“He is suspicious about everyone. We have to keep an eye out for him, young lad. The man is a menace.”
Ben went over to the window and peered out. He couldn’t see anyone.
BBBBBRRRRRRRRRIIIIIIIIIINNNNN NNNGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ben’s heart missed a beat. It was only the doorbell, but if they let Mr Parker inside he would see all the evidence the police would need to send Ben and his granny straight to prison.
“Don’t answer it!” said Ben, as he ran to the middle of the room and started stuffing all the jewels back in the tin, as quickly as he could.
“What do you mean, don’t answer it?! He knows I am at home. He just saw us through the window. You answer the door and I will hide the jewels.”
“Me?”
“Yes you! Hurry!”
BBBBBBBBBBRRRRRRRRRRRRIIIIIIII IIIIINNNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGG GGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This ring was more insistent. Mr Parker had left his finger on the buzzer for even longer. Ben took a deep breath and walked calmly through the hall to the front door.
He opened it.
Outside stood a man in a very silly hat. Don’t believe me? This is how silly his hat was:
“Yes?” said Ben in a squeaky high voice. “Can I help you?”
Mr Parker put his foot inside the bungalow so the front door couldn’t be closed on him.
“Who are you?” he barked, nasally.
He had a very big nose, which made him seem even nosier than he was, and he already seemed extremely nosy. Because he had a big nose he also had a very nasal voice, which made everything he said, however serious, seem a little bit absurd. But his eyes shone red like a demon.
“I am Granny’s friend,” spluttered Ben. Why did I say that? he thought. In truth, he was in a terrible panic, and his tongue was running away with him.
“Friend?” snarled Mr Parker, pushing open the front door. He was stronger than Ben, and soon forced his way inside.
“I mean grandson, Mr Parker, sir…” said Ben, retreating back towards the living room.
“Why are you lying to me?” he said, taking several paces forward as Ben took several paces back. It was if they were dancing the tango.
“I am not lying!” cried Ben.
They reached the living-room door.
“You can’t go in there!” yelled Ben, thinking of the jewels still scattered all over the carpet.
“Why not?”
“Erm…umm…Because Granny is doing her naked yoga!”
Ben needed a dramatic excuse to stop Mr Parker barging through the door and seeing the jewels. He was pretty sure he had hit the jackpot as Mr Parker paused and furrowed his brow.
Sadly, the nosy neighbour was not convinced.
“Naked yoga?! A likely story! I need to talk to your grandmother right away. Now get out of my way, you nasty little worm of a boy!” he said as he shoved the boy aside and opened the living-room door.
Granny must have heard Ben through the door because when Mr Parker burst into the room she was standing in her bra and knickers in a tree pose.
“Mr Parker, do you mind?” said Granny, in mock horror that he had seen her in a state of undress.
Mr Parker’s eyes spun around the room. He didn’t know where to look, so he fixed his glare on the now bare carpet. “Excuse me, Madam, but I need to ask you, where are those jewels I saw a moment ago?”
Ben spied the Silver Jubilee biscuit tin poking out from behind the sofa. Surreptitiously he edged it out of view with his foot.
“What jewels, Mr Parker? Have you been spying on me again?” demanded Granny, still in her underwear.
“Well, I, err…” he spluttered. “I had good reason. I was suspicious when I saw a young gentleman enter your property. I thought he might be a burglar.”
“I let him in through the front door.”
“He might have been a very charming burglar. He might have weaselled his way into your confidence.”
“He’s my grandson. He stays every Friday night.”
“Ah!” said Mr Parker, triumphantly. “But it’s not Friday night! So you can see why my suspicions were raised. And as head of Grey Close’s Neighbourhood Watch I must report anything suspicious I see to the police.”
“I’ve got a good mind to report you to the police, Mr Parker!” said Ben.
Granny looked at him curiously.
“Whatever for?” said the man. His eyes narrowed. They were now so red it was like there was a fire in his brain.
