Breathing Black

by Piper Payne

  “I’m flying back to Salt Lake tomorrow. I’ve been working non-stop so I could come back sooner.” His voice seemed strained as he searched for the right words. I pictured him twisting his watch robotically. “Why didn’t you tell me about your mother?”

  I tried to silently wipe away the tears that flooded my cheeks. For days all I’ve wanted was to hear his voice. “I … I wanted to … it’s just … it’s not something I like to talk about.”

  “I told you I want to know everything about you. I wish I were there right now. I’ve been so consumed with finishing this project for my father that it’s all I have been focused on. Once I’m done, it will all be different.”

  “Why haven’t you called sooner?” I felt desperate. I recoiled as I said it. I was not this girl.

  He took a deep breath into the phone. “Because if I talked to you, then it would be harder for me to focus and take care of the things that are keeping us apart. I can’t tell you all the details but I want you to trust me.” He sighed. “All I think about is you.”

  We hung up after talking for a few more minutes. He wanted to know in detail about my mother’s death. I felt self-conscious, like he wanted to know the details so he could figure out why I was the way I was. Like my mother’s death would explain it all. I told him there was more to the story but was something I’d share when I saw him again.

  I lay there letting the sun beat down on me through the icy cold glass and started writing in my journal. The contents inside weighed heavily on my lap, begging me to open up the secret compartment, the items my favorite escape, but I didn’t.

  “Hey, sleepy head,” June said as she threw a pillow at me.

  I woke up and looked out the window. It was already dusk. I’d slept half the day. “What’s wrong with me?” I rubbed my eyes groggily.

  “Emotional exhaustion. Haunting Mommy memories.” She jumped onto my brass bed, wrapping my dark plum-colored silk quilt around her like she was ready to stay a while. Like she was ready to stay and force me to talk about my feelings, but I wasn’t in the mood. Maybe that was why I liked to be alone in my room. It was moody. Dark wallpaper. Dark colors. Dark lighting.

  Our doorbell rang. June looked at me to see if I was expecting anyone but I shrugged, not knowing who it could be.

  June hopped off the bed and went into the living room opening the door. “Hey, June, is Larkin home?”

  I knew that voice; even hearing it across an entire room still gave me the same shiver I’d felt on Saturday night. I immediately ran to my bedroom door as June was about to let Jesse inside, but she spotted me frantically shaking my head and mouthing “NO! NO! NO!”

  “OH! On second thought…” she started closing the door, moving her body in front of him so he had to step backwards into the hallway “…she left. I forgot, sorry. Yeah, she left and isn’t coming back. I mean, she isn’t coming back for a while. Can I give her a message?” At this point I was banging my palm into my forehead. We really need a peephole.

  “Look, I know she’s here because I just saw her lying in her window. All I wanted to do is give her these and thank you both for helping save Aaron’s life.” June looked back at me hiding in my room.

  I rolled my eyes, sighing, as I walked into the living room and swung open the front door. “No thanks needed. Glad he’s okay. Good luck with the drugs and everything.” And then I slammed the door in Jesse’s face.

  “I heard you on the radio today. I’m sorry you had to go through all of that.” Jesse raised his voice so I could hear him through the closed door. “My dad is an alcoholic and I don’t take drug or alcohol abuse lightly. Aaron had just got out of rehab.” He paused and then there was a soft thud that sounded like he rested his head against the door. “I’m just so thankful you were there that night. I know showing up here is pretty pathetic in the grand scheme of saving a person’s life, but I just wanted to say thank you.” I heard him set something down by the door and then he walked away.

  I looked over at June. She threw me the give-him-a-chance look. I contemplated it for a few seconds, I really did, every fiber in my body wanted me to. Instead I walked back into my room hoping to drown out the noise and chaos in my head by plugging my ears with my headphones and music. I felt guilty because I was already constantly thinking about Jesse; he was a tempting tonic I wanted to drink just to jump down the rabbit hole. Even though I was thirsty, it felt easier if I got rid of him now then if I really started to have feelings for him. I didn’t need to make my life any more complicated.

