by LK Shaw
Now, it was my turn to shift uncomfortably, and I had a hard time looking Clarissa in the eye. “She’s fine. She’s working on finishing up her degree. She should graduate in a few months.”
She narrowed her gaze, her hazel eyes studying me. Damn it. I had never been able to keep secrets from my little sister. Somehow, she saw everything.
“Your left eye is twitching, Philip. I know that means you’re hiding something.”
The back of my neck grew hot, and I felt the flush spread across my face. It was ridiculous that a thirty-six year old man blushed so easily. My sister just continued to stare at me impatiently. I knew she’d let the silence get so thick that I would be forced to fill it. It was how she worked when she wanted to know something I didn’t want to tell her. I hated the heavy silence.
“God, you’re a pain in the ass.” I rolled my eyes at her. “So, apparently Casey has decided it’s time for her to overcome her traumatic past and replace the memories of what was done to her with new memories. She wants the two of us to…do it.”
Clarissa’s eyes opened wide in shock. “You mean like ‘do it’?”
Didn’t I say women’s brains worked much faster than men’s? It took her a lot less time to work through it than it had me.
I nodded. “Yeah, pretty much.”
My sister knew I was head over heels in love with Casey Santiago, even if Casey herself didn’t have a clue. A look of pity flashed in her eyes. God, I hated that useless emotion. The town had pitied us when my firefighter dad died in a four-alarm blaze when I was five. Then again when my older brother overdosed when I was thirteen. Six years later, my mother was hit in a head-on collision by a drunk driver that left her paralyzed from the neck down. This was the catalyst that had me discharged from the Marines. I’d been in Afghanistan for five months when I got the call to come back in order to care for her and, a then fourteen year old, Clarissa.
“What are you going to do?” she interrupted my memories.
I leaned back in the leather seat as my distracted gaze watched the girls now running around in the backyard, screaming like banshees. “I have no idea.”
3
CASEY
For the last sixteen months, I’d been taking fast-track online classes working toward my bachelor’s degree in accounting. Then, I planned on pursuing my MBA. My sister, Josie, had hooked me up with one of her friends who worked as a financial advisor. Even though I didn’t have any work experience, he’d given me a job. He’d mentored me when I first started out, until I’d gained my confidence. Now, that I was close to graduating, Marcus had taken a step back and let me work more independently, even though he still supervised. I couldn’t have my own clients until I had my degree in hand.
I was currently going over a client’s portfolio for him. Except, I was struggling to concentrate on my work. All I could think of was Philip and the question he’d left hanging yesterday. What if he did fall in love with me? Could I love him back? What if I couldn’t? I never wanted to hurt him. Damn, why did life have to be so complicated?
I’d lost track of how long I sat there reliving Philip’s words, but the sound of the phone ringing roused me. I checked the caller ID before swiping the screen to answer the call.
“Hey.”
“Hey, sis, how are ya?” My sister’s cheerful voice always made me smile. Our father, Charles Santiago, had disowned Josie when I was only fifteen. Until she saved me from my father two years ago, we’d spent the seven years before that apart. Since then, we’d grown remarkably close, especially when I discovered all she had gone through to protect me from our father. I owed my life to her.
“I’m good. Just taking a short break from work. My eyes were starting to cross at the portfolio I was working on anyway, so I needed a rest,” I paused, debating on whether or not to add the next part. Apparently, my mouth decided for me. “I talked to Philip yesterday.”
“And? Don’t leave me hanging. Did he say he’d do it?” she rattled off quickly.
I heard the excitement in her tone. She’d been trying to match-make forever. Any opportunity she had to throw Philip and me together, she did. Birthdays, Christmas, New Year’s. You name it.
“He said sex complicates things, and he didn’t want to risk ruining our friendship. Then he asked what would happen if one of us fell in love, but the other didn’t. He made damn good points, even if I’m not happy about it.”
Josie was unusually quiet. Finally, she spoke. “Let me ask you this. Do you think you could love him?”