“For spying on old ladies in their underwear!” said Ben triumphantly. Granny winked at Ben.
“She was fully clothed when I looked through the window…” protested Mr Parker.
“That’s what they all say!” said Granny. “Now get out of my house before you are arrested for being a Peeping Tom!”
“You’ve not heard the last of me. Good day!” said Mr Parker. With that, he spun on his heels and left the room. Granny and Ben heard the front door slam behind him and they ran over to the window and watched him scuttle back to his bungalow.
“I think we frightened him off,” said Ben.
“But he’ll be back,” said Granny. “We have to be very careful.”
“Yes,” said Ben, more than a little alarmed. “We’d better hide this tin somewhere else.”
Granny thought for a moment. “Yes, I’ll put it under the floorboards.”
“OK,” said Ben. “But first…”
“Yes, Ben?”
“You might want to get dressed.”
∨ Gangsta Granny ∧
15
Reckless and Thrilling
When Granny had put her clothes back on, she and Ben sat down on the sofa.
“Granny, before Mr Parker turned up you were telling me there was one jewel that you never stole,” Ben whispered.
“There is something quite special that every great thief in the world would love to get their hands on. But it’s impossible. It just can’t be done.”
“I bet you could do it, Granny. You’re the greatest thief the world has ever known.”
“Thank you, Ben, perhaps I am, or rather was…and stealing these particular jewels might be every great thief’s dream, but it would just be, well…impossible.”
“Jewels? There’s more than one?”
“Yes, my dear. The last time anyone tried to steal them was three hundred years ago. A Captain Blood I believe. And I am not sure the Queen would be pleased…” She chuckled.
“You don’t mean…?”
“The Crown Jewels, yes, my boy.”
♦
Ben had learned about the Crown Jewels in a history lesson at school. History was one of the few subjects he liked, mainly because of all the gory punishments they used to have in the olden days. ‘Hanged, drawn and quartered’ was his absolute favourite, but he also liked the breaking wheel, being burned at the stake, and of course a red-hot poker up the bum.
Who doesn’t?
At school, Ben had learned that the Crown Jewels were in fact a set of crowns, swords, sceptres, rings, bracelets and orbs, some of which were nearly a thousand years old. They were used when a new king or queen was crowned, and since 1303 (the year, not the time), they had been kept under lock and key in the Tower of London.
Ben had begged his parents to take him to see them, but they had moaned that London was too far away (even though it wasn’t that far).
To be honest, they never really went anywhere as a family. When he was younger, Ben used to listen in silent wonder to his classmates, as they recounted their myriad adventures in ‘show and tell’. Trips to the seaside, visits to museums, even holidays abroad. The knot in his stomach would tighten when his turn came. He was too embarrassed to admit that all he had done during the holidays was eat microwaveable meals and watch TV, so he would make up stories about flying kites and climbing trees and exploring castles.
But now he had the greatest ‘show and tell’ of all time. His granny was an inter
national jewel thief. A gangsta! Except if he showed or told this, the old dear would be put in prison and they would throw away the key.
Ben realised that this was his big chance to do something crazy and reckless and thrilling.
“I can help you,” said Ben in a cool and calm manner, though his heart was beating faster than ever.
“Help me do what?” replied the old lady, a little befuddled.
“Steal the Crown Jewels, of course!” said Ben.
∨ Gangsta Granny ∧
16
‘N’ ‘O’ Spells ‘NO’
“No!” shouted Granny as her hearing aid began whistling furiously.
“Yes!” shouted Ben.
“No!”
“Yes!”
“Nooo!”
“Yeeees!”
“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”
“YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEES!”
This went on for a few minutes, but to save paper and therefore the trees and therefore the forests and therefore the environment and therefore the world I have tried to keep it short.
“There is absolutely no way I am letting a boy of your age come on a heist with me! Especially not to steal the Crown Jewels! And most important of all it’s impossible! It can’t be done!” exclaimed Granny.
