She thought he’d abandoned her. “Em, I was with my mother. She was getting chemo today. She came out before you did, and I couldn’t make her wait with her feeling so sick.”
“Oh…” Emily sniffed and let out a sort of stifled sob.
He stared harder into the dark void, trying to focus on her face. “Are you crying?”
“No…” Despite the denial, her answer came on a deep, shuddering breath.
“Don’t you dare cry,” Nate said, as panic jabbed him in the gut. “I have to stay over here and I can’t comfort you.”
“Because you don’t trust yourself?”
“Right.”
“Oh, don’t mind me,” she said, scrubbing her face. “I’ve been spritzing like a sprinkler system ever since the wedding. I don’t know how to turn the tears off now.”
He should have chased her down. Hang her sensitivity; she’d needed a sounding board. “I’m sorry I made you talk about it.”
“No, I needed to deal with the truth.” The swing squeaked as she leaned forward. “I’ve been telling myself everything was okay, but I was trying to ignore reality, which took away the one thing that made me happy. They took the voices.”
“Voices? What voices?”
“The ones in my head.”
Say what? “You hear voices?”
“Not like that.” Emily pointed to her temple. “The characters. They live in here. At least until I get them on paper, but after Colin—” She paused for breath. “After everything, they disappeared.”
“Because he broke your heart?”
The swing creaked again as Emily got up and approached the railing. Rather than do the smart thing and back up, Nate stood his ground.
“No. I mean, yes. Colin did break my heart, but what destroyed me was knowing no one in my family seemed to care that I’d been ripped apart.”
“I’m sorry.”
“I’m so tired of no one caring about me,” she whispered. “When I came out of the exam room and you were gone—”
Emily thought he hadn’t cared enough to wait for her. Before Nate could process the notion of her wanting him to care, she brushed a hand through his hair. A strangled groan sprang past his lips, and he reached for her hand.
“Ow!” Emily gasped. “Bad hand!”
“Sorry!” He loosened his hold but didn’t let go. “Where did the spider bite you?”
She pointed to the fleshy skin at the base of her thumb and first finger. Nate pressed his lips to the injured place, and felt the heat of the infected wound.
Emily gasped again but made no attempt to pull away.
“I wanted to wait,” Nate said. “I would have waited forever. My heart collapsed when you passed out, and it didn’t start again until you came to. I left my mother asleep in her bed because I had to see if you were all right.”
“Really?”
He hooked his other hand behind her neck and pulled her closer. “Really.”
Okay, not part of the plan. Didn’t go with the get-in-get-out rule. Kissing Emily was like touching a firecracker. Explosions and fire and sparks. Thankfully there was a railing between them. Even then the urge to jump over the barrier almost took hold.
He let her go. She swayed closer, trying to capture his lips again, but he pulled away. Even though it killed him.
“Why couldn’t you be one of those guys who makes love to forget pain?” Emily asked on a laugh. “Or to help me forget?”
“That’s sort of the point,” Nate said. “Making love shouldn’t be about forgetting pain or revenge or feeling better for a few moments. You’d still feel bad when it was over, plus there would be awkwardness and guilt.”
“I wouldn’t feel guilty.”
“I would. I can’t dishonor you that way.”
“An old-fashioned man,” she said, sifting her fingers through his hair. “Sweet, but frustrating. You couldn’t have picked a religion with lower standards for intimacy?”
“I didn’t pick God. He chose me.”
Her brow furrowed. “Why?”
The remark made him laugh. “I have no idea. Not because of anything I ever did.”
“Strange.” She straightened. “Go on then. I wouldn’t want to tarnish your honor.”
“Yeah. I shouldn’t leave Zach alone with Mom much longer anyway.”
“Always the hero.”
He stepped back, breaking the contact between them, and immediately felt the loss of her warmth. He walked away, wondering if he was crazy to keep turning her down. Most men would have dragged her up the narrow stairs to the garage apartment and spent all night doing everything his fevered brain could imagine.
