“Well, anyway, I stepped outside to take out the trash,” Sophie proceeds, “and Evelyn was in the back finishing up the cleaning. Chad pulled up in the parking lot. Said hi, kept it simple and sweet.”
“I am so glad there’s no lingering animosity over him dating a coworker,” Claire cuts in.
“Yeah, well,” Sophie flicks a wrist, “he’s not working for me anymore, so…whatever. He’s always getting under my skin anyway. I just need to remember to apply the anti-itching cream now and then.”
“The story!” I press.
“Anyway, he was picking up Evelyn. I got to sweeping the front walk, then I noticed the front window was all dirty…” She takes a quick pull of her wine, finishing off the glass. “I guess my lengthy cleaning period outside was an open invitation for Chad to just feel up Evelyn. I walked in and he had her on the countertop, hands under her shirt, they’re making out, she’s moaning…” Sophie shivers. “Too much detail.”
“Fun!” I say, hanging on each word.
The girls all give me a quirky expression.
“What?” I say in a high voice. “I’ve been without for months.”
“Anyway,” Sophie says, “it was totally awkward and unacceptable and just wrong. Not in my café, thank you very much.”
“But in the Louvre or the Tuileries?” I say with a chortle.
“Or Café Victor Hugo,” Lara adds.
“Yeah, yeah.” Sophie criss-crosses her legs, dressed in a pair of black yoga pants. “When I walked in I made my presence announced, and they were, well, honestly, they were more embarrassed than I was. Chad just kind of skulked off, and Evelyn apologized a zillion times. Begged me not to fire her. Poor thing. Think she’s scared of me or something.”
“The wrath of Sophie,” I say with a cock of the head.
She pokes me in the ribs. “You know I still love you.”
“What a story,” Lara says with a sigh. “What were they thinking? I mean, they knew you were there!”
“It’s that risk of getting caught that can be fun,” Claire says with a sneaky grin. “That’s half the fun of it, really. The rest is that mad pull you have for each other, that attraction—”
“That love,” Robin adds dreamily.
“Yeah.”
“Hey,” Robin says. She looks to Lara. “What about you? You never shared your most tawdry encounter.”
“Ha!” Lara sounds. “How about countless times in my office, on my desk?”
“Aww, yes,” Robin says, head tilted back. “That illicit affair.”
“Actually,” Lara says. A grin tugs at one corner of her mouth. “Worth and I have a weekend getaway coming up. He’s taking me to his cabin up in the mountains.” She clicks her tongue seductively. “Romantic setting, just the two of us…”
Claire claps and shrieks, “Lara, you so have to do it in the woods! Right, Robin?”
“It can be fun,” Robin says. “Just find a boulder or something to prop yourself up. Keep you off the pine needles and stuff.”
We all laugh as Claire says, “Or if there’s an area with a stream or lake or something, a random pool of water. Conner and I once did it in this pond when we were visiting my family down in Oregon. A-ma-zing!”
“Okay,” Sophie says, holding up the bottle of Riesling. “Think we’ve either had enough for tonight or we’re topping up and moving on to other topics of convo.”
We opt for the latter, even though I think Claire could have been just as happy continuing the chatter about all the unique places she and Conner have consummated their love.
I’ll admit that it makes me a teensy bit jealous, them having a successful and happy marriage, loving each other. But what makes me more jealous is Lara and Worth. They have that new and exciting passion—what Andrew and I used to have. Andrew and I never really had what Conner and Claire have—a long-time relationship where the routine is actually still fun and fulfilling. I mean, Conner and Claire have their own rough patches, as all couples do, and I wouldn’t really want to be in their shoes right now what with Conner having just turned in his two-week notice. Things are going to get even tighter and probably tense, and there’s that very real possibility that the replacement job Conner’s searching for will be outside Seattle.
Lara and Worth, though…things seem perfect. They’re happy, they’re having fun, they’re not lonely…
“So what does this mean?” Robin says once Claire delivers her news—the reason she insisted on this last-minute planned girls’ night.
