“Johann stood as still as a mummy and kept staring at Cannat. I put my hand on my throat as was frightened by how much blood I felt.
“ ‘Cannat!’ I screamed. He quickly approached me and protected me with his body.
“ ‘Those wretches!’ I heard him whisper furiously. ‘Those damned wretches!’
“ ‘Kill them Cannat!’ I begged. ‘Kill them!’
“I heard a strange explosion, like huge water bottles exploding. When Cannat moved away from me, what I saw made my stomach turn. No, don’t worry; I’m not going to describe such a bloody scene.
“Johann was the only one still alive. I watched him as Cannat examined my neck. The thief’s face was as glassy and petrified as an Etruscan mummy.
“ ‘Shallem would have known this was going to happen. He would have sensed it,’ Cannat reproached, mad at himself.
“ ‘Don’t worry,’ I tried to pacify him. ‘It’s just a scratch.’
“ ‘Just like it would have been a scratch if they had shot you with one of their guns?’ he said and pointed to the place where the men had stood pointing their guns at us. Now, there were no guns, only human remains.
“ ‘Don’t torment yourself. Nothing happened,’ I insisted. ‘There have been deaths which Shallem couldn’t stop, which he sensed too late, or he didn’t sense at all.
“He squeezed my shoulder and pulled me to him. Then, he turned around and looked at Johann as if he were an animal he was about to dissect.
“ ‘This is his fault,’ Cannat said enraged. ‘I have something special for you.’
“Cannat placed his hand on Johann’s throat. This seemed to revive him and he threw himself backward and landed with his back against the car.
“ ‘You’re friends are gone,’ Cannat told him. ‘But they’re sorry they didn’t say good-bye; they were in a hurry.’ Cannat pointed at the remains, which could barely be recognized as human. The young man burst into crazed shrieks. Cannat raised his hands toward his face, meaning to take off his round glasses, but Johann was terrified and covered his eyes with his hands.
“ ‘You don’t want them to break?’ Cannat asked calmly and then snatched them from his face and threw them with such supernatural strength that they flew across the avenue and fell into the river. The man screamed in panic. His cowardly screams disgusted me even more.
“ ‘Kill him slowly,’ I said. ‘Make him suffer.’
“ ‘Of course, Madame,’ Cannat responded without taking his eyes off the thief. Then, he asked him, ‘What can we do that’s special?’ For a few seconds he stood there with his hand on his mouth and the other supporting his elbow as if he were seriously considering what to do.
“ ‘Juliette, give me your ring,’ he finally said.
“Cannat had mounted three sapphires he had taken from his home in the jungle in gold. All three stones were enormous. He had given both Shallem and I a ring. This is the ring he was referring to.
“I had no idea why he wanted it but, as excited as I was, I didn’t want to delay what was happening with questions so I quickly took off the ring and handed it to him. He showed it to the young man.
“ ‘You like it?’ he asked and I stared, fascinated, by how his teeth sparkled like diamonds.
“The trembling man shook his head yes. Cannat towered over him since half of the man’s body was bent back over one of the car’s small doors.
“ ‘Yes? Do you like it enough to live in it? You’re own house isn’t this beautiful, is it?’ Cannat asked him and that’s when I figured out what he wanted to do.
“ ‘Cannat, don’t do it. If you put him inside the ring I’ll have to carry him around for the rest of my life.’
“ ‘I’ll get you another one,’ he said without looking at me.
“ ‘No!’ I persisted. ‘I want that one!’
“Cannat wasn’t paying me any attention. Johann’s eyes had rolled to the back of his head so I suspected Cannat had started to withdraw his soul. In a few seconds, it would be imprisoned within my sapphire for all eternity. I didn’t doubt it. The bloody knife that Johann had used to cut my neck laid at my feet, illuminated by the reddish light coming from a nearby streetlamp. I grabbed it and plunged it into his heart. Then, I quickly let go as if his silent moan of pain had burned my soul.
“ ‘And you wanted to watch him suffer?’ Cannat asked me exasperated. ‘I have never seen such a quick and merciful death.’
