“We covered the walls with modern paintings and the floors with multicolored rugs. We hired domestic help and two gardeners. Nevertheless, back then not even a King lived in a house as comfortable as the ones built today. The mansion seemed to be perpetually enveloped beneath the shadows of a depressing, wet cold. Or, perhaps, this is how I saw it in my old age. You had to walk so far in that house just to get from one room to another! There were so many steps to climb to get to my bedroom!
“Cannat and I spent a lot of time alone together when Shallem was in, what Cannat called, his ‘mystic state’ or his ‘contemplative state’. Together, we planned activities that we hoped would distract him; we discussed key arguments we wanted to bring up during our debates with him, which we hoped would free him of his obsession. We shopped together and bought him presents; above all, we bought him dogs, a lot of dogs.
“Just like admirers do with their idols, we both enjoyed talking about Shallem, talking about what he had said or about what he had done. When only one of us was with him, we would tell the other what he had said and done. We would talk about how kind and beautiful he was. Cannat would describe all the things my human eyes couldn’t see, what Shallem was really like, his essence. We looked like two parents drooling over their child as we sat close together, surrounded by silk pillows, on the settee in front of the fireplace.
“Many times, seated on this same settee, Cannat, as he softly caressed my face with his fingertips, would tell me secrets he had never revealed before or he would simply explain things that I hadn’t understood the first time. From time to time, we would glance at Shallem’s dark hair as he read a book reclining on the seat beneath the window. We would immediately fall silent when he stood. We followed him with our eyes while he picked up the poker and then watched as his hair fell in a cascade when he knelt to kindle the fire. Then, as we stared at him, he would stand up straight, lean his elbow against the mantle and watch our bewildered expressions.
“ ‘What are you talking about?’ he would ask.
“Because of Shallem, Cannat and I became united. We were absorbed by him. This is how much he influenced us.
“Nevertheless, sometimes when Cannat was upset because I had unintentionally interrupted him and Shallem, or when he was upset for any other reason or for no reason at all, he would approach me from behind, wrap his arms around me like an affectionate lover, and whisper a number in my ear, a number that grew smaller and smaller as the days went by.
“ ‘Three thousand seven hundred and twenty-two days before I’m rid of you,’ he whispered in my ear one day. Then, he gently bit my ear, kissed my cheek and walked away.
“Three thousand seven hundred and twenty-two days! That was only a little over ten years and I longed to spend an eternity with Shallem... From that very day, I started to understand why my angel had wisely not wanted me to know that date of my death.
–II–
“The days before and after August the seventh became particularly excruciating. With every year that passed, Kharon’s boat grew closer to carry me across the river Styx. With every year, another wrinkle appeared on my forehead, another cloudy veil shrouded my eyes.
“The fleeting fear I had felt during the first few years of my impending death turned into a raging obsession. I was going to die. I was going to die soon. I didn’t want to die, I was happy. I didn’t want to leave Shallem, my sweet and vulnerable Shallem. I knew he needed me; my death would be very difficult for him. At times, I would catch him looking at me with an expression of profound sadness. Cannat also noticed this look and delved deeply into its meaning. He watched us, discreet and pensive, seemingly angered by this new dilemma for which I was to blame, while his astute mind considered the most feasible way to apply the balm that could lessen his tormented brother’s pain.
“I tried to appear less anguished so as not to make Shallem’s worse. But, how could’ve I hid it, even if he wasn’t able to see it in my soul?
“The date was burned into my mind. I felt like anyone could see it written across my forehead. My impending death was all I could think about, it was an omnipresent feeling that lay beneath every sentence I spoke and every look I gave. I would pray and tell God that I didn’t want to die, that I didn’t want to start over, that I couldn’t lose Shallem.
“Sometimes, as we walked absentmindedly through the countryside, my approaching death would suddenly burst into my mind like a destructive missile. I would stop short and my hand would cover my racing heart. When that happened, Shallem hugged me tightly and covered me with kisses while Cannat observed us pensively.
