Chapter 12
Victoria
Chris and I fell into such a deep and well overdue sleep that we were both still under the covers together, clearly naked, our clothes discarded in carefree piles around us, when Melanie barged into the room the next morning. I was lying asleep on my back, Chris on his front, one arm draped casually over me. Anyone who saw us in that position would be under no illusion of what had happened the night before. Chris woke sharply at the sound of his sister’s untimely arrival, raising his head, registering her obvious shock and her steely expression. Clearly confused and seemingly also annoyed, she backed out of the room before either of them said anything to each other.
“Well that’s our cover blown,” he says softly, leaning his head on my brow, as I begin to stir.
“What’s that?” I’m still not fully awake, suspended somewhere between slumber and consciousness. I open my eyes, smile and stretch languidly, still drunk on the glorious memories of last night.
“Mellie has just walked in and seen us on the floor together. She’s not daft, she’s worked it out and based on the look on her face, she doesn’t look too pleased either.”
“Oh God, Chris. What have we done?” I sit up sharply covering my naked chest with the duvet, tucking it under my armpits like a Roman toga. “She’s going to hate me. I may just have lost one of my best friends. A very dear friend who I also happen to live and work with. This is bad, Chris, very bad.” I’m rubbing the sides of my face with my hands now, the realisation of the consequences of what the pair of us have done hitting me hard. “And I still need to deal with Jeremy. Shit. What time is it?” I say urgently.
“Ten past nine. Why?”
“Bollocks, he’ll been leaving in a few minutes to drive over here. That’s if he hasn’t left already. Pass me the phone.” I know I have to stall him. After last night, there’s no way I can let him come over now and hang out with us all, pretending to play happy families. The thought of him coming anywhere near me now, even in public, makes my skin crawl. I have absolutely no idea what to say, or how to do this, but I know I have to do it right now, this instant or else he’ll be on the doorstep and I simply can’t bear to see him.
Chris having now pulled on his boxers and yesterday’s t-shirt, passes me the handset from its cradle, kisses me on the top of my head. “I’ll give you some space… you’ll be right.”
He heads out of the room - I assume to placate his sister and test the water with the rest of his family. I notice how he’s shortened the word ‘alright’ to just right which I presume is a Kiwi thing. I’ve heard him say it to me more than once since we’ve known each other. “She’ll be right, he’ll be right, it’ll be right.” I find it, along with all of his other Kiwi colloquialisms, endearing.
I look down and frantically punch in Jeremy’s number before waiting for the line to connect. My stomach lurches as I hear him answer. He’s been nothing but pleasant, nice and courteous since we met and as far as he’s concerned we’re on the same page. So whatever I say next, I know it will come out of the blue for him.
“Hi Jeremy, it’s Victoria.”
“Oh hi, Victoria, darling. I wasn’t expecting that to be you. I’m literally walking out of the door. I’ll be there in about half an hour or so, assuming the traffic is not too bad. Do you need me to pick anything up on the way over?”
I close my eyes, hoping that by doing so it will make this easier. It doesn’t.
“No, that’s not why I’m calling. Here’s the thing Jeremy… and I know what I’m about to say will probably come as a complete shock for you, but this just isn’t working for me. I’m sorry but I don’t feel the same as you and I don’t think this is something I want anymore. I’m really, really sorry, Jeremy. It’s not you, it’s me.” I visibly wince. The cheesiest, worst break-up line ever, and I’ve just used it. An uncomfortable silence falls between us. After what seems like an eternity I ask into the handset, “Jeremy, are you still there? Say something please. I feel awful and I really am very very sorry.”
“I’m still here, Victoria, I’m just having difficulty digesting what I think I’m hearing. Stay there. I’m coming over now. Obviously, we need to talk.”
“No! No, don’t come over.” I sound desperate, my voice elevated. I’m wondering if he would be so keen to dash over here if he could see me now, still stark naked from last night’s antics. “I definitely don’t want you to come over today and there’s nothing to talk about. I really am sorry, but it won’t change anything. My mind is made up.”
Silence again. “What’s happened, Victoria? Are you alright? You’re not making any sense. Something must have happened. Why are you saying these things? Something’s not right.”
“Nothing’s happened, Jeremy.” I say, clearly lying through my back teeth. “I’ve just realised that I don’t feel the same way about you as you do for me and actually I’ve been feeling like this for quite some time now, but I didn’t know how to tell you. I just woke up this morning and realised I had to tell you now, to stop this going any further as it’s not fair on you. Not fair to keep pretending.” At least the last part was true.
“Well it didn’t feel like you were pretending all those times we’ve been together. All the fun we’ve had. All those times you’ve told me you loved me. What are you saying, Victoria? Were you lying then, or are you lying now?”