Now, it was my turn to be silent. I thought about it. Could I love Philip? I adored him as a friend. He was kind and generous and totally made me laugh. So what if he was a little older than me. Yeah, I could easily love him. But, what if he didn’t love me back? Worse yet, what if I couldn’t get past this fear of sex I had? There were times when just the thought of it was suffocating. Like I was drowning in a thick, black mist as it invaded my chest with each breath I tried to take. I choked on watery vapors that penetrated my lungs. I shivered just remembering the horrible sensation.
Then, I would see Josie and her husband, Miles, who were the most affectionate couple I’d ever seen. Their relationship was beautiful and loving. I’d catch them holding hands, leaning into each other, whispering in the other’s ear, soft, sweet kisses, and I could literally almost feel the love radiating off them. It was during those times that I pictured Philip and me in their place.
Laughing together, affectionate, sharing not-so-sweet kisses and suddenly, I’d get a heavy, throbbing feeling, and I’d start to tingle inside. I’ve tried touching myself a few times, and while it felt good, there was this deeper, stronger sensation that always managed to elude me. I was twenty-four years old and had never orgasmed.
“I think I could definitely love Philip,” I said, finally answering Josie’s question. “Now I understand what he meant by sex complicating things though. I think I’m going to tell him I changed my mind. I don’t know if risking our friendship is worth it. Besides you, Philip is the only true friend I have.”
“I’m going to give you a piece of advice even though you didn’t ask me for it. I was in love with Miles for years, but he only ever saw me as a friend. Until I made this grand gesture and completely put myself out there. Then, suddenly, he saw me in a different light. It was the best, and the hardest, thing I’d ever done, but in the end, it paid off. Sometimes the biggest risks are for things that mean the most. You want to get over your fear of sex and intimacy. Maybe Philip can help you, and maybe he can’t. Yes, it might ruin your friendship. Then again, it might bring you more love and happiness than you ever thought possible. All the things you deserve. But, you’ll never know until you take a chance.”
“I’ll think about it,” I acquiesced. “Now, was there anything special you needed, or were you just calling to say hi?”
Josie let the sharp change of topic go without another word. “I called because Miles and I are having a cookout Saturday, and I wanted to invite you over.”
I hesitated because she knew I wasn’t terribly comfortable leaving my house. I visited her and Miles on rare occasions, but only because I forced myself. It was why I took online classes and worked from home.
“It’s totally low-key. Just family.”
I couldn’t help laughing at that. “Your ‘family’ consists of like eleven people, twelve if you include me. That is not my definition of low-key.”
“Immediate family, then. You, Miles, and me. Please say you’ll come.”
“Fine,” I huffed out. “What time do I need to be there?”
“Thank you! Be here at eleven-thirty. Love you.”
“Love you too. Bye.”
Great. I had two days to psych myself up into leaving the house. I was going to need them.
When I’d first started visiting my sister’s house, we tried to make it as stress-free as possible. Together, we called for an Uber and ended up exchanging phone numbers with the driver, Kelsey. Each time I went to vi
sit, I’d call and arrange for her to pick me up. That way, I knew whose car I was getting into. If Kelsey wasn’t available, I’d skip going over there.
It was close to noon, and I was late. I didn’t have any excuse other than a panic attack. They still happened on occasion, but for the most part, I’d learned to control them, and they weren’t as severe as they used to be. Josie had called and talked me down from it. She asked if she needed to come get me, but I waved off her question. Kelsey was already on her way, and I hated to inconvenience her. Besides, I was an adult. I could do this. If I couldn’t even leave the house by myself, how did I expect to have sex with someone? I was taking back my life. Even if it was in baby steps.
After Kelsey dropped me off, I stood for a minute in the driveway, taking in the smell of hamburgers on the grill. My stomach growled, and my mouth started watering from the odor as I walked around to the side and let myself in the gate of the privacy fence.
Miles spotted me and waved just as I latched the door shut.
