by V. F. Mason
Fuck me. Yet? Her hoarse voice snapped me from my rather shocking thoughts.
“I have one with me.” She pushed one in my hand and I quickly put it on.
As I entered her in one smooth thrust, I muffled her cry with my mouth. Despite what I said, I had no desire for others to hear the sounds my girl was making while she got off on me.
They were only for me. My sounds.
She was just that.
Mine.
My hands entwined with hers as I pushed them against the wall, keeping my thrust firm and steady. I could feel it would end soon, but I made sure to angle my cock against her clit with each move, which had her moaning inside my mouth. She struggled from my hold and I let go, only for her to place her hands in my hair and bring me closer. She deepened the kiss when finally it rocked and reached us at the same time. She cried out quietly inside my mouth and I groaned. For long moments, we kissed with me still inside her, and although it was quick and fast and in the storage room of a bar, it was still great and full of emotion, because it was with her.
“I… I…” She struggled for words, and I had a feeling she was about to say the L-word, but I couldn’t let her.
Not before she knew the whole truth. I put my hand gently over her mouth.
“I know. But not now, okay? I need to tell you something tonight. If you still feel like you want to say it after that, I’ll say it back. Okay?” She looked into my eyes, slightly confused, but she must have seen something there because she nodded. With a last kiss, I pulled myself out of her and gently put her down. I removed the condom and threw it away in the trash can. As I quickly put my clothes back on, I helped her, too. Her lips were swollen from my kisses, her hair was all over the place, and her shirt was slightly rumpled. She looked like a woman well-loved.
My woman.
“Let’s go back to everyone and hope like fuck they’ve had enough and we can go home.” She laughed and I smiled back. Taking her hand in mine, we went back to the gang.
Annabella
I tried to quietly move around the room and not wake Ryan up. He finally fell asleep a few minutes ago, and by the looks of it, he would be out for a long time. Nick mentioned once how Ryan wasn’t a light sleeper, so he shouldn’t notice me leaving his place.
I picked up my clothes, went to the bathroom, and cleaned up my face. I tried to ignore my reflection in the mirror.
Slightly wincing from the pain inside me, which ached like a scratch, I slipped into my clothes. After we were done, Ryan made sure to clean me up with a hot, wet washcloth, and even wanted to run a bath for me, but I refused. I could do it at home. I just wanted him to fall asleep so I could leave.
What we had tonight, what we did tonight, was something I wasn’t prepared for.
I wanted to lose my virginity and get it over with.
But he made me feel other things, like emotions.
The fact that it was our first, let alone together, created the intimacy I didn’t want to have with anyone.
I didn’t want to be my mom, who was blindsided by love.
I wasn’t in love with Ryan or anything.
But I could be.
And that scared me.
So I did the only thing I knew to do when I was scared. I wrote him a note explaining my feelings and called for a cab.
I left his apartment quietly and made it to the hotel room, where I finally took the long, hot bath that eased some of my muscle, and helped me forget about our night together.
About everything he made me feel and how my body reacted to him.
I just needed to forget about Ryan.
He was dangerous to my heart, and that meant he couldn’t be a part of my life.
Annabella
My head was still dizzy from our lovemaking when we made it back to the pool table. Nate chose a seat nearby and sat me up on top of him while he declined the invitation to rejoin the game. I was cocooned in his arms as he gently played with my hair while my head rested in the crook between his shoulder and neck. It felt so good, and I wondered why I was afraid of intimacy before.
I wanted to stay here forever with him and be happy.
Because I was happy.
There was still guilt that Nick wasn’t here with me, but he would have wanted me to move on. He would have wanted me to be happy.
And I was ready for it.
Nate didn’t let me spill my heart out to him. He said something about me knowing the truth. What could he possibly tell me that could change my mind? He was there for me when my world shattered, and hardly anything could change how I felt about him.
The girls were still arguing with the guys over who won what; well, it was mostly Ariel, because with Jer’s mood, it seemed like he didn’t even acknowledge Sam was there. Drake, on the other hand, winked and flirted with Jane as she tried to avoid him, but made some contact. There was curiosity in her eyes, and I wondered if she’d ever give him a chance at winning her over.
I hoped they would get bored soon because all I wanted was to go back home and talk with my guy. I’d started to slowly doze off when the bartender—or rather the owner of the bar as I found out—came back.
I wondered where he had been, leaving the bar completely at our mercy.
“Ryan, are you guys gonna be long by any chance?” Nate tensed under me, and I wasn’t sure what made him feel that way. I raised up and was about to ask him when the man addressed me.
“I have to say, it’s nice to see you back, Bella. I’m sorry about Nick. I know you guys were close.” I tried to understand what he was saying as I looked at him, really looked at him for the first time since we came here, and it hit me who he was.
Noah White. He was on the football team with Nick, and he was actually always nice to us. His family used to own the diner in town, and sometimes his parents gave us food, which we hid from our parents and enjoyed for a few days. I knew nothing about him since I moved out, but heard from Nick that he finished college. But then there were troubles at home and he had to come back and take care of it.
I had no idea he had the bar, too.
