Guarded Hearts
Dirty Chaos
Nothing ever really happened in Shadow Springs, TX until three babies were born in the same night..
Two Boys. One Girl.
Sharing all their first was easy, but can they survive graduation, love and sex.
Just remember two is a couple, three is a menage a trios but four is a crowd.
Lola Cole will have to see if her heart has room for all her boys..
To love in all its forms
A Complex Life
Life is complex
Waiting for the future
Waiting for my destiny
Searching for the answer
Life is complex
Following my dreams
Seeing them come true
Making memories
Life is complex
Not knowing what tomorrow brings
Waiting for fate to step in
Living life like its spring
Life is complex
Laughter and sorrow
Love and loss
Living like there is no tomorrow
Life is complex
Never take it for granted
Make the best of it
Even when it’s not what is wanted
By Dylan Villarreal
1995
2:30 AM
DeLuna household.
“Baby, it’s time.”
“Okay, let me help you up.”
“Don’t forget the bag.”
2:38 AM
Davenport household.
“Honey, sweetie, I think the baby is coming.”
“What! Okay, I’m awake. What do you need?”
“Don’t forget the hospital bag.”
2:40 AM
Cole household.
“Mama! The baby is coming. Ahh. This hurts!”
“Aye mijita. I’m coming. Viejo, despiertate, ya es hora.”
“Mami! We need to go now.”
5:22 AM
Shadow Springs General Hospital was full of chaos and excitement; it wasn’t every day that they welcomed two baby boys and one baby girl in one night, minutes apart from each other. As the infants’ families looked at them through the window of the nursery, nestled in their cribs, the three infants were forming a bond that was going to be tested through the years to come. The fathers of these three little bundles turned to look at each other, and as the infants’ bond cemented, their families became one. They would come to share their first steps, their first words, their first laughs, ultimately, all their firsts. Everyone in town felt like they were triplets, so they christened them, “The Golden-Terrible Tripod.”
6 years later
“MAMI!” I yell.
“What’s wrong now, Lola?” she asks, looking up from her easel and holding her paintbrush with flair.
“I hate you so much. You don’t love me,” I grunt stomping into her home studio, pouting and crossing my arms in an angry stance.
“Why don’t you love me, mi princesa? What has happened?”
“Because you didn’t give me a penis like the ones that Brian and Nolan have, so the coach didn’t let me play football. I have a vagina, so I have to be a cheerleader or something. I don’t want to be a cheerleader. Cheerleaders don’t get to play in the mud.”
“How do you know they have a penis?” my Mami asks as she puts her brush and paint palette on the table next to her easel. She walks over to the couch and beckons me to her side, which I refuse. This is stupid.
“They showed it to me when I yelled at them that I had one, too. They said to show them, so I did. They said that what I have is a vagina and that’s when they showed me theirs so I would know what it looked like. Nolan’s dad told him girls don’t play football,” I cry.
“Princess come sit with me.” I sit on Mami’s lap and she hugs me. “Yes, boys and girls have body parts that make them different, but that doesn’t mean that you can’t play a sport or do anything just because of your gender. Let me talk to the little league coach and ask him if you can play, okay?”
“But Nolan already got the position I want. He is quarterback, and I can’t take something from him. He is my best friend in the whole world, well aside from Brian.”
“Oh, sweetheart, so what can I do to make you love me again?”
“Anything I want?” I ask, because there is thing that I have been dying to try. “Gosh, there is one thing that will make me the happiest girl alive.”
“Okay, let me hear it and then we can Skype Daddy and ask tonight.”
“Yeah, I want to try motocross. Can I, Mami?” I ask, giving her my best puppy dog eyes.
“Okay, we will see.”
Once I grew up, I learned the dirty differences
Between a boy and a girl, and it thrust my life into chaos.
I can smell the wet dirt in the air, the best smell in the world, just like a freshly buffed wooden floor. Or maybe it was my passion that was represent in those two smells. They always had the ability to calm me, to make me feel alive. I sit on top of my motorbike as I contemplate what’s on my mind.
I feel the vibration race through my body as it comes to life. I twist the handle and hear him roar. I’m at home, here. I become one when all my feelings align with my bike. I let go of the clutch, making the bike move forward at top speed. I fly over the first hill. I love the smell of exhaust flowing around me.
I feel invisible as I drive faster around the track. I have been trying to perfect a stunt I have practiced countless times on the practice ramp and foam box. Jack forbade me to try it on the track because of how dangerous it could be if I miss my cue and fall. Dramatic much?
Today, I feel like it’s time to try it. I take my second hill and the height is a lot better than the first. I know the third hill is coming, and I relax my muscles to make my body weightless. As the bike soars up, I let go of it, unclutching my thighs and straightening my lower body. I let go of the handlebars, looking like Superman. Holy shit, I’m flying. I can see the bike under me. I extend my body more perfectly. I am flawless. I close my eyes as I feel the air around my body.
