“But it’s been two hours. Or more.”
“I know. I’m going to call the girls after I check the house one more time, just to make sure she’s not hiding somewhere.” She had gotten as far as the dining room when she heard the front door open.
She hurried to the doorway and gave a sigh of relief when her daughter entered the house.
“Nate! Where in the world have you—?”
Caleb stepped into the entryway behind Nate and closed the door. He put a hand on Nate’s shoulder. “She was with me.”
He’d taken Nate with him, after all? Immediately, she shook her head. No, of course, he wouldn’t have done that.
As if he’d read her thoughts, he said, “She stowed away in the truck.”
Nate nodded emphatically. “Yeah, I hid in the back. He didn’t know I was there.”
As calmly as she could, Tess nodded. She and Nate would discuss her new habit of running away some other time. Right now, she felt so relieved to see her daughter, she could have cried.
But she hated herself for the briefest second of hope she’d felt when Caleb had stepped into the house. He had come back only to return Nate.
She looked at him and said stiffly, “Thank you for bringing her home.”
“He was coming back, too, Mom. He turned the truck around before he found me.”
Tess nodded again. But she couldn’t read anything into that. She knew better than to believe in her dream.
“Nate,” Caleb said, “your mama and I have an errand to run. Why don’t you go find your gram and tell her we’ll be back in an hour or so?”
“Sure.”
She smiled up at him, and he ruffled her hair.
Tess had to blink away tears.
Nate crossed the entryway and almost threw her off balance with an unexpected hug. Then she slipped past her into the dining room and shouted, “Hey, Gram, what’s for breakfast?”
Her voice faded, her footsteps did, too, and still Caleb stood in the doorway. “Can we talk?” he asked. “Away from here?”
Shrugging, she nodded. Talk couldn’t hurt her. Not any more than she hurt already.
Chapter Nineteen
Caleb drove down Signal Street and a good way farther, needing to pull his thoughts together.
Nate had chattered all the back to the Whistlestop, leaving him no time to figure out how to tell Tess what he needed to say. He’d never been much good at talking about things. And he’d never faced any conversation as important as this one.
In the passenger seat, Tess sat with her eyes forward and her fingers twined together in her lap.
When they reached the edge of town, he pulled to the side of the road and cut the ignition. The engine noise died, leaving nothing but silence.
He hoped this conversation wouldn’t end the way their talk had finished the night before, with him vowing to leave town. He didn’t know what to say to prevent that. He didn’t even know where to start, except with some hard truths.
He pushed open the driver’s door. “Come on, I’ve got something I want to show you.”
When they had both exited the truck, he led her across the road, past the collection of ramshackle houses and tar-paper shacks to the place he’d once had to call home.
He’d come here again a week ago. Hard as he’d found it to believe, he’d discovered the trailer he had once lived in still sat way in the back, its rusted hulk twenty years more decrepit, its curtains hanging in shreds.
Now he stopped a few feet away from the trailer.
Tess’s expression told him she wouldn’t need an explanation of why he’d brought her here. Still, he needed to give one.
“This is where I come from,” he said, scuffing his boot against the weed-choked ground. He looked from a broken wooden fence to the rusted trailer and then beyond them to a blue sky that went as far as his eye could see. “I couldn’t wait for the day I’d leave this behind me. And the day I’d leave this town. I guess we pretty much covered that already.”
“Yes,” she said, so softly he could barely hear her.
“I hated Flagman’s Folly and almost everyone in it. I thought folks looked down on me because I was dirt-poor and had no daddy. But mostly because of the kind of mama I had. All I could think of was getting the hell out. And then I started seeing you.” He took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “This next part probably won’t make a lot of sense. Back then, I’d never have brought you here, but after we’d gone together a while, I got resentful that you wouldn’t take me to your house or introduce me to your family. You wouldn’t even let anyone know we were going together.”
“Caleb—”
“It’s all right,” he interrupted, knowing if he didn’t get this out he might never have another chance. Or the nerve. “We covered that, too. I understand why now, but back then I didn’t know. I thought you looked down on me, too. The only thing I could figure to do was prove myself to you. To everyone.”
Tess moved away, and his heart seemed to lurch.
She stopped a few feet from the trailer, where some kids had piled cinder blocks together to make a small house or a fort. She sat down on one of the walls and looked at him, her expression neutral.
Seeing her settle made his heart settle down again, too.
“Once I got away from here,” he continued, “my life changed. For the good. That night you came to Gallup, that night I had my first win, felt like a sign that I’d done the right thing. I’d made a start. But I knew one win wouldn’t get me far. When you showed up, I was fixated on getting that trophy so I could show you what I’d done. Only I went about it like a jackass. We covered that, too.”
He shoved his hands into his back pockets. The next words didn’t want to come, but he had to say them. “Then you told me you were getting married. And I swear to you, Tess, nothing in my life had ever hurt that bad.”
He heard her let out a half sigh but couldn’t look at her. Not yet.
