Breathing Black

by Piper Payne

  Austin started collecting the papers and then shoved them in my arms. “Just take these home and see if there’s anyone who sparks your interest. You never know, Larkin.”

  “Fine!” I said, stomping my foot and then smiled. “I love you both.”

  “We love you too,” they said in unison, like school children. They really needed to stop doing that; it was starting to get creepy.

  I got home later that night to find June dancing around in her mint green scrubs, blasting one of Austin’s demo CDs, making dinner. “Honey, I’m home!” I yelled, giving her time to scramble over to the CD player and shut off the music. She was in denial. I pretended I didn’t know she constantly listened to it.

  Seconds later she peeked her head around the refrigerator door, smiling with a piece of licorice hanging out of her mouth. “Hey, husband, how was your day at work? May I offer you a hot meal, a foot rub, and missionary sex?” she said, laughing, grabbing a handful of vegetables and bumping the fridge door closed with her hip.

  I hung up my coat and purse at the doorway and then sashayed across the room, papers in hand presenting them to her like a gift. I knew it would be the first thing she’d be asking for.

  “I knew you wouldn’t come home empty handed!” she squealed, throwing the veggies and what remained of her licorice on the counter and grabbed the papers out of my hands. “I cannot believe you let them do this! I was dying! I was at the gym with my headset on, audibly freaking out. Yoga chicks were giving me the stink-eye like, ‘bitch we’re trying to Namaste up in here!’”

  “I didn’t let them at first,” I said, laughing, finishing her half-chewed licorice. “Austin had me gagged and tied to my chair! And now that I think about it,” I said, scratching my head, “he’s had to have had some practice doing that … and I know he’s never been a boy scout.”

  “I don’t care if they had to club you over the head. That was awesome, Lark! Look how many applications!” She bounced on her toes in her orthopedic white nurse sneakers flipping through the stack of papers. “You could go on a date every day for months. You lucky bitch. I knew I should’ve gone into radio instead of nursing. No one finds the nurse covered in someone else’s bodily fluids sexy.” She pointed to her scrub pants that had something questionable on them.

  “Sick! Go change before you contaminate our food.” I curled my teeth in disgust.

  “Calm down, these are clean. I just spilled some soy sauce on them trying to get the lid open. We’re making stir-fry tonight. I’ll stir, you chop, and then we are sitting down and finding us Mr. Rich, big cock, and sexy.” She moved her shoulders back and forth along with her eyebrows. “You do realize I’m going to steal at least half of these applications, right?”

  “You’re all talk, you know that,” I said, rolling my eyes.

  “I know. But it’s fun to pretend.” She smiled.

  “You can take them all if you want,” I whined, but then suddenly got annoyed at my own Debbie Downer voice and walked over to the vegetables that needed chopping. “The whole point was to get Landon’s attention. According to Max, he thinks this will make him jealous and knock some sense into him. It sounded like a good idea at the moment when I was feeling bad for myself and had cords wrapped around my limbs, but now I just feel stupid and desperate.” This green pepper is going to seriously get assaulted. “When did I become this person?”

  “When Landon, the guy you’ve liked since you were sixteen years old, started messing with your head. That’s when.” She hopped onto the counter next to the stove and popped some celery into her mouth. “It’s about time you started acting like the rest of us crazy bitches—irrational and freaking out over nothing. For a while there I thought you were going to end up a lonely, old, cat lady.”

  “I hate cats,” I said, like that was the only thing I found wrong with her statement. “What am I going to do if I never see him again? What if this stupid contest was all for nothing?”

  “You pick out three of the hottest men from that pile and have wild monkey sex with them.” She pointed to the stack of papers with her spoon and looked at me like it should be a no brainer. “Someone in this apartment needs to be having sex.”

  “It’s different, June. I don’t know why, but it is.” I grabbed the cutting board and brought it over to the stove, sliding all of the food into the wok.