“I was paralyzed, hypnotized, as I watched the blood pour from the wound I had inflicted. I watched the expression on the man’s face. He had not fallen to the ground and was still leaning against the car. I touched my neck and felt the wetness of my own blood.
“ ‘Can we go now, Cannat?’ I asked and briefly looked into his eyes.
“He hesitated for a moment; he looked angry but there was an undertone of surprise on his face. Then he nodded.
“That was the first time I killed with my own hands, in cold blood and without regret; because, of course, I considered all the other times self-defense. That experience made me realize just how weak my body was so I bought my own pistol the very next day. Actually, it was a toy. A toy I was anxious to use. I didn’t buy it strictly for the purpose of protecting myself from dangers that may lurk. I bought it so I would never feel as helpless as I had when that criminal had his hands on me. I myself wanted to feel the power I had over life and death.
“For three peaceful days I waited for an occasion to use my pistol which I uncomfortably carried tied to my ankle beneath my skirt. Finally, a drunk gave me a reason. Cannat and I had gone out for a walk. We were far from home and since our own car had been destroyed, Cannat left me to go and find a carriage.
“The man approached me and I smelled his stinking breath when he said something to me. Then, he put his arm around my shoulder and spoke to me in a slurred voice. I wanted to vomit. I bent down, retrieved my pistol and without saying a word or giving him time to run away or even time to realize his life was in danger, I shot him at point blank range. Cannat had seen everything. In a fury, he yanked the gun away from me. For a few seconds he just stared at me, as if he weren’t sure of what to say. He pointed at my dress, which was covered in blood. He was astounded, speechless.
“ ‘Never,’ he said, his eyes burning into mine. ‘Never do anything like that in front of Shallem. Do you hear me?’
“ ‘But Cannat,’ I tried to defend myself, confused by his unexpected reaction. ‘That man was bothering me.’
“ ‘You should have called me. You killed him for no reason. You can’t do that. You must not do that! Do you know what it would do to Shallem if he were to find out you were going around killing for no reason? It would be the end!’
“ ‘But that man was scaring me! Who knows, he could have been carrying a concealed knife! Maybe he wanted to hurt me,’ I whined.
“ ‘Don’t lie to me!’ he yelled. ‘Even if you had thought that, which you didn’t, Shallem wouldn’t see it that way. Do you want to lose him? Keep following your human instincts, that will be the fastest way.’
“I spent an untold amount of time questioning my behavior during the days Cannat and I were alone. Why was I so anxious to make my former kinsman suffer? Why had I stooped to their level, killing with indifference, with no mercy? Why had I sought revenge against a poor drunk who was just begging? Why couldn’t Shallem and Cannat stand to see me kill when they themselves did it without thinking twice? I couldn’t answer any of my questions.
“When Shallem returned, I felt at peace and everything went back to normal. I had spent fifteen days without him, an eternity.
“Days went by in peace but remembering the events that had taken place during Shallem’s absence made my soul resentful. But it wasn’t resentment for what I had done, but rather for what I hadn’t been able to feel: sorrow, regret, pity, compassion..., emotions I could no longer feel toward any human. I myself didn’t feel bad that I couldn’t feel those emotions. I felt horrible because I was certain Shalle
m was intensely displeased and grieved by my cruelty. It took him all of two seconds to realize what I had done and he blamed himself for everything. He blamed himself for everything that had happened to my soul. By that time, it was already very obvious my soul was suffering from a profound illness. No one could deny that, not even me.”
–VIII–
“Something strange gradually started to happen to me. I began going through periods where I was constantly sleepy. It was an ever present fatigue that never went away. It was impossible for me to go for a walk without ending up sleepy and holding onto Shallem’s arm; I fell asleep eating, reading, and talking. Then, my soul would suddenly awaken and I would become restless and excited. However, it would be impossible for me to expend my energy because, by then, the body I occupied had turned into a sickly waste due to my long periods of inactivity. During those spiritual revivals it drove me crazy to be inside a wasted body so Cannat and Shallem would, once again, find me a new body. And I enjoyed this new body with indescribable vigor until I became lethargic again.