No, the crazy thing would be to start a relationship when there was no hope of it going anywhere. They’d end up hurting each other, and he’d sooner have a hundred man-eating spiders bite him than hurt Emily Sinclair. She’d already been hurt enough by Colin the idiot professor and the rest of her family. Once upon a time, he’d believed love was enough to remove the social and economic barriers between people. He’d been proven wrong the one time he’d taken a chance. He couldn’t let himself go down that road again.
Not even if the road was so enticing.
Chapter Twenty-One
Rachel Cooper wanted to celebrate what would most likely be her last birthday with friends and family. Emily understood the sentiment, but didn’t know how she would survive the party without bawling like a baby. Which is what she told Rachel upon arriving at the house to help set up.
“Honey, it’s a perfect day,” Rachel said in her wise and gentle way. “I’m still here. I feel good today, and I want to focus on the gifts I’ve been given. My time is almost up, and I plan to enjoy every minute I have left.”
Emily couldn’t argue with such logic. She and Grace had driven over together, but the other woman had disappeared into the kitchen with Anna some time ago. Emily somehow wound up in charge of decorating the house, which made her laugh. She’d never been allowed to decorate anything at home. Not since her fifth birthday party when she broke Great Grandmother Sinclair’s crystal serving bowl in an attempt to help.
Rachel should be safe since she had no crystal to break. Her decorations consisted of paper products bought at the local Piggly Mart. Store-bought treasures like cutout happy birthday banners, streamers and colorful balloons. Emily twined purple and white streamers and taped them up so they draped around the living room. She blew up balloons until her cheeks hurt and taped those up as well.
“I’ve always loved balloons,” Rachel said.
Emily agreed. Balloons screamed festive. She tried to picture her mother’s elegant townhouse draped in streamers and could only imagine Vanessa Sinclair’s horrified expression. Emily grinned at the thought.
“Something funny?” Rachel asked.
“My life is pretty funny.”
A matching smile lit up Rachel’s face. “I’m glad you can laugh at yourself. Most people never learn how.”
“One of my best talents is recognizing the absurdity around me, even if I’m the cause of it.”
Emily dragged the stepladder across the room and taped more streamers to the ceiling. Fortunately, she didn’t have to reach too high. Falling would be par for the course for her.
“Climbing ladders again, Emily? I thought you’d learned your lesson.”
She looked over her shoulder and about toppled over for real when she saw Nate leaning against the doorway. She caught herself before being humiliated once again.
“Nathan, aren’t you supposed to be at the Carson’s house today?” Rachel asked.
“Finished early,” he said, strolling over to kiss his mother’s cheek. “Thought I’d see what needed doing for tonight.”
Rachel nodded her head in Emily’s direction. “You remember Emily Sinclair, right? Of course you do. You snuck out of the house the other night to see her.”
A strangled cough erupted from Nate’s throat. “I thought you were asleep.”
“I was until I he
ard the car drive off. I asked Zach where you’d gone, and he said probably to see that writer.”
“I ran into her at the ER while you were getting treatment,” Nate said, not meeting Emily’s eyes. “She’d been bitten by a spider and had a bad reaction.”
Rachel regarded Emily with obvious concern. “I hope it wasn’t serious?”
Emily held up her hand and wiggled her fingers, something she hadn’t been able to do yesterday. “I’m good now.”
Rachel addressed her son again. “You could help Emily with the balloons and things. She’s so tiny she can barely reach anything.”
“Hey, I do all right,” Emily said.
Nate shifted on his feet, still refusing to glance in her direction. “I’m sure she can do fine on her own. A paper cut from those streamers is probably the worst she could do to herself.”
“Funny,” Emily retorted. “And not nice.”
“You have to admit, you’re not very handy,” he said, finally looking in her direction.
Emily gestured to the room in general. “Did you miss my fabulous efforts in here?”
