by Susanne Beck
"Do you?"
"Do I what?"
"Regret what you did?"
As she looked at me, her eyes were very serious. "Yes, Angel. I regret it very deeply. Though part of me revels in what I did to those kids, a bigger part feels very guilty. But regretting my actions won’t bring them back any more than it will bring Boomer back. And regretting my actions won’t stop me from doing it again. If you need proof, just look at what I almost did to Psycho when she killed Josephina. I’ll never be able to control that part of myself. I’m not even sure that I want to." Smiling sadly, she tilted my chin up. "I am who I am, Angel. All the regret in the world won’t change that."
Placing my hands over her larger ones, I gently drew them away from my face, kissing each before clenching them in my own. I looked deeply into her eyes and began to speak. "Ice, I know you believe that. That you’re nothing but a murderer. But you’re not, you know. You are so very much more than that."
Chafing her hands gently with my thumbs, I smiled. "You might think that what happened with Psycho proves your point, but it really proves mine quite nicely."
Ice tilted her head. "How do you figure that?"
"You could have killed her. I know you were ready to. But you didn’t."
"I would have, if you hadn’t been there."
"Maybe. But that’s not the point. The point is, you didn’t."
"Because you stopped me, Angel!"
"Exactly how did I stop you, Ice? Did I physically overpower you? Did I pull you off of her and fling you across the jail?"
"No."
"Right. I simply talked to you. I reminded you of things you already knew. I only appealed to the goodness already in you, Ice. Nothing more than that."
She opened her mouth, then closed it again. I could tell by the expression on her face that she very much wanted to argue the point. "But . . . ." Her voice trailed off.
I smiled more broadly, doing my own impression of a shark moving in for the kill. "No ‘buts’, Ice. You’re a good woman underneath all that bluff and bravado. You know it. I know it. There are things that you’ve done which are horrible, some might even say evil. But you’ve also done some wonderful things. Things that even people who are supposedly ‘good’ all the time would never think or try to do. Yes, there’s a side of you that’s fueled by an intense rage. And there’s another side of you that’s capable of great things. What you have to do is choose which side rules your actions."
"It’s . . .not that easy, Angel."
"No, it isn’t. And maybe that’s part of the reason why I’m here. Why we’ve become such good friends. Because I can see that part of you that maybe not many others know is there. And maybe I can help you bring it out more often in situations where rage is the only thing you know to turn to."
Ice shook her head. "Those are noble sentiments, Angel, but . . . ."
Releasing one of her hands, I placed my own hand on her chest, palm down over her strongly beating heart. "This . . .is a good heart, Ice. It’s an honorable heart that’s been beaten and bloodied. Let it heal. Let the rage and the guilt of the past go. You’re right when you say that those emotions won’t bring anyone back. Don’t let them kill you too. You’ve been dying inside for too long already."
"I don’t . . . ."
"Ice, let me help. Let me try to make you see the person I see every time I look at you."
With a sad smile, Ice gripped my hand as she stepped away, lifting it up and brushing her lips against my knuckles. "I don’t think that’s possible, Angel. But thanks. It means a lot that you would want to do that for me."
Leaning in toward her, I placed my hands lightly on her hips. "Let me try, Ice. At least give me that. Please?"
I found myself falling into her eyes once again. "Alright," she said after a moment, her voice deep and warm. Leaning over, she sealed her words with a gentle kiss. Then, grinning, she stood, gripping my legs and swinging them fully onto the bed. "And that, my dear, concludes story hour. Off to bed with ya. I’ll have some tea and broth ready for when you wake up."
She untwisted and smoothed out the sheet, then tucked it up under my chin. Brushing the hair from my eyes, she placed a kiss on my forehead, then straightened up, tipping me a wink. "Sleep. Now."
"Yes, Ma’am!" I grinned.
"You’re learning." Smirking, she turned to leave.
"Ice?"
"Yeah?"
"Thanks."
With another wink and a casual wave, she left my cell. I fell asleep almost immediately, a smile on my face.
