One boy raised his hand. “But what if you’re hammering a nail and accidentally smash your thumb?”
“That,” the fellow answered, “is when we use your language.”
— ANGELA CHIANG
T
eacher: “There are two words I don’t allow in my class. One is gross, and the other is cool.”
Johnny: “So, what are the words?”
“B
oys just like one thing,” my ten-year-old told a friend. Oh no, the end of her innocence, I thought. Then she announced her finding: “PlayStations.”
— ALAN ZOLDAN
F
lummoxed by his true-false final exam, a student decides to toss a coin up in the air. Heads means true; tails, false. Thirty minutes later he’s done, well before the rest of the class. But then the student starts flipping the coin again. And soon he’s swearing and sweating over each question.
“What’s wrong?” asks the concerned teacher.
“I’m rechecking my answers,” says the student.
O
ne of my Grade 3 pupils came to my desk one morning, sporting a bandaged finger. When I asked her what had happened, she replied, “Well, you know those things you sharpen carrots with?”
— NANCY PERRY
S
hortly after becoming landed immigrants in Canada, our family was returning to Montreal after a vacation in the United States. As we neared the Canadian border, we asked our five children to settle down and be quiet.
At the border the customs officer asked my husband, “What is your status in Canada?”
Before he could answer, our nine-year-old daughter piped up with, “We are all landed hypocrites!”
— JANE B. GLOWKA
A
student tore into our school office. “My iPod was stolen!” she cried. I handed her a form, and she filled it out, answering everything, even those questions intended for the principal. Under “Disposition,” she wrote, “I’m really ticked off.”
— DEBORAH MILES
I
nterviewing a college applicant, the dean of admissions asks, “If you could have a conversation with someone, living or dead, who would it be?”
The student thinks it over, then answers, “The living one.”
— DAVE GAU
M
ystery writer P. D. James told a college audience that her career path was laid out early in life. “My parents had an inkling of what I might become when I was five years old. When they read me ‘Humpty Dumpty,’ I asked, ‘Was he pushed?’ ”
— SHIRLEY SAYRE
D
riving my three-year-old daughter to day care before work, I noticed a family of dead raccoons on the road. I quickly sped past, hoping she wouldn’t spot them. No such luck.
“Mommy, what was that?”
“Some wood must have fallen from a truck,” I fibbed.
“Oh,” she said. “Is that what killed all those raccoons?”
— TAMMY MAAS
I
see a sign that says “Caution, Small Children Playing.” I slow down, and then it occurs to me: I’m not afraid of small children.
— JONATHAN KATZ
Beware of Pets
M
y mother-in-law’s dog was overweight, so the vet gave her some diet pills for the dog. On the return visit the dog’s weight was unchanged. The vet asked if she was having trouble getting the dog to take the pills. “Oh no,” my mother-in-law answered. “I hide them in her ice cream!”
— VI KNUTSON
M
y sight-impaired friend was in a grocery store with her guide dog when the manager asked, “Is that a blind dog?” My friend said, “I hope not, or we’re both in trouble.”
— SUE YOUNG
I
heard the dog barking before he and his owner actually barreled into our vet practice. Spotting a training video we sell, the owner wisely decided to buy one.
“How does this work?” she asked, handing me a check. “Do I just have him watch this?”
— BRANDI CHYTKA
T
ourists come to Yellowstone National Park armed with a lot of questions. As someone who works nearby, I don’t always have answers. Like the time one earnest woman wanted to know, “At what elevation do deer turn into elk?”
— AMY BUCKLES
A
marine biologist was telling his friends about some of his most recent research findings.
“Some whales can communicate at a distance of 300 miles,” he said.
“What the hell would one whale say to another 300 miles away?” asked his sarcastic friend.
“I’m not absolutely sure,” the expert said, “but it sounds something like, ‘Can you hear me now?’”
W
hile staring at a monkey in the zoo, one of my preschool students had a question: “What does he eat?”
The zookeeper rattled off a long list of foods that the monkeys were fed.
“Where does he get his food from?” asked the student.
“Oh, just the regular supermarket,” answered the zookeeper.
My student wasn’t finished. “Well, who drives him?”
— MICHELLE MUELLER
A
farmer pulls a prank on Easter Sunday. After the egg hunt he sneaks into the chicken coop and replaces every white egg with a brightly colored one.
Minutes later the rooster walks in. He spots the colored eggs, then storms out and beats up the peacock.
— ADAM JOSHUA SMARGON
T
here was no way we were giving up the stray kitten that adopted us. We called her Princess.
When we took her to the animal hospital to get her checked out, the vet had news: She was actually a He. “So what’s the new name going to be?” he asked. “The Cat Formerly Known as Princess?”
— JEANETTE ANDERSON
I dressed my dog up as a cat for Halloween.
Now he won’t come when I call him.
