by Marci Fawn
“So combine them both,” Nate states, as if it’s simple. “Give Kim what she wants. Wear the clothes she gives you, and move a little more seductively up onstage…but stick to being you, too. Just because you’re twenty-one years old now doesn’t mean you have to become sluttier. Think of it as being more grown up. More mature. Appealing to an older audience. Remember, as you’re growing up, your fans are too. They want a more grown-up Jemima Rockwell.”
“Okay.” I think it through and nod to myself. “Grown up. Mature. I can do that.” I try to sound far more confident than I feel. I don’t want Nate to know how badly I’m losing it inside.
“Now, while we have a few more moments…” There’s a new tone to Nate’s voice, one that’s distracting me. I could really use the distraction, so I allow his lips to meet mine, and I let myself enjoy his body and his touch all over again. It’s only teasing—there’s definitely not enough time to go all the way before my meeting—but it’s a lot of fun just the same…
“So,” Kim barks at me, making me feel about two feet tall. “This is the night for you to prove yourself. You need to be fun. You need to be sexy. You need to show that there’s a brand new Jem up onstage. The world needs to understand that you’ve grown, okay?”
“Okay,” I reply nervously, feeling lees and less confident about Nate’s suggestion with each second that ticks past. “I will.” I’m just not sure that I’ll be able to give everyone what they want and keep myself happy too.
“Here is your set list.” She hands me a piece of paper and I act like I’m reading through it, but my mind is a million miles away. I’m mentally freaking the hell out, but I cannot let Kim see that. Any sign of weakness and she’ll be down my throat like a shot. If there’s one thing she hates, it’s any negativity towards her plans. “And your costume will be delivered to your room an hour or so before the set. The makeup artists and hair stylists will be there before then. Now, do you have any questions?”
A million flood through my mind—Do I have to do this? Can’t I just be me? What if I have a panic attack up onstage?—but I don’t think any of them will be appreciated, so I simply shake my head nonchalantly instead.
“Okay, well, go and rehearse or relax or something today. I need you at the top of your game tonight.” I stand back from the table, having touched none of my food, and return to my room to find Nate and Lola there, ready to help me get through the rest of the day.
“I can’t do it,” I pant at them as soon as I’m through the door, gripping onto Nate like I’m lost at sea and he’s the only anchor around. “I just can’t.”
“You can and you will,” Nate states firmly. “This is why we’re here. We’re going to get you through this.”
“Now,” Lola says, smiling up at me. “Let’s get some rehearsing done. We can come up with some new moves, too. My dance training is pretty recent, and they covered all genres, so there’s a lot I can show you.”
I’m grateful to have them with me, especially as they help me to coordinate everything in a way that might just work—even if it means I can’t get the peace I so desperately need.
By the time my hair is coiffed and my face is plastered with some over-the-top makeup, all that’s left is to put on the slinky black cat suit that Kim has somehow deemed appropriate for tonight. It’s been hanging up in my dressing room, staring at me, for almost an hour, and with each second that passes, I become less convinced that I’m going to be able to pull this off.
I used to wear jeans and a checkered shirt—now it’s a cat suit. That’s one hell of a transition! And it’s one that I never would have wanted.
“Just get it on.” Lola smiles. She’s been desperately trying to reassure me all day that everything is going to be fine . “You might love it when you’re wearing it.” She doesn’t even sound fully certain herself, which doesn’t help her argument.
“I won’t,” I reply tearfully. “Just look at it. It’s hideous. I’ll look fat and lumpy, and totally whorish.”
“First off,” she says, then sighs in frustration. “There isn’t an inch of fat on you. Secondly, you won’t have any idea how it’s going to look until you get it on.” She takes it from the hanger, hands it to me, and begins to leave the room. “I’ll be back in a few moments. Just have it on and we’ll go from there. I’ll bring Nate back with me, too.”
