diaper, eyes wide and horrified. The kid gave me a drooly smile. “Mine.”
“Yep, it’s your one true hero. I’ve come to return you to your rightful
place, but first,” my eyes burned into Sid’s, “I’m going to beat the shit out of
the bad man.”
Sid laughed, sending spit flying. A drop or two landed on the kid’s
head causing him to frown. “Hero?” Sid chuckled, clutching his jiggling
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sides. “A man whose path is lone, and filled with sand. Only he can be called
hero.”
“Jesus.” I rolled my eyes, and shifted my weight to one foot. “Drop
the Zen-shit already.”
His face reddened, eyes burning with hate. “I will enjoy killing you.”
“Yeah, yeah.” I steadied myself. “Get on with it then. I’m sick of
your blabbering.”
For a second he looked ready to explode. That would be the
diversion I needed to save the kid, even if it meant spending an eternity in
hell.
But instead of attacking me, he laughed again. “You as a solitary
man seek rage, but it is not to be.”
“Yeah, I get it.” I shrugged. “I’m rubber and you’re glue. See, they
teach this shit in kindergarten. Now tell me what the fuck you want.”
My eyes scanned the room, looking for anything I might use as a
weapon. So far, I’d mentally murdered Sid with a curtain rod, a mousetrap,
and a half-chewed piece of gum stuck to the bottom of my boot.
“Do you know beauty can be found in all things?” Sid stroked the
kid’s halo of spiked blond hair, waiting for my answer.
I’d play along. Why the fuck not? “Don’t take it personal, but beauty
can’t be found in all things.” I waved at his bald, round head, thick middle
and stubby legs. Sure, the guy had a hell of a happy smile, but beauty, not
even close.
Ignoring my comment, he continued, “When Mary came to me the
first time, I saw what you desired. The shell of perfection, but as my
dastardly—” he smirked “—plan to rule the Heavens began, the shell lost
appeal. I did not expect that.”
I laughed. “What can I say? I’m deep.” None of this was news to me.
Mary and Sid teamed up to kidnap the Messiah. So why the assignation
attempts on me? And why kidnap the kid a second time?
The obvious answer was insanity. Full-fledged megalomania with a
healthy dose of delusion on the side. Sid wanted to be the next God.
Somehow, I doubted the current Lord and Savior would step down without a
fight.
Damn, that was it. Sid planned to use the kid as leverage. A fucked-
up leverage if you asked me. God had sacrificed the kid once already, what
made Sid think God would care this time? And why drag me here? He
planned to use me somehow, but I was too stupid to see it.
I snapped back to the present when Sid said, “You, a man without a
moral island, surprised me. You sacrificed yourself for both woman and
child; yet, you refuse to see the true light of an enlightened path. You are a
fool, like your heart’s desire.” He raised his hand to the ceiling, and the toga
he wore rode up north of decent. “His greatest fear has happened. Knowledge
has replaced Him, and my time has come.”
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“Bullshit.”
The kid frowned at me.
“Sorry.” I shot him a small smile. “Bull dung.” The kid nodded,
apparently satisfied. I added, “We’re not here to argue religion. His or yours.
It’s all the same. Now tell me what I’m doing here, or else I’m gone.” It was
a huge bluff. No way in hell I’d leave the kid with him, but I prayed he didn’t
know that.
“You’re bluffing.”
Score one for Sid.
“But time is limited, and your very presence curdles my spirit.” Sid
set the kid and diaper-rashed cat on the floor. “The path I choose converges
with yours. Only one will be the victor. My time has come, so yours shall
pass.” Sid pulled out a serrated knife. “In others words, I kill you and the
brat, and Heaven is mine. Because He cannot rule without His heir. For
without the Second, there can be no promises of salvation for the faithful.
Hence, no salvation for Him.”
“What about Mary? Where does she fit in your plan?”
Sid laughed. “She doesn’t. Like you, Mary is meaningless. A bit of
fluff for me to use and control at a whim. She believes she can rule heaven,
that I would dare let her and her bastard rule. Oh no, as soon as you are dead,
and Heaven is mine, I will destroy her and her child.”
“And the kid? What’s he mean to you?”
“The question is, what does he mean to you?” Sid grinned, as he
shoved the kid with his foot.
I nodded once, acknowledging the fact I would die to save the kid.
Now I just had to wait for Sid to make a move. My plan was simple, stupidly
so. When Sid attacked, I’d wait until the last possible second, and sweep kick
his fat ass. The bigger they were, the harder they fall was more than a figure
of speech. It just might save my ass.
Once Sid went down, I planned to snatch the kid from the floor,
tossing him and the beast-cat-from-hell out the door, grabbing Tyrfing, and
hacking Sid to pieces. Then I’d hack those pieces into smaller pieces until he
was bite-size. Barely big enough to feed Bodhi and the pigeons in Central
Park. Would pigeons eat fish-flavored Buddha?