“Hey, Casey. I’m glad you could make it.” He set down the grilling spatula and pulled me in for a hug. It had taken me a long time to not flinch when he hugged me, and now I accepted them with only the slightest twitch.
“Thanks for inviting me. I’m so sorry I’m late. I take it Josie’s inside?” I gestured with a nod.
Miles shifted uncomfortably and ran his hand across his chin a couple times. “Yeah, about that. Just so you know, it wasn’t my idea.”
“What was —” My words were cut off when the sliding glass door opened, and I turned to see my sister step out. She broke into a huge grin when she saw me.
“Yay! You’re here. I didn’t hear a car pull up.” Josie hurried over, wrapping her arms tightly around me as she whispered, “Don’t be mad.”
I threw Miles a confused look. “Why would I —”
“Hello, Casey.”
My breath caught at that voice. I looked over Josie’s shoulder to see Philip standing inside the door frame, looking gorgeous as always in a tight navy t-shirt that only accentuated his broad shoulders, thick, muscled arms, and his tapered, narrow waist. He’d forgone his typical blue jeans and black combat boots for a pair of khakis and brown deck shoes.
“Hey, Philip. I didn’t expect to see you here.” My eyes darted quickly to Josie, who didn’t look at all guilty about her obvious matchmaking attempt. How I had missed his truck out front, I had no idea. Maybe because I’d been so focused on my breathing exercises and not throwing up. That sometimes took all my concentration.
He stepped onto the deck and made his way down the stairs to join us, his heat-filled glare directed at Josie. “I could say the same thing.”
I wasn’t sure if his words were meant for my sister or me. Either way, I was happy he was here.
“Well, I’m glad to see you regardless.” I smiled at him to let him know there wasn’t any awkwardness between us. We were still friends.
My heart skipped when he returned the smile, and I knew all was well. “Me too.”
Soon, the four of us were sitting around the patio table, passing the food around, talking, and laughing like usual. Miles was telling some corny joke, and Philip and I traded sly glances, communicating silently in our own secret language. It made me realize that everything was going to work out.
4
PHILIP
The minute I spotted Casey outside talking to Miles, I knew I was going to go through with her request, but on my terms. For me, this wasn’t just about sex, even if that’s what Casey thought she needed. Oh, I had no illusions that this whole thing was going to blow up in my face. But, if I could give her even a modicum of hope at having what she considered a “normal” life, then I would do my best to help her. Even at the risk of my own heart. Casey had her whole life ahead of her. Whereas I was on the downhill slide to forty.
I needed to remember that this was for Casey. As I mentally came up with a plan of action, Josie and Miles rose from the table. I quickly moved to help, but Josie waved me back.
“You guys just sit here. We’ll get everything.”
I lowered myself back into my seat, and they worked to clear off the table. Casey sat there looking beautiful in her pink tank top and white capri pants with her caramel-colored hair pulled back in a ponytail. She’d even painted her toenails a matching hot pink. Women’s toes had never done anything for me, but I suddenly found myself oddly fascinated with Casey’s. It had my mind wandering, again, to what the rest of her looked like.
“So, how did Josie convince you to come over?” Casey’s voice distracted me.
I laughed and leaned back to rub my full belly. “The only enticement I ever need is free food.”
Casey laughed, and I loved that I was able to make her smile. I glanced toward the house, but didn’t see any sign of Josie or Miles. I was pretty sure they were intentionally making themselves scarce. I nervously cleared my throat.
“So, I wanted to talk to you about what you asked me the other day.” My gaze kept darting between Casey and the house, praying the other couple stayed inside.
Excitement gleamed in Casey’s eyes. She scooted toward the edge of her chair, sub-consciously leaning a little closer to me. I could see the dark blue ring around her eyes and almost count all the little freckles on her nose. I blinked before I got lost in those same eyes.
“I’m listening.” She was trying hard not to sound overeager I could tell.
“I know that I’m going to regret this, but I’ll help you.”