“Three hundred and thirty.’ Cannat announced one day and my heart skipped a beat. But it wasn’t an evil whisper nor did he have any reason to be mad at me. He stood directly in front of me with an undecipherable sternness on his face.
“ ‘Do you know how much Shallem is suffering because of you?’ he accused as if I had deliberately chosen to die just to mortify him.
“ ‘Yes,’ I answered coldly, without bothering to argue against his irrefutable logic. He got very close to me and looked down at me with his customary arrogance. I knew he had been hiding something that was bothering him.
“I suddenly thought he was going to kill me. He was going to kill me to save Shallem from having to endure those last and most painful days of my life.
“ ‘Are you going to kill me now?’ I asked. Although I was terrified, I didn’t let the slightest emotion betray my voice.
“He looked at me as if I hadn’t spoken. His eyes were steel blue and reflected the roses in our garden. He had his hands crossed behind his back and his powerful chest thrust forward. I had never seen him so serious, so quiet. Normally Cannat was transparent; he had never felt the need to hide his feelings, however unpleasant they may have been. He took a step and stood beside me, my arm grazed his.
“ ‘What do you want?’ I asked him but the fine and delicate line of his lips formed remained still. His gleaming and cold blue eyes didn’t leave my face. How those eyes fascinated me!
“He turned and standing behind me, wrapped his arms around me, like he liked to do. For a long time all I heard was his breath in my ear. I was on guard, expecting to die at any moment. He tucked my hair behind my ear, exposing a space to plant a soft kiss. He kissed me again and again as his mouth travelled toward my cheek. ‘He wants to kill me painlessly, when I least expect it,’ I thought to myself.
“ ‘I don’t want to die like this,’ I cried. ‘I want to say good-bye to Shallem.’
“He hissed in my ear and kept kissing me. I trembled. I was completely at his mercy since Shallem had gone to town to look for a locksmith. Then, he rested his cheek against mine and crossed his arms over my chest. He stayed in that position for a long time, completely absorbed in his thoughts.
“ ‘We don’t want Shallem to suffer, do we?’ he finally whispered.
“Suddenly, I was free. Cannat had disappeared.
“I suppose I should have known that Cannat wouldn’t stand aside with his arms crossed watching while Shallem cried. But neither had I imagined my final days would be so tragic.
“Shallem and I were always together, holding hands, hugging, crying.”
“But you could have asked him for more time. After all, it was you who had insisted he set a date,” the priest interjected.
“For what? To prolong our suffering? For how much longer? No. Asking for more time would have only made him and I suffer more. There was no reason to prolong our suffering; that was no way to go on living.
“The words Shallem had spoken to me in Florence echoed in my mind, ‘You must not know when you’re going to die.’ He had refused to tell me, he had refused to set the date but I had insisted. I had acted like an animal, a furious beast that had not been provoked; I cornered him; I relentlessly screamed at him in spite of his pain. And for what? All I had managed to do was find out I had a quasi-immortal life and now those years were gone. It seemed like I had so many left when Shallem had s
aid eighty! I had been so amazed! But, what were eighty years living with him? Certainly, not enough time for me.
“Finally, the day arrived when my pain was stanched, when it no longer grew. It was simply a constant, clear, and dispassionate thought in my mind.
“ ‘Fifteen days,’ Cannat told me and then the pain returned. Once again, it exploded within me like black fireworks on a sunny morning. I couldn’t bear losing Shallem or causing him pain.
“ ‘I’ll find your soul where ever it goes,’ Shallem told me. ‘I’ll snatch you from your crib and take you with me. You’ll grow up with me and you’ll fall in love with me.’
“ ‘What if I’m a boy?’ I sadly joked.
“ ‘What does that matter?’ he asked.
“ ‘It doesn’t,’ I responded. ‘It doesn’t matter at all.’
“Finally, I understood how one can love the soul and not the body.