“However, you must understand that these cycles of restlessness and lethargy I’ve been describing were purely spiritual and in no way physical. My soul was struggling to survive but it was also succumbing to life. Because of that, my restlessness was an internal torment I didn’t know how to cope with and which, in turn, made me feel demented, bitter, and anxious.
“It was during one of my periods of restlessness, or rather dementia, that I began questioning Shallem’s feelings and his behavior toward me. Due to all my anxiety, I came to the conclusion that his love for me was indecisive, ambiguous, that he was still uncertain and doubtful whether I should continue living. From the beginning, I had known why he had been apprehensive about imbuing me with his soul, but now I could no longer understand why he refused to do it. Since I continued living, why would he even let me suffer a cold when he could prevent it? Why would he let me constantly change bodies when he could make anyone of them invincible, eternal and unchanging; when he could end all suffering and aging? He could have done this with my original body but he didn’t. Why? These thoughts didn’t emerge overnight, they were little thorns that I had worn imbedded in my soul for many centuries; perhaps from the very moment I had found out that Shallem had the power to preserve the existence and beauty of my legitimate body. However, he had refused to use this power. At first, I didn’t question his reasons; I just accepted and understood his reasoning because I thought he wanted what was best for me, but now, his reasons didn’t make sense. If I were to ask him for a pinch of his soul, he would suffer beyond words even though it was the only thing that could save my soul. Or so I thought.
“I got angry with him; I felt like he didn’t care. I considered his lack of initiative as a sign that he was simply indifferent to what happened to me. However, I ignored the obvious. Inside he was struggling, fighting with himself. He wanted me to continue living but he knew my soul was not well. He wanted me to live but not as much as he was anxious for me to die. Or was it vice versa? It pained Shallem to allow me to continue living since it was obvious my soul was ill, however neither could he deny me life. He would continue to let me live hoping that one day I myself would refuse to go on living, or that I would die in some fortuitous way while he wasn’t around to save me, or until the day, which was already approaching, my soul’s agony would cause him more pain than our separation or my pain at his rejection.
“However, in my grief, I ignored the obvious and felt like all of this was due to Shallem’s indifference and indecision.
“At times, he would catch me staring at him absentmindedly. With a frown, he would jump up surprised, look away, and leave as if he were afraid I would finally ask him to make me immortal. And his attitude, his fear, his consternation, would dissuade me again and again. I felt a certain grudge toward him since he himself had never offered to do it, and this did nothing but make me ask myself, ‘Would he really be able to refuse me?’ and that thought made my soul resentful. I couldn’t live with not knowing but I didn’t have the courage to ask because I was afraid of his answer. It was only a matter of time before I started blaming him and mortifying him with my demands.
“ ‘You deny me the one thing that could bring me peace.’ Shallem turned and looked sadly at my frown and accusing eyes.
“I was overwhelmed by anger. I had spent too much time waiting, in vain, for him to react to what was happening to me, too much time imagining what I would say to him.
“It was night time and Shallem had just opened the dark velvet curtain in our bedroom. A pool of silver light came through the window.
“ ‘I know you don’t have any obligation to do it,’ I said. ‘I know only love could make you do it.’
“He stared at me paralyzed.
“ ‘Love is what keeps me from doing it,’ he barely whispered.
“ ‘Love? I guess my limited human capacity keeps me from understanding your idea of love,’ I mumbled sarcastically and my eyes burned with fury.
“ ‘You understand it perfectly,’ he said, his voice rising.
“ ‘How can I understand it? I gave all my love to you. All of it!’ I yelled. ‘I gave you my body, my life, my soul, my immortal existence. Everything!’ Raging, I walked and stopped a few paces in front of him. ‘Do you know what I think? I think you just want to obey those divine laws of yours when it’s convenient, that you’re ready for my soul to die so it can rest because you’re tired of me. Aren’t you?’
