The facts were, his bi nature wasn’t going away. And, to turn away from that part was to reject himself.
As Ram said, it’s the same as trying to ignore the beast side. The result would only tear a shifter apart emotionally and psychologically. Just like they’d all had to do from a young age, each shifter both accepted and embraced their animal half. No big deal. The benefits of the combination proved quite rewarding.
The same would happen for acknowledging his bisexual self. At least that’s what Ram advised.
Tucker had no reason to doubt him.
Just take the bull by the horns already.
He sucked in air and steeled himself. “I liked what we did.”
“You mean changing the numbers on the jerseys?”
Tucker shook his head. “That too, but I was talking about sex. It was… hot. Really great.”
Dixon glanced at him. “But?”
“There’s no ‘but.’ I’m bi. I know that now. Still trying to grasp what all that means. Though, I’m no longer running.”
Dixon gave a quick nod. “I’m glad.”
“I just need time.”
After pulling into a parking space, Dixon cut the engine. He swiveled around to meet Tucker’s gaze, then trailed a finger over Tucker’s cheek. “There’s no rush. None at all. I want you; that’s a given. But only if you want me too.”
The tender caress touched deeper than skin level. He’d never known a simple stroke could be so gentle. Sensual. Wondrous. Tucker swallowed. “I think I do. It’s just….” Words failed him.
“A huge change and one that’s mind-boggling.”
Tucker’s mouth fell open. “How?”
“I get it, Tucker. How do you think I felt when I realized I was gay? Went through all kinds of confusion. Questioning. Wondering.”
Tucker had never thought of it that way. His nervousness eased a little.
“Everyone I knew was straight. It took a while to realize why I was different. Not wrong, just different from others. I analyzed the shit out of things. Trying to figure out the whys and hows. Finally, I looked around, discovered some facts, found out that I was gay, and figured out a way to accept me for what I am. After working through all the crap, I was a hell of a lot happier.”
Tucker soaked in Dixon’s words. “What about your parents? Did they understand?” He could only imagine how difficult it would be growing up gay with absolutely no support system in place. Probably the reason some kids decide to run away rather than stay and suffer at the hand of the people that were supposed to love and protect them.
Dixon smiled softly. “My mother didn’t care in the least, but she’s always been 100 percent behind me in everything.” He paused for a second. “That was one thing my father did right, too. He pulled me aside, told me he’d known for a while that I was gay. Said I was still his son no matter if I wanted women, men, or life-sized stuffed toy sheep.”
Tucker chucked. “Sheep, huh?”
“Those don’t entice me, sorry,” Dixon answered with a hint of humor. “But you do.”
Tucker’s amusement slowly turned serious as he returned to the core of the issue. He had support in his team members. That he knew for a fact. It was the rest of the world, including his mother that concerned him. He shouldn’t care, but he did.
Add in the fact that he still wasn’t confident enough to dabble with men and he second-guessed his every step. “It gets better?”
Dixon grinned. “Oh, yeah. Just give yourself some slack. Things eventually fall into place.”
“Promise?”
“Yep.” Dixon leaned in, cupped Tucker’s cheek, and very lightly brushed his lips over Tucker’s. “That’s a promise.” He dropped his hand. “Now, let’s go eat.”
Feeling better, Tucker smiled in return. “Good idea.”
TUCKER SAT still as Dixon cut the engine of his SUV after parking in front of Tucker’s apartment building. Dinner had been fun, laid-back, and quite enjoyable. He’d gladly do it again, even if he had to foot the bill each time.
“Tonight was fun. Good food. Great company.”
Dixon swiveled in his seat and grinned. “Definitely.”
They stared at one another for a long moment before Tucker broke eye contact. “I guess I should be going.”
“If you have to.”
Dixon’s low tone made Tucker’s stomach flip.
In truth, he didn’t want to the night to end. They had the next day off, and he didn’t have to be up at the crack of dawn. Not to mention, he intended to use the time for more practice. That involved Dixon, if he didn’t mind giving up his day off. He went with his gut.