  “Larkin, you tortured yourself enough in high school, by choice I might add. Don’t do it this time around.” She shook her head. “I can’t believe I’m condoning this relationship.”

  “You’re right. Let’s change the subject.” I flipped back on Austin’s music, turning it up just to torment her.

  We finished cooking and sat down to eat dinner. June was hilarious going through all of the entry forms, making herself her own pile. This time I was taking it a little more seriously setting aside guys I might actually be interested in.

  “I think every week you should pick a guy to go on a date with. The requirement is that he has to have a hot friend to go out with me. That way you aren’t going on dates with any weirdos by yourself.” She waved her fork around with a self-approving look.

  “Let’s just work on picking one guy for right now.”

  “Fun hater,” she said, sticking out her tongue.

  “Hussy,” I said back, crumpling up and throwing an application at her, laughing at the irony of my words.

  “Ahhh! What if that was Mr. Right!” she said, grabbing the ball of paper and un-wrinkling it. “Hmmm … Nodnal Kcalb, he sounds Croatian.”

  “You wouldn’t like him. Under ‘dislikes’ he wrote vanilla and eating cake,” I said to the sugar junkie.

  “What? Who doesn’t like eating cake?” she scoffed.

  I grabbed her empty plate and started cleaning up dinner. “What time do you have to go into work tonight?”

  She picked up her phone to look at the time. “Oh crap! I have to go! Don’t clean the papers up. I want to finish looking at them when I get home.” She gave me a huge hug and raced to the door, grabbing all of her stuff in a frenzy. “I’ll see you in the morning. Lock the door behind me and let’s plan on going out Friday night, because I don’t have to work.”

  “Sounds fun!” I walked her out of the apartment and as she started heading down the stairs I yelled, “Love you! Seduce a doctor tonight in the supply room so we have something else to talk about other than my messed-up love life!” I laughed and shut the door behind me.

  Time to get drunk and find myself a date.

  Dating. The word caused physical ailments, like nausea and dry mouth. Pretending I knew how to date was exactly like pretending I knew how to swim: everyone thinks I know how to do it, I pretend I know how, I even have the bikini, but I’ve only really waded my feet in the pool a little bit, and if I were to jump in completely I would drown. Point proven with Landon.

  After my second shot of tequila, I decided I was going to follow through with trying to make Landon jealous. The contest was going to happen anyway, so I might as well take advantage. After my third shot and at the very bottom of the applications was where I found the man who was going to make it all happen.

  Larkin,

  My name is Sydney and I’m submitting this for my younger brother, Jesse White. I’ve been a long-term listener of the show, and from the day you started I thought you’d be a perfect match for my brother. He would kill me if he knew I was doing this, so I pretended I needed his help with a college paper about online dating so I could get him to fill out the questionnaire and he totally bought it!

  Jesse isn’t like other guys out there; he has a hard exterior but I know what he’s missing is the right girl to make him happy to show him what it’s like to really be loved. He’s funny, talented, and successful in everything he does. He has the biggest heart, and I know he’s going to make some lucky girl really happy one day. So if there is any chance that he gets picked, could you please contact me first, just so I can be the one to tell him what I did. I really hope you pick him! He
’s amazing and I think you two would really hit it off!

  Sydney White

  SOCIOLOGY 680

  Sydney White

  Searching for a Mate: The Rise of Internet Dating

  Name: Jesse White

  Age: 27

  Relationship status: Never married/Single

  Children: None

  College Degree: MBA Finance

  Occupation: Musician

  Height: 6’1

  Body Type: Physically fit

  Color Eyes: Hazel

  Color Hair: Brown

  Drink: Sometimes

  Smoke: Never

  Favorite Food: Any and all types of sandwiches, peanut butter M&M’s, or anything that my mom makes because I will admit I’m a mama’s boy

  Favorite Musicians: Jimi Hendricks, Led Zeppelin, and Johnny Cash

  Turn-offs: Tramp stamps, too much makeup, ditzy, fake, insecure

  Every New Year's I resolve to be: A little less cynical and to finally start putting the toilet seat down.