— REID FAYLOR, HEARD AT THE ROOFTOP COMEDY TALENT INSTITUTE
A
zookeeper spotted a visitor throwing $10 bills into the elephant exhibit.
“Why are you doing that?” asked the keeper.
“The sign says it’s okay,” replied the visitor.
“No, it doesn’t.”
“Yes, it does. It says, ‘Do not feed. $10 fine.’”
A
woman walked into my aunt’s animal shelter wanting to have her cat and six kittens spayed and neutered.
“Is the mother friendly?” my aunt asked.
“Very,” said the woman, casting an eye on all the pet carriers. “That’s how we got into this mess in the first place.”
— SARAH MITCHELL
T
he week we got our puppy, I caught a stomach bug and stayed home from work one day. That afternoon my wife called to check up on me.
“I’m okay,” I said. “But guess who pooped in the dining room.”
My wife’s response: “Who?”
— RUSSELL MOORE
“W
hat should I do?” yelled a panicked client to the receptionist at our veterinarian’s office. “My dog just ate two bags of unpopped popcorn!”
Clearly not as alarmed as the worried pet owner, the receptionist responded coolly, “Well, the first thing I would do is keep him out of the sun.”
— BRENDA SHIPLEY
T
he injury to our piglet wasn’t serious, but it did require stitches. So I sent my teenage daughter back into the farmhouse to get needle and thread and bring it to me, while I looked after the squealing animal.
Ten minutes later she still hadn’t returned.
“What are you doing?” I called out.
She yelled back, “Looking for the pink thread.”
— JUNE HALEY
I
was shopping in the pet section of my local supermarket when I overheard a woman singing the praises of a particular water bowl to her
husband.
“Look, it even has a water filter!” she concluded, holding the doggie dish out for her husband’s inspection.
He had a slightly different take on things: “Dear, he drinks out of the toilet.”
— JAMES JENKINS
A
lonely woman buys a parrot for companionship. After a week the parrot hasn’t uttered a word, so the woman goes back to the pet store and buys it a mirror. Nothing. The next week, she brings home a little ladder. Polly is still incommunicado, so the week after that, she gives it a swing, which elicits not a peep. A week later she finds the parrot on the floor of its cage, dying. Summoning up its last breath, the bird whispers, “Don’t they have any food at that pet store?”
— LUCILLE ARNELL
Why do black widow spiders kill their mates after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.
— ARLANA LOCKETT
A
fellow salesperson, an animal lover, was suddenly overcome by allergies at one of our company meetings. Coughing, sniffling, watery eyes…she was a mess.
“If you have such terrible allergies, why do you keep so many pets?” asked a friend.
“Because”—sneeze, cough, hack—“if I’m going to be sick, I might as well have company.”
— JOHN CALDWELL
I
was admiring a picture on my design client’s wall when she came up from behind and mentioned, “That’s my mother and her dog.”
“She’s very attractive,” I said.
“She was more like a friend, really. I miss her.”
“She’s no longer alive?” I asked.
“No. But my mother is.”
— SANDRA BOLETCHEK
A
man and his dog go to a movie. During the funny scenes the dog laughs. When there’s a sad part, the dog cries. This goes on for the entire film: laughing and crying in all the right places.
After the show a man who was sitting in the row behind them comes up and says, “That was truly amazing!”
“It sure was,” the dog owner replies. “He hated the book.”
— DONALD GEISER
T
here, in the reptiles section of our zoo, a male turtle was on top of a female behaving very, um, affectionately. My daughter was transfixed. She asked, “Mommy?”
Uh-oh, I thought. Here comes The Question. “Yes?” I said.
“Why doesn’t he go around?”
— DAWN HOISINGTON
A
guy drives into a ditch, but luckily, a farmer is there to help. He hitches his horse, Buddy, up to the car and yells, “Pull, Nellie, pull!” Buddy doesn’t move.
“Pull, Buster, pull!” Buddy doesn’t budge.
“Pull, Coco, pull!” Nothing.
Then the farmer says, “Pull, Buddy, pull!” And the horse drags the car out of the ditch.
Curious, the motorist asks the farmer why he kept calling his horse by the wrong name.
“Buddy’s blind,” said the farmer. “And if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn’t even try.”
A
talking horse shows up at Dodger Stadium and persuades the manager to let him try out for the team.
In his first at bat, the horse rips the ball deep into right field—then just stands there.
“Run! Run!” the manager screams.
“Run?” says the horse. “If I could run, I’d be in the Kentucky Derby.”
— CHARLES LEERHSEN
A
guy finds a sheep wandering in his neighborhood and takes it to the police station. The desk sergeant says, “Why don’t you just take it to the zoo?”
The next day, the sergeant spots the same guy walking down the street—with the sheep.
“I thought I told you to take that sheep to the zoo,” the sergeant says.
