I’ve learnt to balance my time between work and social time. More importantly, I have realized that I am not defined by my exam grades, and that people don’t like me or dislike me because of my academic work. I went back to school normally, and it was really helpful that my school didn’t put any pressure on me to perform academically, and not having my challenge grades helped me not to make school work an obsession again. The same arrangement applied for sport: if I was having a hard day it wasn’t compulsory for me to attend sport. I saw my tutor individually every week, and we reviewed the week and how I was managing school life. All of this support at school was really beneficial and helped me feel secure during the days. I managed to catch up on all of the work that I missed, and now I am so relieved that I didn’t take ten GCSEs because it wouldn’t have been possible – it would have been totally unrealistic to attempt it while I was trying to stay focused on recovery after discharge. It didn’t make sense at the time, but I now understand that my health is far more important than exam grades and numbers. In the end I did really well in my GCSEs and I was very happy. However, if they hadn’t come out as I wanted, then although I think I would have been disappointed for a couple of days, and possibly sad for longer, I’m pretty sure that I would have been able to get over it, because I now don’t judge myself on academic results – and I’ve got my health back.
I know that I have got amazing friends and family. They were, and still are, so supportive. My parents were so unswerving in their love for me, and they always believed that I would get better – not that I could get better; that I would get better. So although sometimes I got annoyed with them, the fact that they believed in me was what counted. We grew and blossomed as a family and learnt to be open with each other about how we were feeling. However, shockingly, just over a year after my discharge, in March 2009 my dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer, and he died less than three months later. Yet even out of this tragedy and my everlasting grief I hope that I am able to take one positive thing – I hope that this shows that it is possible to stay healthy and strong throughout the most extreme and hardest of adversities. This harrowing experience has shown me that I don’t need anorexia as a safety net any more. When the horrible news about his illness came, I didn’t immediately return to my eating disorder for security – in fact, it was the last thing on my mind, because I knew that I wanted to spend as much time as possible with my dad, and I certainly didn’t want to spend it wrapped in anorexia. This has now proved to me that I am fully recovered from my eating disorder. My dad was such an important part of my recovery and he helped me in so many ways to get through my illness; I just wish that there was some way in which I could have helped save him from his illness. In a sad and twisted way, at least I can now say that we are both free of our suffering from our illnesses, and I know that he is always with me.
For anyone suffering from anorexia, I want you to know that there is always hope. Even when you feel like you are trapped inside the prison of anorexia, there is always a key to unlock the door and let yourself out. It will take time, and patience, and the urge to get better won’t come overnight. But honestly, it will come one day. Let others hold hope there for you if you don’t feel able to see it.
Putting weight on is possibly the hardest part about recovery, but, just as I had to learn that I am not defined by my academic work, I also had to learn that I am not judged by my weight. Your weight is just a number, and that number isn’t who you are. It is just a number. I used to hate it when people said to me, ‘You look really good,’ or ‘You look a lot better,’ because I just interpreted that as ‘I look fat.’ It helped me to think really hard about what I actually saw and what other people saw, and to realize that people were only trying to be nice when they said those things, and it was my anorexia which was interpreting those comments in a different way. Along with that, I started to feel so much better physically. I didn’t faint, my muscles didn’t ache, I wasn’t tired and I was able to do more things. The things I love. Finally, the professionals won’t, and will never, let you get ‘fat’ – they will make you healthy again. It is such a negative and harmful word that can unbalance people so easily, and yet actually it isn’t important at all because you should feel proud and confident with who you are. If you try to keep all these positive things in mind it really does help. Use the support of others around you, because they are there to help you. You have the strength inside you to carry on. I want you to get to where I am now – and I know that you can. Believe in yourself. You can.
My true identity has finally revealed itself to me. I am now the author and decision-maker of my life; anorexia is not, and it never will be again.
Timeline: key stages on my road to recovery
APPENDIX: USEFUL CONTACTS AND FURTHER READING
Useful Contacts
Beat (the Eating Disorders Association):
www.b-eat.co.uk/Home
Helpline: 08456 341414; [email protected]
Youthline (for under-18s): 08456 347650;
[email protected]; TXT: 07786 201820
ChildLine (24 hours – free and confidential): 0800 1111;
www.childline.org.uk.
Confidential one-to-one online chat with a ChildLine counsellor and private email are available via the website.