“Right. You’re a wizard at party decorations, which means you don’t need my help. I’m going to get more chairs out of the attic.”
He fled before either woman could protest. Emily stared at the empty space where he’d been standing, wondering what had happened to the guy who’d said he would’ve waited forever to see her. The man who’d kissed her injured hand and then blown her mind with a different kind of kiss. She’d spent the rest of the night tossing and turning. The least he could do was acknowledge her presence in the light of day.
Men.
“Nathan doesn’t let people in easily,” Rachel said.
Emily swung around. “What?”
“Nate. He’s not an easy person to get to know.”
“No kidding.”
Rachel’s soft chuckle made Emily squirm. “I see you’ve discovered this already.”
“I guess it’s because of his dad leaving.”
“He told you about his father?” Rachel asked in surprise. “Nathan doesn’t talk about him. At least not with me.”
Emily climbed down off the stepladder and moved her perch to a new position. “Maybe he thinks it would hurt you too much,” she said, trying not to sound like she was fishing for information.
“I should have made him talk. I always had the feeling he blamed himself. It was just so hard. I felt like such a failure when Dale left. Like I was half a woman.”
“One thing you are not is a failure. Your husband failed you and his sons.”
“I realize that now,” Rachel said, her expression weighed down by decades of sadness. “Took me years to get over it. Actually, it took my diagnosis. Dying has a way of clearing your head and cleansing your heart. I forgave him.”
Emily plopped herself down on the top step of the ladder. “How could you forgive him?”
“Dale is just a man. He made a lot of mistakes—”
“Yeah, like abandoning his wife and kids. I don’t call that a mistake. It’s criminal neglect.”
“Yes, but I also sensed personal demons drove him. He was never able to confide in me, but I knew there was something terrible in his past.”
“So that makes what he did all right? He suffered, so it’s okay to just disappear?”
“No, of course not.”
“But how did you forgive him? I’m not sure I could.”
“I prayed. I remembered that God forgave me for my sins when I didn’t deserve it, so how could I do less for Dale? Besides, letting go of the anger became part of my therapy. When my doctor told me—” She stopped, and for the first time, Emily saw utter despair grip her friend. Rachel’s voice wavered as she began again. “I didn’t want to leave this world and face God with bitterness in my heart. So, I made peace with Dale and with myself.”
“You’re much stronger than I am,” Emily said.
“God gave me the strength. It was the only way. In fact — No, I probably shouldn’t tell you. I haven’t told Nathan or Zach.”
“Tell me what?”
“I don’t want to make things awkward with Nate.”
Emily waved off the concern. She wanted information. “Please.”
Rachel allowed a smile. “I’d like to confide in someone. I couldn’t even tell Anna. She’d kill me before this cancer would.”
“What did you do?”
“I found him.”
Emily’s foot slipped off the ladder. “What? Your ex?”
“Careful,” Rachel said, clucking her tongue. “I wouldn’t be much help if you hurt yourself.”
Who cared about ladder safety? “When did you hear from him?” Emily asked, lowering her voice. “Have you seen him?”
“No, I hired someone. A detective. He found Dale within a couple weeks.”
“Where’s he been all these years?”
“I don’t know much. I only know he’s in Arizona right now. A little town north of Flagstaff.”
Emily climbed off the ladder and went to sit next to Rachel. “Did you call him?”
“No, I wasn’t that brave. I wrote a letter. Told him I was dying, and that I forgave him.”
“Have you heard anything?”
“No, but then I didn’t expect to. I just needed to let him know. What he does with the information is up to him.”
Emily took her hand. “Did you hope he’d come back and—”
“No,” Rachel said, though there were tears in her eyes. “I didn’t expect a happily ever after. At least not for me, but I did hope perhaps there could be one for the boys, especially for Nathan. Zach has never known a father, but Nathan is still haunted by Dale’s memory. I see it in the way he deals with other people. With women. And it only got worse after that girl.”
