She kept looking at me from across the room. I could tell she was worried about me. She didn’t have to be. It wasn’t her job anymore. That was my fault.
There was something else about her though. The look in her eyes. It was the look she had when we were together. The look that made my heart swoon. She made me feel like I was floating in air. Like I could do anything when she was looking at me.
Maybe I was imagining it. I had to be. She was with Cary.
I walked into the kitchen. I saw from the window that Elizabeth was outside smoking. Some things never changed.
I decided against my better judgement to go outside. I needed some air. It wasn’t for Elizabeth.
“Those will kill you,” I said to her.
She smirked at me. “A lot of things in this world will kill you.”
I looked away from her. “You’re not wrong there.”
“Here to yell at me some more?” Elizabeth asked. “I know I deserve it.”
“You do deserve it. But no. I’m not.”
“I’m shocked.”
“Don’t be. I just don’t have the energy to tell you off today.”
“You may get your smarts from your Dad, but that fire in your gut, that’s all me.”
“Fire in the gut isn’t the only thing I got from you. As much as I hate to admit it, I’m just like you. I became just like you.”
She put her cigarette out and looked at me in confusion. “How so?”
“You leave. I leave. It’s kind of my specialty now. I became you.”
She looked at me with what I could only assume was compassion. I couldn’t remember a time when I’d seen compassion on her face. “This about that girl of yours? Hope?”
I looked at her in shock. “How the hell do you know about Hope?”
“Your sister told me.”
Dammit Naomi.
“Julie, you don’t have to be like me. In fact, I don’t want you to be like me. I want better for you. I regret the choices I made in my life. I don’t want you to have regrets. Ultimately, I ended up alone and sad.”
I felt my face soften at her honesty. I didn’t like feeling angry, especially at someone that was supposed to be a person I could go to for love and support. Being mad at Elizabeth was exhausting. I wasn’t sure if I could do it anymore. What was the point of being angry? What good was it doing for me?
“You know you don’t have to be alone. You can choose to stick around. Maybe visit Naomi sometimes. I’d even be willing to sit down for a meal. I might still snipe at you sometimes, but I’d try not to.”
“If you didn’t, you wouldn’t be my daughter,” she said, smiling at me. “And the same goes for you. You can stay here and make up with that girlfriend of yours.”
“No, I can’t. I hurt Hope before. I don’t want to bring her into my life again. It would only be a matter of time before I hurt her again. It’s better that we move on and stay apart.”
“Are you sure about that?”
“Yeah,” I said. “Hope and I are over. There’s nothing there anymore.”
It couldn’t be further from the truth. It even felt wrong coming out of my mouth. There was a little voice in my head that kept reminding me that Hope was with Cary. She was happy. And in a few days, life would be back to normal. I would be alone.
Chapter 15—Hope
Nothing good ever came from eavesdropping, but there I was listening in on a conversation between Julie and her mom. I couldn’t help it. I needed to make sure Julie was okay and I knew that talking to her mother on a day like today could upset her. I hated to see Julie upset.
But what I heard ended up upsetting me instead. I heard what Julie said. There was nothing between us anymore. I ended a great relationship with Cary for nothing. Julie didn’t want to be with me. I don’t know why I thought things would be different this time. She left me for a reason.
She didn’t want to be with me then, and she doesn’t want to be with me now.
I bumped into someone on the way out. I sighed when I saw that it was Naomi.
“Hey, you okay?” she asked.
“Yeah, I’m fine.”
“No, you’re not.”
“Naomi, this shrink thing is really annoying.”
“It doesn’t take a shrink to realize you’re not okay. Besides, I know you. We may not be super close anymore, but there was a time when we had sleepovers every weekend. I know I’m not Julie, but you can talk to me too.”
I made a face. “That’s the thing, I can’t. It’s about your sister.”
“I had a feeling it would be.”
“Yeah, see. I’m just going to go.”
“Hope, our mother really did a number on Julie. She thinks she’s just like her.”
Yup, I heard that part too.
Naomi continued. “Only, I think what it really is, is that she’s afraid of the people she loves leaving her. She doesn’t want to be left again. She doesn’t want to feel that pain again, so she leaves first.”
