by Piper Payne
“Actually, I offered to buy her a drink but she turned me down, then walked away leaving me standing there like an idiot.”
“Ha! I love it! I would have paid money to see that!” Sydney chuckled.
I laughed a little too, remembering his face. “Wait a second,” I said skeptically, “did you know who I was when you came up and hit on me?” I pointed my spoon at him.
“First of all, I wasn’t hitting on you. You just looked a little parched,” he said with a shrug. Then a smirk rolled across his face as all of us women stared at him calling out his bullshit. “Fine! Yes, I did know who you were when I came up and ‘hit’ on you.”
“Oh, I think you’re going to fit in just fine around here, Larkin. I’ve never seen Jesse cave from a woman’s look, including mine and my mom’s combined.”
“Not so fast! Did you know who I was when you turned me down?” he asked with a cocky grin.
“I didn’t realize it was you until after I turned you down.” I wasn’t going give up my upper hand by telling him the moment I saw his face I almost had to pick my jaw off the floor. Recognition was only one of the reasons.
“Actually, Larkin and her roommate June are the ones who saved Aaron’s life that night.” His voice turned a little more serious.
“That was you?” His mom got all teary eyed. “Oh, darling, I don’t know how we can ever repay you. That boy has been a part of this family since Jesse was five years old. He’s had a hard life and got mixed up with some bad things but has been really trying to turn his life around.”
“He needs to stay away from that Angela chick. She’s bad news and a total enabler,” Sydney added.
“Yeah, well he’s getting help again. We’re going to search for a replacement for him in the band. We’ve all agreed, including Aaron, that it’s not fair to put him in situations where he might lose control again.”
The rest of the dinner conversation was lighthearted and fun. I enjoyed watching the interaction between him and his family. I’d been waiting for my anxiety to make its ugly appearance, but they made me feel nothing but comfortable and welcome. We laughed as Karen talked about Jesse growing up. I could see how much she adored him by the gleaming smile that wouldn’t leave her face, even though he was always getting into trouble. We talked about everything from cooking to crocheting and the radio business to Sydney’s schooling. They asked me questions about myself, but nothing too personal since it was my first time meeting them, and when they asked about my family I just answered saying I no longer had any living relatives and they were kind enough not to dig any further. As the conversations continued, I noticed Jesse starting to withdraw. He sat at the table, chair scooted back, with his arms folded and a frown that slowly grew deeper on his face. I hoped I hadn’t said or done anything to sour his mood and was worried he finally realized having me there wasn’t such a good idea like he’d thought. I knew all along it wasn’t a good idea, especially now that I’m going to leave here tonight having a little taste of what I missed by not having a family of my own.
“Darling, Jesse tells me you’re an amazing cook. The next time you’re here we’ll have to cook Sunday dinner together! I’ve always wanted to try some southern recipes; I always screw up the gravy. Oh! And the Happy Hookers will just be thrilled to have you join us one night, Sydney especially. She always complains she’s the youngest one there. It’s more of a wine tasting than actual crocheting, but we don’t need to tell anyone that.” She put the back of her hand up by her mouth and mumbled the last part as if it was a secret.
“Oh well …” I tried to politely decline but they kept talking.
“Those ladies are going to love you! They’ve been waiting for Jesse to finally meet his match!” Sydney snorted. “The next thing you know they are going to be planning your wedding so you better be careful!” Both women shrieked and laughed excitedly like we had just enounced our engagement.
Jesse stood up and excused himself from the table abruptly. My face went blank with worry, and his mother and sister’s became instantly silent, sharing the same expression.
“I’ll go talk to him,” Sydney said gravely, leaving the table.
“I’m sorry about that, honey. Jesse’s never brought a girl home before and I think we both got a little too excited.”
I twisted my napkin under the table not knowing what to say. My anxiety flipped a switch and was back just like that. It didn’t take much.
“While they’re gone I think I’ll go use the restroom.” I awkwardly smiled, standing up from the table.
“Oh of course, darling, it’s the second door on the left down the hall.”
