by Harlan Coben
Myron reached into his glove compartment. He snapped it open and pulled out a gun. He was not going to be caught unprepared again. "Go," he said.
Esperanza hopped out of the car and crossed the street. A black Corvette with flame decals on the hood and an extra-vrooming engine pulled up. A gold-chainenmeshed primate raced the engine and leaned his head out the window. He smiled greasily at Esperanza. He hit the gas again, giving off a few more deep vrooms. Esper-anza looked at the car, then at the driver. "Sorry to hear about your penis," she deadpanned.
The car drove off. Esperanza shrugged and waved at Myron. It wasn't an original line, but it never failed her.
"God, I love that woman," Myron said.
"She's, like, totally hot," Mindy agreed. "I wish I
looked like her."
"You should wish to be like her," he corrected.
"What's the difference? She must, like, really work out, right?"
Esperanza entered the Parker Inn. The first thing that hit her was the smell a pungent combination of dried vomit and body odor, only less olfactorily pleasing. She wrinkled her nose and continued inside. The floor was hardwood with lots of sawdust. The light was dingy, coming off the pool table ceiling fixtures that were supposed to look like imitation Tiffany lamps. The crowd was probably two-to-one men over women. Everyone was dressed in a word -cheesy.
Esperanza looked around the room. Then she spoke out loud so that Myron would hear her through the phone.
"About a hundred guys in here fit your description," she said. "It's like asking me to find an implant in a strip club."
Myron's phone was on mute, but she'd bet he was laughing. An implant at a strip club. Not bad, she thought. Not bad at all.
So now what?
People were staring at her, but she was used to that.
Three seconds passed before a man approached her. He had a long, kinky beard; bits of coagulated food were lodged in it. He smiled toothlessly, looked her up and down unapologetically.
"I've got a great tongue," he said to her.
"Now all you need is some teeth."
She pushed past him and made her way to the bar. Two seconds later, a guy jumped toward her. He wore a cowboy hat. Cowboy hat. Philadelphia. What's wrong with this picture? '
"Hey, sweetheart, don't I know you?"
Esperanza nodded. "Another line that smooth," she said, "and I may start to undress."
The cowboy whooped it up like it was the funniest thing he had ever heard. "No, little darling, I'm not handing you a line. I'm serious here .... " His voice sort of drifted off "Holy Shit, the man cried. "It's Little Pocahontas!
The Indian Princess! You're Little Pocahontas, right? Don't deny it now, darling. It's you! I can't believe it!
Myron was probably laughing his ass off right now.
"Nice to see you," Esperanza said. "Thank you very much for remembering."
"Shit, Bobby, take a lookie here. It's Little Pocahontas!
Remember? That hot little vixen on FLOW?"
FLOW, of course, stood for the "Fabulous Ladies Of Wrestling." The organization's original name had been the "Beautiful Ladies Of Wrestling," but once they became popular enough for television, the networks insisted on a new acronym.
"Where?" Another man approached, eyes wide and drunk and happy. "Holy shit, you're right! It's her! It's really her!"
"Hey, thanks for the memories, fellas, but "
"I remember this one time, you were fighting Tatiana the Siberian Husky? Remember that one? Shit, my hardon nearly poked a hole clean through my bedroom window."
Esperanza hoped to file that little tidbit under Too Much Information.
An enormous bartender came over. He looked like the pullout centerfold for Leather Biker Monthbw. Extra big and extra scary. He had long hair, a long scar, and tattoos of snakes slithering up both arms. He shot the two men a glare and poof they were gone. Like the glare had evaporated them. Then he turned his eyes toward Esperanza.
She met the glare and gave him one back. Neither backed down.
"Lady, what the fuck are you?" he asked.
"Is that a new way of asking what -I'm drinking?"
"No." The mutual glaring continued. He leaned two massive snake-arms on the bar. "You're too good-looking to be a cop," he said. "And you're too good-looking to be hanging out in this toilet."
"Thanks, I guess," Esperanza said. "And you are?"
"Hal," he said. "I own this toilet."
"Hi, Hal."
"Hi back. Now what the fuck do you want?"
"l'm trying to score some blow," she said.