“Noah?” I smiled and stood up to give him a hug, aware that everyone was staring at us. “I’m sorry I didn’t recognize you.” He smiled back.
“It’s okay. I watch the TV, so you know, I’m sorry.” His expression was sad and I just shook my head.
“It’s okay.” I had to learn to deal with people being sorry and accept it as part of my life now. “So, you run the bar now? What happened to your family’s diner?” Sadness and shame flashed through his eyes but were quickly gone.
“The bank took it. After my folks died, I had no money to maintain it and kind of went off the rails. Then this bar was available, and believe it or not, during weekends it has a lot of people coming in.”
Yeah, that was hard to believe, but I kept it to myself.
“Then again, it was all thanks to Ryan. If he didn’t help me out, I probably wouldn’t have this one either.” That made me frown.
“Ryan? As in Ryan Jackson?”
He furrowed his brows. “Well, yeah. What other Ryan do we have, right, bro?” He looked behind me at Nate, and suddenly I was aware of the silence that washed over the bar and how Jeremy and Drake watched the whole thing, anticipating a train wreck that was about to happen.
Then it dawned on me.
Ryan.
He said Ryan before when he addressed Nate, but I didn’t pay attention because I was shocked to see him again.
Ryan.
All the pieces started to make sense.
The familiarity of his eyes, of his presence, and how every time we made love something flashed in his eyes. The things he knew about me. The comments he made. The softness and protectiveness I felt. How the connection I was forming with him reminded me of Ryan.
Because he was Ryan.
The confident, handsome man was unfamiliar to me, and I was so blinded by him and my pain that I didn’t recognize what was under my nose. We had an instant k
ind of spark and I just took it for granted. I didn’t even question all those feelings I had because geeky, nerdy Ryan was a far cry from Nate.
I was so stupid. How could I have missed it?
He lied to me.
All this time, he never once told me who he was, and the idea that he had seen me in my whole drug-addiction glory just killed something inside me.
I never loved him or anything, but he was a nice memory. A guy I could have a future with if I hadn’t walked away.
But I pushed him away, and here I was now.
I’d just had sex with him in the bar, and everyone knew it.
My face was probably red from humiliation as I raised my eyes to Nate, who looked worried and remorseful.
No, that’s not right. He wasn’t Nate.
He was Ryan.
Ryan.
I pushed away from him and took a step back. His expression became cold as he turned around to everyone.
“Everyone leave the bar. Now.” His voice held order in it and no one made a sound of protest, although I expected that from my girls.
The silence that fell between us was deafening, and he looked like he was trying to find the words to start the conversation.
Well, I could make it easier for him.
“You must have had so much fun lying to me all this time. I mean, it’s kind of funny, if you look at it from that angle. I never saw it coming.” His jaw ticked, but he said nothing. “What was your plan all along, really? I get it you hated me after I left you back in that apartment. Was this some kind of revenge?” Surprisingly, my voice was steady and cold. I was falling apart inside, but I’d be damned if I showed it to him.
“Don’t,” he finally said.
“Don’t what?”
“Don’t belittle what we had, what we have, to some stupid revenge. I wouldn’t do it. Ever. Not to you. Not to anyone. You know me better than that.” At this, I laughed hard, but it was hollow and held no real joy in it.
“I know you? I don’t know you. I have no idea what you’re capable of. You lied to me. Why?”
“Because I needed to save you and you wouldn’t have let me if you knew who I was,” he snapped, almost shouting at me, but then tightened his fists and tried to calm down. “I knew you didn’t want anything to do with me, and that was the reason I used my first name. And before you ask, only Jeremy knew who I was, and he knows nothing of our history. Drake got to know once you’ve mentioned me in one of your sessions.”
Yes, my conversation where I said he felt familiar. I should have known back then that something was wrong; I just didn’t want to.
Subconsciously, I had to know all along.
“You were right. I wouldn’t want your help. There was a reason why I left you that night.” I tried to ignore the tug in my heart when pain flashed through his eyes but was replaced with indifference. He didn’t want to show me his feelings, either.
“Bella,” he finally said. “Does it matter? Does it change anything? I’m still me. I’m still the man who was with you all these months. I’m still the guy who you—”
“No. You are not. I fell in love with Nate. I don’t love you. I never loved you, Ryan!” I screamed, and it echoed through the bar. He froze, looked down, and stayed like that for several minutes. Then he raised his head, his face giving nothing away.
“If that’s how you feel.” My emotions were all over the place. Part of me wanted to go to him and convince him I had feelings for him, but the hurt part wanted to make him hurt as much as I did. “It was one of the things I wanted to tell you, but that’s not all.”
“You mean there is more to your lies than this?” It was hard to keep the sarcasm out of my words.
“This one is not a lie. It’s something you wouldn’t have handled well if it was told to you before.”
“Well, since you decided everything for me, tell me. What else is there?”
“Megan moved back here to be closer to her family. She has a house, and she wants you to visit. And you must to do that.” He picked up the keys from the table and strolled past me, opening the bar door. “Let’s go. I’ll take everyone home and then I’ll catch a flight to New York. You can stay and practice, and before you say anything, think about it. You need my place to practice, and the press won’t attack you here. I won’t be there. Just meet Megan, okay? I’ll leave the address and Jer can take you.”