  What am I usually doing: Listening, playing, writing, and recording music.

  I'm a sucker for: Girls with pouty lips and mischievous eyes

  Nobody would believe it if they saw me: Get married

  Biggest fear: Ending up in a relationship like my parents’.

  What do you want in partner: Someone who can be my best friend and lover, and someone who can love the best and the worst parts of me.

  What makes YOU a good partner: I’m good with my hands. I’m a guitarist, remember?

  What qualities do you look for when dating: I don’t date. But if I did, I’d look for someone who is honest, down to earth, tenacious, ambitious, and can rock my world in the bedroom.

  My pet-peeve is: Texting. Just call me if you have something to say.

  My major accomplishment: Having my sister and brother-in-law choose me as my nephew Jake’s godparent.

  As I read the other pages of Jesse’s questionnaire his answers made me excited and curious. He was a little cocky, but it was almost refreshing because he wasn’t being fake, let alone trying to impress anyone to win a date. I would’ve chosen him on profile alone, we had similar interests and he seemed honest and a little enigmatic. Okay, and maybe because he played the guitar. I was a sucker for a guy that could play the guitar. But when I saw his picture it sealed the deal. White fitted tee, nice body, torn jeans, and tattoos. He was one of those guys I liked to call a hook, line, and sink-her. Trouble with a capital, tear-your-heart-out. Golden-brown disheveled hair, a little longer on the top but styled and edgy. His eyes didn’t look one hundred percent hazel, and I sat there studying them like they were a mystery.

  Yes, this was trouble.

  “It looks like someone is having a better morning,” Max said, smiling as he walked into work balancing three takeaway cups of hot chocolate in his hands. “Does that mean Mr. Mother Trucker showed up groveling at your doorstep last night?” His face looked so hopeful for me.

  “Nope.”

  Max frowned and handed me my drink, “Hmmm … we’ll just have to up the antics today.”

  I choked taking my first sip that was already way too hot. “No! Max, for the love of God let’s not! We shouldn’t have done it in the first place. I had a moment of weakness, but if Landon wants me then he knows where to find me.” I gave Max the you-know-I’m-right glare. “Besides, I think I found someone for your stupid ‘Love Me Larkin’ contest, which will do the job all on its own.” I tamed the giddy smile trying to creep across my face, playing off my excitement like it was no big deal.

  “Seriously?” he asked, mouth pulled down in surprise.

  “Yes, seriously. Except it might be tricky because he didn’t actually send in the application, his sister did. So we need to contact her and see if he’d be interested.”

  “Larkin, you had tons of men that wanted to go on a date with you and you’re choosing someone who didn’t even apply?” He rolled his eyes. “You’re so damn complicated.”

  “It’s one of the main reasons why I chose him.” I shrugged.

  “Alright, let me see this guy’s application.” He stuck out his hand.

  “His name is Jesse White,” I said, digging the paper out of my bag handing it over.

  “What about Jesse White?” Austin said, walking into the room, throwing his stuff on his desk.

  “Our dearest mistress has chosen a beloved to woo, court, and fornicate with.” Max waved the application in the air while leaning back in his chair.

  Austin grabbed it from his hands and started to read it over. I watched his eyes move from left to right and he immediately started laughing.

  “What’s so funny?” Max and I asked at the same time.

  “Really, Larkin? Jesse White,” he said, leaning over my shoulder, setting the application down on the desk in front of me. “Pick someone else.”

  “What! How come? Do you know him?” I asked.

  “Just trust me. Pick someone else.” Austin was serious. His sharp, flat, no nonsense voice told me there was a story behind it.

  I eyed him with annoyance, ready to get it out of him. To my surprise he exhaled and sat in his chair already giving in. “He’s a local god on the guitar. I’ve seen him play numerous times and he always gives me a musical boner, but I’ve heard a lot of bad shit about him. I’m not sure if any of it’s true, but I wouldn’t want to be the one to find out.”