"Nah," Hal said with a shake of his head. "You'd go to Spic City for that. Buy it from one of your own kind, no offense." He leaned even closer now. Esperanza couldn't help but wonder if Hal would be a good match for Big Cyndi. She liked big biker guys. "Let's cut the crap, sweetheart. What do you want?"
Esperanza decided to try the direct approach. "I'm looking for a sliver of scum named Tito. People call him Tit. Skinny, shaved head "
"Yeah, yeah, I might know him. How much'?"
"Fiity bucks."
Hal made a scofling sound. "You want me to sell out a customer for iifty bucks?"
"A hundred."
"Hundred and iifty. The deadbeat sack of shit owes me money."
"Deal," she said.
"Show me the money."
Esperanza took the bills out of her wallet. Hal reached it for it, but she pulled back. "You first," she said.
"I don't know where he lives," Hal said. "He and his goose-stepping faggots come in every night except Wednesdays and Saturdays."
"Why not Wednesdays and Saturdays?" she asked.
"How the fuck am I supposed to know? Bingo night and Saturday night mass maybe. Or maybe they all do a circle jerk crying 'Heil, Hitler' when they shoot off. How the fuck do I know'?"
"What's his real name'?"
"I don't know."
She looked around the bar. "Any of the boys here know?"
"Nah," Hal said. "Tit always comes in with the same limp-dicked crew and they leave together. They don't talk to no one else. It's verboten."
"Sounds like you don't like him."
"He's a stupid punk. They all are. Assholes who blame the fact that they're genetic mutations on other people."
"So why do you let them hang out here?"
"Because unlike them, I know that this is the U. S. of A,You can do what you want. Anyone is welcome here.
Black, white, Spic, Jap, whatever. Even stupid punks."
Esperanza almost smiled. Sometimes you find tolerance in the strangest places. "What else'?"
"That's all I know. lt's Saturday night. They'll be here tomorrow."
"Fine," Esperanza said. She ripped the bills in half.
"I'll give you the other half of the bills tomorrow."
Hal reached out his big hand and closed it over her forearm. His glare grew a little meaner. "Don't be too smart, hot legs," he said slowly. "I can yell gang bang and have you on your back on a pool table in five seconds.
You give the hundred and fifty now. Then you rip another hundred in half to keep my mouth shut. You got it?"
Her heart was beating wildly in her chest. "Got it,"
she said. She handed him the other half of the bills. Then she took out another hundred, ripped it, and handed it to him.
"Get out, sweet buns. Like now."
He didn't have to tell her twice.
Chapter 20
There was nothing else they could do tonight. To approach the Squires estate would be foolhardy, at best. He couldn't call or contact the Coldrens. It was too late to try to reach Lloyd Rennart's widow. And lastly and perhaps most important Myron was bone-tired.
So he spent the evening at the guest house with his two best friends in the world. Myron, Win, and Esperanza lay sprawled on separate couches like Dali clocks. They wore T shirts and shorts and buried themselves deep within puffy pillows. Myron drank too much Yoo-Hoo; Esperanza drank too much
diet Coke; Win drank almost enough Brooklyn Lager (Win drank only lager, never beer). There were pretzels and Fritos and Rufiles and freshly delivered pizza. The lights were out. The bigscreen television was on. Win had recently taped a whole bunch of Odd Couple episodes. They were on the fourth in a row. The best thing about the Odd Couple, Myron surmised, was the consistency. They never had a weak episode how many shows could say that?
Myron bit into a slice of pizza. He needed this. He had barely slept in the millermium since he'd first encountered the Coldrens (in reality, it only had been yesterday). His brain was fried; his nerves were fraying like overused floss. Sitting with Win and Esperanza, their faces blue-lit by the picture tube, Myron felt true contentment.
"It's simply not true," Win insisted.
"No way," Esperanza agreed, tossing down a RingDing.
"I'm telling you," Myron said. "Jack Klugrnan is wearing a hairpiece."
Win's voice was firm. "Oscar Madison would never wear a rug. Never, I say. Felix, maybe. But Oscar? It simply cannot be."
"It is," Myron said. "That's a hairpiece."
"You're still thinking of the last episode," Esperanza said. "The one with Howard Cosell."