“There must be a way…” pleaded Ben.
“Ben, I said ‘no’ and that’s final!”
“But – ”
“No buts, Ben. No. ‘N’ and ‘O’ spells ‘no’.”
Ben was bitterly disappointed, but the lady was not for turning. “I’d better go then,” he said, despondently.
Granny looked a little downcast too. “Yes dear, you’d better, your mummy and daddy will be very worried about you.”
“They won’t be – ”
“Ben! Home! Now!”
♦
Ben was sad to see that Granny was becoming like one of the boring grown-ups again, just when she’d started to become interesting. Still, he did what she said. Apart from anything else, he didn’t want to make his parents suspicious, so he raced home and climbed up the drainpipe to his bedroom window, before rushing downstairs to the living room.
Unsurprisingly, though, Mum and Dad hadn’t been worried about where Ben was at all. They had been too busy planning their son’s rise to dancing superstardom to notice he was gone.
Dad had been calling and calling the national under-twelve dance competition hotline until finally he got through and secured his son a place. Mum was right, the competition was at the town hall in just a couple of weeks’ time. There was no time to lose, so Mum had been working every waking moment on her son’s Love Bomb outfit.
“How’s the rehearsals going, boy?” asked Dad. “You look like you’ve worked up quite a sweat.”
“Fine, thank you, Dad,” lied Ben. “I really am getting something really spectacular together for the big night.”
Ben cursed his runaway mouth.
Something spectacular?
He’d be lucky if he didn’t fall over and knock himself out.
“Well, we can’t wait to see it! Not long to go!” said Mum, not even looking up from the sewing machine, as she stitched a row of hundreds of sparkling red hearts down the side of his Lycra trousers.
“I’d kind of like to practise on my own for now, Mum, you know…” Ben gulped nervously. “Until it’s completely ready to show you.”
“Yes, yes, we understand,” said Mum.
Ben sighed with relief. He had bought himself a bit more time.
But only a little bit.
In a couple of weeks Ben was still going to have to perform a solo dance routine for the whole town.
He sat on his bed, and reached underneath it for his stash of Plumbing Weeklys. Flicking through an issue from the previous year, he saw that it contained a feature entitled ‘A Short History of Plumbing’, that focused on some of London’s oldest sewage pipes. Ben frantically turned the pages to find it.
Eureka! There it was.
Hundreds of years ago the River Thames, on the banks of which the Tower of London is situated, had been an open sewer. (Technically speaking, that means there was a lot of wee and poo in it.)
Buildings along the riverside simply had big pipes leading from their toilets straight into the river. In the magazine were detailed historical diagrams of various famous buildings in London, showing where their old sewage pipes connected to the river.
And…
Ben’s finger ran down the article…
Yes! A chart of the sewer pipes at the Tower of London.
This could be the key to stealing the Crown Jewels. One pipe was nearly a metre wide, big enough for a child to swim up. And maybe big enough for a little old lady too!
The article also said that, when the plumbing systems were modernised and proper sewers installed a lot of the old pipes were simply left where they were, because it was simpler than digging them up.
Ben’s head spun as he thought about what this meant. It was possible – just possible – that there was still a huge pipe leading from the Thames into the Tower of London, and that most people, apart from very keen plumbing enthusiasts, had forgotten it was there. Ben wouldn’t have known himself, if he hadn’t been a long-term subscriber to Plumbing Weekly.
He and Granny could swim up that pipe, and get into the Tower…
Mum and Dad were wrong! he thought. Plumbing can be exciting.
Of course, it was a sewage pipe, which wasn’t ideal, but any poo and wee still in it would be hundreds of years old.
Ben didn’t know if that was a good or bad thing.
At that moment, he heard a creak in the floorboards and his bedroom door flew open. His mum burst in holding a big piece of Lycra that looked ominously like his ‘Love Bomb’ outfit.
Ben quickly concealed the magazine under his bed, which made him look incredibly guilty.
