by V. F. Mason
Just the idea of them together made me see red.
Yeah, Bella. Not jealous at all.
All this needed to be ignored and I had to concentrate on the task at hand. I loved that I had played better today. Maybe soon I would have my voice back. Nicky would love to hear that from me and—
Once I realized what I was thinking I had to shut that down fast. I acted as though he was here and I could share it with him.
But I couldn’t. Because he would never be back.
I sat down on the bed and took my head in my hands, willing myself not to cry. Since I was able to be out of the room now, I sometimes I forgot about the fact that he had died and the pain numbed away. But in moments like these, when I remembered it, the hurt was almost as much, if not more, than when I had first found out and seen his body.
God, how did people do this? How did they normally deal with this kind of pain? I had a shameful, deep desire to take the drugs and see him again.
I’m proud of you, baby girl.
No, he wasn’t. Wherever he was right now, he would be horrified with what I had done. He was my rock. He was the one who was strong, not me. I didn’t know how to be strong on my own, or how to live alone and not have my big brother helping me out with everything.
Where was the fairness in all this? I never wished death for anyone, but seriously, why were the good guys usually taken first? This pain, it had to be numbed with something, but I had no idea what I could do to ease it right now. There was no booze or drugs or company, for that matter, here. I couldn’t exactly run there and announce that I want some. I didn’t want to be locked up again and smell my own vomit. So I did the next best thing; I grabbed my book and tried to concentrate on what I was reading. But when I closed my eyes for a second, Nate’s face and the feel of his lips on mine came to mind.
I wanted to escape thoughts of him, and especially thoughts like that.
But it seemed it was the only thing that kept me from going crazy.
And how fucking crazy was that?
“Nick Hastings.” The audience applauded and whistled; no wonder, my brother was a star of the school, after all.
He’d finished with a high GPA and had several college offers. I hoped he would take one of them because it would provide him with a good future and many possibilities.
Our parents weren’t there, and it wasn’t like either of us wanted them to be. They stayed away from us, and that was good. Nicky even made them clean their own shit. I didn’t have to scrub the floors anymore after their get-togethers with drunken buddies.
I played all the time now. It had been two years since I had received my own guitar, and Megan had taught me how to play well. After their initial fake date, Nicky was charmed and had asked her out again, and then again and again, and here they were, a couple who graduated together. Lots of people were giving them a hard time, but they didn’t care, and that’s what love was all about, in my opinion.
Not that I knew anything in that department. There wasn’t a guy I was interested in or who wanted me, but I was too young and wanted to focus on music anyway. There was plenty of time for dating.
Not love though, never love.
Finally, when everything was done and Megan had given the valedictorian’s speech, we all met for hugs and pictures. Megan’s parents were very friendly, and for some strange reason, never minded the fact their perfect daughter dated the town’s drunks’ son. And they always were kind to us, and me especially. We stayed at their house a lot, and her parents made sure we ate well.
Even now, they hugged us close and took pictures with us, announcing we were family no matter what. Those kind of feelings brought tears to my eyes, but I held them in.
There was no room for crying today, even for happy tears.
I was chatting with Mrs. Jameson, who was the housekeeper in the Maverick’s house and a nanny to Megan, when I felt arms circle my waist from behind and giggled.
“Hey there, baby girl.” I turned around and smiled, hugging him tighter. The last time I had done that was earlier that morning, but now it was different. He was a graduate, no longer a kid.
The end of an era, as they say, not that I understood what it meant.
What I did know was that school would suck big time without Nick there to protect me, because those school kids were vicious and hated that I had a big brother to look out for me. Sometimes they spat on my food when he couldn’t see, or pushed me in the hallways so that I ended up on the floor. I wasn’t really afraid for myself, because compared to Dad, their hits were nothing. But I was afraid my guitar would break. Aside from Nicky and Megan, music was the only passion I had in life.
I would survive when Nick left. I had to learn to be on my own. It wasn’t like I would have him to protect me forever; it wasn’t right.
“Hey,” I said back, and he just kept on smiling.
“I have good news for you.” I furrowed my eyebrows in confusion as I looked up at him.
“You do?” I wasn’t sure what that could be. He had already told me he had spoken with the owner of the diner where he worked at and he had agreed to take me as Nick’s replacement, so I would have a job and wouldn’t have to worry about money.
Maybe some would think it was odd to be happy about such things, but not me. I didn’t take anything for granted in life.
“Yeah. How do you like New York?”
“Um…it’s great.” His eyes sparkled and it hit me. “OMG, you decided to go to Columbia?” It was Megan’s choice as well, but he was still deciding, because he received other offers as well. Not only was he a promising football player, he had good grades along with it.
“Yep. So, do you like New York?” Who wouldn’t like it? I mean, I saw the city only from pictures, but it was magnificent. I wanted to visit it badly, and thanks to Nicky, now I could!