"Yes, that's it," Win agreed with a snap of his fingers.
"Howard Cosell. He wore a hairpiece."
Myron looked up the ceiling, exasperated. "I'm not thinking of Howard Cosell. I know the difference between Howard Cosell and Jack Klugman. I'm telling you. Klugman is sporting a rug."
"Where's the line?" Win challenged, pointing at the screen. "I cannot see a break or a line or a discoloration.
And I'm usually quite good at spotting lines."
"I don't see it either," Esperanza added, squinting.
"That's two against one," Win said.
"Fine," Myron said. "Don't believe me."
"He had his own hair on Quincy," Esperanza said.
"No," Myron said, "he didn't."
"Two against one," Win repeated. "Majority rules."
"Fine," Myron repeated. "Wallow in ignorance."
On the screen, Felix fronted for a band called Felix Unger and the Sophisticatos. They rambled through an up-tempo number with the repeated phrase "Stumbling all around." Kinda catchy.
"What makes you so sure it's a rug?" Esperanza asked.
"The Twilight Zone," Myron said.
"Come again?"
"The Twilight Zone. Jack Klugman was in at least two episodes."
"Ah, yes," Win said. "Now, don't tell me, let me see if I remember." He paused, tapping his lip with his index finger. "The one with the little boy Pip. Played by . . . ?" Win knew the answer. Life with his friends was an ever-continuing game of Useless Trivia.
"Bill Mumy." It was Esperanza.
Win nodded. "Whose most famous role was . . . ?"
"Will Robinson," Esperanza said. "Lost in Space."
"Remember Judy Robinson?" Win sighed. 'Quite the Earth babe, no?"
"Except," Esperanza interjected, "what was up with her clothes? Kmart velour sweaters for space travel? Who came up with that one?"
"And we cannot forget the effervescent Dr. Zachery Smith," Win added. "The first gay character on series TV."
"Scheming, conniving, gutless with a hint of pedophilia," Esperanza said with a shake of her head.
"He set back the movement twenty years."
Win grabbed another slice of pizza. The pizza box was white with red-and-green lettering and had the classic caricature of a heavy-set chef twirling a thin mustache with his finger. The box read and this is absolutely true: Whether it's a pizza ar submarine, + We buy the best, T0 prepare the best, And leave it to you for the rest.
Wordsworth.
"I don't recall Mr. Klugman's second Twilight Zone," Win said.
"The one with the pool player," Myron answered.
"Jonathan Winters was in it too."
"Ah, yes," Win said with a serious nod. "Now I remember.
Jonathan Winters's ghost shoots pool against Mr. Klugman's character. For bragging rights or some such thing."
"Correct answer."
` ' 'So what do those two Twilight Zone episodes have to do with Mr. Klugman's hair?"
"You got them on tape?"
Win paused. "I believe that I do. I taped the last Twilight Zone marathon. One of those episodes is bound to be on it."
"Let's find it," Myron said.
It took the three of them almost twenty minutes of sitting through his vast video collection before they finally found the episode with Bill Mumy. Win put it in the VCR and reclaimed his couch. They watched in silence.
Several minutes later, Esperanza said, "I'll be damned."
A black and-white Jack Klugman was calling out "Pip," the name of his dead son, his tormented cries chasing a tender apparition from his past. The scene was quite moving, but also very much beside the point. The key factor, of course, was that even though this episode predated the Odd Couple by some ten years, Jack Klugman's hairline was in a serious state of retreat.
Win shook his head. "You are good," he said in a hushed voice. "So very good." He looked at Myron. "l am truly humbled to be in your presence."
"Don't feel bad," Myron said. "You're special in your own way."
This was about as heavy as the conversation got.
They laughed. They joked. They made fun of one another.
No one talked about a kidnapping or the Coldrens or business or money matters or landing Tad Crispin or the severed finger of a sixteen-year-old boy.
Win dozed off first. Then Esperanza. Myron tried to call Jessica again, but there was no answer. No surprise.
Jessica often didn't sleep well. Taking walks, she claimed, inspired her. He heard her voice on the machine and felt something inside him plunge. When the beep came on, he left a message: "I love you," he said. "I will always love you."
He hung up. He crawled back onto the couch and pulled the cover up to his neck.
