Amy’s voice was soft, barely a whisper. “Daddy said you’d take care of me.”
I bent down and kissed her forehead. “And he’s right, sweetheart. I will take care of you.” I turned to Dennis. “I’m going to take her upstairs to bed.” Dennis nodded.
I had changed Amy into pajamas and gotten her into bed. I was just sitting with her and watching her to make sure she was asleep when my phone started to vibrate. It was Carl. I hurried out to the hall so I didn’t disturb Amy.
“Where have you been?” I didn’t even give him the courtesy of hello.
“I have to work for a living, Miss Clayborn. I returned your call as soon as I could.” Carl seemed distant, but I knew it was just an act. He wanted me to think he no longer cared about me.
“Your daughter needs you.”
“My daughter is in very capable hands.”
“Carl, you need to get your ass home now. Amy wants you.” I was starting to get loud, so I went to the first room I found—his bedroom. I looked around. Everything was black and grey. There was no color, no warmth. Dennis’s room may have not matched or been magazine worthy, but I felt safe and secure in his bedroom. This room just made me want to grab my winter coat to take off the chill.
“Now I’m Carl? I have a full day, and I’ll be home around dinner.”
“Dennis and I will not be staying for dinner.” That got his attention. I heard a loud pounding noise as if his fist hit his desk.
“He is not allowed in my home. I want him gone now.” I could have sworn I heard Carl stand.
I kept my voice calm. I knew it would get to him more that way. “As long as I’m here, he will be here.”
Carl was trying to remain calm, but his clipped words told me he was anything but calm. “I will call the police if I need to.”
“Go ahead. I would love to tell them how you took your daughter to daycare in the hopes of getting me to your house alone. I’m sure your company would love to hear your excuses for the neglect charges that could be filed.” I could tell he didn’t expect my threat and was trying to come up with a defense, but I didn’t let him. “You know, actually you’re doing me a favor. I know your intention was to make me wait for you, so I’d be grateful when you finally showed up, but take your time. I’m rather enjoying my time with Dennis on your sofa.” I hung up and didn’t let him respond.
I checked on Amy before heading downstairs to Dennis. He was still sitting in the same spot I left him in, but he stood when he saw me coming down. “Is she okay?”
“Yes. She probably just has a bug or something, but I’ll keep checking on her. At least she seems to be finished throwing up.” I wrapped my arms around him and looked at him. The look in his eyes told me something was off. “What’s wrong?”
Dennis looked around a little and looked back to me, but wouldn’t meet my eyes. I took his arms and wrapped them around my waist. Then I held his face and made him look at me. “I can’t give you this, Drew.” He looked around at the huge house we were standing in.
I grabbed his head a little more firmly and made him look at me again. “What can’t you give me? A home? A child? A family? Have I ever said I wanted more than that?”
“No, but—”
“There are no buts here, Dennis. I don’t want this house. Please don’t start doubting us now.”
“I don’t doubt that you deserve better than the life I can give you.” He tried to pull away.
I grabbed his shirt so he couldn’t walk away. “Women like me don’t want a house full of empty rooms and an overflowing bank account.” He stopped pulling away and looked at me. “What I want is a man who will show me he loves me, not show me his money.”
Dennis finally held me the way I loved him to and put his forehead to mine. “I’m sorry. I don’t doubt us. I just want to give you everything you want.”
“Everything I want is holding me right now.” We heard Amy cry for me upstairs, so I backed away from Dennis. “Okay, maybe I also want a cure for the flu.”
~*~
Amy slept off and on all morning. I called Terri to make sure I was doing everything right. I knew how to help Trevor and Sally, but I didn’t want to miss something with Amy. I’d never taken care of her while she was sick before. Terri offered to come over if I needed her to, but she assured me I was doing fine.
Terri was a little surprised I jumped to help Carl again, but agreed that I had no other option. She didn’t want her kids exposed, and Amy really needed to be in bed. I would’ve liked to have taken her to Carl’s office and let her get sick on his desk, but I wouldn’t use Amy the way Carl had.