“In a morbid way, I savored every word we spoke. I savored every step I took, every object I looked at, every fabric I felt; I savored it all as if for the last time. I thought to myself, ‘I’ll never hear him say those words again.’ ; ‘Perhaps it will be cloudy my last remaining days and I’ll never see the sun shine in his blue green eyes.’; ‘He’ll never kiss me in this exact same place again.’; ‘Perhaps this is the last time I’ll see that expression on his face which I love so much.’; ‘Will I ever pick another rose, smell it’s delicate fragrance or prick my fingers on one of its savage thorns, or will this be the last time?’; ‘Is this the last time I’ll ever wear this dress, that I’ll ever walk into this room, that I’ll ever open this drawer, that I’ll ever feel Cannat approach me from behind?’
“ ‘Do you see him?’ Cannat said a few days later. ‘The Grim Reaper is smiling at you!”
“But, he still hated you that much?” the priest interjected confused. “After having lived together for such a long time... Why did he still have such a relentless desire to mortify you since he would soon be free of you?”
“No. He didn’t want to mortify me. He wanted to make me extremely anxious to prepare me for his plan, as you’ll soon learn.”
“For a few days before my scheduled death, Shallem and I didn’t leave our bedroom. I barely ate and we barely spoke. I spent the hours with my head resting on his chest, which grew wet due to the tears I shed.
“Finally, the day arrived. It was as if my soul was being torn from me. A soul that clung to me like flesh clings to bone. Shallem kissed me the way he had kissed me in Orleans. Suddenly, I felt weak, empty and wasted. I felt older than I had ever felt. Shallem looked as if he were a young archeologist who had just recklessly exposed a very old treasure to sunlight, as if he were ready for me to turn to dust before his very eyes. I was exhausted, spent, as if the weight of the world had just fallen on my chest. It was obvious I only had a few hours left.
“Shallem carried me to the living room and sat me down by the window. I didn’t want to waste my last hours lying in bed. I wanted to see my family all together one last time; I wanted to see Cannat. I had spent eighty years of my life with him, almost as long as I had spent with Shallem.
“Cannat stood next to the fireplace; it seemed like he had a lump in his throat. He couldn’t stand the sight of me, the sight of death. I asked Shallem to go cut me some flowers, I wanted to speak to Cannat alone.
“ ‘I know it’s stupid of me to ask,’ I told Cannat. ‘but I need to hear you say that you will always stay with him, that you’ll console him until he feels better.’ Tears began to cloud my eyes. ‘You assured me once before that his pain would be short lived, that you’ll be there to help him overcome it. When I’m gone, try to get him to visit our children. That will help him.’
“Cannat stood from his chair and walked toward me. I had never seen him so dangerously serious. I would have been extremely frightened if I weren’t about to die. Tears rolled down my cheeks.
“ ‘You see,’ I whispered. ‘You’re almost free of me.’ I wiped my eyes with my hands and breathed heavily through my nose. ‘Be careful that he doesn’t fall in love again.’ I covered my eyes with my hands and cried whole heartedly.
“ ‘Do you want to die?’ he asked.
“I looked at him as if he were an idiot; he knew very well I was ready to go.
“ ‘Shallem will look for my soul, he promised me that,’ I declared. However, I didn’t want Cannat to know because I was afraid he would try and stop Shallem. Cannat didn’t blink; I wondered if he had heard me. I was sure he had.
“ ‘Thank you for the good times,’ I continued. ‘We had a lot of good times. And thanks for everything you so patiently taught me, against Shallem’s better judgment. Also, thanks for not killing me although you really wanted to. I know there was more between us than just hate. I know you never found me to be completely obnoxious.’
“ ‘Try to relax, please. Shallem’s coming back with the flowers.’
“I quickly dried my tears with the edge of my dress. Cannat ran to intercept Shallem and taking the flowers from his hand, he said, ‘Shallem, could you go look for a blanket? She’s cold.’
