"Bend," I said absently, correcting my guide. "Is Muriel here, too? Can I see and meet her, too?"
"I'm not enough for you?" he asked.
"I didn't mean to hurt your feelings," I said sincerely. "It's wonderful meeting you, seeing you. Why are you so tall?"
"It's fun." James shifted his shape so he looked more "normal" to me. He shifted back and it made me laugh. I realized in that moment that I felt no pain. I couldn't feel my body at all. I was filled with joy and happiness. No, it was more. I was filled with love. Yet it was even more than that single emotion. It's the best I'd ever felt in my life. It was pure, positive emotion.
James shifted his shape again. He was suddenly just a point of light and then, just as quickly, became that tall, aurora skyscraper again. What's so strange is that, while I felt I could see him, see his shifting ways, at the same time, the place we were had no place. There was nothing to really see. When he pointed, I saw me in the hospital bed, bandaged, tubes going in, coming out of me. When I looked in that direction on my own, all I saw was nothingness.
"I know this is a strange place. You can't be here and there at the same time. Your mind, your personal references, while still attached to your physical reality really don't work here. It's very different here," James offered in explanation.
I felt for a moment. It was a feeling, a knowing, not a thinking or a being sensation. I knew things, suddenly. I felt as if I had all time and knowledge, all experience at once. I allowed myself to drift.
A red light sped past. It caught my attention from all the other colored lights shooting this way and that. I watched the light do loops and circles. I knew it was showing off.
"Never one to make a simple entrance," said James. He chuckled a little, transformed into a green light, and chased the red.
I thought for a moment, weightless. There was no fear, no anxiety. Everything just was. I spun around and the space between what I assumed to be stars went as far as I could see in every direction. I looked back toward where James pointed earlier. I could see a little light in one place. I concentrated. There I was in a hospital bed. People surrounded me. Sam, Harry, Ariel, Dr. Sandy, Malcolm standing back from the others, Lola at the door. I focused more. I could see into the nearby rooms. More concentration, I could see the streets of Manhattan. Interest placed on any thing or person brought that item or entity into my knowing. I focused more and could see the entire planet, with a little more thought I could go into any place, receiving great detail about the item, person, or place in my mind. It wasn’t that anyone spoke the information into my head or my ear, I simply knew all the sordid and ragged details about whatever I chose to focus my attention upon. The detail wasn't only visual, it was a knowing. I got their thoughts, emotions, vibrations. I could see where they were in the moment and what would happen in the next moment for them. Yet, it was all one for me. There weren’t any actual separations.
I thought of General Samovar, saw him with a gun in his hand, firing, killing people. I thought of another despot, saw him fucking a young woman not his wife. I suddenly thought of a man I'd known when we were both young, excellent drugs and sex, I saw him tending bar in the West Village, now, like me, older. As I saw him, he looked up, as if he had a thought and I felt his vibration shift and his kind memory of me came into his knowing.
The green and red lights circled around my head at warp speed, pulling my focus to them. James returned to being very tall. The other light stopped, shifted like into hundreds of colors, making forms and shapes, returning to a single point of red light, then formed new multicolored shapes like a kaleidoscope.
I knew it was Muriel. I felt a connection and bond so strong it overwhelmed me. When I thought to raise a hand to my head, I “saw” or rather knew that I no longer held a temporal shape myself, but only a mass of energy that, like my guides, could be shifted. As Muriel shifted color and shape, so I now allowed my own shapes and colors to shift. James and Muriel spun, like fine thread, all around me, embracing me in the hug of a lifetime. I felt overcome with joy and elation. Quick as I'd been cocooned, I was free. The two that had been one separated and in addition to the ever altering James, a beautiful woman, with flowing blue robes, but no solidness, appeared before me.
"Hello, my dear. We meet in person at last."
I thought about the term "in person." We were all now in variations of human figures, albeit out of proportion.
"Muriel!" I felt elation again. "You're beautiful!"
"Don't sound so surprised, dear." She spun, her expanding robes, flowing out in all directions at once. She spun the opposite way. Her robes gathered back tight around her.
I wanted to embrace her and at that single thought, it happened, our energy entwined providing a sensation of happiness, love, support, and about a million other emotions, all on the positive end of the spectrum and all in an instant. I could feel, or knew that we both enjoyed our reunion. And, as quickly as it had happened we were once again single entities, yet still powerfully connected.
"He has to go back," said James, ending my elation.
"I know," she said. "No need to rush this. There's no time for us."
"But, there is for them." Again James pointed.
The scene in the room had changed. I was alone in that room now. It was dark. In what felt like no time at all in my current perspective, hours had elapsed for my Earth-bound body. I focused a little more, there was another figure there. It was Sam, asleep in a chair, his arms wrapped tightly around himself.
"Duke." When Muriel said my name all my energy fluttered. It was wonderful. "Duke," she said again, drawing my attention to her, "James is pushing a bit, but you actually get to make this decision about going back or not. It's true, it's not your time to have returned here, and why you're here is anyone's knowing, but now that you are, it's up to you if you want to return to your physical life...” she pointed at me in the hospital bed.
