Of course, I’m having this pep talk today of all days.
My dad’s birthday. He would have turned sixty.
He’s the reason I love the water so much. He’s the reason I started swimming.
He’s the reason I want to succeed.
I usually spend this day in the pool, and today is no different. It’s the one day my coach lets me be, knowing I need to deal with this my way. Work through it.
Chase that relief, that feeling where the pain of losing him so early in my life eases slightly.
The blackness that usually pulls at the edges of my whole being weaker than normal though. The pain that’s usually right in the middle of my torso is duller today. For the first time. Ever.
It’s all still there but it’s fading, and I’m not sure that’s a good thing. It scares me.
Instead of the never-ending library of pictures of my dad rotating in my brain, there’s now also Tanner. Which causes the pain to shift into a different beast, something unfamiliar yet powerful. The extra loss of my dad never meeting my son. Tanner never meeting his grandpa.
A void that’s impossible to fill, no matter how much I try.
A sudden motion in front of me makes me slow down until I come to a stop at the end of the lane.
Hunter, Ryan, and Noah stand in a half circle at the edge of the pool. All in swim trunks and a towel wrapped around their shoulders.
There’s a moment of silence between us before Hunter crouches down. “Hey, dude. We thought you might want some competition today.”
They all know about my dad and how I normally spend this day, but no one says a word about it.
Ryan takes a step forward, one side of his mouth lifted the slightest bit. “We thought we could show you how it’s done right.”
Despite my gloomy mood, I chuckle. “You think you got it in you, old man?”
He grins in return, never caring if anyone mentions that he has several years on us, almost ten on Hunter, which in swimmer years basically turns him into a senior. “I know I do.”
Noah stays quiet like so often, giving me his signature nod, his expression relaxed.
My friends are here, for me. To help me through this tough day.
I swallow back the emotions, looking at each of them for a long moment, my chin raised. “Bring it.”
“You’ve got it.”
“Get ready to have your ass handed to you.”
“Cocky bastard.”
The voices all blend together as they put away their towels and go through their own rituals of getting ready.
Hunter jumps up and down a few times while shaking his arms, looking like a monkey performing a rain dance more than anything. Ryan clenches and unclenches his fists several times before rolling his neck and clapping his hands.
Noah stretches his body, his long arms extending far above his head, making his reach seem almost unnatural, before he brushes off his shoulders.
I observe the three men for a moment, my friends, the people that know me as well as anyone, even though we all lead busy lives and aren’t able to spend a ton of time together.
Hunter gets in my line of vision. “Are you going to get out of there at some point today so we can get started or continue to stare at us like a lovesick puppy?”
Only he gets away with shit like this.
“Fuck you, Hunt.”
“Gladly.” He extends an arm and holds out his hand, helping me out of the water in one swift move. “Let’s do this, you pussies.”
Everyone glares at Hunter, but he only laughs. Like I said, only he gets away with shit like this.
We get on the blocks, the tension between us friendly but present, as we get in our positions.
“Ready?” Hunter yells, and we all grunt in response.
My focus is laser-sharp when Hunter gives us the signal with a loud whistle. With my gaze trained ahead of me, I dive into the water, my fingertips entering the liquid body first before my shoulders, torso and legs follow.
I hold my streamline and start kicking right before I lose my momentum. As I near the surface, I take a powerful stroke to propel myself to the top of the water.
My body takes over, completely on autopilot. My flutter kick moves my body forward, my hands cutting in and out of the water in alternating strokes.
After going almost nonstop all day, my muscles are on fire, but it also feels so damn good to push myself one more time.
This is exactly what I needed, giving me that last push to get my head back in the right place.
I don’t know how long we go, losing track of time as my body goes through the familiar motions. But at some point, we all stop, like a well-trained team.
Since no one’s there to referee, we all claim to have won.
We swim several laps to cool down. No need to store that excess lactic acid and be sore as hell tomorrow.
When we get out of the water and grab our towels, Hunter’s next to me, brushing a hand through his wet hair. “Go grab your stuff, we’re going out to eat. I’m starving.”
His gaze is on me, his chin slightly lifted as he studies me, waiting for me to decline.
“Okay.”
“Okay?” His eyes widen for a moment, and he’s unable to keep the hint of surprise out of his voice.
“Yup, let’s go.” I grab my duffel and head to the showers before anyone else asks questions. I’m glad the guys are here, but I’m not sure I’m ready for a full-on conversation yet.
When I’m showered and changed, I get in my car and pull out my phone.
Jace: Things go okay today with Tanner?
Emilia: Yes. He had a fun tantrum at the store, but that’s nothing new. And your mom picked him up earlier like we talked about. They were both pretty excited. I think they took half of Tanner’s toys with them.
For some reason, today is easier to deal with for my mom than me. Since she knew how hard it would be for me, she offered—or rather insisted—on having Tanner over for a sleepover. She’s got a whole room made up for him at her house and they love spending time together, so I thought why not.
I’m still staring at my phone when another message pops up.