It was just after lunchtime, and Dennis and I were debating about getting something to eat. Neither one of us really had an appetite after helping Amy all morning, but we didn’t want to be starving later, either. The front door flew open, and Carl stormed into the living room.
“Get out.” He went after Dennis.
I jumped up and stood between them. “No, you will not fight again.”
“Drew, I kicked his ass once. I can do it again.”
“You got lucky—”
I shoved Carl. “Shut up. Your daughter is asleep and doesn’t need this.” I shoved him again when he wouldn’t back down. “Don’t you remember how upset she was the last time?”
Carl finally backed up a little and relaxed his shoulders. “I still want him out.”
I grabbed my purse. “Fine, Amy’s asleep—”
“I want him out, but I still need you. I have to go back.”
Dennis took a step forward. “Over my—”
“Stop.” I put my hand on his chest and turned to Carl. “You’ll have to call someone else.” I took Dennis’s hand and started to walk out.
“Don’t you care about her?” Carl was dumbfounded that I was leaving.
I turned and ignored Dennis’s tugging on my hand. “Of course I care about her, but she’s not my responsibility. She’s not my daughter.”
Carl’s anger reached a breaking point. “She could have been!”
~*~
I sat there numb. Maybe it was the drugs. All the painkillers they gave me after the surgery. Maybe it was too new, and I hadn’t absorbed her words yet. Maybe my wish was coming true and I was dying, too. All I really knew was that Terri had just told me my daughter was dead.
“Drew, I need you to speak to me. I need you to do something.” Terri sat on the edge of the hospital bed, holding my hand. She reached up with her other hand and touched my face. She tried to get me to look at her. It was slow, but I did. “Did you hear what I said?”
I slightly nodded. At least I thought I did. I must have because when I looked away again, Terri didn’t stop me. I sat there unblinking, staring at the edge of the bed. I was afraid that if I looked beyond the bed it would all become real. I didn’t know what to do. I was just going to lie in bed. I wasn’t even going to think. I didn’t even feel the pain anymore.
Well, I guess there was a slow pain starting in the middle of my chest. It was more like an ache and not like the pain I felt before from surgery. There was also tightness in my throat. Maybe I should’ve told Terri. Maybe I was having a reaction to one of the medications. My vision started to go blurry. I finally blinked to try to clear it, and it cleared only for a second before it was blurry again.
I heard this noise, and it must have startled Terri, too, because she was up in bed with me, holding me as if she could protect me from whatever was making that noise. It wasn’t until Mark came running in that I realized I was the one making the noise.
They both held me until the noise stopped, but then I started asking questions. Terri and Mark didn’t go far. “Why didn’t they save her?”
Terri was drying my face. She tried to hand the tissues to me, but I didn’t care about them. “They tried. Believe me, they tried.”
“They didn’t try hard enough!” I tried to fight Terri. Tried to get out of bed to make them try again, but the physical pain was finally kicking in on to
p of the emotional torture I was feeling.
“I’m so sorry, Drew. They did try. She just couldn’t be saved.” She held me tighter.
“She could have been!” I collapsed in Terri’s arms and started sobbing. “I should have saved her.” That noise started again. “I should have saved her.”
~*~
I inhaled deeply and let Dennis’s scent calm me. When I could speak, I whispered. “I want to go home.”
“Okay, in a few minutes.” Dennis tightened his hold on me.
I snuggled deeper into his embrace and could see Carl sitting on the arm of the chair just looking at me. I closed my eyes. I didn’t want to see that look—the look of pity or whatever else was going through his mind. I just wanted to go home.
True to his word, a few minutes later, Dennis sat up, still holding me. “Are you okay?”
“Yes.” I sat up and wiped my eyes. “I just really want to go home.”
“I’ll take you.”
“I have my car here. I can drive.” I stood up, and Dennis held my hips when I started to sway.