I don’t know how to respond to this. I don’t want to get into an argument about a minor technicality, the fact that I never actually told him that I loved him, but clearly all those times I said “me too” he’s obviously misconstrued to mean something deeper. I know that’s not his fault, it’s mine. I’ve completely led him on.
I reply feebly, “I don’t know, Jeremy, I just know that I don’t want to keep faking it. I can’t make myself feel something if it’s not there. And please believe me when I tell you that I am really sorry if you feel I’ve led you on. I have enjoyed your company immensely Jeremy. You really are a lovely guy, and you’ve treated me so well. We have had some great fun and I’ve made some lovely memories that I will cherish forever, but I just don’t see this working for me anymore and it’s not fair for me to keep stringing you along.”
“Please let me come and talk to you. Tell me what I can do to make it right.” He’s sounding desperate now. “You can’t expect me to take in what you’re saying just over the phone. You sound like you’re calling the pizza shop to cancel an order. I thought we had something special. Meeting you and being with you these past few months have been some of the best of my life. Please don’t go throwing all of that away on a snap decision. You owe me the opportunity to make things right. If you’re not happy, tell me what I need to do to make you happy. I don’t want to lose you, Victoria.”
I take a big breath in. “I understand, Jeremy. I really do, but I really am sorry. I’m calling you now not because I just don’t want you to come over today, but because I don’t want you to come over ever. My mind is made up. I’m following my heart and I don’t want to talk about it anymore.”
My voice is beginning to crack. I need to finish this quickly before I lose my strength. I know this is something I have to do but I hate myself for putting him in this position. “I’m going to go now. I really am sorry. I know you will make someone else very happy someday, you really are a lovely man and I am pleased we met and I have enjoyed meeting you and your family but my heart wants something I know you can’t give me and I’m calling it a day before we let things get any more serious.”
“Goodbye, Jeremy,” I say, attempting to sound strong and unwavering. I need him to understand that this is not a decision I’m going to go back on. I know I’m not going to change my mind. He has to know there is no hope.
“Well if you’re sure… it sounds like there isn’t anything more I can say or do to change your mind.”
“No, no there isn’t.”
“Well in that case, I suppose this is it then. I can’t quite believe I’m about to say this… but goodbye
, Victoria. I really did love you, you know.” His voice cracks as he says his final goodbye before cutting the line. I noticed that he’s already referring to his love for me in the past tense and I feel wretched.
Who does that to someone else? I’m a horrible human being. I thought by breaking it off with Jeremy, knowing it was the right thing to do, it would make me feel better. It would allow me to justify what’s already happened with Chris these past two days, but the fact is I shouldn’t have let things get this far, with either of them. I should have been honest with Jeremy long before muddying the waters with Chris. To have ended things with Jeremy the way I have is despicable and to have done it over the phone and out of the blue. He’s been so charming and nice and harmless really, that until now, there never seemed the urgency to address the situation. But now, due to the physical connection I’ve already shared with Chris, I’ve done exactly what I vowed I wouldn’t. I’ve blindsided him.
It’s not as if we’ve had lots of rows or disagreements and were building up to a break-up. Other than snapping at him yesterday at the cinema, I’ve given him no indication that I was anything but happy. I suppose that’s because I wasn’t that unhappy either, I think I was just numb. Not just with him, but with Steve as well. I’ve been a sleepwalking girlfriend, completely numb to my own emotions, I suspect to protect myself, but in doing so, I’ve also become numb to other people’s emotions too.
In this entire episode I’d forgotten one vital component. This whole time I’d been with Jeremy, I’d only been thinking about myself, and not what he needed, or what the impact of my inaction was making him feel. I’d thought by simply allowing him into my life (and my body), even if I was a passive passenger, that that would have been sufficient. Only now as I’ve had to confront the situation, has it occurred to me what a cruel thing it is I’ve done.
Could it be that, even though I don’t ever want to think again about those dark moments from deep in my past, when men have taken advantage of me for their own physical gratification and at a time when I was either too young or unable to defend myself or to understand the confusion of emotions and sensations, was it then that I locked my heart away, never to be touched again? I know I desperately want to find that special someone, but each time I think I have, my body and my emotions remain detached. As if by doing so, I’m protecting myself in some way. I realise I can’t maintain the disconnect between my emotions and my physical body and expect to have a full relationship.
I’m on the verge of yet another relationship, with another man who is pursuing me, passionately and purposefully, but I know that if Chris and I are going to have any chance of being more than a quick fling I’m going to have to give myself fully. Only if I’m prepared to risk everything, to risk him hurting me, do I believe he can remove the leaden veil that surrounds my heart.
