“ ‘Since when have you been worried about human politics? What does it matter to you?’ he intruded in my thoughts.
“ ‘It doesn’t matter, it’s just something I heard the servants talk about. That’s all,’ I defended myself.
“His suspicions disappeared after a few months. It didn’t seem like my new change had substantially affected me. My spirit was not harmed. Or so it seemed.
“For fifty years I lived happily and peacefully inside that body. However, not one day went by that I didn’t ask myself what would happen when it reached its end. One day, as we were visiting the Saint Blaise Church in Dubrovnik, I felt something burst inside my head and I fell to the floor unconscious.
“I was lying down when I came to. It seemed like I had been praying when I lost consciousness because I was clutching a rosary in my interlaced hands. I looked down and saw that I was wearing all black, a color I had never worn. Then, I noticed my hands had changed, that my fingers were longer and slimmer, and I was wearing rings I had never seen before. I began trembling and still didn’t understand what was going on. I was dizzy. I saw that I had dark and rather thick hair on my surprisingly slim arms. I was confused. Then, I felt hands helping me stand. It was Cannat, I recognized him immediately. At that moment it took only a few seconds for me to realize what had happened. Somehow I had changed bodies. However, I didn’t remember the body I had just left, I just remembered my own original body. Since I didn’t know what was happening and wasn’t prepared for it, I unleashed some violent screams. What happened next was terrifying.
“ ‘Calm down! Calm down!’ Cannat yelled as he shook me. ‘You want me to have to kill everyone in here?’
“Then a woman who was around forty years-old came running toward us down the center isle of the church. She screamed and threw herself furiously at Cannat. She started yelling at him in the language she spoke and began pulling on his clothes to get him away from me. It was obvious she was the dead girl’s mother. The woman, like her daughter, wore modest, dark clothes. She was very slim and looked worn-out, as if she were ill.
“There were more people in the church. I opened my eyes and saw four or five older women approaching the mother to help her. She was now lying on the floor struggling to stand because she saw that Cannat was leading me down an aisle to get me out of the church. I felt Cannat’s arms guide me but I couldn’t take my eyes off the woman. I was suffering and grieving for her as if she were my real mother. She lifted her arms toward me as we passed by and tried to grab the edge of my skirt. And I, in a trance, also extended my arm toward her as if I didn’t want to disappoint her or as if I thought I was really her daughter. Suddenly, the other women fell upon us. They began hitting Cannat and Shallem to try and free me. In my delirium all I could think was, ‘They’re going to kill them. They’re going to kill all of them.’ And then I screamed, ‘No! No!’
“ ‘Push them away Shallem! Make them let go of her!’ Cannat yelled.
“Shallem, using strength I had never seen before, grabbed each woman one by one and threw them down the aisle toward the alter as if they were bowling balls. They were all dazed and injured. The mother was hurt and moaned as she struggled to stand.
“The gold-plated Saint-Blaise statue on the alter was the last thing I saw before Shallem grabbed Cannat and we disappeared.
“I couldn’t get the mother’s pain out of my head. Her daughter’s eyes and similar features were a constant reminder. I could still see her crying on the floor of the church and imagined she was still there crying and praying to her saint. The poor girl’s body was not only unattractive, it was weak, sickly, and plagued with constant pains.
“ ‘It was an emergency,’ Cannat told me. ‘Be thankful that at least she’s young.’
“The painful way I had gained possession of that body seemed to wake me from a dream. It was as if, for the first time, I truly realized the horror I had allowed to happen. I constantly looked in mirrors and noticed there was never a spark of happiness in my dark, sad eyes. I was less myself in that weak and sick body than I had been in the other two. I couldn’t get used to it.
“For several days, I heard Cannat and Shallem whispering behind my back, arguing about what to do. I wanted to leave that body, run from it.