“I felt like I had nothing left. Nothing but the rodeo. I went on to win all those trophies and buckles you talked about. Won a lot of money, too. I had sponsors lining up to sign me, buckle bunnies hanging on my arms. They proved I was someone. Someone important. Not just Mary Cantrell’s bastard son.” He clenched his jaw so hard, he thought he might crack a molar or two.
“I told you—” she began.
“I know you did. Wait, please. Or I may never get to finish.” He continued more slowly. “After that, I didn’t think about Flagman’s Folly very often. But when I got thrown from that bull and wound up in the hospital, and then all during the physical therapy at the rehab, I had a lot of thinking time on my hands. And I thought about what they’d told me—I almost didn’t make it.”
The memory alone made his bad knee twinge. He moved over to the steadiest-looking section of the broken wooden fence and leaned back against it. Then he slid his foot up to plant his boot flat against the post, removing some of the pressure. From his knee, not his confession.
“The doctor’s news brought me up short, I tell you. Made me take a look at what I wanted to do with my life. Or what was left of it. I needed to start over again. But I knew I couldn’t move forward, until I could finally shake off my past. Until I’d come back here and done what I’d sworn I’d do, show everybody I was just as good as they were.” He laughed shortly. “Only, nobody appeared to think I wasn’t just as good. They all seemed to like me fine. Dori and Manny at the Double S. Judge Baylor and your aunt, Ellamae. Sam and Ben.
“That day at Ben’s, when you and Ellamae left, Judge Baylor told me I’d always had a chip on my shoulder. The more I talked to folks and saw how they acted with me, the more I realized the judge was right. But getting to know folks knocked that chip right off.”
Now he could look a
t her again. Even from here, he could see her eyes shining with tears. The sight almost broke him, but he couldn’t go to her until he had earned the right.
“I learned something else, too. It didn’t matter if I was poor or not then. It doesn’t matter that I’m rich now. Folks aren’t measuring my worth by my bank account but by the respect I show them. And the respect I have for myself.”
He hadn’t had the courage to open his heart completely to Tess until now. Watching her, he saw the dark curls he’d never been able to keep from threading his fingers through, the dark eyes he’d always loved to gaze into. Those eyes held so much more now, and so did Tess herself. An inner fire and an inner strength—both equal to the ones he’d have to draw upon now.
He braced himself, knowing he’d have to lay himself bare, tell her things he hadn’t understood himself. Until today.
“Respect for myself was something I didn’t have, till I turned that truck around this morning to come back to town today. Because I knew I wouldn’t leave again without telling you the truth. About everything.” He shook his head. “I’d made my peace with everyone but you. And I figured out why. I need more than just peace from you, Tess, because you mean the most to me.”
Now he had to look her straight in those dark eyes when he said what came next. She sat staring at him, her lips pressed together, her hands flat against the cinder block wall.
“I ran off ten years ago, after convincing myself everyone looked down on me. I ran out on you, and you were the best thing I had in my life.” His hands trembled. He rested them on the fence rail to steady himself. “I ran out on you again today. This time, I didn’t want to leave, I swear. But I thought I had to give up what I wanted—to do the right thing for you and Nate. Now I know that’s not true. I should’ve listened to my instincts. And now I want to come back. If you’ll have me.”
Accepting he still couldn’t go to her, knowing he wasn’t done, he held on to the railing for all he was worth. Which wasn’t much. And never would be, if she wouldn’t take him on again.
Trying to keep herself from going to Caleb, Tess grasped the cinder blocks so tightly the rough concrete dug into her palms.
She’d seen the struggle reflected in his face, in his stance, and the depth of emotion in his eyes. She’d heard all he had said till now. Words she had always longed to hear. But did she really understand them? “You mean…you want your room back again?”
“That’ll do for starters, if it’s the way it has to be.” He gave a half smile that made her heart beat faster. “But to be honest, I’m hoping that option won’t last long at all. Because I want a permanent reservation. A place here with you. Being a husband and daddy. Everything all rolled up into one.”
She opened her mouth, but before she could speak, he shook his head and moved to take a seat on the wall beside her. He studied her, his eyes clear but his expression troubled.
“Please hear me out,” he continued. “I know I can’t expect you to take me up on just my say-so that I’m ready now, when I wasn’t before. Or that I’ve changed.” He shook his head ruefully. “To tell you the truth, just a few weeks ago, I’d never have expected to be saying all this. And there’s more.”
He lifted her hand from the wall between them, rubbed his thumb across her knuckles, the way he’d always done years ago. His hand was callused now. His touch was familiar, yet changed. So were they.
“Once I got back here, at some point, I finally realized I’d come for your forgiveness. But the longer I stayed, the more I realized I hadn’t earned it yet. And then I realized even more. Hard to admit,” he said slowly, “but I don’t think I knew the reason that mattered most until this morning when I found myself leaving you again. I love you.”
His eyes brightened with the light of sincerity and hope…and something else. Her throat closed so tightly, she could barely breathe.
“I can’t change what happened, Tess, and I know we’ve lost so much since then. But I want to make up for it. If I can.”