“It means,” Claire says, playing with the hem of her bright pink tank top, “that things have been taken to the next level. Conner’s got interviews lined up with two different firms in Seattle next week, which is great. He’s also got a telephone interview with a firm in Spokane, for a really well-paid and high-up position in the accounting department, actually. It pays better than the two he’s looking at in town. And he’s got some feelers out in LA, too.”
“Oh no,” Sophie grumbles. “You’re moving?”
“Nothing’s for sure yet, Sophie,” Claire reassures. “The possibility is there, though.”
“Do you even want to move?” I ask.
“Of course I don’t want to!” Claire looks thunderstruck. “I love Seattle, I love my job, I love being near you girls—our lives are here!”
“So why move?” I pick up the bottle of lime-flavored mineral water and fill my wine glass with it. I’ve already had two glasses of Riesling, and I’m trying my best to follow Dr. Pierce’s advice. I can have some fun now and then, but I can’t turn to the bottle every time there’s a reason to celebrate or, much worse, sulk.
“Because,” Claire says, still wearing that thunderstruck look, “my husband’s career is at stake, and it’s what I, as his partner, his wife, should do. Being supportive and understanding comes with the territory of marriage.”
“If you had a career move to make, I’m sure Conner would do the same for you,” Robin says.
“Exactly.” Claire looks from Robin to me. “It’s not cut and dry all the time, Jack. Trust me, I wish it was. I wish Conner could’ve sucked it up and made the most of the job he had. Or, heck, it’d be nice if he could’ve been promoted like he was supposed to be.” She hugs a grey throw pillow to her chest. “But life doesn’t always turn out the way you thought. And I’ve got to take it in stride. Can’t freak out over every thing that doesn’t go my way.”
I casually shrug it off and drink my water.
“Spokane’s nice,” Lara says. “And it’s not that far.”
“Not like LA,” Sophie says sadly.
“I didn’t want to sour the mood,” Claire says. “I wanted you all to know, though. Wanted to let you know of the possibility…”
“It’ll all work out,” Robin says perkily. She rubs her hands together. “Maybe unexpectedly, but things will work out just fine.”
“It’s true,” Lara says. “Did I think the guy who talked about the difference between Beluga and Sevruga caviar would have swept me off my feet and be taking me on out-of-town trips?” She smiles broadly.
“Girl,” Sophie says, “you are so hung up on this guy. It’s great. I’m happy for you. But you’re so hung up.” Sophie pans around the room. “Look at Lara, girls. She’s got her glow back, moving on, shacking up.”
“All right, all right,” Lara says with a halting hand motion. “I know, I’m droning on. Sorry.”
“No!” Claire says. “Some of us need to have happy stories to share.”
“Yeah,” Sophie says. “And it’s about damn time it was you, Lara.”
Lara looks down at her lap, smiling, then catches my gaze. I’m happy for Lara, really I am. But that big green monster is rumbling around inside of me, and I’m fighting it the best I can, trying my hardest to put on a painted smile and tell Lara, “Yeah, good for you.”
Chapter Forty
I tried. Really, I tried.
I tried so hard to fight that green monster known as Envy, but it just wouldn’
t leave me the hell alone. Throughout the rest of girls’ night I kept spontaneously thinking about Lara and Worth and how she was having the time of her life with a romantic, rich, and caring man. She was happy, she had a glow about her, and I was on the other side of the fence, watching on in envy.
I emailed Emily about my feelings as soon as I got home that night. I don’t know when I’ll hear from her again, and probably by the time I do the green monster will have packed his bags and moved on to his next victim. I can only hope.
As a last ditch effort to ward the monster away I had actually stopped Lara on her way to the car after girls’ night and asked if she thought it was at all strange that she was dating someone who worked with Andrew. She made a funny expression, wagged her head, then spluttered out, “Why would that be weird?”
I explained that I just thought it’d be odd, seeing how Worth worked with Andrew (closely or not), if things ended up working out for the two of them, and Andrew and I didn’t. “I don’t know,” I replied to Lara. “I just think maybe it could bring some unnecessary tension.”
She just laughed it off, got into her car, and told me I was being silly.
The time had come, though, when I just couldn’t take it anymore. I couldn’t shake the thought from my mind that Lara and Worth were together, happy, and Andrew and I were not. If Worth were anyone else, if he didn’t work with Andrew, I don’t think I’d be as bothered.
