Maddy xo
I slipped away after concentrating on the final words for that note, the medications kicked in and took hold of my body. Hours have passed and I now know that I survived and that I am alive. I am laying in a hospital room hooked up to a monitor. I stare up at the white square coverings above me and I slowly realize it is not clouds because these are all the same size. Now, I see they are ceiling tiles and begin to count the tiny patterns in them that are random. I add them up, and I now know that I can do numbers. I feel some relief at this thought. At least I know my brain is still functioning. I remember flashes of the truck, coming right at me. I dredge up the cries and they were both from Jillian and I that were so tragic. I cried out to her and her silence broke me more inside. I am questioning in my head, where Jillian is, and where are we. Mostly though what keeps swirling in my thought process is that I need Rand, please someone find him and bring him here. Is he already here?
The nurses walked in, two of them and I could see them looking at me with great concern. I was going in and out of consciousness and couldn’t stay alert enough to ask them anything. They checked my monitor and pressed some buttons. I saw one of them add another bag of liquid to the IV that was hanging next to me and she checked my forearm where there was a needle inserted into my skin with tape holding it in. I tried to turn my head but there were pillows or something with foam holding my head in a set position. They both conversed to one another as they covered me a bit with the sheet and folded the blanket halfway up on me. One of them adjusted the blinds and it was dark outside and it seems like it was just a moment ago I was walking through the sunlight at the park. With my bed looking toward the window I could see the streetlight in the parking lot just beyond illuminated. My lids fatigued and closed.
The sun was up and bright, I wasn’t sure if it was morning or midday, but I caught a glimpse of my mother walking out from my room. I saw the back of her head and she left but I didn’t get to speak to her. I had just woken and was still so drowsy, I felt so drained and again I couldn’t keep my lids opened. I fade off again. This time in my head, I remember getting hit. I yelled out, I cried, I felt the powerful thrust of a vehicle colliding with my body. It threw me. I tried to move, I felt the pinch in my arm from the needle, and I attempted to lift my head but the pain was so intense that I only brought it up an inch and then laid it back to the pillow. I heard the nurse next to me and she said, “There, there Madison let’s give you something to keep you resting comfortable.”
My body became calm. Another dream took over. I was remembering a long time ago when I was first asked to write an article for local bands. I really don’t want to do writing of up and coming bands, I was trying to put together another piece for my column that had more substance. I liked music though, so maybe it wouldn’t be too bad. I think the editor must have had a family member in one of the bands but wouldn’t share that with me. I gave in and said I would do the story.
It surprised me that there were many up and coming bands right in our local vicinity. I had a pile of music on my desk to listen to and various lists of the band names and their players. I decided to narrow it down to five local bands although all local bands would get exposure as I would list them all in the contents of the article. I wanted to find one that I could write about that stood out. It was the Rolling Isaac’s band that I kept coming back to. As I was still working on another column, each day I opened their band summary and glanced at the photograph of the musicians…Max Rand. As I put on their music and played it, my fingers started to dance across my keyboard with such precision. I couldn’t stop the feelings that rushed into me from their melody and lyrics. I also could not get Max Rand’s face out of my mind.
At dinner Thomas asked how my writing was going and I told him that I was working on a new piece about the bands. He listened as I went on and on, explaining that there was this one band that really stood out and that was the Rolling Isaac’s. Thomas commented that he had heard a few of their songs featured and he too agreed they were pretty good. As we spoke and ate our meal, I licked my lips removing the last taste of my meal, but also with a daydream of Max Rand. I thought of him focusing in on me and singing to me. I was one of an entire audience at a concert but felt like it was a solo performance. Thomas had to reach over and take my hand at the dinner table to make me come back to reality.
I found myself searching for more information on the band and anything else I could locate of Max Rand. I couldn’t understand how a file of rock bands to sift through had started to make me crazy, obsessive in trying to find out all about this young man. Max Rand was entirely captivating, and yes, younger than me. I don’t know why that thought ever crossed my mind. I do know that one evening I got home and Thomas was in the shower and as I decided to go in and join him, I thought for a moment that it was going to be Max Rand in there as I opened up the steamed glass door. When I opened the shower and walked in, Thomas told me he had a long day and was just finishing up. He kissed me as he grabbed his towel and walked out. I stood in the shower as the fog rose from the heated waters that sprayed down. I let myself go. My fingers traveled down my body and the sensation of the waters pulsing on my core, I helped myself along. I was seeking pleasure, my own contentment and as my eyes remained closed and the wetness dropped down my face. I saw one image clear in my mind, Max Rand. I wondered how his hand would feel touching me and there I was letting myself go in this fantasy. I was so wishing he was here in this moment. I let go, I felt bliss in that moment that shuttered from between my legs to my toes. I steadied myself in the shower and let out a moan.