“Shallem quickly went upstairs to find one. Cannat let the flowers scatter onto a table and then returned to me. He stood still, watching me.
“ ‘You’ll be able to help him, right? You won’t let him suffer, not for my death nor any other cause,’ I insisted.
“Cannat knelt beside and took my wrinkled and shaking hands in his.
“ ‘You would do anything for him, right?’ I said in a calm voice.
“ ‘Anything,’ he immediately responded. In some vague, imprecise way, I asked myself what I had been thinking that had made me ask that question.
“For some long minutes he continued staring at me, but I knew he couldn’t see me. He was struggling, immersed in an internal and difficult battle. Suddenly, his face relaxed as if he had just made a difficult decision after much contemplation.
“ ‘I heard your prayers,’ he told me.
“The dark tone of his voice surprised me more than his strange statement. His eyes glistened with relief.
“ ‘What prayer? What are you talking about?’
“ ‘I want to give you a gift,’ he continued in a calm voice. ‘Something I had promised you some time ago.’
“I didn’t know what he was talking about. I tried to remember but I couldn’t think of anything that could even be remotely related to what was happening at that moment.
“ ‘What promise?’ I finally asked.
“ ‘I don’t have time to explain but it’s something that will make you happy.’
“He continued staring at me intently, studying my reaction as though his vague words would help me figure out the mystery. I was completely baffled. I didn’t know what it could be.
“ ‘It won’t hurt at all, I promise,’ he whispered. ‘Let’s go get it before Shallem returns.’
“ ‘But, where are we going?’ I asked as he helped me stand. He picked me up.
“ ‘Far away. But don’t worry, we won’t be long.’ He told me smiling and then gave me a gentle kiss on the cheek.
“Suddenly we were standing in a strange place I didn’t recognize. It was a beautiful little town in a snow covered valley that was surrounded by extremely tall white-capped mountains. I shivered, it was extremely cold. We stood in front of a grocery store and Cannat motioned for me to look through the window. Through it, I saw a young girl waiting on a woman who held a little girl by the hand.
“ ‘Look at the young woman,’ Cannat ordered.
“I was already looking at her. It was impossible not to. She would have stood out in any place. She was almost as beautiful as I had been. Her hair was blond and radiant, just like mine had been, and her eyes were a crystal clear blue, extremely beautiful, just like mine had been. But she was a Nordic woman and her bone structure was different from mine. The bridge of her nose was shorter, her face was rounder, her cheekbones more prominent, and she had a ruddy skin tone, a bit
more than pink skin tone. She had a different kind of beauty, less classic and perfect than mine, but she was attractive and graceful.
“ ‘Do you like her?’ Cannat asked. ‘Is her body nice enough? Is it worthy of you?’
“I looked at him speechless as I finally started piecing things together. The client left the store with her little girl and the young woman was left alone. Cannat pushed me inside and turned the lock on the door. The girl stood paralyzed when she saw him.
“ ‘You,’ she murmured and looked at him as if he were a ghost.
“Cannat smiled at her. It was a malicious, mischievous smile.
“ ‘Me,’ he responded using her same tone of voice and spread his arms open wide. ‘Did you miss me, my love?’
“The girl didn’t say anything. She was obviously petrified by terror.
“ ‘You see, I can’t live without you. So much so that I’ve decided to take something from you. I hope you don’t mind because if you do, it will be that much worse.’
“ ‘Please, sir, my father... he’s in the backroom...,’ she pleaded with a bad English accent.
“ ‘Oh, yes?’ Cannat said with complete indifference. ‘Well let’s just hope he stays back there or he’ll die just like his child.’
“Her face crumpled.
“ ‘Come,’ he ordered, his eyes blazing.
“The girl came from behind the counter and stood in front of us. Her face was calm, she didn’t struggle. Cannat pointed at her proudly.
“ ‘What do you think?’ he asked. He pointed at her and looked at me as though he were waiting for me to evaluate some kind of high quality merchandise.
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