by R. R. Banks
“Little House on the Prairie?” I ask, thoroughly confused. “What's that?”
“I don't suppose you had cable television out there, did you?”
I shake my head. “No, Raymond liked to tell people television was the work of Satan and watching it imperiled their souls.”
“Given some of the crap on TV today, I'm not convinced it's not actually the work of Satan,” he says and laughs.
The waitress drops off a plate with the dessert Eric had ordered and two cappuccinos, departing without another word – or even so much as a glance in my direction.
“This is a chocolate molten cake with a port wine glaze,” Eric announces.
“Let me guess,” I say with a smile. “The best in all of San Diego?”
“You know it.”
I take a spoonful and pop it into my mouth, my eyes almost bursting immediately. I chew it slowly, savoring every flavor that fills my mouth.
“Oh my, God,” I say. “That –”
“Let me guess,” Eric says. “It's the best thing you've ever tasted?”
We laugh together and as I look at him, I feel my heart swelling again. This has been the absolute best night of my life. Of course, given what I lived through, that bar was set pretty low. But still, this whole experience has been amazing.
I look over at the table Eric had pointed out to me earlier. The same couple is still there with the same look of pure love on their faces. I bite back the feeling of jealousy that wells up within me and turn my thoughts to something else. Something Eric had said while we were still in Fort Collins. That, combined with the way he talked about his parents earlier made me curious.
And maybe it was my new experiences making me feel a little bolder than I normally am, but I had the overwhelming need to know more about him. There is a depth to the man that I want to explore. I can see the darkness inside of him and want to know what caused it. There is so much about him that is still so mysterious to me and I want to unravel it all.
“Tell me something,” I say.
“Anything.”
“When we were still back in Colorado,” I start. “You told me that you are an expert in beating yourself up. Why is that?”
I can see the walls around him going up and the curtain coming down over his eyes. It's not hard to see that he's a man who doesn't enjoy talking about himself. A man who doesn't like to open up and let himself feel vulnerable by sharing his emotions or experiences.
Which, for some reason, makes me want to part that veil of darkness inside of him all the more.
“You know all about the horrible things that made up my life,” I say. “It's time for you to start sharing some of yours. It's only fair. What is it that you beat yourself up for so often?”
He sighs and takes a sip of his cappuccino. Setting his cup down he leans forward on the table, resting his chin in his hands.
“I beat myself up for the men I lost overseas,” he says. “I couldn't save them all and there's some small part of me that thinks I should have been able to.”
I sit back in my seat and cock my head, looking at him. “You were in the middle of a war,” I say. “People die in a war. That's not your fault.”
“Yeah, well, that doesn't make seeing so many young guys die over there any easier.”
“Unless you're God, there's no way getting around people dying, Eric.”
A rueful smile touches his lips. “I'm a surgeon,” he says. “Haven't you heard that we're all predisposed to thinking we're God?”
I laugh. “I haven't heard that, no,” I say. “But given your power over life and death, I can see why some might think they are.”
“Exactly,” he replies.
“But it's more than that,” I say. “Even I can see that there's something more burning a hole in your heart. Something you can't seem to forgive yourself for. What is it?”
He sighs again and that dark shadow passes over his face. I see that haunted look in his eyes return and for a moment, he just looks – sad. Reaching out, I take his hand and give it a gentle squeeze.
“It's okay,” I say. “You can talk to me.”
Eric casts a glance over to that table and the darkness on his face deepens. He turns back to me and there is a grim air about him. He opens his mouth to speak and closes it again. And on his face, I see more emotion than I've ever seen from him.
“The thing I beat myself up for the most is the fact that I am a disappointment to my parents.”
“Why would you think that?”
“Because they – my father really – wanted me to follow him into the company,” he says. “Wanted me to succeed him at the top.”
“Why didn't you?”