Thomas had come back in the bathroom to ask me if I wanted wine with dinner and heard my whimper and asked me if I was okay. I hesitated for a moment realizing where I had just been and what I just finished doing to myself, and shouted to him that I was fine I just had the water too hot.
It was hot, just thinking about a man on paper. I studied his face so many days and played the music to the face that sang the songs. The newspaper ran the article and it became one of the best boosts to the sales for many local bands, but heightened that Rolling Isaac’s band to a new level. I remember getting a personal thank you card signed by the band and a nice enclosed letter from Maxwell their manager. It was accompanied by a lovely English Garden of flowers that I took home and glanced at almost every day. Looking at the loveliness of the flowers, all I could think about was the gorgeous face of Max Rand. I could not get him out of my head.
It was daylight now and I opened my eyes a bit and felt less pain until I turned my head. It felt like someone took a hammer and was there pounding. I knew I was in a hospital bed. I was still alive, the sun was shining and I knew there was a Max Rand out there and I knew that I had eventually met him, and fell in love with the real him. I knew that what was once a fantasy had come true.
Chapter Five – Doubt and Forgiveness
I heard through my closed eyes, “Come back to me, please come back…I Love you Madison…we have just begun our lives together, I need you, I am empty without you.” I cannot open my eyes as I am so weak, my lids will not open and my body is so sore, this is very painful. But as I fall back in the darkness of my dreams those words soothed me so.
I awake fluttering my lids for the first time in a long time what seemed hours later and I look across the room and see Killjoy there…what the???? Wow she is so pretty; I see her sitting with her long shapely legs in very tiny shorts dangling them over the side of the room chair looking up at the television pictures that are silenced.
Am I dreaming? I fade out again as quickly as I awoke…not sure how long I was out and when I again part my lids I see Killjoy in the arms of Rand, hugging him tightly in front of the chair I saw her lounging on earlier. I cannot believe that I have awoken to this vision. I try to clear my eyes that are tearing, filled from just the sight of them both here. Have they come to totally ruin me, to take every last breath from me? I ache so badly already and not just the pain from the accident, my heart
is twisted from seeing the two of them in all the internet feeds and photos. I close my eyes as they are too caught up in one another to notice I have even woken up. My heart monitor climbs as I know I am having a panic attack inside with them here in my hospital room wrapped in each other’s arms. I shut my eyes tightly to block this out of my view. I hear Rand close to me now. He is telling Killjoy to get a nurse that my monitor is beeping. He slides the pad of his thumb over my arm making circles near my IV. I feel him, I want him, I need him, but I bite the inside of my cheek to keep from reacting. I cannot open my eyes; I will not open my eyes, to see them together again.
The nurse is quick to respond and I feel her near me as she explains to Rand that she is checking the monitor and then she must have hit a button to silence it as it has stopped the beeping noise and she speaks to me, “Madison, Madison can you hear me?” I do not respond. I keep my eyes sealed tightly just like I have just licked an envelope and pressed it together. I feel Rand’s touch though lightly stoking along my arm. I tense with his every line drawn on my skin, but I don’t want to see him like this with her here, with Killjoy near. I am still so weak and I fight to keep my emotions hidden. Each stroke on my arm sends that warmth through me that I thought would always be there but I doubt it will be there ever again. There is something between the two of them that cannot be denied. My head slides down on the pillow as much as the padded cushion allow and again I fall back to sleep.
My room is silent and I peek open my eyes. My mother is sitting in the chair looking so worried. It’s later in the day, same day or next from my glance at the clock. I let out a moan and she is by my side. She starts to speak to me telling me that I came through a severe hit to my head and the doctors have been taking great care of me. She explained they have me on some medication to keep me resting and to reduce the pain. She then told me that Jillian survived the accident and was in another room down the hall. My mother seemed relieved and upbeat as she spoke about us two girls, pulling through this horrible ordeal. My eyes were fixed on her the entire time and my head was grasping as much as I could from her revisiting the whole accident from when she first got the call to moments ago. All I can respond back to her is, “Mom I am so glad you are here, I am so relieved Jillian is going to be alright, that she is alive. But Mom I hurt so bad, I awoke earlier and saw them together, Mom I think Rand is cheating on me with Killjoy.”
Moist droplets are filling my eyes and my mother pulls her chair closely and takes my hand and says, “Madison please concentrate on getting better, we’ll deal with anything else later. I know that Kill girl flew in with him and Raeford and hasn’t left his side since their arrival.” She added, “You need to be honest with yourself and him and if you feel there is something going on or starting with them, and you have doubt, you need to ask him when you are able, but I feel he does love you. He looks so drained and concerned and several days ago when he arrived and you were in surgery he was beside himself. He could not forgive himself for not being here sooner.” She sat with me for a long time and we didn’t talk, we just communicated in our glances between mother and daughter. My mother said sometime later that I needed rest and now that I was stable she was going to join my Uncle Jake in the waiting room and tell others there that I was waking up. It was moments after she walked from my side my eyes were so heavy, I fought to keep them open, but fatigue won and my eyes closed.