“You want to come up? The Stars game is probably still on.”
Dixon tilted his head. “Just the game, right?”
Too much, too soon. Tucker swallowed. “Yeah.”
“That’s just fine by me.” He paused a second. “Like I said, there’s no rush. I’m here when and if you’re ready to come to me.”
Reassured, Tucker quickly nodded. “One day at a time.”
“Yep.” Dixon climbed out of the vehicle, opened the hatch, and grabbed a couple of bags. Tucker took the rest. After Dixon secured the car, they walked up to the front door.
Tucker used his key to get in, held the door open for Dixon, then hooked a right. They walked down to the end of the hall together until Tucker stopped, used a different key, and opened the door to his apartment.
“After you.” He gestured inside.
Dixon walked forward. Tucker collected his stuff, then followed, automatically shutting and locking the door behind him.
“Nice place.”
“Thanks.” Tucker glanced around the familiar apartment. It was a temporary home. Easy to care for, especially since he was gone so much during the season. Upscale, the apartment showed off his affluence, filled with brand names and top-of-the-line items. The furniture sported leather while the hardwood floor glistened in a nice contrast of browns. Two bedrooms and ample space for a single guy proved the clincher a while back when he decided to rent the place. Now, it almost appeared cold and empty.
He thought of Dixon’s house and a twinge of rightness echoed through his mind.
I’m losing my freaking mind.
He shoved the forlorn internal comments aside and focused on the present. Unloading his goodies, he placed his bags next to the door, then helped Dixon position his right next to them. “Here’s good. That way I won’t forget them.”
Dixon shook his head. “Even when the chips are down, you’re always thinking of pranks.”
Tucker nodded. “Life is too short to be serious all the time. Besides, it’s fun to yank the other guys’ chains. Makes all the planning and plotting worth it.”
“I guess so.” Dixon turned around and headed toward the couch.
“Want a beer?”
“Sure.”
Tucker went to the fridge, pulled two out, then returned to find Dixon already sitting on the couch with remote in hand. Ballsy making himself right at home. He didn’t mind in the least, though, just smiled and handed the beverage over.
“Thanks.” Dixon twisted the cap off and took a sip while turning on the TV and flipping through channels until he landed on a baseball game. “You’re right. The Stars are still playing.”
The Stars were tough opponents that gave them hell each time they played. All the teams were good in the league. The Stars were just a step above the rest.
Tucker settled down at the end of the couch and stretched his feet out in front of him. He flicked his gaze from the game to Dixon and back again. Rarely did he have company over and never to just sit back and watch television. Too mundane an evening. Besides, most of the people who visited were female and he had much more erotic plans for them.
Comfortable and content, Tucker realized that hanging out with Dixon proved to be more fun than he’d thought. Relaxing, even. No pressure to do much more than stare at the screen. Conversation was optional as was anything and everythi
ng else.
“Pulaski is hot this year.” Dixon gestured toward the game. “He’s throwing well, hitting the corners, and has a hell of a lot of movement on the ball.”
Tucker smiled to himself. Dixon seemed to always be studying, learning, working hard to get any edge he could. Definitely Mr. Serious and all business when it came to baseball. The trick became how to get him to just let go and enjoy.
“He’ll be a challenge to hit.”
“Definitely.” Dixon took another drink. “When we get close to that series, I’ll have to watch a lot of him.”
Tucker found the thought of Dixon sitting at home alone, spending hours watching pitchers, to be pretty sad. Sure, to be a good hitter, a guy had to know a pitcher’s habits and abilities. A basic part of the game. The part about Dixon doing all that by himself was what tugged at Tucker’s heartstrings.
The sacrifices Dixon made for the game and for his teammates began to add up in Tucker’s mind. He couldn’t say he’d do the same. The fact both shamed him and made Dixon shine more in his eyes.
“Selfish.”