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Fifty Seven
“How about a last cigarette?” I asked after a few silent seconds. Sid
was waiting, but for what? I glanced around the room, seeing nothing out of
the ordinary. If by ordinary, I meant the Messiah, a pooh-covered cat, and a
fat guy in a bed sheet.
Sid looked confused by my request. “You don’t smoke.”
“Yeah, but he does.” I pointed behind him. Sid’s eyes followed my
finger. A trick that until today I would’ve sworn only worked in cheesy
mystery novels or in the White House.
“Wha—” was all Sid got out before I was on top of him, slamming
my fist into his marshmallow abdomen.
“Run,” I yelled to the kid, which in hindsight was a stupid thing to
say to a kid who could barely walk. But the kid did the best he could. Lifting
Bodhi into his arms, he teetered at a half-walk/crawl/run toward the door.
Before the kid made it to the door, Sid landed a series of agile kicks
to my lower body. My rage exploded, my survival instinct taking control.
Destroy or be destroyed.
Thud.
The rattled of the door gained my attention. Tyrfing. The sword had
felt my bloodlust. I smiled. Sid was fucked for sure now. I punched him in
the head, busting my one unbroken knuckle on his stone-like cheek.
“Open the door then duck,” I told the kid. “Hurry.” The sword
clattered against the doorframe again sending bits of wood flying through the
room.
It was fillet of Sid time.
The kid and his cat struggled to reach the doorknob. In the meantime,
Sid had recognized his peril and struggled to strangle me. His fat fingers
roped around my neck, digging, clawing, and tearing at my skin. Spots
&nb
sp; appeared before my eyes, growing larger as my oxygen level grew smaller.
As a last resort, I pulled a Larry, Curly, and Moe trick, poking Sid in
the eye while squeaking out a ‘whoop, whoop, whoop’.
Luck for me, Sid had long ago forsaken comedy for PBS. My finger
jabbed itself between eye and socket, and I dug in. The stunned eyeball flew
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from its former resting place, veins detaching as it spiraled across the sky,
and landed with a splat. It bounced once, rolled, and stopped two inches from
the kid’s feet, eyeball up.
The kid glanced at me, and then to the bloodied eyeball. “Mine?” I
would’ve reassured him had Sid not continued to compress my windpipe, all
the while whining about his lack of eyeball.
For a Buddhist, he sure as hell could hold his own in a fight though.
What happened to Ahisma? Or letting go of all worldly wants and desires?
Fuck, I’d settle for him to let go of my throat.
Bang. The sword crashed against the door again.
Grayness swirled around my brain. My lungs burned weakening from
every non-breath.
The doorframe splintered from the force of Tyrfing’s assault. The tip
of the blade poked through the crack.
With my last bit of breath, I prayed, “God, now is not the time to
fuck with me. Open the damn door.”
For the first time, He actually did as I asked. The door squeaked
open, drawing seven startled eyes. Suddenly Sid released me and staggered
to his feet. He ran for a double-bladed ninja sword attached to the opposite
wall. Damn, why hadn’t I seen that sooner?
“You stay right here, you son-of-a-bitch,” I choked out, tugging on
the hem of Sid’s sheet. My oxygen deprived muscles exhausted their last
shreds of energy, and in a muscular revolution uncurled and let Sid literally
slip through my fingers.
I doubled over, sucking in air, my head between my legs like a
passenger on JetBlue airplane. Metal clanged as Sid tried to pull his sword
from the wall. I scanned the hallway for my own sword, but something else
caught my eye. Or lack of something, I should say. Mary was gone. The
ropes that bound her laid useless on the floor.
Fuck. Idiot.
I straightened at the whistling sound of Tyrfing slicing through the
air. The sword, as it had in the past, struck straight and true, embedding itself
in the target of my rage. Lucky for me, I wasn’t in a killing rage, merely
annoyed with myself at Mary’s escape.
The blade impaled itself in my lower back, puncturing a vital organ
or two. I dropped to my knees and let out a shriek of pain. Silver spots dotted
my vision, but I shook them away. Do not pass out, I ordered. My stomach
rolled threatening to spill its contents onto ground.
On the other side of the room, Sid stopped yanking on the ninja
sword plastered to the wall. He took a few tentative steps toward me. “A man
who lives by the sword….”
That was it. No more stupid sayings or Zen bullshit. With blood-
soaked hands, I twisted around and grabbed the hilt of Tyrfing pulling with
all my might.
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Laughter, deep and rich, echoed inside my pain-fogged brain. Sid
was fucking laughing at me. My rage intensified. Come on, I thought as I
tugged at Tyrfing. Give me a freaking break.
By this time, tears streamed down both my and Sid’s face. Mine were
tears of frustrated anger. The story of my life. Sid’s, on the other hand, were
of malicious humor. A humor deeply ingrained in the psyche of America, but
unheard of in Buddhist circles.
He laughed and laughed, hands clutching his fat sides. He laughed so
hard that he dropped to the ground and began rolling from side-to-side.