Not sure if it was the medication keeping me slightly sedated but when I next opened my eyes the time on the clock is four o’clock in the morning. My room is dimly lit. I see on the bed next to my hand a dark head of tangled hair and I see that Rand is lying slumped over sleeping in a very awkward position. I don’t see Killjoy anyplace in the room as I look about to make certain she is not here. Perhaps I was dreaming that she was here, but it seemed so real. I have to laugh that my mother called her Kill girl. I look and see that Rand is still holding the pad of his thumb on my IV area just like I had envisioned before.
“Thirsty, I’m so thirsty” I speak in a raspy voice through my tender throat. I cannot swallow too well. Rand shakes his head; he’s not quite awake yet but says, “Madison?” I lift my IV hand to his and rub his slowly. As he turns waking up toward me, he looks so tired, so beaten. I want to ask him if he looks this way because of the guilt of being with her, possibly feeling sorry for me, but I am not sure if I’m ready to talk to him about Killjoy yet. He reaches up to my face and blocks my view from everything but his face closing into mine. He is wearing a shadow from not shaving and it scratched my face as he turns and begins to kiss me with desperation. I turn my cheek away from him and tears flow from my eyes and everything including his close proximity blur to me.
“Madison, I thought I lost you. I couldn’t think of ever losing you.” He pulls back slowly from my face and wipes my matted hair behind my ear and kisses my forehead resting there and breathing lightly on my skin. I feel the tears that are coming from my brow line and I know that he is crying. Rand is so emotional. I feel a slight heave in his breathing as he still has not removed himself from my forehead area. “I love you so much, but…” He stops in his thought as the door opened and it was someone looking to visit another patient. Before we were interrupted by this person, I wanted to hear him finish what he was saying. I know I was weak but I was hanging on his last bit of our conversation. My thoughts are wondering, but what? What does he want to say that he could not? I am too weak to respond. He lifts up and walks to the other side of the room and brings to me a cup with water and a straw and holds it to my lips that are cracked and dry. I take a sip and feel this liquid flow through my mouth and I swallow it savoring its wetness. I lick my lips with moist water and Rand takes the cup and leans in and takes his tongue and traces my lips with it so slowly, that I tremble. I drank in his lips. I give in and give my head a slight lift toward him to kiss him, and I let him enter my mouth and I kiss him too out of desperation, or if my visions were correct this could be our permanent separation.
The nightly nurse is too timely tonight as she enters and stops our kissing abruptly. She clears her throat, “Rand you have to leave now, it is past visiting hours and she needs her rest.” Rand turns to her and in a quick motion he is lying next to me and says, “I’m not leaving her, you can call security, but I need to be right here.” She looks at me and I nod that it is fine that he stays and I rest my head on his shoulder as I slightly move and we get comfortable lying next to one another.
“Madison, he has slept here the past few nights. This is the first time I have seen him actually lie in a bed. I have seen him in the chair, out in the waiting room and on the edge of your bed hunched over. There is something so endearing in his blue eyes that make me cave on our hospital rules. Well, your monitor looks great. You are out of the woods now my dear. You did have us worried for a bit, but you are very strong.” As she exits, she turns off the dim light and we are left surrounded in the night’s darkness only lit by the colors on my monitor. Tucked gently into Rand, I feel his comfort and I only hope I am so wrong about what I may have seen earlier. “I love you Rand, I feel so tired.” My eyes are heavy and I slip into sleep.
As the sun shines in the room, I awake to Rand who never left my side. He climbs off and slowly stretches. He is in desperate need of a shower, clean clothes a shave and a meal. “Rand, why don’t you get cleaned up here, I’m not going anywhere soon.” He smiles and leans into me and sweeps my hair from my face and kisses me so gently.
“Yeah, okay, Killjoy hooked me up packing me clean clothes. I won’t be long.” As he gathers his bag and enters the bathroom, I smile and then it turns to a scowl as the door closes. In my mind I want to know why Killjoy would be bringing him a bag of clothes. Why is she taking care of him? I know that she is in fact here, not actually in my room but in the area. Hell, she could be right outside my hospital door.
As my thoughts wander, I remember what I heard the doctors saying while I laid barely conscious. I think I heard them clear enough as they said, “So sa
d that she had to lose the baby.” I remember seeing them in my doorway. Had I been pregnant with Rand’s child? Wasn’t this just perfect timing that here I lost his child before he even had to know and he was already beginning to move on with Killjoy. I don’t think I will share the doctor’s conversation with him, at least not now, and I have a sudden sadness that I am feeling that I may have lost our child, a baby. Not that we planned at this time to have a baby but where we were in our relationship, we could have adapted quickly to making a baby together. At least I could have loved a baby, his baby.
Love Notes ((Book Two of the Heartbeat Series)) Page 6