“He looked up, sighed, and shook his head. ‘That’s not true. Nothing you say is true and you yourself don’t truly believe that. I can’t give you what you want, I can’t toy with the limits of your soul. It’s not about obeying divine laws, it’s about avoiding atrocious outcomes. You want to voluntarily submit yourself to eternal punishment, to live forever, and I won’t be your creator.’
“ ‘But everything will change once you make me immortal, once you share your soul with me! I’m sure of it! I’ll go back to how I was. My soul will be rejuvenated, it will be healthy again, it won’t need to rest...’
“ ‘Don’t you think if that were possible I would have already done it?’ he yelled to interrupt me and grew closer to me. ‘My Father is the only one who can heal your soul! The only thing I can do is make it live forever! Do you want me to do that? Do you want me to spend centuries watching your soul suffer? Watch it suffer those symptoms until my Father finally becomes outraged and decides to take pity on your agony and then snatches you away from me?’
“ ‘No. I...,’ I mumbled ashamed. I had placed my hand on his chest to keep him from getting any closer to me. His unexpected explosion had almost dissolved my rage.
“ ‘I can cure your mortal wounds, but your spiritual health is up to God. I can make you immortal but I can’t cure your soul. Only he can do that. Because of that, you must go to him... one day.’
“ ‘And that day is near, isn’t it?’ I asked. He lowered his eyes unable to answer. ‘All I’ve done is validate your fears and bring that day closer. I’ve been plunged in this abyss, this illness for so long nothing can save me except God himself.’ I burst out in tears and embraced him. ‘Oh, Shallem! Can you forgive me for how I’ve hurt you? That wasn’t the real me speaking, I swear. How horrible! I can’t control my actions, my words, or even my innermost thoughts. I don’t doubt your love, I can’t doubt your love. That wasn’t me who spoke to you with such unmerited and uncontrollable anger. The soul God gave me is abandoning me little by little. My soul is like the flame of candle; gradually dying as it reaches its end.
“Shallem rocked me in his arms and tried to calm me.
“ ‘Everything will be all right,’ he consoled me. ‘We’ll hold on as long as we can. Everything will be all right.’
Completely silent, the woman absentmindedly stared into space.
“What you said reminded me of something,” the priest said. “A biblical verse; God’s words. He said something like this: ‘My spirit shall not always striv
e with man, for that he also is flesh: yet his days shall be an hundred and twenty years’.”
“Yes, that’s right. But let’s keep going. In 1935, after a long period of contrition and self-restraint, my desire for violence, which I had contained for so long, exploded like a bomb. When Cannat went out alone, I was dying to go with him. I wanted to witness the atrocities I mistakenly thought he was performing night after night. I kept insisting and became so melancholic when he refused that he finally, on one occasion, took me out. He just took me to dinner and a show, which was not very entertaining. I came home feeling angry and deceived because my expectations had not been met. Cannat did not want to encourage my impulsive and irrational tendencies toward violence and I knew why. I knew Shallem was relieved when he probed my soul after we returned from our outing. I was ashamed of my thoughts, what I had wished to see Cannat do, and I cried and I struggled to repent and be the person Shallem had loved.
“However, events unfolded all on their own. I had purchased an automatic pistol for my presumed self-defense and usually carried it in my purse in case I went out alone. I treated it like a jewel. During this time, we lived in Manhattan. It was an evening in January and I had gone out to buy something. Suddenly, I heard a woman screaming in an alley. I was frightened, but at the same time, I was intoxicated by the excitement. Very carefully, so no one would see me, I peaked my head around the corner with the pistol in my hand.
“A girl who was no older than fourteen was screaming beneath the body of a sixteen year old who was raping her. Two other boys were waiting their turn and were laughing like a couple of crazed villains in an operetta. I noticed they weren’t carrying any weapons so I approached them with the gun pressed against my pounding chest. They were in my hands; I had the power to kill them and knowing that made me extremely excited.
“I waited until all three of them knew realized what I wanted to do. I was so nervous, I was sweating, and my breathing was forced.
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