Just as I am feeling more listless, gravity decides to make an appearance, and I feel myself being forced downward. I try to get a hold of my bike, but my fingertips miss the seat as both the bike and I fall quickly toward the ground. I tuck and roll to land on my side or at least my back. I land with a hard bang. My helmet gives me whiplash as my head slams on the ground. This does not feel like the foam pit, but I still land on the hill, which is softer due to the loose dirt.
I look toward the blue clear sky trying to catch my breath, a smile playing on my lips. I did it. Even if for just a few seconds, I was able to let go completely. My body is going to be fucking sore tomorrow, not good. Dion is going to kill me. I turn right and see my bike on the ground a couple of feet away. I can’t assess the damage until I get up.
“Fuck! Cole!” I hear in the distance. Darn. I didn’t think anyone else was here. Jack was supposed to be helping his sister and her family move in or something. That’s why I tried the stunt, why I was being a daredevil.
“Cole, are you okay?” he asks as he moves into my field of vision, blocking the beautiful blue sky. I can only nod. He starts assessing my body for injuries. “Does it hurt anywhere?” he asks as he continues running his hands over my body. His face is pale. “Stupid fucking kid. Are you okay to stand up now?”
Once again, I nod. He gives me his hand and pulls me up. I feel the rush go to my head, and I sway a little before gravity centers me once again. I dust my body as slowly as possible as the soreness seeps in.
“Are you okay, Cole?”
“Yes. I’m fine, just got the wind knocked out of me.”
“Does anything hurt?”
&n
bsp; “Yes, my ego,” I say. Maybe not the right thing to say since his once pale face turns red. He steps up, rips off my goggles, and proceeds to flip out.
“You fucking stupid kid! You could’ve gotten hurt or worse, died! Guys have broken their necks trying that stunt. What were you fucking thinking? Don’t answer that. I know what you were thinking, what you are always thinking, that you need to prove that you’re one of the guys, but you are not. You can’t just do this without anyone here to supervise. What would have happened if I hadn’t shown up when I did, and you were seriously hurt, huh?” I can see every emotion play through his face as he is yelling at me: fear, anger, and hopelessness.
I open my mouth to respond, but he interrupts me again.
“You are suspended from the track for a week, no buts,” he says before he storms off in the direction of my bike. “Oh, and just to make sure you don’t go behind my back, the bike stays here… locked up.”
What the fuck? “Jack, I’m sorry, okay. I promise it won’t happen again,” I plead as I run after him. “That’s not fair. The other guys do this all the time, why can’t I? I’m better, and I am always cautious,” I continue to plead.
“Yeah, right, you’re always reckless. You never think things through fully. You do what you want to do, when you want to do it. I care about you a lot, kid. I just don’t want to see you get hurt.” I can hear the disappointment in his voice for not listening to him and waiting to try the stunt.
I hate that I cause him to feel that way. “Fine,” I say as I storm toward the body shop to get my things. I am so fucking mad that there might be smoke coming out of me, mad that I missed my timing and crashed, upset with myself for getting lost in the feeling. The euphoria I was feeling earlier is clearly forgotten. I yank my helmet off, throwing it against the wall, my adrenaline coming back in full-force. Usually, I would just go back on the track and relieve it, but I’m fucking suspended like a rookie.
I grab my cell phone and press the name of the one person that can always help me get rid of this feeling.
“Hey, busy?”
“No.”
“Meet me in five minutes at my house.”
“Okay.”
I am moving with the rhythm and still can’t get the fall out of my head as I stare up at the string of lights covering my bedroom ceiling. Usually, Nolan can get me out of any funk, but today it’s not working. I just feel unsatisfied. I feel myself going through the motions that I have been doing since I lost my virginity to Nolan when we were stupid, horny fifteen-year-olds, and here we are two years later still trying to find comfort in each other.
I don’t know why I was even surprised about that; I had all my firsts with them. My two best friends in the whole world are boys, and not just any boys. They are all-American boys. Nolan is the town’s championship quarterback, with his dark hair and eyes. His body is built like a champ with his wide upper back and his rippled stomach. The scruff that he wears drives all the girls crazy since he entered freshmen year. Brian rules the diamond as our championship baseball pitcher. He is lean and soft-spoken. His features are softer than Nolan’s. He not so buff and built, but he has the boy-next-door-handsome that is so irresistible with his soft brown eyes and bright white smile that stands out against his golden skin. So yeah, I know every girl on campus is jealous because I get to hang out with both boys; you’d think that would make me happy, but it doesn’t. I have no female friends, and the ones that I thought were my friends only got close so they could have a chance with the boys.
“Lola, can you at least pretend to enjoy this? It will be easier for me to get off,” Nolan grunts from above me. I slide my hands up his muscular back and proceed to get in an ‘oh’ and ‘ah’ here and there. I even throw in a ‘yeah that’s the spot.’ After all, I was the one to call him.
“Really, Lola, forget it,” Nolan sighs as he makes a move to stop.
“No, sorry. Don’t stop, just fuck me faster and harder,” I say.
He proceeds to do just that, and before I know it, I’m yelling out his name.
Nolan gets up to get rid of the condom and walks back over to the bed. He slides in and opens his arms for me to cuddle into. Weird. That is something we don’t do. We fuck, and we go about our business until the next time we have the urge. Friends with benefits.