Surely there would be time for me when I could see him there. Good news indeed.
“Of course!” I squealed and jumped up and down as he laughed. “I will be able to see you there. What’s not to like about it?”
“Well, actually, that’s not all. There is a boarding school for you, a private one actually, and you will go there.” That stopped me dead and I looked at him wide-eyed.
“What do you mean, private school?”
“Megan’s dad contacted some of his folks there, and one of his close friends has this program for kids from difficult families. They looked at your profile and agreed to take you in. You’ll be on a scholarship, though, but I don’t think it will be that hard with your grades.” I shook my head because I knew how much he hated charity, and for sure he didn’t want to owe Megan’s dad, of all people.
“Nicky, no, that doesn’t feel right. And so much money—” He put his hands on my shoulders.
“Baby girl, look, they’ve had this charity program for years now, and when they offered, yeah, it sucked, and I don’t like it, but I agreed for you. They found you suitable, and this school has a music department too. That would be good for you and me, okay?” I knew if I made a fuss of it, he would stay here and go to community college. It was becoming clear he would never leave me here alone. He was probably aware of everything, and it was stupid that I thought I could hide it from him.
“Okay, Nicky.” He smiled and hugged me as I searched for Megan’s family. When I mouthed a ‘thank you’ to them, they smiled and I closed my eyes.
I wouldn’t have to let go of my brother.
I wouldn’t have to learn how to live without his protection after all.
Annabella
Drake looked the same as the last time—organized, kind, and ready to listen—though I didn’t know what he wanted to hear from me.
It was easier when he was asking questions, and I hoped he would continue to do that.
It wasn’t like I wanted to share my life history or anything else. I just needed an all clear to leave the place. My second visit with him was spent talking about my childhood. For some odd reason, that never bothered me
much and I was open about it, even to the media, I spoke freely of those years of hunger, abuse, and constant stress.
After our parents died, it was no longer an issue.
I still couldn’t say out loud that Nick was gone, and Drake wasn’t pushing me, but probably at some point he would. I just didn’t see him spending all this time with me for nothing.
It had been two weeks since the whole Nate incident, and damn me, I still thought about it when I wanted to calm down or I had too much time to think, which was funny, considering I did nothing but think in this place.
Nate had gone away on business and was supposed to come back tonight. After our first time playing together, we had practiced some more, and it’d had the same effect on me. Nate told me not to practice without him, and I listened. I was afraid to have another breakdown.
I looked healthier, and there was some life in my hair now. I knew I was a long way from fine, but that was something. The meetings with the psychologist were one thing that left me shaken. It was my sixth visit now, and I’d been here for almost two months.
“How are you today, Bella?” I had asked him to call me by my nickname. The long one reminded me too much of my parents or school, which weren’t exactly favorite times in my life.
“I’m good.” I smiled, even though I was nervous. He wasn’t scary or anything, but those meetings of ours were unnerving. I just wanted to get a grip on my emotions, because all the emotional outbursts I was having made my head hurt, and that was saying something.
“Good.” He smiled back and made some notes and then looked up at me. “Last time we spoke about your childhood.” I nodded and he continued talking. “Have you ever visited their graves?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“Are you kidding me?” I couldn’t help but say it. Seriously, was he for fucking real? “They were drunks and are not worthy of my attention. The only good thing they ever made was Nicky, and he is now—” I shut up because I couldn’t say it. Something flashed in Drake’s eyes, but it was quickly gone, and he made a freaking note again.
“You mentioned a girl named Megan and her family, who helped you move to New York. Do you still keep in touch with her?” Well, this dude could jump from one uncomfortable subject to another, I would give him that.
“No. I mean, the last time I saw them all was during the funeral.” He raised his eyes and I palmed my mouth, because for the first time, I admitted it out loud—the F-word.
“I see. Was she still Nicky’s girl?” It was hard to think about her, because I had left her alone to deal with everything. I knew she was strong and probably handled it way better than I could have.
“Yes, they were together all the time. She got a teaching degree, and he’d planned to propose to her.” I even knew where the ring was. He’d already bought it and had asked for my opinion about it, though my taste and hers had nothing in common. But it was beautiful nevertheless. I still knew where it was. Hopefully, once I was out of here, I could give it to her. She would want to know he had planned a future with her.
“Did you have a good relationship with her?”
“Yes, they were perfect for one another, and she was always there. Megan taught me how to play the guitar.”
“That’s good. Do you want to see her again?” Did I? For some reason, it was a hard question to answer because even though we liked each other, the only thing we had in common was Nicky. And I doubted either of us wanted to talk about him.
“I’m not sure.”
“Let’s talk about your girls. How did you all meet?”
Well, that was one heck of a story, and if someone told me afterward that we would be best friends and create one of the most recognizable rock bands in the modern world, I would have laughed in their face.
Life is unexpected, as they say. I opened my mouth and decided to tell Drake the whole story. It was at least something to remember and that didn’t require an emotional death from me.
