“She’s not in,” he said. “She’s gone out for a paint job and a realignment.”
— ARLENE SHOVALD
A
fter giving birth, I couldn’t lose the 40 pounds I’d gained. So I dragged my husband to the mall in search of more flattering clothes. We were encouraged by a sign over a rack of suits: “Instantly hides 10 pounds!”
“Look,” he said. “You just need to buy four of these.”
— CINDY DAYE
“P
urpose of visit?” asked the customs agent as we approached a checkpoint at the Canada-U.S. border.
“We’re going to a wedding,” my wife said.
“Are you carrying any weapons—knives, guns?” he asked.
“No,” she said. “It’s not that kind of wedding.”
— MARTIN JAGODZINSKI
Traveling is a major part of my wife’s job as a saleswoman, and it’s not unheard-of for her to visit four or five cities in one week. I hadn’t thought too much of it until she returned wiped out from her last long business trip.
As her head hit the pillow, she sighed,
“It’s so nice to be sleeping in my own bed, with my own husband.”
— DAVID HARRISON
T
he manager of a jewelry store nabs a shoplifter trying to steal a necklace. “Listen,” the crook says, “you don’t want any trouble, and neither do I. What do you say I just buy the necklace and we forget this ever happened?”
The manager agrees and writes up a sales slip.
“You know,” says the crook, “this is more than I wanted to spend. Got anything less expensive?”
— ROSEMARY COVERT
M
y brother and I were stopped at a red light when a landscaping truck drove past, its entire back laden with fresh green sod.
“Wow,” he deadpanned. “I wish I had enough money to send my lawn out to get cut.”
— MICHAEL VONDRAK
T
he barber’s client looked depressed, so the barber told him, “Cheer up. I knew a guy who owed $5,000 he couldn’t pay. He drove his vehicle to the edge of a cliff, where he sat for over an hour. A group of concerned citizens heard about his problem and passed a hat around. Relieved, the man pulled back from the cliff’s edge.”
“Incredible,” said the client. “Who were these kind people?”
“The passengers on the bus.”
— PATRICK BROOME
A
fter my four-year-old and I turned the department store upside down looking for a bathing suit for me, we finally found a black-and-white one-piece that we both liked. I tried on the suit and modeled it for her. It was a hit.
“Mommy, you look so pretty!” she squealed. “You look just like Shamu the whale.”
— LORI RHODES
D
uring my physical fitness class, I had everyone lie on their backs with their legs up as if pedaling a bike. After several minutes one man suddenly stopped.
“Why did you stop pedaling?” I shouted.
“I didn’t stop,” he said, wheezing. “I’m coasting.”
— HENRY BOTWINICK
“I
’ll never find the right guy,” I heard the young guest at the wedding shower sigh.
“Don’t give up,” urged an older woman. “Every pot has a lid.”
“Or,” a cynical voice behind her offered, “you could just be a skillet.”
— GEORGIANNA GUTHRIE
M
y sister and I decided to reframe a favorite photograph of our mother and father from when they were dating, some 60 years ago. After removing the picture from the frame, I turned it over, hoping to find a date. I didn’t. Instead, my mother had written, “128 lbs.”
— JEAN TATE
W
hile stationed in Germany in the mid-’70s, I was the driver for Canada’s Chief of Defence while he attended a conference in Belgium. After the conference, I drove the general back to Germany.
At the border, German Customs asked for our passports. The officer took them and sat in his booth, staring at us for 15 minutes. The general was about to make inquiries when the customs officer finally nodded at me to drive on.
When I got home, my wife asked if there had been any problems on the trip. I started to tell her about the incident at the border when she interrupted, asking if I’d looked at my passport lately.
“Uh, no,” I answered.
If I had, I would have noticed my wife’s picture staring back at me: I’d accidentally grabbed her passport before leaving.
— JOE WALSH
My wife left the car unattended for only a minute, but it was long enough for our two-year-old to climb in, throw the car into reverse and crash into a lamppost. He was fine, but the car wasn’t, and I had a hard time explaining who was behind the wheel to the insurance company.
After a pause, the adjuster asked, “Do you let him drive often?”