I know she’s right, but that doesn’t make it any easier. Just the thought of trying to pull it onto my body stresses me out, but of course I have no choice. What Kim says goes. It’s always been that way. It’s one of the negative things about being a singer—you’re a commodity. You belong to everyone except yourself.
“Here goes nothing,” I whisper to myself. “Just get this on, and then everyone can see how hideous it is.”
I’m right. It clings to my body painfully and makes me look sluttier than I could have ever imagined. There’s a zipper that keeps coming down, showing off far more of my cleavage than I’m even slightly comfortable with. It’s taking all that I have not to break down at the sight of myself as I stare into the mirror. “What the hell am I going to do?” I whisper to my sad face. “How am I going to get through this?”
“Come out,” Nate calls through the door. “Let’s see you.” I can detect a hint of excitement in his voice, which makes me even more anxious. I feel too revealed and exposed in this outfit, and I’m afraid for him to see.
“You can come in,” I call back, wishing they wouldn’t, but I need their help and they can’t do anything until they’ve seen me.
But they completely betray me as they enter the room, both gasping and cooing over me, as if I look amazing. I argue and disagree, but they won’t hear a word of it, and somehow they manage to confuse me enough that I start to feel a confidence boost from their words. They are insistent that it’s fine, and that I manage to make the outfit look classy sexy, rather than just whorish. By the time I step out onstage, I’m ready to give the people of this ship a concert like no other…
12
Nate
I watch Jem performing with an intense pride filling my heart. She’s absolutely amazing! She’s doing Kim’s new sexy thing perfectly, without taking it too far—she’s achieving what her management wants without losing herself along the way, just like I suggested. In fact, she’s doing an even better job performing than I did. The tight leather cat suit she’s wearing might be a step too far on anyone else, but Jem manages to make it look sweet and seductive all at once. She’s got the balance just right, and everyone watching her is lapping it up.
“He runs his hands through my hair, his fingers caress my skin. My body lights up on fire, but nothing this good can last. He might not be forever, but this is right now…”
The crowd goes wild as she softly sings out the words from her most famous song (one that I’ve always—maybe arrogantly—assumed might be about me), and I could burst from excitement. She’s absolutely perfect, and I cannot believe that she’s mine all over again. When I first purchased her album and listened to the sad words on that track, it practically destroyed me, but now I can see that the past doesn’t matter at all. Whatever happened back then seems to be far behind us now. We may have had a rocky road, but we’ve managed to take things to a good place—and that’s made all the hardship along the way totally worth it.
I make sure I’m backstage by the time she finishes so I can envelop her in a much-needed hug. “You were phenomenal,” I gush as she falls happily into my arms. “The crowd loved you. Did you hear them? They were going wild!” She’s flushed pink with happiness, and I grab her quickly, spinning her around in the air.
“I can’t believe how well that went. I was so nervous…” she babbles as she crashes back to the ground. “I was so afraid, but then they all started cheering and my confidence went through the roof.”
“Well done,” Lola’s screech comes from behind us. “Oh, Jem, that was so amazing.” The friends hug and whisper to each other for a few seconds, but Jem quickly slips her h
and into mine, ensuring that she’s keeping me with her too. It’s the little things like this that I really love about Jem—she’s so empathetic, and she always wants everyone around her to feel like a part of her world. I’ve never known anyone to have a bad word to say about her, except maybe Tonya—and that has more to do with me than Jem.
“Thank you, you two.” She stares between us, then admits that we were right to have confidence in her all along. “I couldn’t have done it without your help today. You really saved me from making a car crash of this. I don’t know what I would have done if you hadn’t been there, picking up the pieces for me.”
“You know we’ll always be here!” Lola’s grin embodies my feelings exactly. “Just remember that when I’m having my own freak out.” She laughs a little mirthlessly. “God, I’m gonna be a total joke when it’s my turn to get onstage…”
Even Jem’s tough-nut manager seems pleased with her performance, even if it wasn’t quite what she envisioned. She gives her a little stern talking to about needing “a little more” from her, but there’s an odd smile on her face—one that suggests she isn’t as angry as she’s pretending to be. In fact, I’m pretty sure I spot her giving Jem a wink at one point, which must be good news.