  “What kind of shit?” Max piped in.

  “Let’s just say I’ve heard he’s a womanizer and he has a bit of a temper.”

  “Where did you hear all of that, written on one of the bar bathroom stalls?” I scoffed.

  “It’s just the word around the campfire.” He put his hands up, not wanting me to shoot the messenger.

  “Listen, it’s one date. No big deal. We’ll most likely eat dinner and call it a night. Please don’t make me pick again.” I stared at Austin, waiting for a response, but he just stared back. I could tell his stubborn ass was not going to change his mind. “I’ll bring my pepper spray, and if he’s a complete asshole, I’ll make up some rumor on the radio about him having a small penis and STDs. It’s not like the ‘Love Me Larkin’ segment is that big of a deal.”

  “Um, guys, I actually need to talk to you both about something.” Max sheepishly adjusted his glasses. “The big boss wants us to continue the contest until the end of the week. It’s been a huge hit and we’ve had a lot of new sponsors interested in the segment. One of them is the owner of the Stone Mountain Resort in Park City; apparently he listens to the show and wants to host the entire date up at his resort on Valentine’s Day. He’s going to provide overnight lodging, a romantic dinner in their restaurant, and a whole bunch of other perks.”

  “Are you crazy? I could barely deal with yesterday’s phone calls! Plus, I am not spending the night with some stranger!”

  “I know. Calm down. We’ll just do a fifteen-minute segment each day taking calls, and you can still pick this Jesse guy if you want. As far as the overnighter, I was thinking after you had dinner we could send lover boy home and all stay up there together and go snowboarding the next day.”

  “That’s not the problem here, guys,” Austin said angrily, “you need to choose someone else, Larkin. I don’t like the idea of you going on a date with that guy.”

  “First off, this is your fault this date is even happening. Secondly, I would have zero friends if everyone stayed away from me just because of what someone else said, so I’m not going to throw out judgment on someone I’ve never met. Neither should you.” I stood up and pointed directly at Austin. “When I first met you, I heard you were some asshole that liked to bang girls with your drum sticks and pierced his own Prince Albert with some hydrogen peroxide and large sewing needle. But look at us now … I chose to get to know you, and now I love your crazy ass. Thirdly, we might be arguing over nothing. I don’t even know if he’ll want to go on a date with me. Remember, his sister signed him up.”

  “Only one o
f those rumors is true,” Austin said, huffing with folded arms, backing down from the discussion. “If you pick him, then I’m tagging along.”

  “You’re going to be the third wheel on our date?”

  “No, I’ll … I’ll … bring a date up there and at least you’ll have someone close by if something goes wrong.”

  “God you’re overprotective.” I smiled at my own protest because he knew I actually liked him acting all caveman, big brother on me. “Now who wants to call the sister and snag me a date with the womanizing ass?”

  Max wasn’t kidding when he said we would be continuing with the segment. The saying be careful what you wish for keeps ringing through my head. Today wasn’t too horrible. They actually let me talk to the callers, but all of a sudden I felt like I was whoring myself out for ratings and sponsors. Austin said he would call Jesse’s sister after work. He wanted to make sure everything was on the up and up and then eventually talk to Jesse himself if he agreed to go. I could already picture the interrogation.

  At about 9:00 p.m., after June had left for work, I took two shots of tequila and started filling up the bathtub with scorching hot water. With forced determination, I poured in my favorite oils and bubbles. I was trying to change my ritual. Old habits died hard and my shrink suggested I switch it up a bit. So I turned on some music, lit a few candles, and pulled up my hair as I dipped my body into the sweet contradiction.

  I’d tried to not let Landon consume my thoughts. I hit the anger stage realizing I might never see him again without being able to address what had happened. I wanted at least an explanation, regardless of if it would hurt my feelings or not. I must have completely repulsed him to make him disappear after he spent over a month pursuing me daily.