“What are you talking about?” Dixon asked.
Tucker grimaced not realizing he spoke the word aloud. “I was just thinking that I’ve been obsessed with getting to the big leagues all my life. Then, once I got here, figuring that I’d earned my way and that was that. That somehow just getting there and becoming a starter should ensure that I had the position as long as I wanted it.” He ran a hand through his hair and turned to meet Dixon’s gaze. “I deserved the demotion. I’ve been slacking, spending more time goofing off than focusing on my game. You, on the other hand, still work your tail off every day to get better and help all the other guys around you at the same time.”
Dixon shrugged. “I don’t know any different. It’s all I’ve ever done.” He blew out a breath. “But, if you want the truth, I look at players like you, guys that still enjoy what they do, and envy them.”
Tucker’s mouth fell open. He slowly closed it back. Though he’d guessed that Dixon lost the fun side of the game a while back, to hear him admit it made it all real. “I’m sorry your father poisoned the sport for you.”
“It could be worse. I could have been without a father or had an abusive one.” Dixon took another drink. “In the scheme of things, a perfectionist and baseball-obsessive guy isn’t the end of the world.”
“Yeah, but life’s too short to be miserable.” Tucker studied Dixon. “I know you’re just going through the motions, just like living on an assembly line. You’re like the guy who puts a nut on a bolt all day long. It’s important and he’s great at it, but that’s all he really does day in and day out.”
Dixon frowned. “I’m the guy that puts a nut on a bolt?” He snorted. “Gee, thanks.”
Tucker held up his hand. “Okay. Bad analogy, but you get my point. You need to find something to either make the game exciting again or to switch gears.”
For a long moment, Tucker didn’t think Dixon would respond. A tendril of fear curled through him, thinking he’d pissed Dixon off, which wasn’t his intention at all.
“I’ve been thinking lately about that.” The whispered words were filled with tentative caution.
“That’s a good start. Did you come up with any ideas?”
“Coaching.” Dixon said the word with confidence as he turned back to the TV screen.
“I can see that. Hell, you’ve helped me a ton just in a few short days. The other guys look up to you and have been taking your observations and advice to heart. It’s improving their outings too.” Since Dixon had been riding the bench with his injury, he’d been holding little instructional sessions with the other players who were interested in picking up a few pointers. The rookies were always there and most of the seasoned players listened in, even if they didn’t crowd around Dixon. “You have a talent and a way with the guys, that’s for sure.” The more Tucker thought about it, the more he knew Dixon and coaching went hand in hand. “Are you going to do it?”
Dixon rubbed his thumb over the label on the beer bottle. “Maybe. But there’re other things to consider.”
“Such as?” Tucker knew Banner would snatch Dixon up in an instant and put him to work. Specialty area coaches were a godsend to any team.
“It’s not important.” Dixon sat forward, placed his drink on the coffee table, and stood up. “Thanks for the beer. I better get home.”
Tucker blinked at the sudden change. “Wait. What’s gotten into you?”
Dixon waved his hand dismissively as he walked toward the door. “Nothing. I just need to get some rest tonight. We’ve got practice tomorrow if you’re still interested.”
“Of course I am. Ten a.m. at the ballpark. I wouldn’t miss it.” Tucker hurried over and beat Dixon to the door. “But that doesn’t explain why you’re trying to hurry out of here like the invasion of the army ants has arrived.”
Dixon’s lips twitched slightly before he sobered once again and clapped Tucker on the shoulder. “Just be ready. I think a couple of the rookies may join us along with some of the assistant coaches. Get in some good ground work with all the extra people.” He nudged Tucker aside and opened the door. “Thanks for putting up with me today and for dinner.”
“Anytime.” Tucker leaned on the doorframe as Dixon walked past, turned, and started down the hallway. Dixon exited the building before Tucker strode back inside, shutting and locking the door behind him, and plopped down on the couch.