Chapter 21
When Myron arrived at Merion Golf Club the next morning, he wondered briefly if Linda Coldren had told Jack about the severed finger. She had. By the third hole, Jack had already dropped three strokes off his lead. His complexion was cartoon Casper. His eyes were as vacant as the Bates Motel, his shoulders slumped like bags of wet peat moss.
Win frowned. "Guess that finger thing is bothering him."
Mr. Insight.
"That sensitivity workshop," Myron said, "it's really starting to pay off."
"I did not expect Jack's collapse to be so total."
"Win, his son's finger was chopped off by a kidnapper.
That's the kind of thing that could distract someone."
"I guess." Win didn't sound convinced; He turned away and started heading up the fairway. "Did Crispin show you the numbers in his Zoom deal?"
"Yes," Myron said.
"And'?"
"And he got robbed."
Win nodded. "Not much you can do about it now."
"Plenty I can do about it," Myron said. "It's called renegotiate. ' '
"Crispin signed a deal," Win said.
"So?"
"Please do not tell me that you want him to back out of it." +
"I didn't say I wanted him to back out. I said I wanted to renegotiate."
" 'Renegotiate,' " Win repeated as though the word tasted vinegary. He continued trudging up the fairway.
"How come an athlete who performs poorly never renegotiates?
How come you never see a player who has a terrible season restructure his deal downward?"
"Good point," Myron said. "But, you see, I have this job description. It reads something like this: Get the most money I can for a client."
"And ethics be damned."
"Whoa, where did that come from? I may search for legal loopholes, but I always play by the rules."
"You sound like a criminal defense attorney," Win said.
"Ooo, now that's a low blow," Myron said.
The crowd was getting caught up in the unfolding
drama in an almost disturbing way. The whole experience was like watching a car crash in super slow motion. You were horrified; you stared; and part of you almost cheered the misfortune of a fellow human being. You gaped, wondering about the outcome, almost hoping the crash would be fatal. Jack Coldren was slowly dying. His heart was crumbling like brown leaves caught in a closed fist. You saw it all happening. And you wanted it to continue.
On the filth hole Myron and Win met up with Norm Zuckerman and Esme Fong. They were both on edge, especially Esme, but then again she had a hell of a lot riding on this round. On the eighth hole they watched Jack miss an easy putt. Stroke by stroke, the lead shrank from insurmountable to comfortable to nail-biting.
On the back nine Jack managed to control the hemorrhaging a bit. He continued to play poorly, but with only three holes left to play, Jack was still hanging on to a twostroke lead. Tad Crispin was applying pressure, but it would still take a fairly major gaffe on Jack Coldren's part for Tad to win.
Then it happened.
The sixteenth hole. The same hazard that had laid waste to Jack's dream twenty-three years ago. Both men started off line. They hit good tee-shots to what Win '
called "a slightly offset fairway." Uh-huh. But on Jack's second shot, disaster struck. He came over the top and left the sucker short. Way short.
The ball landed in the stone quarry.
The crowd gasped. Myron watched in horror. Jack had done the unthinkable. Again.
Norm Zuckerman nudged Myron. "I'm moist," he said giddily. "Swear to God, I'm moist in my nether regions.
Go ahead, feel for yourself"
"I'll take your word for it, Norm."
Myron turned to Esme Fong. Her face lit up. "Me too," she said.
A more intriguing proposal but still no sale.
Jack Coldren barely reacted, as if some internal wiring had shorted out. He was not waving a white fiag, but it looked like he should have been.
Tad Crispin took advantage. He hit a fine approach shot and was left with an eight-foot putt that would give him the lead. As young Tad stood over the ball, the silence in the gallery was overwhelming not just the crowd, but it was as if the nearby traffic and overhead planes and even the grass, the trees, the very course had all aligned themselves against Jack Coldren.
This was big-time pressure. And Tad Crispin responded in a big way.
When the putt dropped into the cup, there was no polite golf clap. The crowd erupted like Vesuvius in the last days. The sound spilled forward in a powerful wave, warming the young newcomer and sweeping aside the dying warhorse. Everyone seemed to want this. Everyone wanted to crown Tad Crispin and behead Jack Coldren.