Suffice it to say, I pulled on Tyrfing that much harder. Killing Sid
had moved from unavoidable to my one and only goal. Rage kept me alive
and focused. The pain softened, turning to a cold burn. With one final tug,
Tyrfing popped free of my right kidney, and clattered to the floor. A sound
drowned out by Sid’s giggles and rapid floor rolling.
Using the sword for support, I struggled to my feet, blood showering
my boots. Once upright, I raised Tyrfing with my last shred of strength.
Crash.
Sid disappeared before my eyes.
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Fifty Eight
Twerp.
I blinked, trying to make sense of what was in front of me. Blood
loss had clearly affected my higher mental functions. If I wasn’t
hallucinating, a ten-foot high statue of Buddha had just crushed Sid.
Twerp.
I took a step closer to the mountain of smashed Buddha, and a much
flatter version of my archenemy. Laughter hadn’t been the best medicine for
good, old Sid. He’d laughed so hard he’d knocked the iconic statue of
Buddha onto his fat head. A bit of irony there, but I was too exhausted to
figure it out.
Twerp.
I recognized the sound of my cell phone, pulled it out, and checked
the caller ID. Shit. “Hey, Mom. I can’t talk right now,” I answered seconds
before crashing face first to the floor, unconscious.
~ * ~
“Jerk.” Lilith slapped my cheek.
I cracked an eyelid, quickly closing it again. The glare of hospital
light, stench of disinfectant, and blinding pain in my back told me all I
needed to know.
I was alive.
Sid wasn’t.
Score one for Jace.
“Hey.” Lilith shook my shoulder. “Don’t you dare go back to sleep
on me.”
“Water,” I croaked through dry, cracked lips. My limbs felt weak,
unused, muscles atrophied. How long was I out? The smooth plastic of a
straw touched my lips, and all thoughts of time slipped away. Greedily, I
sucked up the cold water until the slurp of an empty cup echoed in the
hospital room.
Opening my eyes the second time proved a little easier. Lilith sat in a
high-backed chair next to my hospital bed, the whirl of machines and air
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compressors surrounding her. Her hair was longer. Her face fuller. She
looked more beautiful than ever.
I swallowed. “I asked for Jack Daniels and water.”
She laughed, relief flooding the exhaustion in her eyes. “I’ll get it
right the next time.” She paused, brushing my hair from my forehead. “You
had me worried.”
“I’m sorry.”
She tilted her head and raised an eyebrow. “Why?”
“For a lot of things.” I licked my lips. The drugging for one thing.
Fucking Mary for another. The list went on and on, but now didn’t seem like
the time to bring up past sins.
Her smile slipped. “The doctors swore you wouldn’t make it. That I
should say goodbye, but I knew you’d come back.”
“Why’s that?”
“Because there is no place you’d be safe. Heaven or hell, I’d find you
and kick your ass.”
And she would too. That was one of the things I loved about Lilith.
She’d walk through the fires of hell for revenge, and for me. There wasn’t
another person alive willing to sacrifice themselves for me. Speaking of
sacrifices….
“The kid’s safe, right? I did my job.” I glanced around the room
searching for telltale signs of the Messiah. A scribbled coloring book of
messy crayon art hung on the wall, and a box of cat chow sat in the corner.
But no sign of the actual kid.
“He’s fine.” She grinned. “He had a slight reaction to the medication,
but the doctor promised his hair will grow back. He looks like a bowling ball,
bald-headed and round.”
“Medicine? For what?” I scratched my beard. Beard? When had I
grown a beard? “Did the kid get hurt when the statue fell?”
“Oh, baby,” Lilith whispered, caressing my cheek. “You don’t
remember anything, do you?”
I shook my head. The last thing I remembered was a much flatter
version of Sid and a bloody Tyrfing in my hands.
“When I found you, you’d lost so much blood,” Lilith said, tears
sparkling on her lashes. “Jesus was sitting in a pool of red next to you, a river
of tears streaming down his cheeks, trying again and again to heal you. But
he couldn’t.” Her voice hitched and a small choked cry burst from her throat.
“At first I thought you were dead...”
I wiped the tears from her face. “It’s okay.”
“The doctors told us you needed a kidney. Tyrfing had severed your
right one, and your other kidney was damaged in the war.”
“Yeah, I took some shrapnel in the side, but the medics were much
more concerned with my head wound.” I laughed. “I guess I really do have
nine lives. So they found a donor? One of my brothers?”
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“Not exactly.” She squeezed my hand. “You have an extremely rare
blood type. The hospital had never treated a patient with it before. Some of
the doctors had never even heard of it.”
“I’m a marvel of modern science.” I grinned. “Can’t say I’m glad
about that. Too much pressure.”
“They searched for months to find a donor kidney, keeping you on
dialysis and in a coma until two weeks ago when they found a perfect
match.”
Months? I’d been in a coma for MONTHS? That explained the
beard, and my need to pee. What had I missed? Had the Rangers won the
Stanley Cup? Had world peace been declared? Had Lilith found another
Holy Socks And Dirtier Demons Page 23