With my stomach in knots, I headed toward the bathroom. Everything I touched turned into a humiliating mess. I thought Jesse saw me differently, but in the end I’m the same joke as every other girl that’s rotated through his place. Jesse didn’t want or plan on me being here again, so the fact that Karen was making future plans probably pissed him off. She was just being polite.
I was grateful I’d be going back to work tomorrow then out of Jesse’s house by Thursday. I’d been so consumed on the present that I lost focus on preparing for the upcoming weekend. Dinner proved that point. I had a lot more pressing issues than Jesse being upset that his mom invited me to drink wine and crochet an oven mitt. I needed to focus.
I opened the door to the bathroom and stepped inside to wash my hands. I just used the bathroom as an excuse so I didn’t have to sit there uncomfortably with his mom. Seeing my reflection in the mirror, I wondered what Jesse saw when he looked at me. What did Landon see? Would I ever be the type of girl that could fit in with someone’s family? That someone wouldn’t be ashamed of? A small noise came from the other side of the bathroom just as I finished drying my hands. I paused, waiting to see if I could hear it again. Sure enough it was a whimper. I slowly walked over to the bathtub not really sure if I should walk away or peek inside. As I heard the small cry again my instinct took over. I pulled back the shower curtain and poked my head behind the curtain.
Two beautiful hazel eyes, red and puffy from crying, looked up at me. The image shook me to my core. Jake sat with his knees curled to his stomach, surrounded by toys but lost in sadness. The sudden familiarity surged through me and I just couldn’t walk away from the mirror image of myself as a child.
“Hey, Jake,” I said cheerful but soft. “I think you have the right idea, buddy. This has to be the coolest place to eat dinner I’ve ever seen! Hang on one second and I’ll be right back.” I ran back into the empty kitchen grabbing a few rolls and some silverware, dashing off before anyone could see me. I opened the curtain and climbed inside the tub slowly, watching his face for any signs that he wanted me to leave, but as soon as I closed the curtain and turned around with the rolls I think he was happy I was joining him.
“The smart thing about eating in the bathtub is that you don’t have to worry about making a mess.” I sat down smiling and handed him a roll. He took it from me and instantly began to eat. “And if you get thirsty you can just do this.” I leaned my head awkwardly under the faucet turning the handle to get a drink, spilling water all down the side of my face. I looked over and could see him smiling with half a roll stuffed in his mouth. “My name is Pirate Larkin by the way. This is a pirate ship, right?” I looked around noticing the pirate figurines including all the characters from Peter Pan, a small cannon, and a treasure chest.
He looked hesitant, not wanting to respond, but finally nodded his head.
“Oh good,” I croaked in a fake pirate voice. “Because Captain Jesse Hook has been trying to steal my buried treasure all night so I’m going to need some help.” I opened up the silverware I’d wrapped in a napkin and his face gleamed, the wheels of his imagination turning.
“Unless you’re not up for the challenge, Pirate Jake?” I squinted one eye, pulling back the treasure, but he immediately relaxed his sad posture and started grabbing his figurines, lining them up on the edge of the tub to protect our sta
sh of silverware I’d set between us as we sat Indian style in the tub and played.
“Did you know when I was little my favorite spot to hide was my closet?” I said, praying he wouldn’t shut me out. “When I was little like you, my mommy left me a lot. It made me feel angry and sad all the time. So I’d go and hide in my closet and make believe lots of things,” I said, smiling sympathetically. His hazel eyes flickered registering my words and I knew he understood. “Even though she was gone, I would still make believe she was there with me. In fact if I played pirates I would make believe she was Tinker Bell. Do you want to know why?” He nodded his head eager to know the answer.
“Because I knew if she had wings it meant she could fly back to me faster.” I pulled out Tinker Bell and flew her around the tub, landing her on his knee. “So we’ll just have to figure out who your dad can be, that way he can always be with you whenever you go to your special hiding place and play.” I searched his face hoping I wasn’t making him feel uncomfortable. He seemed to be accepting my words so I continued. “Hmmm … I wonder which one is like your dad?” I squinted, eyeing all of the toys making him smile, “What’s your dad like?” I asked him the question more for him to think it over than to reply back to me.