“ ‘I have something for you,’ Shallem told me one night, some fifteen days later. We had returned to our home in England. And now those English days seemed more than just cloudy, they seemed immutably dark and tempestuous. In those days, there was a pub in town called The Red Horse. We went there three nights in a row. That noisy place didn’t do anything for me except make me feel distressed and awkward. Cannat and Shallem acted as if they enjoyed going there but I knew our visits had a specific purpose. They just wanted me to see one of the waitresses. They wanted me to watch her young body so that I would get accustomed to it. Cannat was lavishing her with attention. In fact, the night before, he had ended up in her bed.
“On the third night, they surreptitiously pointed out her charms and loveliness. They talked about her little nose, her freckles and the agile way she carried herself as if those things were worthy of endless praise. Several hours after our arrival, I was almost drunk from all the beer I had consumed. It was then that Shallem started to tell me how good I would feel in that girl’s body, how strong and well built she was, that I had to stop acting so depressed and anguished. He told me all this would change as soon as I had a new body and that the body I was currently residing was nothing more than a solution that had to be made during an emergency. He asked me if I liked the waitress’s body, if I thought I would feel comfortable in it. He told me it didn’t have to be that night, that I could take my time, get used to the idea, imagine myself inside it, or choose a different one if I wanted. The more I listened the more dumbfounded I became. At that moment, all I wanted was the one thing no one except God could give me, my beloved, dear and longed for legitimate body. It didn’t matter if it were old and languishing since it wasn’t its beauty I longed for. I rested my fingertips on Shallem’s face as he spoke to me and thought, ‘Why can’t we grow old together, my love? Why can’t we die together, live for eternity like immortal souls in paradise?’ I wished he could grow old and die. I didn’t want to keep crawling behind his immortal steps in body after alienated body. But he couldn’t die, or age a day, an hour, a minute, or a second in time, which they had rightly said, doesn’t really exist.
“I told them yes, that we would do it that very night in a quiet place and without her suffering or screaming, without violence nor trauma. Cannat took her behind the tavern and as he kissed her, he inhaled her soul just as he had done with Ingrid.
“A piece of my soul died when hers was taken. I had only lived in the Saint-Blaise girl’s body for fifteen days and had thrown it away, not because it was going to die anytime soon, but because it wasn’t good enough for me. I had killed her, and also her mother. All for just fifteen miserable days. I felt more sacrilegious than ever. I thought I should have stayed within her body, accepted my guilt and the cross I would bear. I felt I should have grown old in it. I imagined her standing in front of God at that very moment, pointing to her abandoned body and demanding justice. But, she hadn’t died in vain, she had saved my life. Even if I had only lived in her body for a minute, she would have saved me.
“ ‘Soon you’ll be happy again,’ Cannat assured me.
“The next morning Shallem and I left Stratford on Avon. Seeing how the girl from the tavern was a local, it would be more prudent for us to stay away for some years. Shallem took me to Africa to show me the strange tribes that lived there. Africa was a marvelous place where mirrors nor memories existed. I think I was happy from the moment I stepped onto foreign land. With all of its mysteries and beauty, I didn’t have a minute to think about my troubles.
“I also needed time alone with Shallem. He brought me peace. After many hours of hiding my face within his chest and listening to his sweet words, I was once again at peace.
&n
bsp; “It surprised me that I thought about Cannat every day. And the happier I felt, the more I missed him.
“There, in Africa, beneath its immense sky with clotted pulsating stars, Shallem, once again, spoke to me about God. He told me about his perpetual anguish, his immortal hunger, his broken heart due to his unyielding Father’s silence to whom he cried out in search for a word of love.
“ ‘He hears me,’ Shallem whispered, his eyes fixed on sky. ‘He knows I love him, that I can’t bear to exist without him... And one day I’ll go back to him. I’ll make him love me whether he wants to or not.
“ ‘When Shallem? When will you go back to him?’ I asked, anguished by the idea of losing him.
“He turned to look me in my eyes, kissed me and whispered, ‘When you..., no longer..., when you are no longer mortal.
“Cannat came to Africa almost three months later. He was happy to be with his family again and, as usual, kissed us, hugged us, and told us all about his misdeeds during his absence.
“ ‘Have you seen him?’ he asked when we were alone. ‘Once again he’s with his... his...! Tomorrow we’re leaving this place!’ And I just smiled and looked at him, I was intensely happy we were reunited.
