lily asks a question that has the potential to turn things very awkward.
“What do you do as a job?” She looks at Edward inquisitively, and my blood runs cold.
This feels a little too close to truth for my liking, but luckily Edward takes it like a pro.
“Believe it or not, I’m a prince.” He grins at her.
“No you aren’t,” she shakes her head, laughing.
“Real prince’s live in castles and have crowns. Plus, they marry princesses and sit on thrones. You can’t be a prince, you aren’t even dressed smart!”
“Lily!” I hiss, feeling really embarrassed, but Edward simply laughs.
“Here, let me show you.”
He pulls out his phone and scrolls through pictures of his real life back at home, the one that I’ve never had anything to do with. It’s so weird to think that even when we had the most amazing, intense relationship of our lives, we never actually just lived everyday life. We were never just… normal together. It makes me sad, and it almost makes it feel like nothing we ever really shared was real.
But Lily doesn’t share my disappointment, she’s ecstatic and she grows happier with each and every picture that Edward shows her.
“I can’t believe that you’re a real prince!” She exclaims, with stars in her eyes.
“That’s so cool. Will you take me to your castle one day? I’d love to pretend to be a princess.”
“Of course,” he promises, shooting me a smile that’s filled with emotion.
“I would like that too.”
“I’m just going to the bathroom,” I jump up quickly, scraping the chair underneath me.
Then I race to the toilets where I can allow the emotion to flow from me freely. I sit on the closed toilet seat, simply allowing the tears to flow for a second. This is almost too much for me, too intense, and I don’t even know how I’m supposed to be feeling about all of this, never mind what to do about it.
‘This is making me sad!’
I text to Kelly, glad that I can have at least one person to talk to about all of this. I’m not sure exactly how much she believes of my story – it is a little insane after all – but she’s been incredibly supportive all the same.
She’s been a great ear for me to talk to, and she offers me advice when she can. She’s lucky really, her life is very straightforward. She has a boyfriend that she met at her job, and they can just be together without anyone caring enough to disapprove.
Why can’t me and Edward have that?
Why is it always so difficult?
‘I know it’s hard sweetie, but think of Lily’
“Of course,” I mutter to myself.
I’m getting wrapped up in my own pain all over again when I really should be looking out for my daughter. I should be happy that she’s having the best day ever, and I should be concentrating on how well she’s getting on with Edward.
If she hated him, this would have been very difficult. Eventually, the way that things are going, I’ll be able to tell her the truth soon enough.
Okay, I think to myself. Get back up, get out there, and get through the rest of this day. You can break down later.
I suck in a few deep breaths, steeling myself, and then I brave stepping back outside and into the unknown.
14
Edward
It isn’t until I’m dropping Lily and Faith off back at their home that I start to feel that desperate need to never leave them again.
I feel like I haven’t had nearly enough time with them, and I know that I need to return home once more very soon to sort out all of this engagement mess. I need to put a stop to it before it goes too far, and while I’m hiding out in America, all sorts could be going on behind my back.
I suddenly can’t cope with that, I can barely even breathe with the crushing knowledge that we’ll be on opposite sides of the world once more, unsure of when we’ll see each other again.
No, I can’t have it. I won’t stand it. Not again.
“Will you come to the UK with me?” I suddenly hear myself asking, completely irrationally and out of the blue.
“Just for… a little while.” I trail off, suddenly realizing how rash and idiotic I sound.
Faith shoots me an understandable shocked look, as if I’ve suddenly grown extra limbs or something, but Lily grows increasingly excited with each passing second.
“In England? Where you castle is? Can we see it? Will I get to see your crown?” She can barely contain herself, which fills me with even more anxiety.
If Faith turns me
down, which there’s a very big chance that she will, then Lily will be crushed and she might not ever want to see me again.
I might have just made the biggest cock up ever.
“I… I…” Faith’s eyes flicker everywhere as the panic starts to eat her up.
I feel really guilty, and I pointlessly wish that I could take the words back to save this mess. I’ve just messed up one of the happiest days of my entire life, and there’s nothing I can do to take that back.