“I’m driving. Mark and I will come back for your car.” Dennis picked up my purse and started to lead me out of the room.
“Drew?” I turned when Carl finally spoke. “Thank you for bringing Amy home and staying with her.”
“I did it for her, Carl, not you.” I started to leave and turned back to him. “You will damage her with the games you play. You’ve already lost your wife. Do you want to lose your daughter, too? Wake up and make changes before it’s too late.” Carl looked up towards Amy’s room as Dennis and I walked out.
Chapter 19
Joseph was silent for a few moments after I discussed the flashback at Carl’s house. “Did you discuss it at all with Dennis?”
“He knows what it was about.” I knew where this conversation was going, and I looked out the window.
“What happened that night with Dennis?”
“Nothing.” I looked at Joseph. “We didn’t fight if that’s what you’re asking.”
“No. I don’t think you fought. I was just wondering what the two of you did that night.” There was a challenge in Joseph’s eyes, and I wasn’t sure what game he was playing.
I crossed my legs and leaned on the arm of the chair a little. “Okay, I’ll play. Dennis took me home as he said he would. We skipped lunch and he ran a bath for me—a nice, relaxing, hot bath that he didn’t join in at first. He gave me space, but came in before the water got cold and held me. We added a little more hot water, and he listened while I talked.
“After we were sick of the water and I had said all I wanted to, we took a nap. By the time I woke up, Dennis had already gone with Mark to get my car and brought dinner home to me. Then he held me on the sofa while neither one of us really watched television until we went to bed . . . to sleep.”
Joseph and I sat and stared at each other for what seemed like an eternity. Still not sure what game Joseph was playing, but not willing to play it with him anymore, I reached for my purse. “Why the hostility, Drew?”
“Because I know where you’re going with this. I know what you’re trying to do.”
Joseph stood and pulled out my file. He brought it over with him and sat down, but didn’t sit back. He leaned forward, putting the file on the coffee table between us and rested his elbows on his knees. “I’m here to help you see things that you cannot see. I’m here to help guide you so you can live your life to the fullest.” He pointed down to the file. I hadn’t noticed he positioned it so I could read it. “This is what you asked me to do when you first came to me. Have your goals changed?”
~*~
I wanted to drag Terri in with me, but she wouldn’t budge from the waiting room. The last couple of shrinks she made me go to had been worthless. They’d done more talking than listening, and I felt as if I were in school or church—not therapy. She thought I was being dramatic when I complained about them and that I was unwilling to seek help. I didn’t need help. The one thing I did need, I’d never get—my daughter.
I deserved to be miserable. What mother doesn’t protect her child? I was no better than Craig. He may have been the one to kill her, but I was the one who didn’t protect her. Why did I get to live my life as if nothing had happened?
“Since this is our first session, I’m pretty flexible on what we discuss, but you do need to discuss something.” Joseph wasn’t cramming the space with questions and answering them himself as the others did. That made me a little more comfortable than the others had.
“There’s nothing to talk about.”
“Everyone has something to talk about. What do you do for a living?”
I made eye contact for the first time since entering his office. “I don’t work, but you already know that.”
“No, I didn’t know that. The only thing I do know is your name and that your friend is very worried about you, but I know nothing else. Anything I learn about you will come from you.” Joseph put his notepad on the side table next to him. I hadn’t realized that he had it, and I wanted to know what he had written. He looked at the notepad I was staring at and picked it up. “This is literally all that I know about you.” He handed it to me.
I hesitated, but I leaned forward and took it. It had my name and a bunch of questions that were unanswered. “My favorite ice cream?” I looked at Joseph. “What does that have to do with anything?” He pointed at the notepad for me to keep reading. He wanted to know all of my favorites: movies, music, color, food, and hobbies. “This is more like a dating survey than something for therapy.” I put it back on the table.
Joseph chuckled and picked up the notepad. “I’m a curious kind of guy. When you walked in, you said you didn’t want any questions, so I didn’t ask, but do you think these are things you could answer?” I looked at the clock and shrugged. I had forty-five minutes to kill anyway.