His eyes searched through the characters. “Well …” he said, but stopped abruptly not used to the sound of his own voice. He swallowed hard unsure he wanted to keep talking. “He’s b-b-brave and nice, and he likes to tell stories, oh and he’s really strong, and my mom tells me he fights off pirates.”
Tears clouded my eyes briefly. “Well then…” I cleared my trembling voice “…what about …” I grabbed Mr. Smee and displayed him like a trophy to Jake with a silly expression on my face seeing if he would play along.
“No.” He giggled. “Not Mr. Smee silly!”
“Oh okay. You’re probably right. He’s not very brave.” I grabbed the tick-tock croc and displayed him the same way I did before with an even sillier face.
“No, not the tick-tock croc!” He laughed even harder. “He’s a crocodile!”
“Yeah, I bet it’s pretty hard to be nice when all he wants to do is eat everyone.” I twisted my lips and scrunched my nose, “Gosh, I wish there was someone that was—”
“Peter Pan!” He giggled, grabbing the figurine from the pile of pirates, “He’s brave and nice and he can fly just like Tinker Bell, just like your mom!” I was trying not to bawl. I was trying not to grab ahold of him and hug him and cry and kiss his cheeks.
“You’re right! You’re so smart! You know what’s even better is that Peter Pan fights off pirates and he loves stories!” He nodded, excitedly soaking in everything that I’d said. “Plus he’s always with you when you see this.” I raised up my hands and wiggled them around. He looked at me funny until I pointed to the side of the tub where our shadows were. He laughed and started to wiggle his arms around just like me. “My shadow,” he said in childlike awe.
“Thanks for protecting my treasure. You and Peter Pan make sure Captain Jesse Hook doesn’t get it or I’ll have to walk the plank.” I plopped the pirate hat on his head then stood up saluting him. I started getting nervous that I would screw things up so I thought I better leave while he was smiling instead of making him cry somehow by saying the wrong thing.
When I looked at Jake I saw myself. The circumstances were different but our actions were the same. His eyes looked empty from time lost without a father, and he was too young to comprehend the complexity of it all. It broke my heart that a child ever had to feel the way I felt. How could you describe at that age that the only thing that will ever fix you is for him to come back. Jake will hopefully have that chance that I never did. If I was to take anything away from tonight it would be to remember how far I’d come from being that scared little girl that use to hide crying alone in her closet.
I opened up the curtain to leave but standing there in the bathroom doorway was Jesse, Sydney, and Karen. My heart sank and I could feel the blood leaving my face. What was I thinking? I should’ve just washed my hands then went back out to the kitchen and minded my own business. Sydney’s face was streaming with tears as Karen rocked her in her arms. I stepped out of the tub and wrapped my arms around my stomach, nervously walking toward the doorway.
“Mommy, don’t cry. Daddy can be our Peter Pan and you can be Wendy!” Jake said, holding up the toys showing them to her with excitement.
She raced over to him, jumping in the tub and grabbing him so she could hug him and kiss his face. I avoided eye contact with Jesse and his mom as we all walked out of the bathroom to give them some privacy. I shouldn’t have been nosy. It was just that when I looked at Jake it reminded me of myself and it broke my heart. I hoped I could explain to them that I didn’t mean to make Sydney cry or fill her son with crazy nonsense like Peter Pan being his dad.
Karen continued to the kitchen but Jesse stopped and grabbed my arm pulling me toward the front door.
“Aren’t you staying for dessert?” Karen’s eyes were mixed with emotions.
“No, we better go.” I felt his grip tighten as he pulled me outside. I didn’t even get to say goodbye or thank them for having me. I felt torn between trying to explain myself and just letting the inevitable happen and walking away not making things worse.