Casey danced in her seat and started to say something, but I held up my finger. “Before you get too excited, I have conditions.”
Her adorable nose wrinkled at that. “What kind of conditions?”
“First, we’re going to take this slow. We’re not just going to jump into bed. If we’re going to do this, we do it my way. Second, if at any time, something doesn’t feel right, you have to tell me. I don’t care what we’re doing or in the middle of. If you’re overwhelmed or scared or nervous, we stop and re-evaluate. Finally, if either of us feels like this ‘thing’ is starting to ruin our friendship, we call it quits. Agreed?”
I sat back in my chair and watched all the emotions cross Casey’s face as she contemplated my rules of engagement. It was fascinating to see them. She would make a terrible poker player.
In a move that had me smirking, Casey reached across the table with her arm outstretched to shake my hand. “Deal.”
Slowly, I leaned forward and clasped her hand in mine and gave it a firm shake. When she went to pull back, I tightened my grip just enough that she didn’t escape, but not enough to hurt. She froze, and I let up slightly as my thumb began a slow caress. Casey’s pupils dilated, and her lips parted as she let out a breathy sound that had my cock hardening beneath the table. It was time to start getting her used to my touch, especially if I had any hopes of helping her overcome her fears.
I almost groaned when she licked her lips. It was the move of a seductress, but I knew Casey was nothing like that. She was the most innocent and naive woman I’d ever met, and any moves of seduction she might make were purely natural and without artifice. The door slammed, shattering the moment between us, and Casey quickly snatched her hand back, putting it in her lap. She rubbed it with her other hand, though, in a nervous gesture.
“Hey, are you guys coming inside or what?” Josie asked with a little too much enthusiasm.
“Actually,” I pushed back from the table, “I should get going. My sister needs me to watch the girls for a couple hours tonight while she and Larry have date night. Thanks for lunch.”
Casey stood as well, almost knocking the chair over in her haste. “I’ll walk you to your truck.”
Josie shot her a questioning look, but nodded. “Come on inside when you’re done.”
I walked with Casey through the side gate and out to my pick-up. I leaned against it as she shifted her weight side to side, chewing on her thumbnail, her nervousness evident. I wasn’t sure what she wan
ted to say, but I patiently waited.
“Don’t tell Josie,” she blurted out. She hastily added, “I’d told her I changed my mind. If she knows you agreed, it will get her hopes up. She means well, but if she thinks there’s even an iota of a chance that you and I might become a couple, she’ll be insufferable. I love my sister, but I don’t know if I can handle her constant questions. So, please don’t say anything.”
I held back a flinch at her words. As though us being a couple wasn’t even an option in her mind. Instead, I moved off the truck and stepped close to her. The wind shifted, and I caught the sweet smell of her coconut shampoo. I cupped her cheek and squatted down a little so we were eye level. “What happens, or doesn’t happen, between us is no one’s business but our own. So, no, I won’t say anything to her. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
Almost against my will, I planted a light kiss on Casey’s forehead. It was the first time my lips had ever touched her skin, and I forced myself not to linger even though I wanted to. I jumped into my truck before I did something I would regret. Tomorrow would be soon enough to start Casey’s introduction to intimacy.
5
CASEY
Philip’s kiss was burned into my forehead for hours after his lips no longer touched me. It was a heady feeling. If I felt the heat from just the briefest of touches, I expected I’d go down in flames before this was all over. Even as fear tickled my brain at the thought, another more prevalent emotion took the reins. Excitement danced in my belly. I’d woken up this morning giddy and nervous, but in a good way.
Normally, I didn’t put much stock in my appearance, but today, I found myself taking a little extra time to get ready. I dabbed on some light pink lip gloss, added some eyeliner and mascara, and barrel curled my hair. I painstakingly flipped through every piece of clothing I owned, eventually settling on a bright yellow, maxi-dress with big, white flowers and a pair of white wedge sandals. I almost added some jewelry, but I thought that was a little overkill.