What was happening? Was that it? He considered it the end of an argument? I couldn’t believe he made decisions for me here as well.
“I wasn’t done—” He raised his hand to stop me.
“I’m done, Bella. You won. I thought we had something special that this time it would be different. But it’s never going to be different with you, is it?” With those final words, he left me standing there alone with the door shut tightly after him.
I drove him away. Wasn’t I happy? He lied to me, right? I was justified in my anger.
Why didn’t I feel happy about it?
Instead, I felt like I’d let go of something that had great meaning to me, and it was entirely my fault.
Once again.
Ryan
The deep rage was growing inside me but tried my best to suppress it. There was no point in it, and really, did I expect anything else? It was obvious she would turn her back on me the minute she learned the truth, so I shouldn’t be that surprised with anything. Everyone was waiting by the car and Noah came to me worriedly.
“Ryan, I’m sorry if I caused you any trouble.” I shook my head and one up hugged him. He was a great guy, one of the few in this damned town who used to be nice to all of us. It was one of the reasons I decided to help him out back then.
“It’s not your fault, Noah, believe me.” He looked unsure but didn’t say anything.
“See you around then, man?” I gave him a nod and went to the car. Jeremy and Drake were silent, knowing well what a shitload of trouble I was in and that there wasn’t really much solution to it anyway.
The girls watched me with their eyes wide open, and they probably tried to understand how they didn’t recognize the geeky boy they used to know.
“I have to say, I didn’t expect that.” Figures Ariel would be the first one to open her mouth, but I didn’t have the fucking patience for this shit anymore.
“How about you just don’t say anything,” I snapped. She froze and then frowned. But Jane elbowed her and she said nothing.
I heard the steps behind me and refused to turn around. I’d had enough of her rejections in my life. I was ready to fight for us, but she had to go and say she never loved me, didn’t she? She was ready to love Nate but not Ryan.
Unfortunately for her, we were a package deal.
“Bye, Bella, hope to see you around.” Noah’s voice was still guilty, but I knew she would smile and reassure him.
“I doubt that, but thanks anyway. You know I’m not into the whole hometown thing.” She came closer, and everyone looked at us as though waiting for our reaction.
The reaction or scene I wasn’t willing to give them.
I gave the keys to Jeremy and he raised his eyebrows in worry.
“My driver will pick me up. I’m leaving for New York anyway, so you can take everyone home and stick with the plan. She needs to see Megan, okay, man?” There was disapproval in his eyes, but he gave me a nod anyway, and we hugged each other briefly.
I did the same with Drake and tensed when he whispered, “I’m sorry, brother. I’ll take care of her.”
“You do that.” I turned to the girls and gave them a smile, already feeling like shit for snapping at Ariel like that.
“Have fun, girls, see you around sometime.” They seemed lost for words when finally Sam spoke up.
“Sure, man. Just let us know when and where. We kind of liked the whole bar to ourselves experience. Jer here doesn’t let us do it.” She gave me a smile despite the tension she was feeling, and that gained a few chuckles from the girls, but they said nothing more.
I
stepped back and my body tensed when the sweet perfume of Bella reached my nose, but I wouldn’t look or say anything.
I needed to fucking get away from here and, once and for all, cure myself of those feelings I had for her.
Everyone started to slowly get in the car and Bella stopped at the door, her back to me. The pathetic part of me willed for her to turn around and come back to me. It made me wish everything that happened to us wasn’t the end.
She didn’t do it.
She hopped inside the car and closed the door, which was the finality to our relationship. I watched as the vehicle slowly drove off, and with it, all the dreams I ever had about her.
We were over.
She was healed and could move forward without me.
My job was done.
I was done.
I wished my heart would listen to me too, because I was done chasing a dream I couldn’t have.
“I’m not getting married. Ever.” This was a freaking promise. Nicky raised his brow and gave me a questioning look, so I felt the need to explain. “I don’t want to be anything like Mom. She does everything he says and doesn’t give a shit about us.” We were sitting on our porch, after just having cleaned up after their mess, and I still had homework to do. But neither one of us wanted to enter the house right then. The smell of cigarettes and whiskey was still fresh.
“That’s a wrong thing to say.”
“Why?”
“Do you think I shouldn’t have kids?” That made me pause, and my brows furrowed in confusion.
“Of course not. You would be a perfect dad.” He picked up the rock that was under his shoes and threw it away.
“Sometimes I wonder. After all, look at our dad. What if I become like him?”
“Nicky, that’s insane, you would never be like him!” Then he turned to me and smiled.
“I know, baby girl, because those people don’t define me or you. That’s their life, and we are going to build our life differently. Just the way we want to.” He circled his arm around my shoulders and we both watched the sunset. “We decide who we become and what kind of life we have. You always have two choices in life. Feed your fear, or feed something else. I’d like to think you and I are better than the anger and remorse they have.” He kissed me on the cheek and I relaxed in his embrace.