We drove in silence back to his house. Once he pulled in his driveway he sat there with his foot on the brake not putting the car in park or turning off the engine. “Look, Jesse, I’m really sorry. I should’ve never went with you tonight. I didn’t mean to—”
“It’s fine,” he said. “I need to think. Go inside and lock the doors. I’ll be back later.” He threw me his house key and waited for me to get out of the car staring straight ahead with his hands gripped on the steering wheel.
I didn’t want to argue and make things worse so I got out of the car and shut the door. He pulled away right as my feet hit the concrete and sped down the road.
Sometimes I think my scars are beautiful, but then I remember not everyone shares the same love of art.
After midnight I tried to stop worrying about Jesse so I could get some sleep, but it was pointless. I lay in bed tossing and turning, trying to get my mind off of the day’s events. For a moment tonight at the dinner table I let myself enjoy, wonder, and feel what it would be like to be a part of a family. To picture Karen looking at me with adoration, just a sliver of how she looked at her children. My heart swelled at the possibility and now I cursed myself for allowing such dreams to enter my mind. Dreams were a plague; they made you start believing things could be different and suffocate the reality. This was why I didn’t meet families and this was why I’d never have one.
At 1:15 a.m. I heard the front door open. I immediately flew out of bed and raced to the living room. For the past thirty minutes I’d pictured something horrible happening to him, so like an emotional love-struck girl I ran out to make sure he was all right.
“Jesse, are you oka—” I skidded to a stop as he staggered into the house reeking of booze.
“Are you drunk?” I asked, with a dazed stare.
All he did was chuckle. Heavy lids and childish, he bumped past me leaving the door wide open. I walked over to close it but was blindsided as a half-dressed blonde strutted into the house carrying her passed out friend. “Wow, nice house, Jesse!” Her voice sounded like a spoiled party girl, dragging out the last letter of each word. “Where’s the bedroom so we can finish what we started at the bar!”
Biting down on my lip I tried hiding my hurt and disgust. I stood there in the doorway, arms to my sides, knees about to give way, watching as Jesse pulled a beer out of the fridge and twisted it open with the hem of his shirt. The blonde didn’t even see me standing there. She just threw her friend on the couch and then pranced over to Jesse, pulling her top over her head, tossing it so it fell to the floor by my feet.
“Hey, do you think once my friend wakes up she can join us? She’ll be really pissed if I don’t share since she’s the one who spotted you
first.” Her hands moved to the front of his pants. She had nails that had been chewed, sore and red. I looked up to see Jesse staring back at me his expression was cold and blank. He grabbed her other hand, the one that wasn’t stroking him, and took her back to his bedroom. I stood there until I heard the lock click.
I felt the pain swelling inside of me, piercing nerve endings, sizzling my heart like a snail. I shut the front door then walked into the guest bedroom clenching my hands into fists. He’s not mine. He’s not mine He’s not mine. I wanted to go in there and rip her off of him, pull her out into the street by her hair. I wanted to cry and yell at Jesse for being so callous and coldhearted. Did he feel nothing for me? If this was payback for what happened earlier, I could hardly see the justice. If I meant so little to him, why was he trying to hurt me this badly?
I wiped the tears pouring from my face and scrambled to gather up my things, suddenly revolted at the realization of how Jesse heard me in the bathroom that first night. The walls in his house are paper thin; I could hear every moan and kiss that came from his bedroom. In that moment I never wanted to see Jesse White EVER again.
Before I left I ripped a page out my journal and taped it to his bedroom door. I grabbed the blonde’s car keys she left on the coffee table next to her friend and with my belongings I walked out Jesse’s front door and out of his life.
February 9th, 2013
My whole life I’ve run away from everyone and everything. I’ve hidden the broken pieces inside of me, out of fear of cutting someone else with my jagged shards of glass.
But Jesse sees me. All of me. And instead, I feel like a unique and intricate kaleidoscope that he’s trying to comprehend and understand. I knew it the moment we were sitting on the stairs in front of my apartment. He doesn’t ignore or try to pretend my pain isn’t there. It’s almost as if he’s trying to feel it along with me. I can hear it in the music he plays when I’m near.