But the fact that Worth is always in such close proximity to Andrew and dating my best friend just makes me feel like Lara is, in some roundabout way, condoning Andrew’s behavior. Dr. Pierce said this sounded absurd and was a perfect example of me borrowing trouble.
But there’s something to this idea, don’t you think? Lara, and Worth, too, know things aren’t exactly copacetic between Andrew and me. I’m sure Worth struts into Andrew’s office now and then, all chipper and ready to chat about business, knowing all too well that Lara’s BFF is still hung out to dry thanks to his asshole coworker. And Worth probably claps Andrew on the back in a jolly old sport kind of way, too, and Andrew probably returns the favor, chuckling and pretending everything’s just peachy. Lara, in the meantime, stands back with a goofy grin and pitter-patter heart while I slowly drown.
Dr. Pierce told me self-pity wouldn’t get me anywhere, nor would the trouble I was concocting. So I did the best thing I could imagine doing. I didn’t drown my sorrows in bottomless glasses of rum; I didn’t hit the clubs and make myself feel good by counting the numbers I could collect from horny bar hoppers; I didn’t cry into my pillow night after night. I got into my car, despite the eleventh hour on a Tuesday night, and drove to Lara’s.
“Jackie?” Lara gasps as she answers the door, dressed in a pair of black Soffe shorts and a Mt. Rainier t-shirt. “Are you okay?”
She takes off her wire-rimmed reading glasses and looks behind me, surveying the parking lot. “It’s so late.” Slight panic is in her eyes. She opens the door farther. “What are you doing out at this hour? Everything all right?”
“Is Worth here?” I ask as I come inside. I cram my hands nervously into my pants pockets.
“No. Why?”
I clear my throat as Lara turns on a second small living room lamp. “Look,” I start, “it’s late, and I know you probably have a busy day ahead of you at the office tomorrow.” Judging by the sheaf of papers splayed about the coffee table and floor, highlighters and pens and pencils, too, she probably not only has a busy day tomorrow but hasn’t quite finished the busy day today.
“What is it?” Lara looks worried now. She hops right to it, quicker than I am, and ushers me to the sofa. “This looks like it’ll need tea.” She moves towards the kitchen, grabbing her green mug from atop a stack of papers.
“No,” I say. I take a seat nearby Lara’s cat BeeBee. “I’m good, thanks.”
“Well, I’m due for a refill,” she says from the kitchen. “The office is really laying the deadline on hard for me. I feel like I’m working around the clock.”
“Seems like you are.” I pick up a loose paper that’s colored with yellow highlighter and red pen. It’s chock-full of numbers, running up and down tidy columns, with handwritten notes like Consult previous year’s #s and Pre-Rebrand and Post-Rebrand. I shake my head and set the paper back down as Lara returns, walking carefully so as not to spill her warm refill.
“It’s just exhausting,” she says. “I love the pressure and challenge, but it’s like the pressure’s been building week after week.” She snickers. “No end in sight.”
She attempts a sip but pulls back when she realizes her tea is too hot to drink. “Anyhoo.” She shakes her head. “You’re obviously not here to chat about my workload. What’s up?”
“Oh…” I drift, not sure how to say this. “I’ve just been doing some thinking. Some thinking about…relationships.” I try to tread upon the subject with care. I don’t want to insult or upset Lara, but I want to be honest about my feelings.
“Andrew?” She squints in disappointment. “You still thinking about Andrew and Nikki?”
“Sometimes,” I say honestly. “Sometimes I think there’s still a chance for us. Maybe whenever I see Andrew and talk to him again, I can ask straight out. Ask him about Hawaii… I don’t know.” I scratch at my head. “Put all the cards on the table and tell him to be honest. I mean, we’ll probably be getting a divorce anyhow, right?”
Lara only shrugs in response.
“But it’s not just Nikki and Andrew,” I say in a small and tired voice. “Not just my marriage, but relationships with friends…” Lara nods. “Relationships friends have…” I begin to stroke BeeBee’s soft fur, something to help keep my nerves from unraveling and making me lose the gall to do what I came here to do. “I’ve been pretty lonely, feeling pretty empty, you know?” Lara nods some more. “I’m still trying to figure this all out, Lara, and find my place and all.”