  “You know how hard it is for you to share something like your mom’s death.” June came barging in after me, ripping my headphones away. “I’m sure it wasn’t easy for him to talk about his dad to a complete stranger while staring at a closed door.” She threw a bouquet on my bed. It was full of white dahlias mixed with a collection of herbs and foliage, and entwined throughout were the most beautiful white feathers. Her face expressed exactly how I was feeling in that second. Surreal.

  As she walked out of my room she paused before shutting the door again. “Do you ever think that sometimes life is supposed to be easy, that love is supposed to be easy, but we keep choosing the hard road because it’s what feels the most comfortable? Like we’re not happy unless we’re unhappy? I wonder what would happen if you listened the next time fate, or the universe, or whatever you call it, tried to tell you something.”

  My heart started beating faster at the sight of the feathers. I hated being superstitious, but the feathers always showed up in my life for a reason, regardless of if I could figure out why. They were neither good nor bad, they were just there.

  My body that had been frozen from disbelief was soon running over to the window. “Wait,” I croaked softly, interrupting the eerie silence of my room as I unlocked the latch, and pushed up the pane letting in a gust of frigid wind. I braced my hands in the windowsill and leaned outside, looking frantically for Jesse. I couldn’t see him anywhere. He was already gone. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. Maybe it was for the best.

  “Looking for someone?” His velvet voice traveled up from underneath me. I looked down to see Jesse sitting on the stairs to the main entrance of my building. He was leaning over with his elbows on his knees, looking up at me with a smile on his face.

  I smiled, half biting my lip, as I shut the window. June eyed me suspiciously from the couch as I grabbed my coat from the entryway and ran out the door. I slid down the banister but slowed my pace, trying to act causal, as I walked outside.

  I didn’t say a word and neither did Jesse. I walked down a few steps, sitting down next to him, closer than friends but not as close as I may have wanted. The street lamp next to us softly illuminated his face as he stared out at nothing. He had such captivating features; all were very distinct. If you were to try to describe how handsome he was to a stranger you might mention his eyes because of their kaleidoscope color, or his smile that was wickedly charming, his slightly angular and defined jaw, or my favorite: his dark and seductive voice. Jesse was intense; his world was on a different axis than mine. His rotated fast, spinning with force and purpose, while mine barely moved for fear of changing the seasons.

  He broke the silence by looking down at where my hands were clasped together and asked, “Why do people choose to inflict themselves with pain?”

  I sat there shocked by his question. My own insecurities and faults rose to the surface, and I realized that maybe Jesse noticed what I try to keep hidden. Asking me that question was like asking me about why white feathers keeping showing up in my life or why my body forced itself to keep breathing when I asked it not to. How could I possibly explain it?

  I chewed on my lip before I answered. Maybe he wasn’t talking about me at all, maybe he was talking about Aaron, or his father, or maybe even himself. How could I know? What I did know was that my response for some reason was important because I knew the answer. I hugged myself a little tighter in my coat, like it would shield me from my own reflective words.<
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  “Sometimes the only thing that feels right in the world is when everything is comfortably wrong. Sometimes it hurts more trying to be happy than to be comfortable with your self-justified evils.”

  He looked over at me. We were close enough that I could feel the warmth of his breath on my lips. His eyes darkened, trying to articulate an answer. “How … what …” He scratched his head and laughed. “I’ve never been speechless before,” he said a little embarrassed.

  I smiled softly. “I’ll take that as a compliment.”

  His grin widened as his eyes looked back and forth from mine. The specks of gold and green burned fiercely and I quickly looked away. I didn’t want him to see me more than he already had. Emotion started to stir along with the temptation, it was like a connective pull tugging me toward him. The words he whispered to me that night as I was on my knees trying to bring back the life of his friend replayed in my mind. He was looking into my eyes as if I had the gift of resurgence. “You can do this. You’re so beautiful. You’ll bring him back. Larkin, please save him. God, you’re amazing. I know you can do this. Save him, please save him.”