“Makes sense,” I said.
“Yeah, but I know she does love you Hope.”
“I can’t put my heart out there again only to have Julie leave me again. I do love Julie. I always will. But I also love myself.”
From the look on Naomi’s face, she agreed with me. She just didn’t want to say it out loud.
Maybe I was being a coward in not telling Julie how much I still loved her. I didn’t see it that way though. I was protecting my heart.
Cary said that the heart was never wrong. Well, in my heart I knew there was no way I could get over Julie a second time.
Chapter 16—Julie
It was my last night in Chicago. I hadn’t seen Hope since the day of my father’s funeral. It was odd that she left without saying goodbye. I knew something had to be wrong for her to do that.
“I can’t believe you’re leaving tomorrow,” Matthew said. “Even Na is staying.”
“I know. But I have to get back to work. I’m still not finished with my residency.”
A huge part of me wanted to stay. Although, getting ignored by Hope was making it clear that I was doing the right decision in leaving. She was obviously busy with Cary. As she should be. They were together. Hope and I weren’t.
“What about Hope?” Matthew asked.
“Hope is happy with Cary.”
“And what about your happiness?”
“I’m happy that Hope is happy.”
“Julie.”
“Me leaving is for the best. The truth is I’m not sure that I can be just friends with Hope. I need to go back to New York. We need to have a couple states between us.”
“You’re being stupid.”
I smiled as we walked into the bar down the street from the hospital. A lot of the employees at the hospital gathered here after their shifts. I was kind of hoping to run into Hope. I wanted to at least say goodbye to her before I left.
“I don’t want to risk hurting Hope again,” I said. “Or myself.”
“Not being with Hope hurts everyone!”
I opened my mouth to utter a response, but then I saw Hope. She was sitting at the bar talking to some woman. FLIRTING with some woman was more like it.
I didn’t know why, but I felt angry. She was supposed to be with Cary. That’s why she wasn’t with me right now. That’s why she was ignoring my calls. Because she was with Cary.
It was either me or Cary. Not this orange haired bimbette.
I needed to get out of there before I caused a scene. I had no right to cause a scene since we weren’t together. But somehow, I still felt betrayed.
I walked out of the bar, ignoring the calls of my name that followed me as I went.
Chapter 17—Hope
“Julie!”
Julie kept walking ahead of me. It was raining outside. Not the best night to be chasing down your overly emotional ex-girlfriend.
“Julie just stop!”
“Leave me alone Hope. I have an early flight tomorrow morning.”
/> I stopped at the surprise I felt when she told me she was leaving tomorrow. I don’t know why I was surprised. I knew this was coming. That’s why I was in the bar drinking alone tonight. I was sad that I was losing Julie again. Only this time, I never really had her to begin with.
I snapped out of my surprised daze and ran after her. “Wait!”
“Why? You’re clearly busy.”
Was she seriously jealous of that girl? I didn’t even remember what her name was. She had no right to be jealous. We weren’t together. Technically, I could screw the planet and she couldn’t get jealous.
“You are so frustrating,” I yelled.
She spun around to glare at me, stopping the both of us abruptly. “I’m frustrating. You’re the one that’s supposed to have a girlfriend.”
“You have no right to be mad at me.”
“You’re right,” she said despondently. “I have no right to be mad at you. I left. And I’m leaving again. Nothing else to say.”
She continued walking. I followed close behind her. “You left me Julie. You don’t get to be mad at me for talking to some woman, that came up to me I might add. I’m not like you. I don’t sleep with everyone that bats their eyelashes at me.”
She stopped again. She looked at me with a hurt expression. I hated that I was the one to put that expression on her face. I didn’t want to hurt Julie. She was just making me so mad.
“That’s not fair. I have sex with people. That’s not a crime and it doesn’t make me a bad person. And as far as leaving is concerned, you know it was for my job. You’re the one that refused to go long-distance.”
She went to start walking again but turned back to glare daggers at me. “And it’s not every person that bats their eyes at me! Just some!”
“I wouldn’t do long-distance because I knew the reason you wanted to leave was because of me. You wanted to be alone.”
