by Davis, Barry
"The congressman walked down the street to his appointment at a neighborhood elementary school. There he danced with a classroom of school children. Tell me how he did all that with a broken leg?"
"Can you tell us how he survived the accident at all?"
Elias ducked his head, his contrition having to substitute for his boss'. He looked up, making eye contact with the Wolf Monitor.
"Wolf, as you know, Reverend Wiley recently admitted to a drug problem."
"Yes, I recall. He made some unfortunate remarks at the New York City prayer breakfast. Are you saying he was under the influence this morning?"
Elias nodded. "Unfortunately, yes, Wolf. The congressman had a group session with his fellow addicts and someone spiked his latte with a cocktail of PCP and LSD."
"Wow, so that's how he was able to walk away from such a horrendous accident?"
"Yes. But he was able to walk off the accident and gamely continued on his schedule to spend time with the children."
"Mr. Turnbull, that sounds almost heroic."
Elias smiled. "Wolf, it's not heroism if it's what you do every day. No sacrifice is too great when it comes to Congressman Wiley and the babies of our community."
Blitzer, sensing this rooster going to full feather mode, knew his 'big interview' was a dud. His producer was buzzing in his ear to end this mess. There was a story hitting the wire about Sarah Palin banging an NBA player and the producer had the cleaning man from an Alaskan motel holding for an interview.
"Elias, thank you so much. I appreciate you coming on – you really cleared up this fake controversy."
"No problem Wolf, thanks for the opportunity."
The red light switched off the camera facing Elias. He stood and the pretty technician switched her way over. "Good job," she said.
"Thanks," he replied. "How about we do something later?" He put his hand lightly on her wrist.
The woman smiled. "Sure," she said. "Just bring one of those cocktails that your boss took. Any shit that lets you get hit by a car and walk away has to be out of this world." She jotted her cell number on a half sheet of paper.
Elias looked at her as she walked away. He shook his head once, twice, finally through sheer will he left the room. Before he hit the doorway he balled the paper in his hand and dropped it into a trash can.
The next morning Wiley's limo pulled in front of the World Affairs Club. Mookie, drafted as driver in light of Wiley's 'condition', walked around and opened the rear door. Elias emerged first, followed by Chi, Jan and finally Wiley.
They made their way into the lobby. As the four entered the voluminous space, Jan and Wiley were arm and arm. A supporter approached Wiley. He was a black man, shabbily dressed. He matched the pace of the four as they did not stop.
"Reverend Wiley, I have a drug problem too."
"You gonna vote next Tuesday?" Elias asked.
"No, I live in Brooklyn."
"Then you need to start stepping back to Brooklyn and get your drug ass out of our way," said Elias.
Chi brushed the man aside. "Tell your story walking, brother."
The man stopped and stared at the group as they entered the ballroom.
Wiley and Elias were seated on the dais along with a score of other officials. Chi and Jan stood near the ballroom's exit doors, poised for another quick escape.
The chairman of the World Affairs Club addressed the audience.
"Our honored guest today is Congressman and Reverend Benjamin Wiley of the Fourth Congressional District here in New York. We invited Representative Wiley to share his observations from his position as a member of the House Foreign Affairs Committee. I understand Representative Wiley is in some measure of personal discomfort. His chief of staff Elias Turnbull will escort Representative Wiley to the podium. Please welcome Benjamin Wiley to our meeting."
The audience of mostly gray haired white men applauded politely. Elias assisted Wiley to the podium, positioning him in front of the microphones before taking his seat.
Uncomfortable seconds flew by as Wiley looked the crowd over.
Finally: "God ain't got nothing to do with it!"
Wiley paused. From the audience rose an uneasy murmur.
"Time to ride the white wave!"
The audience applauded.
"The world we live in today is ripe for healing. And I want all you to go out and heal somebody today! I say heal somebody! We need to heal this world."
The audience's applause grew.
"Time to ride the white wave!"