  “Look at me,” he demanded gently as if reading my mind. I rested my head on my arms that were wrapped around my knees and slowly looked back at him. This time his face was full of gratitude. “Thank you.”

  I whispered back, “You’re welcome.”

  Landon showed up at my house late Saturday night and I uncomfortably let him in. I could see him eyeing the beautiful arrangement of dahlias Jesse had given me as we walked past the kitchen. They were in the exact spot where his once were, but the roses he gave me had wilted and died. I answered before he even had to ask, just to ease his mind and maybe even my own.

  “Those are from one of Aaron’s friends thanking June and me for everything we did last Saturday night.”

  “That was nice.” I didn’t want to think about Jesse. I didn’t want to think about anything else that’d happened since Landon left. I just wanted to return to where we left off but I wasn’t sure how to do it because our time apart had me doubting what I thought I felt toward him.

  “Larkin.” I looked up at Landon. He must have read my mind. “Nothing has changed.”

  I smiled at his words, even though they gave me no reassurance. I couldn’t quite ignore that while he was gone things had changed—my mind hadn’t always been thinking about him this time. He tucked a strand of hair behind my ear, leaning in to kiss me with the same passion he usually did. My resistance started melting and for a moment everything was right in my twisted and complicated little world.

  I could tell that he missed me. But I could also tell something was wrong. We stood there in the silence of my apartment kissing one another, expressing unsaid feelings. But I wanted more. I felt like if I let go of him again he would disappear. In an instant I was desperately holding onto his body, wrapping myself around him, as he kissed and carried me into my bedroom until we tumbled onto my bed letting the brass headboard bang against the wall.

  His kisses started out feverishly, but then he pulled away to look into my eyes. “I’m so sorry for leaving again. I know it was different this time but I had to go.” He searched for anything written on my face giving away how I felt.

  I brushed my fingertip along his bottom lip and let out a sigh. “I feel like maybe you’re not telling me something.”

  He tried to hide his guilt but I could see it flicker across his face. “There are some things I’m not telling you. But I promise I will when we get there, okay?” He brought me next to him so we were lying on our sides, face to face.

  “Okay,” I said as he brought his lips to mine and softly kissed them again.

  “I tried to listen to you every morning while I was gone.” He smiled, adjusting the pillows on my bed to get more comfortable. With a puzzled face he brought his hand out from under one of the pillows pulling out my journal that I had tucked inside.

  There was something about my journal that I would never understand: I hated it. I hated that ugly words and ugly things were written in it making even the beautiful words poisoned. A lifetime of pain spilled out in ink. Perfect letters that make up the most perfect sounds and yet I couldn’t seem to make the sentences beautiful.

  I quickly sat up and grabbed it, like it would reveal all of my secrets just by him touching it.

  “I’m sorry I didn’t realize,” he stammered apologetically.

  I paused for a moment, letting my overreaction vanish as I held onto it tightly. If anyone should be embarrassed it should be me. I let go of the breath I’d been holding and gave Landon a shy smile. He watched me intently as I began flipping through the pages. It took me a while since it was such a large book but I found what I was looking for.

  “Here.” I placed it in Landon’s hands as he sat up with me on my bed.

  “Larkin, you don’t have to do this.” He put his arms up, not wanting to make me feel more uncomfortable.

  “It’s okay. You’ve already read this before.” I nudged the book toward him and he hesitantly began to read.

  Watching his face, a hundred different emotions rolled in waves. I could tell he recognized the words. He swallowed the lump in his throat and seemed stricken with memories as his blue eyes scanned the pages; it took me back to him standing in front of our class, nervously shuffling his gray Converse sneakers. “It made me want to find this girl and save her from everyone that’s hurt her and maybe even herself.” His words stitched a piece of me back together that day. A piece I didn’t even know was missing.