“Mmmhmm,” she sounds through a cautious sip of tea.
“I need the support, you know?”
“You have all our support, Jackie. We’re all busy and have lives of our own, but that doesn’t mean we don’t support you.”
“Yeah, well—”
“I mean,” she gestures to her paperwork, “you can obviously see I’m in over my head with work these days. I can’t always answer my phone…”
“It’s not just that.”
“Okay.”
“It’s—it’s—” I can’t bring myself to say it.
“Hey, how’s this?” Lara puts on a cheerful face. “Once this big deal with Jennings & Voigt is finished then how about you and I go away for a weekend somewhere? My treat! Girls’ spa weekend or something.”
I force out a weak smile in response.
“And if it’s any consolation, I’m not trying to be a rockstar and undertake all this work on my own.” She gestures again to the paperwork. “Worth, on the other end, is working around the clock, too, and it’s just so much!” She holds out a stiff, flat hand to emphasize her point. “It’s just work here, work there, deadline here, deadline there. He’s stressed, I’m—”
“I can’t!” I erupt. “I just can’t! Lara, I can’t hear it anymore.”
“Sorry.” Her face twists in apology. “Worth says I have a tendency to run on about work, especially in situations where—”
“That!” I shriek, eyes wide. “Worth this, Worth that. Worth with work, Worth on romantic dates!”
Her face slowly falls, her shoulders sag, and she’s speechless.
“I’m sorry, Lara, but I can’t handle it. I’m going to just say what I came here to say.” I take in a deep breath and exhale loudly and slowly, gripping the edge of the sofa for support. “I don’t like you dating Worth.”
“Wh-what?”
“I’m glad you’re happy and have found romance, Lara.” I fix my eyes on my kneecaps. “But I don’t like that it’s with someone that close to Andrew.”
“I can’t believe I’m hearing this.”
“I already told you I wasn’t comfortable with you dating him.”
“Yeah,” she shakily laughs out. “As in, ‘it’s weird,’ but not as in ‘I don’t like it.’ Jackie, I’ve finally found someone who really makes me happy…who gets me…who clicks with me!” I slowly meet her gaze. “And I’d hardly call Worth and Andrew buddies. They work for the same firm—so what?”
“You dating Worth is like saying you approve of what Andrew’s doing to me.” There. I said it. It feels good to have gotten it off my chest. However, what I’ve just said also makes me feel like total crap. Like the world’s worst friend.
“What?” Lara’s shocked, utterly shocked. “How could you think that?”
“I don’t know!” I raise my hands in puzzlement. “It’s how I feel.”
“How could you feel that way? You know I love you, Jackie. I would never take Andrew’s side. You’re my best friend!” She shakes her head aggressively. “How? How could you feel this way?”
“I can’t help the way I feel or what I think, Lara!” I form fists and pound one into the plush sofa cushion. BeeBee sits upright, alert. “I just don’t think it’s very supportive of you to be seeing someone like Worth. It’s just—just—it’s just selfish!”
As I say this last word, Lara’s face drops. A long, awkward silence ensues, and as she picks her jaw up off the floor, I squeak out, “I don’t want you to date him anymore, Lara. It hurts me too much.”
“It hurts you to see me happy?” she says slowly.
I nod quickly.
“It hurts you—you!—to see me finally happy?”
“Yes, dammit!” I shout. “Is it so much for me to ask that you not sleep with the guy who works with my cheating husband, huh?”
“You’re out of your mind, Jackie.” She sets her mug of tea down and briskly pushes her loose strands of highlighted hair behind her ears. “You are the selfish one. This is absurd. You’ve taken selfish to a whole new level! I can’t believe this is happening. I can’t believe you’re saying these things!”
“I wanted to be honest.” My tone registers to a more normal volume. “I screwed the honesty pooch in Paris with Sophie, with Em, hell, with Andrew.” My voice begins to quake. “This Worth thing’s been eating me up lately, and…it just feels good to tell you how I honestly feel.” I feel my fists sweat. I unclench them, but then my hands begin to shake, so I form fists once again. “I hope you’ll understand.”
When Girlfriends Let Go Page 33