New York, NY, Private School, September 2006
Well, shit.
I wasn’t exactly ready for this when I thought about private school. I had spent the whole summer in New York sorting things from my move and reading several books to catch up on the courses that were sure to be more difficult and more demanding than my previous school. I had even visited the place several times. The buildings were beautiful, clean, and organized. But I wasn’t ready. I wasn’t prepared for the today when the kids came back.
They didn’t look friendly. They didn’t look approachable. Hell, they looked worse than the kids from my old school, and that was saying something.
I was standing in front of my class while the teacher made introductions. I was wearing their ridiculous uniform that consisted of a knee-length skirt, white shirt, long socks, and ballerina shoes. All in all, these were the most ridiculous clothes I had ever seen, or worn for that matter.
I felt like I was inside a Gossip Girl book and wondered if they had their own Chuck Bass, whom girls went crazy for.
Oh shit, if they had him, then they would have Blair, the queen of the school.
Just my luck, it seemed like she was in my class. She was among a bunch of girls sitting on the right corner. She was wearing the right amount of makeup for her age. Her hair was nicely done and she was gorgeous, with her blonde hair and long legs. The girls sitting near her looked at her with envy and fear, and that confirmed my assumption.
The girl looked like she was a bitch, and sadly, I was her new target.
That sucked big time, but I would have to get over it. No way was I leaving New York—or Nicky, for that matter—because the kids were unfriendly. They weren’t friendly back home, either.
“So, kids, welcome the new member of our family, Annabella Hastings. Be nice,” she warned. Yeah, like anyone was going to listen to her; the woman was delusional. It was several minutes before the start of the class, so with a fake smile, she left me there in the middle of the jungle, alone, to the curious stares of my classmates.
Fantastic.
Long legs stood up and made a slow move toward me, looking me up and down, and clearly was not impressed with what she saw. I tried not to show her any signs of fear and hoped it worked. I wasn’t looking for trouble on my first day, and she oozed big money, so she probably had rich folks who would back her up.
“What do we have here?” Her voice was slightly husky and I noticed several guys looking at her ass and legs. I just rolled my eyes.
Jeez, guys were jerks.
“Just plain old me.” I wanted to smack myself in the face, because there was no point in antagonizing her, especially in front of an audience. I blamed it on Michael, Nick’s friend, who had taught me over the summer that I had to be tough sometimes and protect myself, especially in a city like this.
The guy was a total weirdo, so I wasn’t sure I should have taken his advice.
“You’re right, I do see you, and you are plain.” Some of the people in class smirked, and her so-called friends had cruel anticipation written all over them. I wouldn’t show her fear; no way would I give her that satisfaction. I knew it was a test that would define me and my reputation in the school, and since I had three years to go, I needed to seriously focus on that.
“Well, since no one makes you look, why don’t you look somewhere else?” Yeah, seriously, I was freaking asking for it.
“So sure, huh, newbie?”
“Not really, oldie.” She leaned closer, and since we were pretty much the same height, there was no intimidating effect, but she looked me straight in the eyes, and I wasn’t exactly used to that from people, either.
“Don’t make me angry, newbie. I already don’t like you much, but you can have the first week.” I raised my brows ‘cause I felt like she spoke Chinese.
“Excuse me?”
“You have one week to get settled and, I don’t know, find yourself some friends. After that, since I don’t like you, and don’t see any chance of ever liking you, I will make
your life a living hell. But since you didn’t shy away, that earned you my respect, so you have one week.” With those words, she went back to her friends, leaving me there with my mouth open.
Gaining respect? Was she kidding me? Was it some kind of mafia or what? Those rich kids clearly were crazy. To find friends in one week? How the fuck was that possible if I couldn’t even do it in all those years back at my old school?
I chose the seat in front, which no one wanted, and tried to calm down, thinking about the music I would be able to play in my room later that night. I should focus on that and forget about that blonde, whoever the hell she was. But I had a feeling in my gut that she kept her promises, and that created my first problem.
Well, high school sucked.
But what else was new?
One week later
My week was up.
I was scared shitless.
I saw what Blondie was capable of doing; she ruled the school, and people loved and feared her. If there was someone she didn’t like, she didn’t like them, period. And then those people became outcasts.
She wasn’t cruel or anything; she just decided who was popular and who was not, and the rules were followed according to the person.
Her boyfriend was one year older than she and apparently, a super quarterback of the school, too.
So they were a typical popular couple.
I hadn’t made any new friends there, which wasn’t surprising.
What was surprising was the fact she kept her word and didn’t pay me any attention.
Besides that small fact, she and her weird behavior were hanging over my head like an axe. The school was pretty cool, and they had a music department as well, with so many instruments that my head spun. They were holding auditions that day. I really didn’t need the additional nerves, but it seemed there was no other choice for me. The audition was during the second period and, well, I was fucked.