“For the next hundred and seventy years, until the year 1834, I lived happily in four different bodies. By that time, I was living in the seventh body. Twenty happy years went by and this seventh body was healthy and didn’t suffer from anything other than slight colds. It could still last many more years in perfect condition. However, it had started to age.”
–VI–
“Once again, we were living in our apartment in Paris. An idea came to me. It was going to be my birthday and Cannat had left to shop for my present. Yes, I still celebrated my true birthday, the day I was born in Saint-Ange. Shallem was standing next the window enjoying a glass of Burgundy wine as he watched the Seine’s placid waters lap against the Notre-Dame. He was wearing a light and comfortable suit that was in style during that era. He wore black and lose trousers and a gold colored vest draped over his wide sleeved white shirt.
“ ‘Shallem,’ I said. ‘when I die again, what will happen?’
“He was surprised by the question, the answer was so obvious.
“ ‘You’ll get another body. You know that.’
“I approached him and rubbed my body seductively against his. He offered me his glass and I drank.
“ ‘Shallem,’ I whispered. ‘If that’s going to happen, why should we wait? Why should I have to suffer growing old.’
“He looked at me incredulous.
“ ‘Even right now I might die at any moment. This body’s heart is weaker, illness could be devastating and a bad fall could be fatal. I already have gray hairs and varicose veins. Soon I’ll be hunched over and shaky, my hands and face will shrivel; my skin will turn papery and I’ll lose my sight and hearing. Please, save me from all of this.’
“He seemed appalled, like he never expected me to ask for something like that.
“ ‘What’s wrong with doing it now,’ I asked in my most innocent voice. ‘We’re going to do it anyway.’
“He seemed confused and didn’t know how to respond to my arguments.
“ ‘Everything will be all right,’ I insisted. ‘I’m all right and my soul is all right, you know that.’
“It seemed like he wasn’t convinced that everything would be all right. He placed his wine glass on the table and sat down in a chair. He sat there thinking. I wanted to influence him, influence his final decision.
“ ‘I’m starting to get weary, Shallem. It’s hard for me to keep up with you and Cannat.’
“His head was bent forward and he covered his mouth with his hand. I caressed his silky hair and kissed his head. When I forced him to look up at me, I saw such sadness in his eyes that I instantly regretted my request.
“ ‘Forget it, my love, my life,’ I said and kissed him all over his face. ‘Forget it, please. I don’t want you to suffer. I never want you suffer, my angel. I would rather die than do that to you.’
“I didn’t do it on purpose, of course, but I think my outburst helped him make up his mind.
“ ‘You’re right,’ he whispered. ‘I should have thought about that. We’ll do it tomorrow.’
“ ‘Oh Shallem! Are you sure? It won’t make you feel bad?’
“ ‘No, my love. You’ll be all right,’ he answered.
“Cannat couldn’t believe what happened when I told him.
“ ‘Don’t toy with Shallem, you shrew,’ he scolded. ‘Don’t try to manipulate his feelings or I’ll end your little game forever.’
“ ‘I didn’t manipulate him. I was completely sincere,’ I defended myself.
“ ‘You better have been,’ he threatened and he wasn’t joking.
“The very next day we went searching for a beautiful and vigorous body; we went looking for my next victim. It was the first time I myself was going to choose what my new body looked like. I could barely sleep the night before. I imagined what the experience would be like, what I would feel as I picked, among the endless parade of ignorant and beautiful women, the woman who would sacrifice her life to make mine better. The actual experience greatly surpassed anything I had imagined. Nothing can compare to the excitement I felt, because not only I was going to choose my new appearance, but also, because of the malicious pleasure I felt at being able to decide who lived and who died.