We spent the most time debating about ice cream. Joseph liked simple flavors and thought things like rocky road complicated the simplest thing in the world. Not everything should be complicated according to him. Twenty minutes had passed, and by the time it was over, my cheeks hurt from laughing.
“You have a beautiful laugh, Drew. Thank you for letting me hear it. Something tells me you haven’t used it in awhile.”
That brought reality back, and I looked at my hands. “I don’t deserve to laugh.”
Joseph’s voice had taken a soft turn. “You don’t feel you deserve to have fun or any enjoyment out of life?”
“No.” I could barely whisper. I didn’t want to cry in front of him. I didn’t want to show how weak I was, but it was getting harder to keep the tears away.
“Terri seems to think you deserve those things. What happened to make you feel that way?”
“I didn’t protect my daughter.” I didn’t believe Joseph hadn’t allowed Terri to tell him anything about me until I told him the truth. The look on his face and the change in his posture told me he was hearing it for the first time.
“What could you have done differently?”
“Everything!” The words poured out as if a dam had broken, and I couldn’t stop them if I’d wanted to. I told him about Craig and how I thought I could control him until the baby was born. How I thought I could protect her more by staying close and monitoring the moods of Craig rather than by being on the run and having no protection if I ran into him somewhere. How I didn’t want my problems to become Terri and her family’s problems since I knew he would terrorize them to get to me.
“Drew, it sounds as if the only person you didn’t protect was yourself. I realize the death of your unborn child is devastating and will take time to come to terms with. It’s something you will never fully be over. However, do you think your child would want you to live a life of misery because you did what you thought was best?” Joseph leaned forward and rested his elbows on his knees. “I think it’s time you start protecting Drew.”
“But I’m the one who should have died. She should h
ave been able to live her life and make better choices than I made.”
“So you just live to die now? Is that a way to honor her memory?” Joseph sat back up, and his voice took a harsher edge. “The facts are that you are here and she’s not. You get to live and she doesn’t. You’re okay to just waste that life, waste that second chance you’ve been given? What about your future children?”
My eyes snapped to Joseph. “I’m not having children.”
“Why not? Wouldn’t you have made a good mother?”
“I had one choice to make, and I made the wrong one, so I would say no.”
“Bullshit.” My eyes grew wide with Joseph’s honesty. “You made the best choice you could have. You’ve said yourself that he would have tracked you down and made life miserable for Terri and her family. You said the stress of running would have caused more harm to the baby and you were afraid to lose her that way. It sounds as if you believe either choice would have had the same outcome.”
I sat there stunned, completely in shock from what I’d just heard. It didn’t make it any easier to hear that no matter what I had done I still wouldn’t have my child. “But you don’t know that it would have ended the same way if I’d left.”
“And you don’t, either. You can’t beat yourself up over what you don’t know. If she were the one to live and you died, would you want her to waste her life because she was the cause of the fight? Because she was the reason her mother died?”
I stood up abruptly. “Don’t do that!”
Joseph just sat through my outburst. I wanted to smack the calmness out of him. “Do what?”
“Make me see! I don’t want to see what you’re showing me.”
“What do you want, Drew?” I didn’t answer, so he continued. “I think that you do want to see and that you’re striving for normal and don’t know how to accomplish that. I think you want to be back among the living and you feel guilty for that feeling. You see Terri and her family, and you desperately want that, even though you won’t allow yourself the happiness.”
I slowly sat back down and started crying. I could only nod my head at first, but I eventually started talking again. I couldn’t believe an innocent debate on the merits of rocky road versus plain chocolate ice cream opened me up to spill my darkest secrets. The session lasted twice as long as it should have. Terri was terrified out in the waiting room, until I finally emerged with my two goals in place—to come out of the dark and finally see life how it should be and then to actually live it.
Striving for Normal (Striving Series) Page 23