She sighed, her eyes turning glassy. “I…that’s not true. Leaving you was the hardest thing I ever had to do.”
“Then why did you?”
“I had to.”
“But why did you have to?”
She closed her eyes. She looked so defeated. “I don’t know.”
When she opened her eyes, tears escaped them. I cringed inwardly at the sight of Julie crying. “I don’t know. I can’t remember why I thought it was a good choice to leave you. To leave…” She stopped, her voice cracking. “I left. I didn’t visit, and I barely called, and I can’t even remember the last conversation I had with him.”
I pulled her into my arms, holding her tightly as she broke down in tears. This wasn’t just about us. This was about her dad. I had the feeling she hadn’t cried about him yet. She put on a brave face. It’s what Julie did. She tried to be strong for everyone. The problem with that was she bottled everything up inside. She was a ticking time bomb of emotions.
“Julie, it’s okay to be upset. I’m upset, and he wasn’t even my dad. I know how much he meant to you.” I pulled back, keeping my arms around her to look into her chocolate brown eyes. “I also know how proud your father was of you. He bragged about you all the time. Incessantly, actually.”
She let out a light laugh. I wiped away some of her tears. “I wasn’t here for him. He died alone because of me.”
“He wasn’t alone. And I know this might sound absurd to some people, but I do believe that he’s still with you. He’s looking after you Julie. And he would want you to be happy.”
“I just feel like such a terrible person.”
“You save children for a living Julie. You’re not a terrible person. And I love you so much. I wouldn’t love you this much if you were a terrible person. I see who you are. I always have. It’s why I fell in love with you.”
Brown eyes met green as she looked at me. A small smile appeared on her lips. I moved closer to her until our lips were touching. It was a light kiss, but so powerful.
That one little kiss affirmed what we both knew but couldn’t admit until now.
We were still in love.
Chapter 18—Julie
Waking up next to Hope felt surreal. I never thought I’d be here again. I was being given a second chance at the best thing that ever happened to me.
I kept pinching myself to make sure I was awake. This felt like a dream. A beautiful dream. And if it was a dream, it was a dream I didn’t want to wake up from.
“Watching me sleep?” she said in a sleepy voice.
“I can’t help it. I missed waking up next to you.”
“You woke up next to me the other day.”
I smirked. “Not naked.”
She smiled as she moved closer to me. I was laying on my stomach. She placed a gentle kiss on my shoulder, putting her arm over me.
“I missed waking up next to you too,” she said. “Naked is just an added bonus.”
I laughed as I turned over, snuggling into her chest. She kissed my forehead. I couldn’t see her face in this position, but I could feel the smile on her face.
“Have you decided what you’re going to do?” she asked.
Last night, we talked for hours about where we stood with each other. She had ended things with Cary. I would have moved back right away, but I wanted to finish out my residency. I’d gotten this far and there was no guarantee there would be a resident position for pediatric surgery at Northwestern. Still, I knew without a doubt that I wanted to be with Hope.
She even offered to try to transfer to a hospital in New York, but I didn’t want that. Chicago was our home and that’s where I wanted us to stay.
“Both our residencies are almost over. In a couple of months, I’ll be applying for fellowship. I’m going to apply to one here. It shouldn’t be hard to get into a fellowship at Northwestern. Even if I have to work at another hospital, I just want to be back in Chicago. I want to be here with you.”
“Are you sure?”
I nodded my head. “I’ve never been surer about anything in my life.”
“How am I going to get through months without you?” she said, holding me tighter in her arms.
“Just keep thinking about how great it will be once we are together. We’ll facetime every day. Text nonstop. By the time we actually are together you’ll probably be tired of me.”
“Not a chance. I love you.”
I looked up at her, smiling as I bit down on my lip, trying to contain the excitement I felt inside of my chest. “I love you too.”
I learned so much from my father. How to be an amazing doctor. How to be an amazing parent. How to be a kindhearted human being that put others before himself, even strangers. But the most important thing I learned from my dad, was unconditional love.
People we love may pass away, but there was one thing that was forever. Love. Love never died.
My father taught me that.
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