Louder applause. Elias, from his seat, looked out onto the audience with astonishment and joy.
"The itsy bitsy spider went up the water spout. Down came the rain and washed the spider out. Out came the sun and dried up all the rain. And the itsy bitsy spider went up the spout again."
Thunderous applause.
"Time to ride the white wave!"
Audience members leapt to their feet. Striking while he was ahead, Elias hustled Wiley from the podium and out the room. As the four left the ballroom, the Chairman struggled to restore order.
In a Washington residence a neat bank of televisions showed the Chairman speaking live on CSPAN.
"I am sorry Representative Wiley's time was brief. I have to say that I am personally emotionally affected by his remarks. The symbolic palette from which he spoke was truly astounding."
Two men and a woman stood in front of the televisions.
The man said, "That was really deep. We need to find out who wrote that. I could use somebody like that to write the State of the Union."
"Yes, Mr. President." David Axelrod jotted down a quick note on his iPad.
"Congressman Wiley doesn't like me, does he?"
"No sir. He's one of the black politicians who bite their tongues."
"He's a tongue biter?"
"He hates our policies but won't say so because you're black."
"Right, David. Got it."
The white man changed the channel to CNN. There, the political commentators were extolling Wiley's remarks.
Axelrod turned down the sound.
"That's too bad he doesn't like us. We could use him on our team."
"Maybe I can speak to him about joining us," said the female.
"Michelle, if you can do that, that would be very special. You've always known what to say to real, one hundred percent black people," said her husband.
"I struggle with the whites." The woman hung her head.
"I know. You'll get better one day. Maybe you want to try that blonde Beyoncé wig now?" said her husband.
"Maybe."
The trio watched CNN then flipped to Fox. Even the Republicans had good things to say about Wiley.
"A man of such vision, such a powerful speaker, would be an asset to the administration. And my re-election campaign. See what you can do, Michelle. Try to get the brother on my side."
"We could use more authentic blacks in our camp," added David.
After hiding out in the coat room for several minutes, Jan, Chi and Elias hustled Wiley through the lobby.
"What the hell happened in there?" Chi asked.
"Wiley is alive!" Jan replied. The three paused as a loud growl emanated from Wiley. "And hungry."
Elias tugged on Wiley's arm to get the man moving toward the exit.
"I don't know about that but he might be a better candidate dead than alive," he said.
Finally outside the four stepped quickly past a male reporter doing a live remote. A small white man stood to his side.
"With me, Chet, is Truman Burnsdale, who witnessed Representative Wiley's stirring remarks. What was your reaction, Mr. Burnsdale?"
"To only thing I can compare the address to is Martin Luther King's 'I Have A Dream' speech. So powerful. The man is a genius. The white wave. I am astonished a black man would acknowledge the white man's dominant role in our country, our world. What a man! What a speech!"
"There you have it, Chet. Representative Wiley knocked them dead a
t the World Affairs Club."
The four reached the curb but Mookie and their limo were nowhere to be seen.
"Where's the limo?" Elias asked.
"I called him from inside. He should be here any minute," Chi replied.
A strong growl rose overtop the NYC traffic noise.
"He needs to eat," said Jan.
"Eat what? I haven't seen him eat anything," Elias said.
The scruffy Brooklyn 'supporter' approached the group.
Elias stepped in front of the man before he could get to Wiley. "Hey, didn't we tell you to take a hike, stupid."
The man attempted to speak around Elias. "I was trying to be friendly to you, Reverend Wiley. One addict to another."
Chi smacked the man in the head. "Come on, get lost!"
The man staggered back, reached for something in his ragged coat.
He pulled out a gun. "No, you get lost. All I wanted to do was to speak to Reverend Wiley."
Elias and Chi backed away as the man approached Wiley.
"Y'all treated me like dirt. I'll show you."
The man placed the gun to Wiley's mouth.
"Oh no, he's going to shoot him!" screamed Jan.