“What the hell, Dixon?” For the life of him, he couldn’t understand the abrupt departure, but instinctively knew it had to do with the topic of Dixon becoming a coach. He replayed the conversation through his head.
Other things to consider.
Whatever that meant. Tucker rested his head back on the couch and sighed. “Just when I think we’re starting to feel things out, something else comes along.”
With no idea of how to address this latest bump in the road, Tucker took both bottles, placed them in the sink, then headed to the bathroom for a long, hot shower.
Chapter 12
TUCKER HAD rehearsed what to say to his mother a dozen times since climbing out of bed, all to no avail. None of the phrases really sounded all that good. Still, he needed to get some things off his chest when it came to his relationship with his mother and how he’d treated her through the recent years. He couldn’t wait another day just because he didn’t have the perfect words figured out.
Quit beating around the bush and just do it.
He picked up his phone, found her number in the contacts list, then hit the Send button. She answered on the third ring. “Hello?”
“Hi, Mom.”
“Tucker. What’s wrong?” Worry laced her voice.
“Nothing. Everything’s fine.” He grimaced when he realized she’d always been the one to call him. So when he initiated contact, of course it would alarm her. “I just wanted to talk to you. If you have time.”
“I do.”
He heard her chew and swallow as if she was in the middle of breakfast. “I’ve done some thinking and finally figured out some things. I’ve been acting like a spoiled brat instead of a man. You bent over backward to raise me, and I treated you like crap. I’m sorry.”
Silence answered for a long moment.
“Mom?”
“I’m here. You have nothing to apologize for. I basically tossed you out into the world and told you to make it or not. That’s a pretty rotten thing for a mother to do.” Regret and shame easily carried through.
“No. Mom. Listen. You left your family and the only support system you had to protect me. Worked your ass off to give me what you could. Yeah, times were hard, but you did everything in your power to take care of me. I never went a day without knowing I was loved despite my mixed heritage.” He sat on the couch and leaned forward to rest his elbows on his knees. “I’m so sorry for being resentful. I was so fixated on your leaving after dropping me off at college that I couldn’t recall all the years of sacrifice you
gave to get me there.”
Her breath caught, and then there was the unmistakable sound of crying. His heart plummeted. “Please don’t cry, Mom.”
“Oh, Tucker. You don’t understand. I’m not sad. Your words, they’re a dream come true to me. I always hoped we could still patch things together. Be a team like we used to be. I feared I’d hurt you too badly to ever really be your mother again.”
“I was the blind one. But no more.” He felt his own eyes well up. “You’ll always be my mom. I just had to grow up enough to really see the truth. You gave me life and protected me all those years. No mother could have done better.”
“I just wish it was more.” She sniffled.
“Hey, it turned out okay,” he soothed. “I’m following my dream and you’re back with your family.”
“You’re my family too.”
The statement hit him hard in the heart. “Yeah, I am.” He tried to move the conversation to a more chipper note before he ended up bawling like a baby as well. “I might be quirky and goofy, but you’re stuck with me.”
She laughed. “I wouldn’t trade you for the world.”
“Thanks, Mom.” He sighed happily. “If you’re sitting down, I have more news.”
“Uh-oh. This sounds serious.”
“Don’t worry. It’s nothing bad.” He gathered up his courage. He had no clue what his mother thought of bisexual people or their lifestyle. Yet, he knew he had to put it out there. There was no point of reconciling if she couldn’t accept him for who he was.
“Is this about your baseball career?”
“No, but I’m working hard to earn back my starting position. One of the guys on the team is helping me with extra coaching and practice. Some of the others are joining in as well. We’re all benefiting.”
“That’s great to hear. You’ve got so much talent, you’ll be back starting at second base before you know it.” Her confidence in him boosted his ego.
“Thanks. I intend to do whatever it takes to get there. But, that’s not what I was going to tell you.” He ran his free hand through his hair, hesitating now that the moment had come. “The guy who is giving me private lessons… well… we’re lovers.”
Switch Hitter Page 13