“I know what you told me,” the guy responds. “Yesterday I took him to the zoo. Today I’m taking him to the movies.”
— TAMARA CUMMINGS
A
n orangutan in the zoo has two books—the Bible and Darwin’s Origin of Species . He’s trying to figure out if he’s his brother’s keeper—or his keeper’s brother.
— SAMUEL J. STANNARD
The first thing I noticed about the pickup truck passing by the grocery store was the goofy-looking pooch sitting in the passenger seat wearing goggles.
The second thing was the rear bumper sticker, which read,
“Dog is my copilot.”
— ANNA COOPER
C
arrying two dead raccoons, a buzzard tries to check in at LAX for the red-eye to New York. “Sorry, sir,” says the ticket agent. “We allow only one item of carrion.”
— JANET HUGHES
S
taring at an empty cage, a zoo visitor asks, “Where are all the monkeys?”
“It’s mating season,” the keeper replies. “They’re inside.”
“Do you think they’d come out for peanuts?”
“Would you?”
— DENNIS RICKMAN
T
wo men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went looking for a grizzly. He soon found one. Taking aim, he fired his rifle, nicking the bear. Enraged, it charged the hunter, chasing him back to the cabin. As the hunter reached the open cabin door, he slipped and fell. The bear tripped over him and rolled into the cabin. The man leaped up, slammed the cabin door shut, and yelled to his friend inside, “You skin this one while I go get another!”
A rabbit and a duck went to dinner. Who paid the bill?
The duck—he had the bill.
“C
an I purchase frogs for my new pond here?” a customer asked at our garden center.
“You don’t buy frogs,” I explained. “They just sort of choose where they live, then turn up.”
“Right…” agreed the gentleman. “And is the same true with fish?”
— SAMANTHA DAVIS
A
garden center customer picks up a container of insecticide and asks the salesperson, “Is this good for red ants?”
“No,” says the salesperson. “It’ll kill ’em!”
— DONALD CLEMENTS
A
kangaroo orders a beer. He puts down a $20 bill.
The bartender gives him $1 in change and says, “Don’t see a lot of kangaroos in here.”
“At these prices,” says the kangaroo, “I’m not surprised.”
— CHARLES LEERHSEN
J
ust as I was finishing my hike at Carl Sandburg National Historic Site in North Carolina, I heard a group of campers discussing recent bear sightings.
“If you meet a bear, don’t run,” one person said.
His friend seemed surprised. “Really? Why?”
“Because,” I interjected, “bears like fast food.”
— DENISE EDEN
“W
hat is that sound?” a woman visiting our nature center asked.
“It’s the frogs trilling for a mate,” Patti, the naturalist, explained. “We have a pair in the science room. But since they’ve been together for so long, they no longer sing to each other.”
The woman nodded sympathetically. “The trill is gone.”
— KATHYJO TOWNSON
W
hen a lonely frog consults a fortune-teller, he’s told not to worry. “You are going to meet a beautiful young girl,” she says, “and she will want to know everything about you.”
“That’s great!” says the excited frog. “When will I meet her?”
“Next semester,” says the psychic, “in biology class.”
— ZHANG WENYI
D
uring a trip to the zoo, we saw a sign posted next to the empty polar bear exhibit stating that the bear had died after eating a glove.
“The poor polar bear,” remarked the woman standing next to us.
Her husband’s slightly different reaction: “The poor guy wearing the glove.”
>
— MELINDA ERICKSON
Spotted outside a veterinary hospital in Clinton, Utah:
“Happy Father’s Day! Neutering Special.”
— SHARON NAUTA STEELE
T
he highlight of our zoo trip was a peacock showing off its plumage. My four-year-old son was particularly taken with it. That evening he couldn’t wait to tell his father: “Dad, guess what! I saw a Christmas tree come out of a chicken!”
— CAROL HOWARD
B
uffalo were roaming the range when a tourist passed by.
“Those are the mangiest-looking beasts I’ve ever seen!” he exclaimed.
One buffalo turned to another and said, “I think I just heard a discouraging word.”
— JONATHAN BELL
I
t’s really humid in the woods, so the two hiking buddies remove their shirts and shoes. But when they spot a sign saying “Beware of bears,” one of them stops to put his shoes back on.
“What’s the point?” the other says. “You can’t outrun a bear.”
“Actually,” says his friend, “all I have to do is outrun you.”
— DON PAQUETTE
A
farmer wonders how many sheep he has in his field, so he asks his sheepdog to count.
“So what’s the verdict?" the farmer asks when the dog is done.
“Forty.”
“Huh?” the farmer says, puzzled. "I only had 38."
“I know," the dog says. "But I rounded them up."
Life in These Times
Laughter Really Is the Best Medicine: America's Funniest Jokes, Stories, and Cartoons Page 7