“It wasn't for me,” he says. “I spent a lot of time there and the medical research side of the company is what really caught my attention. It's what fascinated me and really fired me up. I was young when I knew I wanted to be a doctor, not a corporate CEO. Which, of course, disappointed my father.”
I can see the pain on his face, even now, years after the fact. But I honestly don't see how his parents could be disappointed in him. He's a surgeon. A military veteran. And a good man. And to me, that's what any parent would want the most – for their child to be a good person. But then, maybe I'm just naive.
“Things got really heated when I started to voice my opposition to their military research and weapons development,” he said. “We started to argue more and more often about it. I think in a lot of ways, that was why I enlisted to begin with. As a giant fuck you to my father. I figured that if other people were going to die because of my family, then I should probably put myself in the crosshairs too. They died before we could reconcile. Hell, I don't even know if my father wanted to reconcile with me.”
I squeeze his hand again and give him a small smile with all of the compassion and care I can muster. I can't imagine the burden he must be carrying around with him every day. It has to be painful.
“I obviously don't know them, Eric,” I say. “But I can't imagine a world where they would really be disappointed in you. You're a surgeon. You save lives. You make people's lives better and you're a good man with a good heart.”
I look down at my hand laying protectively over my stomach and smile. I look back up at him and see the emotion still upon his face.
“I know that's all any parent can ask for,” I say. “If my child turns out to be half the person you are, I'll count myself fortunate.”
There's a long moment of silence between us and I can tell that he's doing everything he can to keep his emotions under control. In that way, that need for control, Eric was a little like Raymond. Unlike Raymond though, Eric sought to oppress not others, only himself.
“Thank you, Calee,” he finally says. “That means a lot.”
I cast a quick glance to the loving couple at the table across the way and then look down at our hands, clasped together. Looking back up at him, I smile.
“You're welcome.”
Chapter Thirty
Eric
I stand at the floor-to-ceiling windows in my bedroom, looking out at the darkness of the sea. The silvery glow of the moonlight seems to make the crashing waves glow as they wash up on the shore. I'm reflecting on the night and can't help but smile. Everything was perfect. I haven't enjoyed a night like that with somebody in a long time.
The feelings swirling around inside of me are intense and yet, I don't know what to do with them. It's obvious to me that I'm developing feelings for Calee. Deep, intense feelings. Feelings I didn't even know I'm capable of. The whole thing is taking me by surprise and leaving me feeling flat-footed and unsteady – things I'm not used to.
I pride myself on my control. Control of my thoughts and emotions. Control of myself. And yet, when it comes to Calee, I don't feel like I have any control. I feel adrift. Lost at sea. Overwhelmed by the intensity of my feelings for her.
But I know I can't give voice to them. Given her background, everything she's endured, I don't want to impose myself on her
. I don't want her to think I'm only doing all of this to get something out of her. To get her into bed. I don't want her believing that I'm helping her just to control her – like Raymond did.
I'm helping her because it's the right thing to do. And if there is one lesson I learned from my parents, it's that no matter what, you should always strive to do the right thing. Even if it hurts. And in this case, I know that the right thing is to not just help her reclaim her life, but to stuff all of my feelings for her down. Lock them away. And never let them see the light of day.
There's a soft knock at my door. I look at my watch and then at the door, curious. I thought Calee had gone to be a little while ago. I step away from the window and cross the room, opening the door to find her standing there, an inscrutable expression on her face.
“You okay?” I ask.
She nods. “I'm fine,” she says. “I couldn't sleep and saw your light on...”
“Yeah, I'm not sleeping either,” I reply.
She's dressed in the shorts and t-shirt I gave her earlier, and my eyes are drawn to the shapeliness of her legs and the fullness of her breasts outlined against the fabric of the shirt. I lick my lips and tear my eyes away, but she's looking straight at me, the small smile playing upon her lips telling me that she knew I was checking her out.
Without a word, she steps forward and slides her hands around my waist. My breath catches in my throat as I look into her eyes and see nothing but desire. Acting on impulse, I lean down and press my lips to hers. Our kiss goes from soft and chaste to fiery and passionate in a matter of seconds. Our tongues dance in her mouth and I run my hands through her long dark hair.