“I was just going to get you to try this on,” said Mum.
“Oh yes,” said Ben, as he sat on his bed awkwardly, his heels pushing the remaining Plumbing Weeklys out of sight of Mum’s prying eyes.
“What’s that?” she said. “What did you hide when I came in? Is that Nuts magazine?”
“No,” said Ben, swallowing his guilt. This looked way worse than it was. It looked like he was hiding a naughty magazine under the bed.
“It’s nothing to be ashamed of, Ben. I think it’s healthy you are expressing an interest in girls.”
Oh no! thought Ben. My mum’s going to talk to me about girls!
“There’s nothing embarrassing about being interested in girls, Ben.”
“Yes there is! Girls are gross!”
“No, Ben, it’s the most natural thing in the world…”
She’s just not stopping!
“THE DINNER IS NEARLY READY, LOVE!” came a shout from downstairs. “WHAT ARE YOU DOING UP THERE?”
“I AM TALKING TO BEN ABOUT GIRLS!” Mum shouted back.
Ben was so red that if he opened his mouth wide enough he might be mistaken for a postbox.
“WHAT?” cried Dad.
“GIRLS!” shouted Mum. “I AM TALKING TO OUR SON ABOUT GIRLS!”
“OH, RIGHT!” Dad shouted back. “I’LL TURN THE OVEN OFF.”
“So, Ben, if you ever need to – ”
BRING BRING. BRING BRING.
It was Mum’s mobile phone going off in her pocket.
“Sorry dear,” she said, placing the handset to her ear. “Gail, can I call you back? I am just talking to Ben about girls. OK, thanks, bub-bye.”
She hung up the phone and turned to Ben.
“Sorry, where was I? Oh yes, if you ever need to have a little chat with me about girls, then please do. You can trust me to be very discreet…”
∨ Gangsta Granny ∧
17
Planning the Heist
For the first time in his life, Ben skipped to school the following morning.
Through his love of plumbing, the previous nig
ht he had discovered that the Tower of London had a weakness. The most impregnable building in the world, where some of the country’s most dangerous criminals had been imprisoned and executed, had a fatal flaw; a large sewage pipe that led directly into the River Thames.
That ancient tube would be his and Granny’s way in and out of the Tower! It was a quite brilliant plan, and Ben’s body couldn’t hide its excitement at this amazing discovery.
That’s why he was skipping.
Now he couldn’t wait until Friday night when his mum and dad would once again pack him off to Granny’s.
Then he would be able to convince the old lady that together they really could steal the Crown Jewels. Ben would bring along the diagram in Plumbing Weekly of the Tower of London’s sewage system to show her. The two of them could stay up all night and work out every detail of the most daring robbery of all time.
The problem was that a whole fat week of lessons and teachers and homework stood between now and Friday night. However, Ben was determined to use the week at school wisely.
In his IT lesson, he looked up the Crown Jewels and memorised every detail on the web page.
In History, he asked his teacher questions about the Tower of London and exactly where in the building the jewels were kept. (That would be the Jewel House, fact fans.)
In Geography, he found an atlas of the British Isles and pinpointed precisely where on the Thames the Tower is situated.
In PE, he didn’t accidentally on purpose forget his kit like usual, instead he did extra press-ups so his arms would be strong enough to pull himself up the sewage pipe that led into the Tower.
In Maths, he asked the teacher how many packets of Rolos you could buy with five billion pounds (which is what the Crown Jewels were said to be worth). Rolos were Ben’s absolute favourite sweets.
The answer is ten billion packets, or twenty-four billion actual Rolos. That’s enough for a year at least.
And Raj was sure to throw in a few extra packets for free.
In his French class, Ben learned how to say, ‘I know nothing about the theft of, how you say, ‘the Crown Jewels’, I am but a poor French peasant boy’, in case he needed to pretend he was a poor French peasant boy in order to escape from the scene of the crime.
Gangsta Granny Page 5