He squinted, and the skin around his eyes crinkled. Though she couldn’t see the tears in his eyes, she heard that emotion in his voice. “You’re the only woman I’ve ever loved. The only person who gave me love unconditionally. What’s more, you’re real with me.”
He squeezed her fingers gently, as if to prove his point, and she felt her chest tighten, too.
“Those buckle bunnies you keep talking about—all those women hanging on me for all those years. They didn’t want me. They worshipped my fame and fortune, that’s it. I don’t want that. I want your reality. I want you. Now. And forever.”
He released her hand and sat back, waiting.
Still, she couldn’t catch her breath. Rising, she moved to lean against the fence where he’d stood previously, needing the distance from him. The perspective. Needing the railing to keep her from falling.
Not falling for Caleb’s words. She didn’t have any doubt of the truth of them.
Not falling down in a heap on the dusty ground. She felt stronger than she ever had in her life.
But to keep from falling into his arms.
Bowing her head, she held on to the railing, one hand on either side of her as Caleb had done.
She knew he’d said what he had to and was waiting for her to begin. So she did.
“When you left us this morning, I knew I’d be strong enough to survive it. I’ve grown that much since you left the first time.” She gave a half laugh that sounded more like a sob. “Back then, I wasn’t so sure I’d make it. When you left me, I hated you. I never wanted to see you again.”
He shifted, yet made no move to come to her. She felt grateful for that.
“Then I discovered I was pregnant. When Granddad found out, eventually, he tried to force me into a marriage. I told the boy I couldn’t marry him. And I’ve told him that every time he’s asked me since.”
“Harley.” He spoke softly and shook his head in wonder.
She nodded.
“Good old Joe,” he said with a crooked smile. “I owe that man.”
She would have smiled back, if she hadn’t had to brace herself for what came next. “Once Granddad put his foot down, I had nowhere else to go. Except to you.” Her voice shook so badly, she needed to wait a moment before she could continue. “When you were there in that arena, with your buckle bunnies and your trophy and the announcer calling your name, something inside me snapped.”
“Tess—”
Though she heard the pain in his voice, she shook her head. “No, Caleb. Not till you’ve heard me out. I let my pride get the best of me then. You didn’t give me a chance to tell you about the baby. But I didn’t take a stand and tell you, anyway. Instead, I came home and stood up to my grandfather, who only wanted me to get married to give the baby a name.” She swallowed hard and looked at him, knowing he would see the tears in her eyes. Hoping he could see her sincerity now, too.
“That’s why I told you—and how I can feel so sure it’s true—that not knowing your own daddy’s name doesn’t matter. Nate never knew hers. That doesn’t make her any less a person. Or make me love her less. I wasn’t going to get married just to keep Granddad happy. Or to give our baby a name that wasn’t yours.”
A tear spilled down her cheek, but she couldn’t reach up to brush it away. Her hands were still clamped on the fence rail. Now it had become the only thing holding her up.
This time, when Caleb shifted, it was to rise and cross the space between them. She felt grateful for that, too.
He thumbed away the tear that had trickled down to the corner of her mouth. His hand lingered there, brushing her jaw, tilting her chin up.
“I’m sorry,” she said. “I was wrong not to tell you about the baby.”
“I was wrong in a lot of ways, too. I love you, Tess. I just hope you can l
ove me again.”
“That’s something else I’ve learned since you’ve come home.” She smiled tentatively, trying to hold back her tears. “Even when I thought I hated you, I never stopped loving you.”
He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her close, nestled her head beneath his chin. She could feel the pulse in his neck pounding and his heart thundering against hers.
They stood that way for a long time, and their heartbeats gradually returned to a steady pace. She knew she’d never been happier.
But then Caleb kissed her and said the one thing that could make her happier still. The one thing she’d hoped all these years to hear.
“Let’s get married, Tess.”
ONCE CALEB HAD turned away to leave the rusted shell of the trailer behind, he knew he would never go back there again. He’d never want the reminder of a life no kid should live. Never need to see the place that had made him believe he deserved less than anyone else.
When he and Tess reached the Whistlestop Inn and crossed the yard to the back porch, he had to pause for a moment to hold her close again. To take in all that he did deserve.
Self-respect. A home and family. Tess.
He heard the back door open.
They both turned to look.
Nate stood on the porch with her hand still on the door latch, as if unsure whether or not she should stay. “I wasn’t listening,” she assured them.
“We weren’t saying anything,” he returned.
“Yeah, I noticed. You look funny, Mom.”
“I feel funny. The happy kind.” Smiling, Tess squeezed his hand. “Your daddy just asked me to marry him.”
Nate’s eyes widened. “Really? Wow! I gotta tell Gram and Aunt El!” She bounded through the door, then stopped and turned back. “I’m coming to the wedding,” she added, “but don’t expect me to wear a dress.”
The door slammed against the frame. They could hear her shrieking as she ran through the kitchen.
The Rodeo Man's Daughter (Harlequin American Romance) Page 19