I lose myself in the kiss for a moment, but then reality comes rushing back and slaps me upside the head. I step back, feeling nearly out of breath and lightheaded. I look at Calee who looks disappointed.
“I'm sorry,” I stammer. “I shouldn't have done that.”
“Why?” she asks. “Don't you want to kiss me?”
“I – I do,” I say. “Of course, I do. But I don't want you to feel like you have to do this. This isn't why I'm –”
She steps into the room, closing the distance between us. Calee runs the palms of her hands up my chest, staring me in the eye.
“I know that's not why you're doing this,” she says. “I realized that tonight at the restaurant. And that's not why I'm doing this either.”
I shake my head. “Then why –”
“Because I want to.”
“Are you sure?”
She nods and gives me a small smile as she pulls me down into another kiss. It feels like a jolt of electricity shoots through my body as we kiss. She presses her body close to mine, grinding herself against my growing erection. Sliding my hands down her back, I give into her kiss and enjoy the feeling of letting go.
I slide my hands down, slipping them beneath the waistband of her shorts and relish the smooth skin of her ass. I moan softly when she grips my cock through my pants, squeezing it tightly. Calee raises her arms and allows me to slip the shirt off over her head. Leaning down, I cup her breasts with my hands, circling her stiff nipples with the tip of my tongue.
She shudders when I suck on one, giving it a little nip with my teeth. I feel her hands in my hair, pulling and tugging on it as I continue to lick and suck on her full breasts, kneading them with my hands. My erection is straining at my pants and I'm so hard, it almost hurts. I've never wanted to be inside of somebody more in my life.
Sliding her shorts down, she steps out of them and is standing before me completely naked. I drink in the sight of her body, savoring and admiring it. Calee looks away and I see the color flaring in her cheeks. She's clearly embarrassed by my attention. Reaching out, I take her chin in my hand and turn her head back to me.
“What is it?” I ask.
“The way you look at me,” she says. “You look at me like I'm the most beautiful woman you've ever seen.”
“You are,” I say and am surprised to find that I mean it. “You're breathtaking, Calee.”
The color in her face deepens, but she pulls me down into another kiss – a kiss filled with absolute fire and passion. She tries to pull me down onto the bed, but I don't let her. Instead, I lay her down pulling her to the edge. She looks at me curiously as I sink down to my knees before her. Parting her thighs, I lean forward and slide the tip of my tongue around the warm, wet center of her.
Calee shudders and moans as I trace my tongue around her swollen lips. She moans louder when I tease her clit with the tip of my tongue. She pulls at my hair, grinding herself against my face as I slide my tongue inside of her, relishing the taste of her.
Taking her clit into my mouth, I start to suck on it as I slip my finger inside of her. I start moving it into her harder and faster as I lick and suck on her, the sound of her moaning turning me on. She arches her back as I bury my tongue deep inside of her, crying out.
I slip a second finger into her, drawing a loud groan from her as I move back to flicking my tongue against her clit. Her breathing is growing ragged and her body is growing tense as I finger her harder and faster. She's pulling my hair and grinding herself against my fingers and mouth even harder and I feel the tension in her body growing. I know she's close.
Driving my fingers deep into her one last time, she shudders and then calls out my name. Her body is writhing beneath me as an orgasm tears through her. Slowly, her breathing begins to return to normal and she looks down at me, a wild look in her eyes and a smile upon her lips.
“That was incredible,” she gasps.
I stand up and quickly take my shirt off. Calee sits up and kisses my stomach, running her tongue up my chest. At the same time, she's stroking me through my pants, making my cock throb almost painfully and I'm aching to be inside of her.
She unzips my pants and reaches in, gripping my cock tightly. I throw my head back and moan as she starts to jerk me off, enjoying the feel of her soft, smooth hand on my cock. I look down and lock eyes with her, the feeling so intense, I'm half-afraid I'm going to come in her hand.