After everyone has surrounded Jem and praised her for a wonderful performance, I take her back to my room. She crashes almost instantly, exhausted from her stressful, but exhilarating, night. As I watch her sleep, softly breathing in and out, I think of how angelic she looks. She’s absolutely perfect, and I intend to make her the happiest woman alive for the rest of my life. There’s no way I’m losing Jem ever again, no matter what. And this time I really feel like there’s nothing that could tear us apart.
A couple of days later, we dock at one of the most beautiful Mediterranean islands I’ve ever seen. It looks like a fantasy place you’d see in a vacation brochure—all blue skies and white beaches. On top of that, there’s some of the most amazing wildlife I’ve ever laid eyes on—large turtles, whales, and dolphins.
Jem and I take full advantage of our time here. We slowly reconnect, building something new, something even better than what we had before. We’re familiar to one another, but it’s also important to us to start again. We’ve missed time in one another’s lives, during which we did grow in different directions, and we need to incorporate that into the brand-new us. There’s no point in ignoring that we’ve changed or things will never be able to improve. In fact, rather than ignoring it, we’re happily embracing it.
As I spend time with Jem, shopping at the quaint marketplaces, sunbathing on the beach, and swimming with the dolphins (I couldn’t leave without experiencing that joy!), I begin to forget the person I became without her—the one who drank too much, lived too wildly, and slept with women I really shouldn’t have. That wasn’t me at all. I was never the bad boy, really. I just didn’t know what else to do with myself. I didn’t know how to exist without Jem. It’s hard to admit that I became that way because of her rejection, but that’s exactly what it was. I can pinpoint the second I lost my way, and it was when Jem walked away from me for the very last time.
“This is a dream come true,” Jem comments, softly kissing my lips as we sit on the beach for what we know will be the very last time. We’re leaving in a couple of hours, and the cruise ship will slowly take us back to our real lives. “It’s been amazing—being able to just be us without any expectations. And in the most gorgeous place ever. I don’t want to go home.”
There’s a sadness to her tone, one that I really don’t like hearing. “Hey, hey...don’t worry.” I lift her chin with my finger and pull her face up until our eyes connect. “We can still be us, always. This has been a fun little getaway, a magical vacation, if that’s how you want to think of it, but real life isn’t going to be bad either. It might be complex, but we’ll get through it. We can really do it this time.”
A strange expression crosses her face. She seems to be mentally predicting the worst, but after a short while she nods, agreeing with me. “You’re right.” She sighs. “It’s just…these have been the best few days ever, and I really don’t want them to end. It’s so perfect here.”
I rest my head against hers, losing myself in her gaze for a few seconds. I want her to see my confidence in us. She might be afraid to leave this bubble behind, but I’m not. I know what she means, and I do agree with her, but I’m more excited about what the future holds for us. Now that we’ve bonded and rekindled our relationship, I’m looking forward to what’s next in my life for the first time in a very long time. She’s ended a self-destructive cycle that I hadn’t even realized I was in, and now I’m anticipating something even better to come.
“Trust me.” I smile, pulling her in close to me. “Things are going to be amazing. Just wait and see. We’re going to leave here, go back on the ship, and sing our hearts out a few more times. Then we’re going to go home, and we’re going to make things between us better than ever.”
“I hope you’re right,” she whispers hopefully against me, and I smile brightly at her words. I wish I could show her my vision for the future, the one that shows just how happy and in love we’re going to be—but of course I can’t. She isn’t a mind reader! So I’ll just have to settle for making every day amazing for her. Eventually, I hope she’ll be as confident in us as I already feel.
“I am,” I reassure her. “Just you wait.”