“We walked the streets of Paris attentively studying the showcase of female specimens who walked among us. However, not one seemed to satisfy my demanding requirements. I wanted something perfect, remarkable. Someone who’s beauty was comparable to mine when I had been in my original body. I found faults in all the bodies I saw. No matter how worthy the body may have been, there was always something that kept me from wanting to possess it: a displeasing face, a shrill voice, the wrong hair color. Cannat and Shallem kept pointing out bodies that would have suited me perfectly; but I just crinkled my nose and looked away. We had been walking all day when, fed up with my indecision, they threatened to take me back to our house. I quickly began pointing out some women who seemed sufficiently pretty enough, even if they weren’t truly beautiful. But then they would tell me, ‘That one is pregnant, that other one is sick, that one over there is too weak.’ Finally, I found one. She wasn’t exceedingly beautiful but she had charisma. She had a certain something that we couldn’t figure out. I caught her smiling at Shallem and became irritated when I saw him give her an innocent smile in return.
“ ‘That one,’ I quickly stated and, like the evil witch in a fairy tale, bitterly extended my finger and pointed at her boldly. ‘I want that one.’
“And so it was.
“Once again I was happy and the years went by quickly. Eight years went by but then I started suffering from some type of strange allergy. It was unbearable. The allergy appeared so quickly and with such unusual virulence that my entire body was suddenly covered in a red and itchy rash. It seemed like nothing could ease my discomfort.
“I didn’t even have to use words to tell Shallem what I wanted. My pleading looks and my soul’s silent prayers, which were so insensitive to the pain they caused him, had told him everything.
“This time we visited Rome and I, like a blood thirsty goddess, began choosing, without a qualm, among the dark haired beauties, the body that I wanted to possess.
“I had no reason, not even a trivial reason like an allergy, for what happened some ten years later. I simply became obsessed with an opera singer’s voice and thought that if I had her body, I would also possess her skill with her voice. Cannat also liked her voice so it was really easy to convince him to place me in her body.
“I didn’t tell Shallem I wanted the opera singer’s body. In fact, the idea occurred to me quickly and I justified myself with the stupid excuse that he would be pleased I would be able to sing for him. Maybe I didn’t tell him because I didn’t want him to try and stop me. However, he didn’t even seemed surpr
ised the instant he saw me in my new body; it was as if he had been waiting for it to happen. Then, moments later, he gave me a sad look as if I were obsessed with death; as if I myself had fostered this obsession.
“Of course I could sense Shallem’s displeasure but I want you to understand that he didn’t suffer because mortals were dying, no. He was tormented by my lack of scruples and remorse. He saw this as evidence that my soul was becoming ill and he blamed himself.
“Some time later, when all was forgotten, I did it again. And it was just as easy to convince Cannat to give me the opera singer’s body as it was to convince him to give me the next body, and the body after that, and then another and another. My reasons grew more and more trivial. I used excuses such as a bothersome cold or a twisted ankle to justify myself to Shallem and then used absurd reasons to spurn his offers to cure me. Cannat and I would go out alone. He was my confidant, a confidant who would give me any body I fancied. Sometimes, I picked a body just because I wanted to see how I would look with a certain eye or hair color.
“ ‘I’d like to see you in that body.’ Cannat would say. ‘What do you think?’
“ ‘Let’s try it.’ I would answer, with no less excitement or emotion than if I were trying on a dress.
“When I got home I would show Shallem the body I had randomly and for no apparent reason stolen. I displayed it as if it really were a new dress. He would just look at me as if nothing I did could ever surprise him.
“But later, his painful and disturbing silences and his tortured expressions, made me promise myself I would never do it again without his approval. However, I fell to temptation time and again. My soul was sick and I fell into a black abyss. I was a compulsive criminal playing a deadly game. I couldn’t stop. I couldn’t repress my insatiable and compulsive desires; they overwhelmed me. I barely lived a few hours in some bodies and only days in others. Imperfect sight, course hair, or simply seeing another body I wanted was reason enough for Cannat to give me what he had so much fun giving me. However, there were times when he was impossible to convince, unwilling to be convinced, and it was because of Shallem. When Shallem fell into his melancholic states, I had to put up with the body I had until his mood improved. However, it started to take longer and longer for Shallem to get better. When that happened, I would stop my evil demands and Cannat I would rally together to lovingly take care of and comfort Shallem.
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