Further Reading
Anorexia: A Stranger in the Family by Katie Metcalfe (Accent Press, 2006)
Anorexia and Bulimia in the Family: One Parent’s Practical Guide to Recovery by Gráinne Smith (Wiley Blackwell, 2003)
Anorexia Nervosa: A Survival Guide for Families, Friends and Sufferers by Janet Treasure (Psychology Press, 1997)
Eating Disorders: A Parents’ Guide by Rachel Bryant-Waugh and Bryan Lask (Routledge, 2004)
Overcoming Anorexia Nervosa by Christopher Freeman (Robinson, 2009)
Overcoming Bulimia Nervosa and Binge-Eating by Peter Cooper (Robinson, 2009)
Endnotes
1 BMI stands for Body Mass Index – a measurement used by doctors to calculate whether someone’s weight is healthy for their height.
2 There was a set sequence of eating times in the unit: breakfast, morning snacks, lunch, afternoon snacks, tea, and late snacks. These were usually taken in the dining room, at tables of about six young people with a member of staff at either end.
3 Your core team is the group of staff directly associated with your treatment plan (key workers, therapist, case manager and key teacher).
4 The key worker is one of two members of staff who work directly with you and your treatment plan.
5 The ‘tube’ or ‘NG tube’ is a nasogastric tube that is passed through the nose down into the stomach and is used to help feed someone who isn’t eating or drinking enough by mouth.
6 I had two thirty-minute phone calls home each week.
7 Enlive is a nutritious feeding liquid.
8 Friday Group takes place every Friday and involves the whole community. The young people get an opportunity to talk among themselves, with the staff listening but not saying anything. Then it swaps round, and the young people listen to the staff. Finally everyone comes together and talks.
9 My parents visited me on Saturdays, for most of the day. At first they spent the time with me in the unit; later on I was able to go out with them for the afternoon.
10 Different colours are used to correspond to different calorific amounts. A green snack is the same as a red and a blue snack together.
11 Being ‘up to date’ means having kept up with your daily meal plan.
12 ‘Low ropes’ is an obstacle course near the ground; ‘high ropes’ is the same kind of course, but higher off the ground.
13 The case manager is the person in charge of your treatment plan.
14 The review meeting involves a member of the out-patient team along with the in-patient therapist, case manager, family therapist and hospital schoolteacher.
15 Family therapy involves you and your parents, and sometimes other family members as well, talking with
a therapist about issues to do with family relationships.
16 Being ‘on observation’ means that you have to have a member of staff with you at all times – either right next to you, or near enough for them to be able to see you.
17 A key session is time with your key worker/s to do different activities, talk, share your feelings. They happen at least weekly, or whenever necessary.
18 This was individual therapy, which happened once a week, and was another place for each young person to talk one to one with a professional.
19 School time in hospital was about three hours a day, in which teachers would come in to teach maths, English and art – also dance for some. Different ages are taught together, but each person’s work is supervised by an individual teacher.
20 The key teacher is the hospital’s contact with your school. She supervises how much school work comes through and how you are managing it, and guides you through reintegration into school life.
21 Community Meeting is the weekly meeting when everyone comes together to talk about issues affecting the community as a whole.
22 Morning Meeting is a daily meeting of the community at which everyone has a chance to say personally what was helpful and unhelpful about the previous day.
23 Therapeutic care workers are the staff who take care of you during the day, although they are not directly connected with your care plan.
24 A ‘supervised meal’ is a meal with your family/parents and a member of staff in the dining room. This is then followed at a later stage by an unsupervised meal, which is just your parents and you.
25 Monday Group is a get-together for the young people and staff in the afternoon to have some fun, for example playing group games.
26 Creative Group meets every fortnight and gives you somewhere to be creative and express yourself through art.
27 Feelings Group is a group that meets weekly where you can express your feelings with the other young people.
28 A visit home is the next stage after going out with parents for the afternoon. It had been mentioned in a core team meeting that I might soon be ready for this.
29 My tutor at school helped my key teacher set the right amount of work for me, and would be there to support me when I came back to school.
30 When I started back at school, at first I stayed for the whole day, including lunch, but went back to the hospital after my lessons. Later, I stayed for after-school activities as well.
31 When you are discharged you have a Leaving Group with all the other young people where you can decide what you want to do – some people play games, for example, while others do creative activities. I wanted to do something creative, so I bought a canvas and some paints.
32 This is the system my school uses, in which you are given a grade to work for. This is called the ‘challenge grade’.
33 Beat is the working name of the Eating Disorders Association, which works to raise awareness and understanding about eating disorders and to help people overcome them.
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Mealtimes and Milestones Page 12