— DON LEE
O
ur lease on our house was coming to an end and I was trying to decide where we should move. Since my three kids are teens, I felt they should have a say in the decision, so, over the course of a few months, I bombarded them with questions as to where they wanted to live. It became apparent that I had caused some confusion when I noticed a box I’d packed and left in the dining room. On the box I had marked CHINA in large bold letters.
Someone had scribbled a note to the side—“NOT moving there!”
— KAREN BIRCH, CALGARY
A
s a flight attendant, I always give this advice: “Folks, make up your mind about what you’re going to do before entering the lavatory, because once you close that door, there’s no turning around.”
— JULIE ELROD
W
ith the crowded quarters in coach, I can’t blame airplane passengers for asking flight attendants for free upgrades to first class. On a recent fully booked flight, a passenger stopped me with hat in hand.
“Is there any way I can get bumped up to first class?” he pleaded.
I shook my head. “Not unless we hit turbulence.”
— SUZANNE RICKABAUGH
A
new study says there is no connection between breathing recirculated airplane air and catching colds. There is, however, a strong connection between breathing recirculated airplane air and losing your luggage.
— GREGG SIEGEL
D
id you hear that the world’s biggest optimist fell out a window on the 79th floor? As he sailed past the 20th floor, he was overheard saying, “Doing okay so far!”
— DANIEL KING
I
doubt if there’s a state where my friend’s parents, Bud and Beth, haven’t traveled in their camper. They bought a new RV, and to celebrate, their son-in-law gave them a plaque to hang on the outside.
It reads “Bud, Beth and Beyond.”
— KAREN MANSOR
I
recently called the library to ask what research material they had on the Renaissance artist Donatello. After giving me some book and Web titles, the librarian sheepishly added another bit of interesting information.
“I have to confess, I couldn’t remember how to spell Donatello,” she said. “So I went into our search engine and typed in Ninja Turtles.”
— RYAN JUGUETA
T
he biggest loser at my weight-loss club was an elderly woman. “How’d you do it?” we asked. “Easy,” she said. “Every night I take my teeth out at six o’clock.”
— CATHY J. SCHREIMA
A
bicyclist came whizzing down a steep hill and smashed into a car as I stood there watching in horror. I ran over to see if I could help and discovered the wild rider was a friend of mine, an attorney.
I knew he was going to be just fine when the first words out of his mouth were, “Did the driver admit he was at fault?”
— GRETCHEN HUMPHREY
U
nlike many other pr
ofessionals, my parents, both mathematics professors, can’t seem to leave their work in the classroom. Recently I witnessed the following conversation.
Mom: Has my midsection gotten larger?
Dad: Yes.
Mom: Since exactly when?
Dad: I don’t know. It’s a continuous function. But it became statistically significant about six months ago.
— PRIYANKA BASAK
Scary business headline:
“Air Traffic Controllers Can Apply for Job in Braille”
— THISISPLYMOUTH.CO.UK
F
red comes home from his usual Saturday golf game. “What a terrible day,” he tells his wife. “Harry dropped dead on the tenth tee.”
“Oh, that’s awful!” she says.
“You’re not kidding,” says Fred. “For the whole back nine, it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry…”
— CRAIG CHEEK
T
he flight I was piloting to Cleveland was overbooked. So the gate agent came aboard with an offer. In exchange for deplaning, two volunteers would get free hotel rooms, meal vouchers and tickets on the next morning’s flight. When nobody volunteered, I decided to try a little levity.
“Ladies and gentlemen,” I said over the PA, “if it helps, I’m not a very good pilot.”
A loud voice from the back yelled, “Then YOU get off!”
— QUINCY NELSON
H
arry asks his friend Larry to help him with something. “I think the blinker signal on my car is broken,” he says. “Stand behind the car. When I turn it on, tell me if the blinker’s working.”
Larry situates himself behind the car while Harry gets in the driver’s seat and hits the blinker.
“Is it working?” he yells back.
“Yes!” says Larry. “No! Yes! No! Yes! No…”
“I
am a Yankees fan,” a first-grade teacher explains to her class. “Who likes the Yankees?”
Everyone raises a hand except one little girl. “Janie,” the teacher says, surprised. “Why didn’t you raise your hand?”
“I’m not a Yankees fan.”
“Well, if you are not a Yankees fan, then what team do you like?”
“The Red Sox,” Janie answers.