  As he finished he closed my journal and sat it on my nightstand. He picked me up placing me so I straddled his lap with his arms wrapped around me looking into my eyes. “How is it that you’ve been a part of my life yet I never even knew you?” he whispered. There were tears in his eyes and I could feel him fighting his emotions as he ran his hands over his face.

  “Most of the time I don’t even know myself.” I said softly, lowering my head onto his shoulder. “Our life’s moments are strung like satellites in the night sky. Some glow brighter but others get lost in the big black ocean of stars and you’ll never even realize they existed unless you look.”

  “Larkin, you have no idea. I’ve never felt so blind.” He lifted my chin, looking into my eyes, as he fought to get out his next sentence. “Your words on the football field our senior year changed me. Afterward I felt so confused of who I was and who I wanted to be. But after a while, there was clarity. I wanted to be the type of guy that could live in the moment, make mistakes, take risks, and make my own choices, but as life went on that never really happened,” he said angrily. “Because here I am, exactly where he wanted me to be. I thought I was in control of my life, but I was wrong.”

  He touched the pages of my journal, running his fingertips over the ink. “The first time I read this, I was a wreck. My brother Patrick had come into my room a few days earlier saying that he’d found out something about my father. I’d never seen him so upset; he and my father have never gotten along, but this was different. He was trying to confide in me but refused to tell me what was going on until he made certain it was true. But after that night I never saw him again. He just packed up and left. He planted a seed of doubt in my head and then ran away from our family, leaving me to deal with everything.” He slid his hands down my arms and grabbed my wrists bringing them together in between us. “I’d been feeling so sorry for myself. I was angry at Patrick for just leaving without giving me any answers, without even saying goodbye, and then my dad for giving him his inheritance and just letting him walk out the door.”

  I brought my hands up to his face and he leaned into my touch, taking a deep breath. “One night I started rummaging around my backpack trying to find a bag of pills Dylan had given me. He said to take two and all of the bad shit I’d been worrying about would go away. I’d seen him and all of the other rich kids practically snort away their trust funds plenty of times, but I’d never touched anything like that before.
It sounds so stupid now, but all I wanted to do was escape my reality for a minute.”

  “It doesn’t sound stupid,” I said, knowing the feeling all too well.

  “I dumped all the stuff out of my backpack onto my bed searching for the drugs when suddenly I read the word Broken. I don’t know why, but I sat down on my bed, drugs in hand, and flipped over the title page and just started reading. I read it over and over again. It wrecked me. I felt pathetic. I had been crying over nothing. I knew I’d never gone through or will ever go through something compared to what that girl had suffered. My problems were so insignificant. I couldn’t comprehend, fictional or nonfictional, how a person could still wake up and keep trying without anyone in her life to take care of her or love her. I woke up the next day with a sense of clarity. Nothing changed in my life besides my outlook and attitude. My family and everything that was going on around me was still the same. I just made my choices differently.”

  “I don’t know what to say.” I wiped away a tear that ran down my cheek.

  “Don’t say anything.” His voice was hushed and reverent. “I had no idea that was you. All this time I thought it was Ashley. She told me she had wrote it, that she’d made up the story.” He closed his eyes and took a breath. “Your words have always been a turning point in my life, and you saved me from myself. I’ve never forgotten them. Any of them.”

  I could feel the moment. The change in everything that surrounded me. It was as if the cause and effect that rippled throughout my life had finally brought us here. Landon looked shaken, like acknowledging my very existence throughout his life had rocked his soul. I wanted to quiet his mind and make him feel everything as wonderful as I felt right then. I pressed my lips to his, grabbing his face in my hands. For a split second I felt him resist, I felt his breath hesitate, but then when he kissed me back it was as if a weight had been lifted off of his shoulders and he let it all go.