“I don’t know what to say, this is all a bit much.”
“Can we go mummy? Can we? Can we?” Lily persists, refusing to be deterred by her mother’s obvious caution.
“Do you have to go back already?” She asks over her daughter’s head.
“Does it have to be so… sudden?”
“I’m sorry,” I reply bashfully.
“I wouldn’t if I didn’t absolutely have to. I just have so much waiting for me back home. Some urgent business that needs attending to.”
I know that I should just tell Faith that mum wants me to marry Kristine, and that I cannot do anything to put a stop to it while I’m here in America, but I don’t.
I remain silent and hopefully, deciding to tackle that issue at a later date. We might not have spent the last few years together, but I know Faith well enough to be certain that if she knows I’m betrothed, she won’t come no matter what.
And I really need her to come with me.
I feel awful about lying – or at least, not telling the truth – but it’s for a good cause.
“I want to go mum, I want to see the castle,” Lily starts pulling on Faith’s clothes, growing redder in the face as she does.
She’s desperate for this, and I should have guessed that would have happened. I should have waited until Faith was alone before bringing any of this up.
“Plus I have the school holidays coming up…”
“I’m sorry,” she shakes her head, tearing my heart in two.
“I can’t go, I can’t see your mother. She hates me, and I can’t allow that to affect…” she indicates towards Lily, and I see her point, but if that is her only worry, then I can put that to bed immediately.
“Mum isn’t there. She’s in Norway for the next week, which gives us plenty of time together. After that… well, we can worry about that afterwards.”
Her breaths start coming out heavy and labored, which fills me with hope. It has to mean that she’s really thinking about it, surely?
I watch as she looks down at Lily’s hopeful face, before hanging her head in disbelief.
“Okay,” she finally says quietly – probably more for Lily than herself, but it’s a positive start.
“Okay fine, we’ll come.”
“Yay!” Lily squeals, more excited than ever before. “I can’t wait!”
As the plane finally hits home soil, I breathe a sigh of relief. Lily is a brilliant child, and so well-behaved, but I can’t help feeling glad that we travelled by private plane.
Nearly twelve hours in a small, confined space is difficult for anyone to deal with, but for a child who needs to be constantly doing things, it’s something else.
She kept alternating between overly excited and bored, tired and grouchy to hyper – she was like a roller coaster, and I’m glad to finally be back on my home turf, where she has all the space she could possibly want to run around in.
“Wow!” She says happily as she sees my home.
Of course, I know that my family’s castle is grand, but to me it’s just home, so seeing it through someone else’s eyes is really eye opening.
“This is amazing!”
“Come on,” I laugh at her.
“Let me show you around.”
I feel excited at the prospect of showing Lily my life, and it’ll actually be the first time that Faith gets to see some of the real me too, a notion that’s weird considering all that we went through.
As we reach the entrance, I immediately see Billy – one of the grounds supervisors – standing in waiting.
“Hello Master Billy,” I address him in a mock serious fashion, and as his eyes flicker to Lily, he steps forward to take a bow without even missing a beat.
He gets the game instantly, for which I’m extremely grateful – it makes the whole experience much more authentic for Lily.
“Hello Prince Edward,” he shoots me a knowing smile.
“And who is this beautiful young lady?” He takes Lily’s hand and kisses it lightly, which causes her to giggle loudly.
“This is Princess Lily,” I tell him, smiling down at her.
“I would like you to make all the staff aware that she is here for the day.”
“Princess?” She whispers to me, looking a little surprised.
“Don’t you want to be a princess?” I ask her, knowing that she’s going to love it.
If only she knew that it was the truth! Of course, I can only hope that she will one day. I have to respect Faith’s wishes on that one, it might not have been my choice not to be involved in my daughter’s life for all of those years, but there’s no denying that she was there, and that she knows what’s best for Lily. Her emotions are much more important than mine.
“Of course!” She exclaims. “I’m just so… happy.”