He must suspect that something is up. I crawl over to him and hug him. I lay still, just hearing the softness of our breathing and Mayberry, a local band, coming from my iPod on my desk.
“Are you going to tell me what’s wrong, or are we going to pretend that you didn’t just fake that?” Nolan breaks the silence.
“I wiped out today at the track,” I tell him.
“Yeah and…”
“I got suspended for a week.”
“Why? What trick was it?” I hear the suspicion in his voice.
“Just one that I have been practicing. Jack overreacted.” Nolan would go postal if he knew the truth. He is very overprotective, and it is so hard for him to protect me due to my choice of hobby. He knows why I love it and respects what I do, but he doesn’t like when I make reckless choices.
“Why would he? It’s not like it’s the first time he has seen you go down.” Nolan has been there since the beginning, since my first day on the track. He and Brian tried it for the first few years, but their fathers had other plans. Besides, they didn’t love it as I much as I do.
“I know, right? He even took my bike away for the week.” My mother thought it would be great parenting if she just got me one. That way if I needed to be grounded, she just had to take it away, so I couldn’t sneak out with another one. They hold the power with just one motocross bike, and now Jack holds that power.
“What? Lola, what trick did you do? Because if I remember correctly, you have been working on the Superman. Tell me you didn’t try it out on the track instead of the foam pit.”
I got quiet because there was no way this was going to end with us continuing to snuggle. I wanted to relish the feeling of being cuddled a bit longer.
“Lola.”
“Well, I can’t lie,” I mumble quietly. I’ m not usually this quiet, but I hate dealing with stubborn boys.
“Fuck, Lola! What the fuck were you thinking? What if you had broken your neck?” Nolan yells, as he pushes me away and gets out of bed. He starts to put on his jeans, yanking them on. I hate when everyone in my life gets like this, worked up over a fall or a trick. Can’t they see my need to break free from their confinements? I am not a fragile little girl. I practice and work hard on tricks. I put in as many hours as they do. I am not a girly-girl by a long shot, so I don’t know what the big deal is. They won’t even let me compete due to the roughness of the competition. I want to yank my hair out at times. They are so unreasonable.
“Nothing bad would’ve happened. I would wear a neck brace until I healed, or it wouldn’t matter because I would be dead.”
“You think it’s funny? Lola, I love you. You are a vital part of me, of us. We share a bond that nobody else gets. I would be devastated if something happened to you, and I know Brian feels the same,” Nolan says sadly. Why is it that I am surrounded by drama queens?
“Nothing will happen to me, Nolan. You know how I’m a perfectionist. I would have never tried it outside of the foam pit if I didn’t feel like I was ready. I just lost my head for a few seconds, and that’s on me. I promise I will keep my sexy body intact for your pleasure,” I joke. How he knows that is not the root of my problem I would never lose my head during a trick, but that’s why I called Nolan, because he won’t ask questions, he doesn’t like to get too deep. He just likes the surface, so if you smile, even if it doesn’t reach your eyes, he is okay.
“Now get going, I need to dance my frustration away,” I say as I wrap myself in my sheet and get up to look for my tank and shorts that I use for dancing.
“Okay, babe. See you later,” Nolan says. He gives me a brief kiss on the mouth and leaves.
I change and walk towar
d my dance studio. My great-grandparents moved to Texas from Louisiana where my great-grandfather built a plantation style home. It has seven rooms, which they were going to fill up with children, but they only had one child before my great-grandmother died of cancer. Then my grandparents only had one child too, so they started to convert the other rooms into hobby rooms.
Since my father is a photographer, he has his own studio with a dark room. My mother, the artist, converted my grandmother’s sewing room into an art studio. Now I have my own dance studio with the best wooden floors for a dancer and wall-to-wall mirrors. The coolest part is the floor to ceiling doors that I love to open at night when the weather permits, like tonight. I wish we had more land for a private track, so I couldn’t get suspended.
I connect my iPod to the speakers and scroll down to my dancing playlist. I feel like some hard rock tonight. “Wretched and Divine” by Black Veil Brides comes on, and I start moving to the music. I have a Flashdance or Footloose kind of style. I let loose all the frustration. It is not about routine and precision. I don’t have to care if my arms are extended or if my back is arched in the right position. This is about letting the music take control of my body and my soul. Besides the track, this is the other place that I can be myself, where I leave all the restrictions of being a girl. It’s just me, and I happen to love just me.
I have no idea how many songs have gone by. All I know is that I’m drenched in sweat and my cheeks are tear-stained. I have no idea when I started crying. I just hate that I messed up and will be off the track for the first week of school. I don’t want this year to start, because in the end I will be losing my two best friends. That is the heart of my problem; the fact that I have never lived a single day without Nolan or Brian, but they are both moving away for college. They have a set goal, a goal that was made by their parents at a young age. I, on the other hand, have no idea what I want, where I want to go, or who I want to be. The restlessness I feel is due to that fact that I love to ride and dance. I might be good, but am I great? I have so much confusion as to where I want my life to go.
Dirty Chaos Page 1