I could clearly see myself there and knew I was still in a coma.
Muriel continued, "...or you can simply withdraw your focus fully from that physical life and remain here.
I pondered this knowing. I could see and feel all the possible outcomes of my choice. We weren't actually using words, although that's how they were being processed for me. I knew things; the words came into my being. I knew I was still using my Earth-bound mind and that translated what I was getting from Muriel and James. I could feel or knew in some other way that they processed knowing and information and emotions differently from how I was experiencing them. I realized in that instant that I wasn’t with them fully and I wasn’t in my physical body or mind fully. I was in the middle, somewhere focused between physical life and life in nonphysical. The thought of leaving this perfect place caused a brief flash of sadness. Even sadder was the thought of never being in my physical life again. It wasn’t about leaving my friends and family, but more about not having the experiences of a physical life. In the fraction of a second the realization took, I understood why I’d been in physical.
"He really does have to go back. Duke, you must," said James, imposingly.
I focused again on the hospital room. Sunshine streamed into the room. Only Malcolm was with my comatose body. He was talking to me. I could clearly hear him.
"Duke, come back to us. We all need you. We all need you. I need you." Malcolm said the phrases over and over. He wept.
I turned my intention toward Sam. Suddenly, I could see him, hear the music he played in the theater. See the show as it happened. I could feel, despite the cheery music, his sadness. I could feel how miserable he was, how much he missed me. I knew he hated being at the show instead of at my hospital bedside. I brushed my energy up to him. His mood lightened a little. I pushed a knowing to him that I would be fine, that I would recover fast.
I knew without doubt that I would recover very fast if I returned. I understood the connection between intention, knowing, and physical being. My perspective was changed, altered into a greater understanding of the
connection between what we perceived as our physical world and what we perceived as...as...as this world on...the other side, yet it wasn’t another side, not really. Everything was so intertwined it was impossible to tell where one moment started and another ended.
"How quickly you learn," said Muriel, drawing me back to her and James.
"I love him," I said of Sam. I felt him love me back. "All the threads of energy are attached and connected from here to there, from me to them.”
It's wonderful, isn’t it?" asked Muriel.
I spun around, taking in my surroundings again. Where the first time it looked like long distances of nothingness, now I saw pinpoints of light all around me. For a moment I was simply a blip of light in the wide field of source energy. As I focused on the lights I saw I was part of the groups and individuals they represented. None shunned me, all welcomed me. No sharing was closed off. There weren't any egos, although eccentricities survived well.
"Amazing," I said to James and Muriel. I knew they agreed. "Why am I here?"
"We decide our time and lives," Muriel said with knowing. "You are always connected to this place. You've simply decided to spend a physical life with that group of beings you know. When that time is finished, when that experience is done, you'll return here. You may then go back or go to another place or just stay here in the source of knowing. You might choose to guide and aid others. You might choose to just be."
I contemplated what she shared. I looked at James, shifting shapes over and over. He changed from a tiny flash of energy, to a tall being, to a regular size, over and over. Is that what I wanted for myself now? Is that how I wanted to spend the next phase of my existence? I knew immediately that I wanted to return to my current physical life.
"Good," said James, "that's about finished."
"Remember, there is no time here," Muriel sent to me. Her robes fluttered again.
"James, why are you so down on me being here?" I asked.
"Not down. It's just that I like helping you. If you're here, I'll have no one else to help for awhile. I like being connected to you on Earth, being one of your guides." He was sincere. As he spoke, I felt his long light arms embrace me. The hug was the most rewarding feeling of love I'd ever experienced. I knew I was loved. I knew in that moment of embrace that I was supported beyond my wildest dreams.
"I like that, too," said Muriel. The love that flowed from her was exquisite, delicious.
"I want to go back. I'm having fun with Sam and Malcolm and all those that come into my life."
"Even Lola?" James asked.
"If it hadn't been for her I wouldn't have had this experience. That makes it all worth it." I thought of Lola and could feel her sadness and remorse. I focused an energy of love and wellbeing toward her and I could feel her vibration shift, her emotional load lighten.
We were just there for a moment, no shifting or sharing of energy.
I thought for a moment, what is destiny? What is the meaning of life? In another awe-inspiring moment of love I suddenly knew that it was only about expansion of this sense of love, this feeling of wellbeing. There were no roles to play. There were no jobs or requirements. There was only this expansion of the feelings and vibration that we in physical know as love. Yet, it was bigger here, even greater. There was nothing we needed to do or accomplish in our physical lifetime, only have the experiences and the emotions of living. It really was that simple and yet also that complex.
In that moment of knowing, I asked: "How do I do it? How do I go back?"
Into my being came a knowing stronger than anything I'd felt so far. I understood.
"One more thing," I said before returning to my body.
Both of them waited with me while I asked through pure energy if I could see them more in our earth/energy connection. I received their answer and launched myself with pure focus back into my Earth-bound body. Upon arrival, I opened my physical eyes. Everything appeared dull and flat. I blinked a few times. Still, things appeared dull and flat. In my head, I received from Muriel a knowing that this is how things on earth always look. I'd had a taste of multi-dimensional vision and vibration, where everything is brilliant and filled with love, saturated with pure source energy. Here, in our physical reality, everything now seemed dulled down to its minimum. Those without pure knowing can't handle the brilliance of reality.