I take her through the castle, showing her each and every room in turn, with Faith walking behind us silently, juts allowing us this moment together.
I can tell that she’s anxious too, but she really doesn’t need to be this time. Mother isn’t here, she isn’t going to get any trouble from anyone for being who she is. But of course I can only tell her that so many times. Eventually she will find out for herself.
As we explore each room, I tell Lily different stories. Some of them are made up and magical, which captures her imagination perfectly, but some of them are based in the truth of my own childhood. It’s nice to be able to give my daughter this small insight into my life, without revealing that’s exactly what I’m doing.
We even end up having afternoon tea because she tells me that she read about it in one of her books, and that it’s what princesses do.
As the staff scurry around her, calling her ‘Princess Lily’ I can see each and every one of them falling in love with her, just as I have done. I can also spot the recognition in their eyes as they look at her closely and see the elements of me within her.
This causes them to look at Faith in more detail, probably realizing that she is the one I married all those years ago, the one that left my heartbroken. I imagine that there is a whole lot of gossiping going on behind the scenes, but to our faces they are nothing but professional.
To be honest, I don’t care what they are saying behind our backs, as long as they make Faith and Lily comfortable, which they are.
I hope that deep down they can see how right we are for one another. I hope that they’re supportive of us, because that will make it so much easier if we do eventually find our ways back to one another.
After a while, Lily starts to rub her eyes in an angry manner, which can only mean one thing – she’s tired. After the long day of travelling and playing about that she’s had, I’m hardly surprised. I’m feeling a little jet lag induced myself, so she must be shattered.
“Are you tired?” Faith asks her kindly.
“Would you like to go to bed?”
“Noooo,” she whines as a reply.
“I don’t want to sleep yet. I want to keep playing. I want to see the rest of the castle, and to play outside. Sleep is boring…”
“Not when you have the best bed in the entire world!” An idea sparks into my mind, which I can’t wait to share with Lily.
One of my cousins used to come and stay a lot when she was young, and she was a little like Lily, so she had the pinkest, prettiest room designed for her. Her bed was even made up like a castle, with a slide to get off it, and because the castle is so big, and it’s a room that’s never been used since, it still looks the same. I know that once Lily lays her
eyes upon it, she won’t want to leave it.
“What do you mean?” She asks, looking more curious than I’m sure she wants to.
“Come with me,” I tell her standing up.
“I’ll show you. Plus don’t forget that we have all of tomorrow and the next day. You won’t be missing out on anything by sleeping because you still have so much time to see everything.”
I wish that I could tell her she could stay forever, but that’s a promise that I definitely cannot make.
“Oh wow!” She spins around the pick bedroom like whirlwind, grabbing everything in turn and looking at it.
There are all kinds of books, toys, games, and stuffed animals for Lily to play with in here, plus there is a wardrobe stuffed with dresses and dress up things. It’s like a heaven for her.
“Can I play with all of this in the morning?”
“Of course you can!” I tell her, smiling brightly.
I glance over to Faith who is standing behind me, grinning too. She still doesn’t look like she’s fully comfortable with being here, but she’s certainly happier than she was before, which is good. She’s finally coming around.
“Now let’s get you into some pajamas and into bed.”
As soon as Lily has changed, she grabs the nearest book and she hands it to me.
“Can you read me this bed time story?” She asks with a real joy in her voice.
“I can’t sleep without a story.”
“Well… I better ask your mum…” I suddenly feel bad that I’m encroaching too much on their time together, but as I glance over to Faith, she indicates that I should go right ahead, which I’m more than happy to do.
I’m perfectly aware that things could have gone very differently with Lily, and that she could have hated me, so I’m grateful that she’s taken to me so well. It makes it even more exciting that one day soon, I’m going to be able to tell her that I’m her dad, and that I can be in her life as much as she wants.
Of course, I wish that Faith could be a part of the picture too, but I cannot guarantee that. If she wants to remain in America, it’s going to make things a little more difficult, but I’ll do what I can.