Emilia: You doing okay? I can still cancel my plans for tonight and meet you at your place.
I want to say “Hell yes,” but I can’t. She’s got plans for tonight, and it’s Saturday after all, and I don’t want to pull her down with my funky mood either.
Jace: No, you’re all good. I’m heading out with the guys to eat.
Emilia: Oh, okay. That’s great. Have fun.
Jace: Thanks. You too.
Just not too much fun, but I don’t say that. I have no right to tell her what to do, no matter how much I want to.
And boy, do I want to.
I want to claim her.
Tell everyone she’s mine.
A knock at the window makes my gaze snap up. Hunter’s peering in my car like a lunatic, and I put my phone away. No point in dwelling over Em right now.
Hunter makes a “let’s go” motion with his thumb over his shoulder, and I nod.
Our favorite Italian restaurant is only a short drive away, the chef expecting us after one of the guys called in earlier. We’re greeted with big platters of appetizers, and the waiter then advises that our chicken pasta will be done shortly.
Ryan groans. “Damn, this is still some of the best food out there. Harper’s probably salivating, knowing I’ll take some home for her.”
Hunter nods before shoving more tortillas loaded with spinach-artichoke dip in his mouth. “She doing alright?”
Ryan wipes his mouth and nods. “Most of the time, yeah. She’s starting to get uncomfortable, but we still have a good two months ahead of us, so she’s hanging in there.”
Noah puts down his glass. “My sister was always miserable in the last few weeks. She’d bite everyone’s head off over nothing.”
Ryan groans while Hunter laughs.
“How’s Daisy doing?” All heads turn my way, proba
bly because I’ve been quiet.
Noah lifts one shoulder. “She’s doing okay. The divorce has been civil enough I guess, even though my parents are still in shock. Just shows that you never truly know what’s going on behind closed doors.”
“True.” My thoughts immediately flash to Em and her family. Noah’s words couldn’t have been more true.
Ryan elbows me. “How’s Tanner doing? You know we’re here to help, right?”
“I know, thanks.” How are things with my son? “Things are okay. I definitely thought it would be easier, I can tell you that much, but we manage. I couldn’t do it without Em though. Or my mom.”
I shake my head and brush my hand over my face. “Actually, I’d be completely fucked without them. Half the time I don’t know what the hell I’m doing, but I’m trying.”
My friends’ eyes are on me, no form of judgement or disapproval in their expression, and I feel lighter. Even though nothing has changed about my situation, it feels good to be honest about it with the guys.
Ryan is the first to speak up. “You’ve got this. You need help, you call, you hear me?”
I nod, emotion clogging up my throat as the other guys chime in their agreement.
Ryan picks up his fork. “I can’t wait to meet him. Harper already got some presents for him.”
I chuckle. “She’s really getting into this.”
He sends me an amused look before stabbing his pasta. “You have no idea.”
We finish our meal with companionable talk, and my thoughts keep wandering to Em.
I enjoy my evening with the guys, but I do wish I told her to cancel her plans. I surely wouldn’t mind going home and having a repeat of yesterday. To hold her while watching a movie, to fall asleep with her cradled to my chest, and to wake up with her in my arms.
Maybe more.
How could I not wish for that after this morning? To feel her sexy curves was absolute heaven. And even though fondling her boob was a total accident, I definitely don’t regret it. She felt perfect in my hands in every possible way, and I want more of that. I want to feel more of her, preferably without barriers of clothing between us.
The guys are probably aware I spaced out, and when my mom FaceTimes me for Tanner’s bedtime, I use that to excuse myself and make a hasty exit out of the restaurant and into my car.
A smiling Tanner greets me on the screen, my mom’s voice right beside him. He waves at me, a timid “Hi” leaving his mouth before he touches his thumb to his forehead to sign daddy.
“Hey, buddy. Are you having a great time with Grandma?” I sign grandma with my thumb on my chin before pulling it away, trying to sign as many words with him as possible even though he knows most of them by heart.
“You want to tell Daddy that you just took the biggest bubble bath ever?” My mom’s voice is excited, and I’m so grateful to have her in my life. The way she’s accepted Tanner right away like he’s been there all along has made me appreciate her strength even more.
Tanner’s eyes go wide as he nods frantically, forming small circles with his hands and letting them pop in the air. Bubbles.
“A bubble bath? Wow. That sounds like a fun time. And now you’re going to bed?”
He nods again before waving, his chubby finger already on the way toward the screen. The brain of a toddler.
My mom laughs. “I didn’t know anyone could love pushing that red hang-up button as much as he does.”
I snort. “Yeah. I’m lucky I got more than five seconds with him.”
Tanner’s eyebrows draw together as he frowns, still trying to reach the screen.
Oh boy.
“Okay, Mom. Better hang up before he throws a fit. Let me know if anything’s going on.”
My mom shifts the phone so she’s half on the screen too. “Don’t worry about us, I’ve got this. Try and get some good rest tonight though, okay? I know you’ve been tired lately.”
She has no idea how tired.