"Duke, your back!" shouted Sam, launching from his chair toward me.
I held out my good hand, he squeezed it hard. "I love you, Sam, I said as I used that physical bond to pull him toward me. Sam kissed me, delicately at first, then with a gentle, heated passion.
The physical sensation of pain hit me. I enjoyed its return for a moment. The combination of the slight ecstasy from the kiss and the surge of pain became overwhelming. "Call someone," I said to Sam. "It hurts. Fuck. It hurts!"
Sam bolted from the room. I was alone in my body. Clear as before I knew what to do. Eyes closed, thoughts focused, I willed away the pain, willed healing into my body. I knew with certainty, by the time the nurse arrived with a syringe that my body was healed. I decided not to share that at the moment, enjoying the pain killers as she injected them into my IV.
The drugs weren't enough to knock me back out, but the world looked all fuzzy again.
"Please call Dr. Sandy," I attempted to say. It sounded correct in my head, but Sam laughed when I said it.
"I'll have what he's having." Sam laughed. His lame joke caused no reaction from the nurse who turned and left the room.
When the doctor arrived, I pushed him to give me more x-rays to prove that my bones were healed. He acquiesced.
Sam had a performance that evening, and I pushed him to go, reassuring him again and again that I was fine. Finally, he gave in and left.
After Dr. Sandy had reviewed the new images of my interior, he returned to my room and began cutting away the cast that bound my arm. "Never seen nothing like it, Duke.”
I rubbed my arm and bent my wrist as he cut away the plaster encasing my leg.
"Nope, nothing like it. Four days in a coma and suddenly healed. Hell, this is barely dried.” He laughed and looked deep into my eyes. “If I were a more spiritual man, I’d say this constituted a miracle."
"Can't explain it, Sandy," I said. "I just decided to be well." There were so many things I wanted to share with this man of science, but I couldn’t begin to put into words all that I’d seen, felt, and experienced.
"You're better connected than you know," said the doctor, little buzzing saw in hand.
"Trust me, I know how well connected I am."
I left the hospital that evening. I left a message for Sam on his cell and another for Malcolm. I didn’t want to go home. I didn’t want to have to talk about all of this and explain what had happened. So, out of some odd instinct, I let my body lead me and arrived in the West Village. With little conscious thought, I walked along Greenwich Avenue and arrived rather abruptly at the door of what had, in the “old days” been my favorite dive. That was back in the days of readings for drinks and tricks. Back then, everyone knew me. It was like Cheers, everyone knew my name. Now, a new group filled the stools. None of them knew me. I stood at the end of the bar, waited for the bartender.
"Duke?" he asked.
"Barry!" I said with a broad smile.
"Jack and Coke?" he asked, not waiting for my reply. "How the hell are you? You know, I was just thinking of you the other day. Hadn't thought about you in ages, then, there you were in my head."
"I'm great." I was glad to be there, glad to be alive. I didn't say anything about where I'd been and that I'd been thinking of him, too. I just let it all slide. I was in the moment, in this moment.
"Hey, you still do that psychic stuff?" he asked. Barry had been an early trick for treat client.
"Yeah," I said, "not like in the old days." I winked at the handsome bear of a man behind the bar. I'd connected him to his dead grandmother; he taught me some fun, nasty things I'd never imagined two men would do to
each other. My dick reacted, hardening just a little.
He laughed. "Nope, nothing stays the same." Barry eyed my hand on my crotch as he served my drink. "We had some fun back then though, huh?"
I enjoyed the sparkle from his speckled blue eyes and took a long drink. "Sure did." I smiled back. "Oh, that's good. I don't think I've had a Jack and Coke since the last time I was in here."
"Don't add a date to that statement. Neither of us needs to remember how old we are tonight with all these handsome young men in here."
The evening passed with me holding men's hands, telling them about their futures, connecting them with their dead. Just like the old days, I left with a pocket filled with phone numbers scrawled on bar napkins. I had reconnected to a distant time and place.
My readings were richer now, deeper. In the past, I’d simply turned to my team and let their words flow through me to the client. But, now, I focused differently. First I’d look for their pinpoint of light in the darkness. Once I’d found their true self, the inner being of them that resided in that other place, I watched it take shape and form in my mind's eye; Next, I’d connect to their energy entity that the speck of light represented, and instantly, through a knowing similar to what I’d experienced during my time with Muriel and James, I’d be able to share the information I received.
My walk home had a little stagger to it. I was drunk. The air felt fresh. I felt the joy in some I passed. I felt the sorrow in others. Their emotions and my own felt more brilliant, more in the moment than before my, what would that experience be called? An accident? Not really. The event? That felt better. My breaking bones, meeting my team “in person,” and then healing myself instantly was certainly an event. Now, it was time to decide what would be next for me.
I felt him next to me before I saw him out of the corner of my eye.
“Pretty full of yourself now,” he said.
The Middle Man [A Broadway Romance] Page 14