I step back and move over to the nightstand. Reaching into the drawer, I pull out a condom, unwrap it and slip it on before stepping back over to the bed.
“I need to be inside of you,” I say softly.
She bites her bottom lip and smiles as she scoots back up the bed. I climb after her, feeling as eager and strangely enough, as nervous as I was the first time I had sex when I was seventeen. Calee parts her thighs for me as I position myself above her, bracing my body on my arms. I look down into her eyes as I move my hips, pressing the head of my cock against her tight, wet pussy.
Her gaze is intense which makes the fires of desire inside of me burn even brighter. I slowly slip my cock into her, feeling her shudder beneath me. I slide myself into her as deep as I can go. She's so tight and warm inside that I'm nearly overcome by the waves of pleasure.
Slowly, I begin to pump my hips, moving my cock inside of her. Calee wraps her legs around my waist and grips my forearms, her nails digging into my flesh. I thrust myself a little harder and faster, setting a steady rhythm and feel the currents of electricity running along my every nerve ending.
Calee is looking up at me, pure hunger and desire in her eyes. Leaning down, I kiss her as I continue driving myself into her.
“You feel amazing,” I gasp.
“So do you,” she says, a smile upon her lips.
I feel the pressure building inside of me and grit my teeth, trying to hold myself back. I want to savor every last moment I have with her. I can't explain it, but being with her – being inside of her – it's the most intensely pleasurable sexual experience I've had in my life. It just feels – right.
“Roll over,” she says, nearly breathless. “On your back. Now.”
I look down at her and give her a small grin. “Are you giving me an order?”
“Yes, I am,” she replies.
I roll over and laugh. Even in the bedroom, I'm used to being the one
giving the orders. Setting the pace. I'm used to being the one in control. And yet, ceding some of that control to Calee feels good. Like everything else, it feels right. So, I go with it.
Rolling off of her and onto my back, I take in her glorious body as she straddles me. Her long dark hair falls down over me, tickling my face and chest. I gasp when she grabs the base of my cock firmly, giving me a nice, hard stroke. And then she's guiding it to her opening, moaning softly as she slips the head of my dick between her dripping wet lips.
“Oh, God,” she says, her voice breathy.
Calee slides herself down on me, taking all of my cock into her. Sheathed full inside of her, I moan at how tight she is. She plants her hands on my chest and bites her bottom lip as she starts to rock her hips, sliding herself up and down on my hard shaft.
Reaching out with one hand, I cup her breast, giving her nipple a firm little pinch that draws a squeal from her. I slide my other hand off her hip and onto her ass, helping guide her as she bounces up and down on my cock.
“I can't believe how good you feel,” she moans. “You fill me up completely.”
I sit up partially and take both of her breasts into my hands, squeezing them, as I suck on her nipples, licking them. She's thrusting herself up and down on my cock harder and faster and the sensations going through me are incredible. I grip her ass, sucking on her breasts as she's fucking me and know that I'm not going to last much longer.
Calee digs her nails into my shoulders, crying out as she's rocking herself back and forth on my cock, taking me deep into her again and again. I hold onto her hips as she leans back, her body starting to spasm hard. Calee cries out, screaming my name as she shudders, her nails digging deeper into my shoulders as she comes.
“Oh, my God, Eric,” she says, her breathing hard and ragged.
I lean forward and kiss her. With my hands on her ass and my cock still fully sheathed inside of her, our tongues swirl together in her mouth. I feel myself starting to throb and pulse. My balls tighten and the fire in my belly is burning as bright as it ever has.
Calee gives me a small, sultry little smile as she starts to move herself up and down my thick shaft once more. I shiver as I feel her sliding up and down my cock, relishing every second of it. She reaches down and cups my balls in her hand. She starts to move harder and faster, taking me deep into her as she gives my balls a firm squeeze.