The limo pulled up. Distracted, the man's eyes shifted for a second from Wiley to the car. In that moment Wiley's mouth assumed its shark-like dimensions and he bit the man's arm up to his shoulder. He gingerly removed the bloody gun from his mouth and tossed it into the street.
With a jerk and a slurp, the arm was gone. Blood gushed from the empty space.
The bum looked at Wiley and then started screaming.
"He ate my arm! He ate my arm!"
Elias hustled Wiley and Jan into the limo. Chi stood there, frozen, staring at the man, who was now on the ground bleeding profusely.
Passersby began to stop, stare in wonder. Most pulled out an electronic device to call 911 or film the scene for upload to social media.
"Chi, come on, man!" Elias shouted. Still, Chi did not move.
"Come on!"
Chi still doesn't move.
Elias jumped into the limo. "Screw him. Get us the hell out of here, Mook!"
The limo shot off. Chi, still in shock, pushed past the crowd now gathered around the bleeding man.
The limo zoomed uptown. "Now I know what happened to that reporter," said Elias. He looked over Wiley before giving Jan his full attention. "And you knew all about this."
"Ben needs to eat."
"He ate the woman reporter?"
"Of course, he gets hungry like anybody else."
"Girl, you or I get hungry, we get us a sammech. He eats people or their body parts!"
"Ben is becoming more alive. You said it yourself: he's a better candidate now."
"Don't get too used to him, old Ben will be gone in another six days."
"What do you mean?"
"What do you mean, what do I mean? We told you. We don't need him after Tuesday. I can take over then."
"Oh."
"We just gotta get past tomorrow's debate and we'll be home free."
"What do you plan to do to him?"
"We'll dump his ass in the ocean. Maybe he can find Nemo and eat him."
Jan laughed politely. Unseen by Elias, she gave Wiley's hand a comforting squeeze.
Chairman Simmons interrupted the witnesses' testimony. "Mr. Turnbull, why not report the crime to the police, give up Wiley and this fraud?"
Turnbull looked away, head down, and finally looked back at his colleague. "I had the fever. I was going to be a member of Congress, no matter what. We only had a few days before the election. It didn't matter to me about the man's arm. It didn't matter to me that Wiley killed the reporter. I just wanted to be a representative and nothing would stop me."
"You had a very callous attitude then, Mr. Turnbull."
"It would take a while for my eyes to open, Mr. Chairman, but they did."
"Yes, evidenced by the fact that you are here. Please continue."
The door chime hummed deeply in the Arabian Magic Shoppe as Chi entered. Hamid stood behind the counter as an assistant stacked bottles on a nearby shelf.
"I was wondering when you'd show up. So, you know what he eats," said Hamid.
"I know what he eats."
"Now you want it that he doesn't eat what he eats."
"I saw him tear a man's arm off!"
The assistant doesn't stop her stacking. Chi leaned in close to Hamid. "Can I say that in front of her?"
"Say what? She hears customer complaints all the time." He shrugged.
"About people being killed?"
"Worse than that. One time a customer complained when my goat pooped on their Persian rug. Man, it was hard getting that stain out!"
"Anyway, what can I do about Wiley?"
"He's always going to eat."
"How do I stop him?"
"Only, one way. You need to hack him up."
"Take him apart?"
"He ain't Frankenstein. You don't get to unscrew his parts. You need to hack him up. With a hatchet or saw. Pretty simple."
Chi nodded. "Yeah. Simple."
Capshaw headquarters was empty except for the candidate. She had on her coat and she was at the door to the apartment, poised to leave.
Just as she reached for the doorknob, the door swung open. Her campaign manager Humphrey entered.
"I've got some news."
"Can it wait? I'm late for the Black Republicans meeting."
Humphrey closed the door. "No, Delores, I have something that can save your campaign! I just got a call. The person is saying Reverend Wiley was involved in the death of a reporter and also had something to do with the incident in front of the World Affairs Club this morning."