“Why in the world are you a Red Sox fan?”
“Because my mom and dad are Red Sox fans.”
“That’s no reason to be a Red Sox fan,” the teacher replies, annoyed. “You don’t always have to be just like your parents. What if your mom and dad were morons? What would you be then?”
“A Yankees fan.”
— TOM ZAHN
G
randpa is a late convert to the technological age. The other day, he called my father to complain that he couldn’t use his printer: “The screen says ‘Warming Up.’ ”
Dad ran over there, only to find half the printer melted. “What happened?” he asked.
“I don’t know,” said Grandpa. “But even the space heater didn’t help.”
— AARON ATHERTON
A
s the teleconference with our London branch concluded, my British colleague suggested that we continue our meeting the next day.
“Sorry,” I said. “Tomorrow’s July 4th, and the office will be closed.”
“Ah, yes, Independence Day,” he said. “Or as we refer to it over here, Thanksgiving.”
— DALE JENKINS
I
had to voice my concern when a coworker said she found dates using the Internet.
“Don’t worry about me,” she said. “I always insist we meet at a miniature golf course.”
“Why there?” I asked.
“First, it’s a public spot,” she said. “Second, it’s in broad daylight. And third, I have a club in my hand.”
— LINDA AKINS
Why is Cinderella bad at sports?
Because she has a pumpkin for a coach, and she runs away from the ball.
— SEAN MCELWEE
Following his motivational talk at a Weight Watchers meeting, my father noticed one client’s small son climbing onto a scale.
“Don’t go on that, Joey,” warned the boy’s slightly older brother.
“It makes people cry.”
— CARTER DICKERSON
M
y husband was booking a business flight when the reservation clerk gave him a choice of seats: behind the bulkhead or in Shakespeare’s chair.
A seasoned traveler, my husband was confused. “Shakespeare’s chair? What’s that?”
“You know,” said the operator. “2B.”
— HOLLY RIDLEY
M
y mother lacks a green thumb, but she keeps at it. Pointing one day to a line of new plants by the kitchen window, my sister whispered to me, “Look—death row.”
— MICHAEL KNIGGE
A
s a new member of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police, I attended a ceremony where a light lunch was served. Ready to leave, I walked towards the garbage can to throw out my plate and some leftover turkey. Our commanding officer happened to be standing near the garbage can and jokingly said to me, “Eat your meat; it’s good for you.”
I took a few steps backward to figure out what to do when the member standing next to him said, “Sir, she only has two months service. If you told her to, she would eat her plate!”
— DIANE MACDONALD
Canada Post has just issued a stamp to commemorate jury duty. It’s being sold in packs of 12 with two alternates.
— BEN WALSH
D
uring the January playoffs, my husband lapses into a football-fan coma. Once, I left him to watch our 13-month-old daughter. “Honey, put Izabelle down for her nap,” I said. “But not for more than an hour.”
When I got back, he was watching a game and the baby was napping. “When did she go to sleep?” I asked.
Still staring at the screen, he mumbled, “Halfway through the third quarter.”
— NORA BRYSON
E
veryone in our neck of the woods knows that trailer parks and tornadoes are not a good mix. So my brother-in-law wasn’t the least bit surprised when the lead story on our local news was about a tornado wiping out a mobile-home factory.
“Look at that,” he said. “Got them in the larval stage.”
— PETE MAY
O
ne of the players on our junior high football team never saw action in a game. But my brother, the assistant coach, liked the kid and always gave him pep talks.
“Remember, Ben,” he told him, “everyone on this team has an important role. There is no I in team. ”
“True,” said the boy. “But there is a Ben in bench .”
— ALICIA ELLEY
I
’m not into exercising. Yesterday my wife said, “Let’s walk around the block.” I said, “Why? We’re already here.”
— COMIC WENDELL POTTER
M
y grandfather hates television. Ask him and he’ll tell you that the tube is stultifying and addictive. The plug-in drug, he calls it.
Not long ago, Grandpa discovered my five-year-old brother, Frankie, watching TV with his nose practically on the screen. Appalled, he called me over.
“Look!” he shouted, pointing to Frankie. “Now he’s snorting it.”
— WENDY DAVIS
Laughter Really Is the Best Medicine: America's Funniest Jokes, Stories, and Cartoons Page 14