13
Jem
As we get back onto the ship and leave the gorgeous, picturesque Mediterranean island behind, I have the horrible sense that something is slipping away from me. Things with Nate just felt so perfect in that small slice of Heaven, and I’m petrified that real life is going to tear us apart all over again. Nate has tried to reassure me otherwise, but I’m terrified that he’s wrong. The fear that something is going to make him leave my life forever infects my thoughts, and I can’t stop it. We lost our way once, and we made it back to one another, but there’s no guarantee of that happening twice. In fact, if I lose him again, I have the feeling that it will be forever. I don’t know if we could keep trying at something that isn’t going to last.
His words flow over and over through my mind, and I pray that he’s right. “Trust me. Things are going to be amazing. Just you wait and see.” I know we’re perfect for one another, and we have plenty of love surrounding us. I want to believe that it’s enough, but I know how influential outside pressures can be.
I don’t even know how our parents are going to react to us being back together, never mind the rest of the world! Nate’s fan base is huge now, and pretty fierce when they need to be, so I’m going to have to prepare myself for an online onslaught at the very least.
Although, to be honest, that’ll be the least of my problems. That won’t be enough to ruin everything for me and Nate, at any rate.
As if to prove my point, Nate’s management team calls him into a meeting almost the second we step onto the ship, tearing him from my side. Instead of using this time to be sad, to allow my negativity to grow, I head back to my room to take a nice, self-indulgent shower. There’s no better feeling than being pampered, and I can’t think of any other way to achieve that right now. Sure, there’s a spa on board here somewhere, but I’d much rather be alone.
But as I near my room, a shadow looms—one I never wanted to see again. My entire body shakes with trepidation. When he entered rehab for drug addiction all those years ago, I thought I’d never have to see him again, so having him here is a terrible disappointment. Especially since he’s involved with Lola.
“Cole,” I mutter to myself, and my heart rate kicks up a notch. I fix my eyes on the ground, hoping to not even look at him, but it’s obvious that I’m never going to get away with it. He’s only here to see me. He was never one for beating around the bush.
“Well, well, well,” he says in his sleaziest voice, stepping far too close to me and invading my personal space in the intimidating way he does best. “Little Jem-me back with the sad
young Nate, I see.” He gives me a grin—one that probably gets him laid a lot. He’s good-looking in a silver fox type of way, but I can’t see any of that. All I can see is the grotesque man that he really is. “How is that going for you?”
“What does it have to do with you?” I snap…or at least I try to. There’s an undeniable wobble there, though. How does he always manage to have this effect on me? I hate it. I hate him. I wish I could be far more powerful and commanding around him. It sucks that he makes me so weak.
“I would have thought that someone like you would prefer a man, not a boy.” He sneers, leaning his face close to mine. He’s more wrinkled now, his skin is more haggard, but the same old Cole is still there—the one who threatened to ruin my life, the one who’s infiltrated many of my nightmares.
“Someone like me?” My heart hammers so loudly against my rib cage that I’m certain he must be able to hear it. “What do you mean by that?”
“Someone so…seductive,” he whispers, causing a wave of nausea to wash over me. He’s revolting—old enough to be my father and making comments like that. I wish someone were around to hear him! If I’d been able to prepare for this, I could have recorded him somehow, had some evidence to keep him away from me in the future.
“Hey!” A sharp-sounding female voice rings out. I don’t instantly recognize it, but whoever it is sounds pissed off as hell. I want to glance up to see who interrupted Cole before he really terrified me, but I can’t without catching his eye. “Why don’t you just back off? Leave her alone, you psycho.”
“Oh, little Tonya Becker,” Cole replies, and I freeze in shock. Tonya? Does he really mean the Tonya I had a run-in with not so long ago? Is he serious? Is that who’s rescuing me right now? Why the hell would Tonya want to do anything to help me? She hates my guts. “Why don’t you mind your own business? You always were a jealous bitch.”