Wait… girl? “What girl?” Emily burst out before she could stop herself.
Rachel was too caught up in her own worry to hear Emily’s panic. “Nathan was engaged in Atlanta, but something happened. He never told me exactly what. If anything, Nate became even more withdrawn.”
There’d been a woman. A woman he’d loved. Who’d been the one to break it off? Did Nate still think about her? Could she be one of the reasons he kept backing off?
“Emily, are you all right?”
Shame crept over her, and Emily shook herself mentally. Nice. She couldn’t even concentrate on someone else’s problems for a few minutes.
“Sorry,” Emily said. “I was thinking about Nate and his relationship. I think it might explain some things.”
“Yes. I worry about him. I wonder if he’ll ever let someone in. I don’t want him to live like I did. It took a death sentence for me to let go of the bad feelings. I want more for my son. For both of them.”
Emily had often wondered where Rachel’s emotions had gone. How she could be so calm and collected about dying. Now Emily had found the chink in the woman’s armor. All of Rachel’s fears were reserved for her children. Understandable for a mother, especially when there was no one else in the picture. Even though Nate was an adult and Zach only a few years behind, she still worried about them being alone.
Emily wished she had the words to say. She, who made a living thinking up clever phrases and poetic verse, couldn’t think of a thing. So, she tried the one thing Rachel might understand and take comfort in.
“Mrs. Cooper, you’re always telling me God has a plan for everyone’s life, right?”
Rachel’s entire body trembled, as if the concern had drained what remained of her energy. “Yes.”
“I know Nate shares your faith. What about Zach?”
“Yes, they’re both believers.”
“Do you believe God loves your sons?”
“Of course.”
Emily touched Rachel’s cheek. “Then you have to trust that God has something in store for them. He knows what they need and He’ll provide it.”
Rachel leaned into Emily’s hand. “Thank you. I needed to be reminded. I know you
don’t quite get our faith.”
“I’m learning.”
Emily sensed bone deep weariness overtake her friend. “You’re worn out,” she said. “You should rest if you want to enjoy your party later.”
Rachel nodded. “I think I will.”
“Can I help you to bed?”
Anna appeared in the doorway as if on cue. “Thought you’d be wanting a nap soon. Work yourself into a state if you’re not careful.”
“You know me too well,” Rachel said.
“Yes, I do. Come on, love.” Anna surveyed the room. “Things look nice in here, Emily.”
“Do you need help in the kitchen?”
A flash of alarm flew across Anna’s wizened face. “No! I mean… you just keep on doing those streamers. Grace and I have the food under control.”
Okay, she’d had enough with the fear she was going to set fire to anything she touched. “You know, I didn’t actually burn anything down at the bakery. It was smoke mostly.”
“Honey, we’re better served with you decorating,” Anna said. “Too many cooks in the kitchen breeds trouble. If you finish in here, you might track down Nate and help him with the extra chairs.”
Anna disappeared with Rachel. Emily did her duty and hung streamers from every available surface within reach. Finally, she put down the paper products and went in search of something else to do. Grace and Anna were hard at work in the kitchen, but Emily was shooed away before she even had a chance to sample any of the goodies they were preparing.
Put out, Emily wandered to the back yard. Nate had found the extra chairs and was busy ridding them of dust and cobwebs. Cobwebs meant spiders, and Emily shuddered at the thought of going anywhere near one of those eight-legged creatures again.
She sucked up her courage and prepared to volunteer anyway. “Can I help?”
“I’ve got it covered,” Nate said, not looking up from the chair he was wiping down. “I’m sure Anna would recruit you.”
“No one will let me near anything with a burner.”
He kept to his task. “Yeah, don’t blame them actually.”
“Oh, come on,” she said, planting her hands on her hips. “Was there an explosion? Did anybody die?”
Imagine That Page 17