"You're saying he killed someone?"
"Exactly!"
"If he's a murderer, that would give us the election."
"Well, I wouldn't go that far, this is Harlem. But it should at least make the race tighter."
"Get to the press. Tell them we have an important announcement to make."
"My source says the police are investigating."
"We'll downplay that. That would gain Wiley votes. Half of Harlem is under police investigation."
At the opposing campaign headquarters another meeting was in progress. In the large conference room sat Jan, Elias, Wiley and Mookie. Chi entered the room.
"Where you been?" asked Elias.
"He tore somebody's arm off. I had to make sure that the police weren't interested in him as a suspect."
"Are they?" asked Jan.
"No. They think the guy's a terrorist that blew his own arm off," he lied.
Using a throw away cell purchased at a bodega he had called the police, tying Wiley to the maimed man in front of the World Affairs Club and the missing reporter. For good measure he anonymously called the Capshaw campaign.
"Did he say anything about Wiley?"
"Plenty. I don't think the cops believed him, though."
"What makes you say that?" asked Elias.
"The way they were laughing gave me a clue." Chi sat, pointed to Mookie. "What's he doing here?"
"We've been talking strategy about tomorrow's debate."
"Talking strategy? With him? Ain't that like playing solitaire by yourself?"
Elias stared at him for several beats, shook his head. "Whatever, man. We came up with a plan for tomorrow."
"Yeah, we got a plan," said Mookie.
"There's no way Wiley's gonna win that debate."
"No way," echoed Mookie.
"We need to cut the debate short. Have him show up but somehow there's no debate."
"Yeah, show up but no debate."
"So, Mookie came up with the idea of cutting the power to the hall."
"Yeah, cut the power."
Chi looked at Mookie. "Do you know how irritating that is?"
"Yeah, when I lose power, I never can find my flashlights. I end up walking down to the Korean place for some candles."
El
ias spoke, cutting off Chi before he could engage Mookie. "Mookie, quiet man. No power, no debate. We hold tight till Tuesday. We'll win in a landslide."
"Then you get rid of Wiley?" asked Jan.
"Glub, glub, glub," smiled Elias.
"That's what I want to talk to you about. I think we need to get rid of him now! Man, he's eating people!" said Chi.
"Our candidate was defending himself," said Elias.
"He ate his arm!"
"I feel like eating something right now myself," said Mookie.
"What about the reporter?" asked Chi.
"Nah, I ain't no cannibal, man," Mookie deadpanned.
"What about her? She broke into Wiley's house," said Elias.
"Come on, man. You and I both know this is wrong. We got to do something about Wiley before he kills someone else. You don't want that blood on your hands, do you?"
Elias considered his response.
"Hey, he's a politician, he's always got blood on his hands," said Mookie.
"You're not making any sense Chi," Elias added.
"I'm the only one making sense. Hamid told me how we can stop him."
"You talked to Hamid about this?"
"Yeah, I needed to know how to stop him."
Jan leaned forward. "What did he say?"
"We have to chop him up. It's the only way."
"Why would I do that? Huh?" asked Elias. "Six days before we win the election."
"Because he's going to kill again!"
"Long as it ain't me, I don't care," replied Elias.
Chi shook his head.
"Listen, Chi. Once the election is over, we'll get a chain saw and take him apart. Till then, it's in our best interests to have him in one piece. Okay?"
"Okay. But right after the election, we do it."
Elias nodded in agreement.
"I get the head," said Mookie. "I want to get it shrunk. It would make a nice key fob."
The three others stared at Mookie as he treated them to his brown grin.
SIX
In the press room of Capshaw campaign headquarters a small group of reporters were assembled in front of a makeshift podium.
Humphrey addressed the group first. "We've asked you all here today because the Auditor General has some important information for the residents of Harlem, who, as you know, are being asked to choose their next representative to Congress. Here's State Auditor General Capshaw."