PART 11
SPRING’S TRIUMPHANT RETURN brought with it a return to health for most residents of the Bog. The flu had hung on long and hard, eventually taking the lives of three more inmates by the time it decided to leave us.
As I child, I’d always been prone to head-colds that turned quickly into bronchitis, and as an adult, it appeared, that hadn’t changed. Sickness had stuck with me like a secret lover through the rest of the long, dark winter, leaving me thin, pale and weak.
When the sun came out to play, warming our little corner of the world, I went out right along with it, running through the grass like a giddy schoolgirl and stopping only when my still weakened lungs saw fit to voice their displeasure through a spasm of coughing.
Every time I ventured outside, I fended off the pleas of my fellow inmates to again reprise my role as the Bog’s ‘star’ short-stop. Breathing infield dust all day was something I had the feeling my lungs wouldn’t be very thankful for. Instead, I spent my time slowly rebuilding my weakened muscles with the other Amazons at the free weight area.
Spring also brought with it some welcome news in the form of a plain white package stamped with the official State Seal. Inside was the printed copy of my official court transcript. Corinne and I spent many an afternoon laboriously going through each and every paragraph, word and punctuation mark looking for that elusive piece of evidence that could lead to an appeal for me.
Those afternoon searches were fruitless exercises, for the most part. No magic Rosetta Stone appeared to guide us through the hundreds of pages of legalese that twisted the mind and beguiled the eyes. Even Corinne’s ‘jailhouse lawyer’ friends couldn’t provide answers where there seemingly were none to be found.
During one such afternoon, Ice came to the library to visit on an infrequent break from her auto shop duties. Her hair was in wild disarray, her face lined with greasy smudges and, at that very moment, my welcoming eyes had never seen a more beautiful sight.
Grabbing a chair and turning it, she sat down, her forearms resting casually on the back as she looked down at the sheaf of paper decorating the table. "Any luck?"
I sighed, resisting the urge to just sweep the whole pile onto the floor.
"I’ll take that as a ‘no’."
"A big one. I’m about ready to just chuck it all."
"Don’t do that just yet. I may have someone who can help."
"Oh? Who?"
"A friend. She’s an excellent criminal defense attorney and I’ve heard she’s recently narrowed her practice to handle cases just like yours."
A pang of hope lit my heart before I could stop it. "Really?"
Ice smiled crookedly, laying a hand atop my wrist. "Yeah, really. Her name is Donita Bonnsuer and if she’s still talking to me, I’ll try to hook you up with her. Maybe she can help."
"Still talking to you? What happened?"
She shrugged. "We had a little difference of opinion."
My curiosity gene kicked into high gear. "Over what?"
"She wanted to represent me at my trial. I refused. End of story."
"Oh, come on, Ice! You’ve gotta give me more than that!"
Rolling her eyes, Ice looked over at Corinne, who was sitting beside me, then back to me. "Angel, there really isn’t any more to tell than that."
"Of course there is! Why wouldn’t you let her represent you?"
"A couple of reasons. One was that this was a case involving some very bad in
dividuals who, as you now know, will stop at nothing to get what they want. I didn’t want her tangled up in the middle of all that."
I nodded. "That makes sense. The other reason?"
Her eyes twinkled as the corner of her lip smirked upward. "A bit of conflict of interest. She’s an ex-lover."
My jaw dropped, but before I was able to investigate that interesting little bombshell, I was interrupted by the strident ringing of the fire alarm. Seconds later, Sonny, face and uniform smelling strongly of smoke, ran into the library, her breath coming out in heaving pants. "Quick! The laundry room’s on fire! There’s about twenty women trapped in there and Critter’s one of them!"
Ice and I jumped up from the table at the same time, though her longer strides led her more quickly from the library and toward the site of the fire. The klaxon rang loudly in my ears and was soon joined by the screams of terror coming from within the laundry room. Smoke plumed out into the prison proper from the long hallway housing the laundry facilities and I choked as I ran closer to the conflagration, pushing the milling, panicking inmates and guards aside as I tried to keep Ice within my sights.