“Will do. Thanks, Mom.”
“Of course.” She turns the camera back to Tanner. “Say bye to Daddy.”
Tanner waves, once more back to happy now that the phone call is about to end.
“Bye, Tanner. Be good for Grandma, okay? I’ll see you tomorrow. Love you, buddy.”
My mom gets in a quick, “Love you, sweetheart,” before Tanner’s finger pushes the end button.
Leaning my head back, I inhale deeply before starting the car and driving home, feeling lighter than before.
My focus should be completely set on my training, yet I know I want more of Em. I want her in my arms. In my bed.
Nineteen
Emilia
Jace: I’m about to pass out. Did you have a great night?
This man.
My night was incredibly productive, and I finally got some technical difficulties figured out with Brandon that I discovered after our meeting last week.
Whereas I handle the program itself, like coming up with the music lessons and exercises, I’m not tech savvy enough to handle the program. That’s where Brandon has been a lifesaver, ironing it all out to get us exactly where we’re at now. Smooth sailing into completion. Or at least as close to it as possible.
I’m beyond thrilled to finally see the end in sight, but I do regret not being able to spend tonight with Jace.
Especially knowing what day it is today for him.
His mom clued me in when I saw her earlier, explaining how down Jace usually is on the birthday of his late father. Which was also one of the reasons she planned this sleepover with Tanner.
He seemed a bit off this morning when I showed up at his place, but then I haven’t seen more than a quick “Hello” and “Goodbye” of him when he comes home or leaves the house. He’s been training more than usual, making up for the time he lost with Tanner’s accident.
But tomorrow is Sunday, and besides a quick trip to the grocery store, I have nothing else planned. Hopefully, that means I’ll be able to see Jace on his day off.
I climb into bed, my phone tightly in my hand as I get comfortable and ready to text him back. Giddy about the knowledge that I’m on his mind too.
Emilia: Get some good rest. I had a great evening, thank you. Hope you did too.
I wait for a moment, and when nothing comes back, I put my phone on my nightstand, lying down on my pillow.
I’m just about to close my eyes and do my current favorite thing—daydream about Jace—when my phone lights up.
Jace: It would have been a lot better had I seen you tonight.
My face flushes, immediately reacting to his words.
Relief rushes through me, because I feel the same.
We don’t see a ton of each other, but we make every minute count, our connection growing daily, like vines tightly wrapping around a trellis. Searching for that support, needing that strength from the very beginning to be able to flourish and grow to its full potential.
My fingers hover over the keyboard.
There are so many things I want to say, so many things I want to ask but am afraid of. I don’t want to say anything stupid and jeopardize what we have, or rather where it looks like we’re headed.
Praying my autocorrect won’t wrong me too bad tonight, I sort my thoughts. It’s not doing me any good to worry about even more stuff tonight. At least it makes it easier that Jace knows about my dyslexia. The way he accepted it was mind-boggling. It’s sad that I’m still surprised when people don’t laugh about it or react condescendingly, but old habits die hard.
Emilia: I told you I could reschedule my plans and come over.
I know for a fact, Brandon was all jumpy to get back to his new girlfriend too. Not that I’m Jace’s girlfriend. At least, we haven’t talked about it. Maybe I should ask him before this turns into something more.
All I know is that I’m not looking for a hookup. If I was, my roommate would have dates lined up for me every week.
“To get back in the game,” she always told me before I started ref
using to go on any more dates. Because it’s not a game for me. It’s also ironic seeing that she and her boyfriend have been together for over a year now. I want that too.
Regardless, Jace would be the last prospect for a hookup anyway, with him being my boss and all.
Jace: I knew you had plans and your project is important to you.
I told him about my music program last week when he walked in on me filming a segment of it in the guest room. He doesn’t know anything about the audition but he knows how important the program is to me.
Jace: But maybe tomorrow?
Emilia: I have to go grocery shopping in the morning, but after that I’m free.
Jace: Want to come over for lunch? I’ve got dessert covered.
Emilia: What’s for dessert?
Jace: Me.
Emilia: You?
Jace: Yes, me. Who else?
Emilia: You mean what else?
I’m lost. Was that supposed to be a joke?
I certainly wouldn’t mind Jace for dessert.
Jace: No, who. Anyway. I’ll cook us something.
Emilia: You can cook?
Jace: Of course I can cook.
Emilia: Huh. Interesting.
Jace: Why did you think I couldn’t cook?
Emilia: Maybe because you have the whole fridge stocked with chef-made meals?
Jace: I do.
Jace: So you assumed I couldn’t cook?
Emilia: I guess I did.
Jace: Never judge a book by its cover, ladybug. ;)
I chuckle. Only Jace would come up with such an uncorrelated comparison.
Emilia: Touché.
Jace: So, what are you up to?
Emilia: Nothing. I’m in bed.
Jace: Interesting. Me too. What are you wearing?
I burst out laughing, a huge lovesick-teenager perma-grin firmly planted on my face.
Emilia: Go to sleep, Jace.
Fresh Meet Page 14