I skidded up to the doorway just in time to hear Ice demand to know what had happened. Pony was there, a panicked look on her face. The doorway itself was on fire, a beam of some sort having fallen diagonally across it preventing entry or exit from the room.
"I think it started with one of the dryers," Pony choked out, her voice hoarse from the thick smoke that bellowed from the room. "A whole table of sheets went up like a bomb. Critter and I tried to get out as many as we could, but then that beam fell down and trapped the rest inside. Please, Ice, you gotta do something!"
By this time, several guards had arrived carrying buckets of water and thick towels. Ice grabbed two towels, dunked them into the water and tied off one around her lower face and draped the other over her head, covering her hair and neck.
My stomach sinking through my feet, I grabbed her arm, whirling her to face me. "You can’t be serious! Ice, don’t go in there! That’s suicide!"
Pulling my hand from her arm, Ice pushed me back into Pony, who clamped me tightly against her body.
"Ice!! No!!"
Taking a step back to stand against the opposite wall, Ice took in a deep breath, then launched herself at the door, diving through the small space above the burning beam. I saw her tuck and roll as she landed, then spring quickly to her feet and run almost directly into the fire.
Wrestling myself away from Pony’s tight grip, I grabbed one of the buckets and threw the water on the fire blocking the doorway. Steam hissed out at me as the flames drew away for a moment, only to spring back to life quickly. Sandra pushed me aside to add her own water, then tossed down the pail and accepted another from the quickly forming bucket brigade made up of inmates and guards alike.
The fire in the doorway went out just as the first of the trapped women was propelled out into the hallway, gasping and choking, sooty tears making ghoulish tracks down her blackened face. I gently passed the woman down the human chain of onlookers just as another came stumbling out, followed quickly by another.
I looked up to see Ice carrying another woman in her arms. She ran up to the door and thrust the limp body into Pony’s sure grasp before turning back for more. She’d made it just a step or two away from the door when a huge explosion sounded inside the room. A large tongue of fire belched out from the charred doorway, instantly turning one of the guards into a human torch.
Without thought, I stepped forward, tackling the woman onto the floor and smothering the flames with my own body. My hands were instantly burned, but I continued to beat the fire out with them until more people arrived with wet towels. Then I jumped away, patting out the smoldering areas on my own uniform.
"Angel!" Pony yelled.
I turned. "What?"
"Your hair! It’s on fire!!"
Reaching up, my hands burned again as I touched the flames that seeded themselves in my long hair. I almost lost consciousness as a towel, heavy with water, came flying down over my head, dousing the flames and obscuring my breathing and vision. Yanking the towel away, my first sight was of Pony’s concerned face peering closely into my own.
"Are you alright?" she asked.
I took stock of my body. My hands were red and swollen and I’m sure I looked a mess with half my hair missing, but I was okay for the time being. "I’m alright," I confirmed. When I looked back into the laundry room, all I could see was an unbroken wall of fire just beyond the doorway. My guts twisted up inside of me as I realized the implications and I had to fight not to vomit on my feet. "Ice!!" I screamed, fighting to be heard from beyond the blockade of flames.
Hearing nothing in return, I spun to glare at Sandra. "Where in the hell is the fire department?"
"They’re getting here as quick as they can, Angel."
"Fuck that!" I screamed, grabbing a few towels from one of the guards and throwing one to Pony. "I’m not waiting for the fire department! People could still be alive in there!"
Running back toward the door, I used the towel to try and beat down the flames. After a second, Pony joined me. I felt a push against my other side, and when I looked, I saw Sandra stepping in, a determined look on her face as she tried to help douse the fire.
Buckets of water flew over and around us, dousing us and the fire in an attempt to beat it back. Another towel was handed to me and I tied it around my face. I was already choking from the smoke but wasn’t about to stop what I was doing. I would help get this fire out or die trying. Stopping was not an option. Hang on, Ice. God damn it, you’d just better hang on.
It was soon very obvious that we were fighting a losing battle. For every small step we made, another explosion would chase us away and the wall of flames would rise up once again. I began to sob as I continued to beat at the flames as if they were a living thing. I could hear myself screaming incoherently as rage filled me, eclipsing everything else.
Several pairs of hands reached in to pull me away. I snarled like a wild beast, refusing to be turned from my task. My throat was raw from screaming and my eyes stung from smoke and heat and heartbroken tears.
Sandra and Pony worked together, one grabbing me high, the other, low, literally lifting me off of my feet and carrying me away from the fire. I thrashed and squirmed, my balled fists hitting any inch of flesh I could in an attempt to get free.
Their combined strength was too much for me and I screamed Ice’s name as the wall of flames became smaller and smaller in my tear-trebled vision.
Big men in bulky suits and breathing units pushed past us in the narrow hallway, bearing axes and thick hoses with which to fight the fire. Thanking any and every god who would listen, I let myself go limp in the grip of my captors, and when they relaxed as well, I squirmed out and away from them both, running back down the hallway screaming Ice’s name.
Pinning myself between a firefighter and the wall so I couldn’t be recaptured, I watched as the men quickly and efficiently doused the flames with the high powered spray from their hose. Within moments, the fire was out, leaving behind a thick, black, oily smoke that continued to stream out into the hallway, choking us all.
What was left of the laundry room was almost pitch black. The light from the hallway invaded scant inches into the room. One of the firemen lit a high powered flashlight, illuminating the interior.
I moaned and retched as the charred remains of human beings became all too visible in the brilliant light. Water dripping from within the cavernous room was the only sound to be heard.
"Nooooooooooooo!"
A voice I didn’t even recognize as my own filled the silence as I rushed forward, deftly dodging the outstretched arm of the fireman.
Bodies littered the floor, many burned beyond recognition. I stumbled over them, running onward, searching, sobbing. The sound of running footsteps grew loud in my ears and when a heavy hand came down on my shoulder, I whirled and punched a very surprised fireman in the che
st, sending him back several steps.
Turning again, I stumbled forward, my mind screaming as my heart pounded out my wild grief. Another ceiling beam laid out across the floor and I ran to it, slipping in the dirty water that pooled on the floor.
Pinned beneath the beam was Ice, the bottom of her uniform burned almost totally off her body. Beneath her, protected by her long frame and tight embrace, lay two more women, one of which I could easily identify as Critter. All three forms were totally motionless.
"Oh God," I sobbed, squatting down to my knees and reaching out a shaking hand. "Ice? Oh, God. Ice? Please wake up! Please!" I touched the skin of her upper face. It was still warm, but that could have been from the fire. Her neck was obscured by the beam crushed against her back and her arms were pinned beneath the two women she’d tried to save.
Standing up quickly, I grabbed the still smoking beam, not caring that my hands were being scalded. With an effort that came from somewhere outside of my natural ability, I moved the beam upward an inch or so, then pulled it toward me, grunting with the strain.
Within seconds, several pairs of hands came to my aid, pulling the beam completely away from the trapped women. I dropped to my knees again, reaching beneath the towel that still covered Ice’s mouth and nose, searching blindly for a pulse.
"Oh, thank you, God," I sobbed, finding one. It was weak and thready and much too fast, but it was there. "Oh God…Oh God…Oh God…Ice, c’mon now. It’s time to wake up. You can do it. Just open your eyes. Let’s see those beautiful baby blues, alright?" I reached in, grabbing her shoulder and shaking it hard. Her head lolled with my motions but she remained deeply unconscious.
Rough cloth brushed against me as one of the firefighters squatted down next to me. I turned to him, grabbing the fabric of his coat and pulling his upper body toward mine so that we were face to face. "Do something!" I wailed, not caring in the least how desperate I sounded to him or anyone else.