I’ve never felt so scared and so unsure in all my life but there is something different about Chris. There’s no doubting our physical connection. He’s all bravado and masculinity on the outside, which I find immensely attractive, but I think I’ve had a very small glimpse into what I believe is a tender heart. You don’t come through life with a facial abnormality without knowing pain on some level. He is the first person who I think has the potential to help me find myself. Is Chris the one that will finally sweep me away? Is he the one to heal me?
Last night when Chris and I were making love and he entered me, it was the first time I’ve been intimate with a man and actually wanted to give myself to him. Somehow, he lit a spark. A lightbulb went on inside me and I’ve never been so turned on in my entire life. Being with him feels authentic and different. So perhaps this could be the beginning of something deeper. I really hope so. However, that still doesn’t excuse what I’ve just done to Jeremy. I owed him a face to face conversation at least, but I just couldn’t do it. I chickened out.
“You OK?” Chris has returned and kneels down next to me, passing me a cup of tea. I turn towards him and wrap my arms around him, burying my head in his shoulder as I burst into tears.
He attempts to soothe me as you would a baby by gently rubbing my back, as he slowly rocks me in his arms. “Shh, shh, it’ll be right. I promise.”
“But how will it?” I ask through my sobs. Unbeknown to him, I’m not referring to the phone call with Jeremy just now, or the fear of losing my friendship with Mel or the other members of his family but the much deeper realisation of how broken I am and my real fear that he will end up being just another mistake. Just another man who will hurt me. Another broken relationship I’ll look back on in a few months or even years and realise that once again I will have allowed myself to be carried along as a passenger in my own love life. Desperately trying to find the path to the ultimate happy ending but without any map or compass on how to get there.
He attempts to reassure me, “I’ve just spoken to Mellie and Michelle in the kitchen and placated them. In fact, everyone here now knows, including Mum, and I’ve explained that this is not a one-time thing and that we’re really into each other and everyone’s really cool about it. In fact, not surprisingly, Mich seems very pleased. She shared with the others that she saw sparks flying at the barbecue that first weekend and is more than happy that we’re finally together. For the record, it turns out no one really liked Jeremy. They all thought he was a bit of a wet dishcloth too,” he sniggers. “I’m not sure Mum really understands what we were all talking about. All she could say was, ‘Vicky is such a lovely girl, isn’t she’ which of course you are,” he says peeling me away from his shoulder and kissing me, his lips brushing mine ever so lightly. I allow him to believe his explanation is the reason for my tears.
“So, come on… time to get up and at ‘em. You need to hit the shower, get some brekkie down ya and then we’ve got a picnic to get to. The sun is out, it’s going to be a gorgeous day, so let’s just relax and enjoy the time we have together today. I’ll come back up to Wootton Bassett with you and Mellie tonight, and then tomorrow, or even the day after that…we can work out what the fuck all this means and what the hell we’re going to do. So, come on. Dry your eyes and take your sexy arse off to the shower. You’ll feel better, I promise.”
“You’re making a lot of promises to me already, Chris. I hope you can follow through with them all.” He has absolutely no idea how vulnerable I feel.
“Absolutely,” he says with certainty, “and I also promise that if you show me your beautiful smile, I may just buy you an ice-cream later.”
Finally, I break into a smile and take the cup of tea from him. He’s made me feel better. We drink our tea together and then I take my ‘sexy arse’ off to get showered, as he gives me a gentle slap on the bum in encouragement.
***
It’s a boiling hot day in the capital. The temperature is forecast to top 30 degrees so our plan is to pack up a picnic, throw on our swimming togs (as the Kiwis refer to swimsuits) and spend the day hanging out at the open-air pool at Tooting Bec Lido. With no air-conditioning in Michelle’s flat, as the temperature begins to rise, the stifling and sticky air makes it impossible to stay indoors, so we pack our gear quickly and head out for the day.
On the walk to the tube I catch up to Mel, falling in step beside her.
“Hey,” I say lightly, not wanting to launch into some big monologue or deep heart to heart. I just want to check-in and test the water. “Are we cool?” She’s not been overtly hostile towards me or Chris this morning, just detached.
“Hey,” she replies, giving nothing away. “Did you have a good time last night?” I detect a hint of sarcasm in her voice.
“Yeah, the party was great fun, wasn’t it?”
“Humm, that wasn’t the part of the evening I was referring to,” she says dryly.
“Yes, I kinda guessed that.”
I really need her to be cool with the whole situation. I can’t imagine what it’s going to be like at work tomorrow. When our manager, Mark, is not there, there’s only the two of us in the small satellite office a
nd I can’t imagine how we could continue to live and work together if she hates me.
“Look Mel, I don’t really know what to say. I didn’t plan this. It just sort of happened.”
“Well that’s awfully convenient, isn’t it?” She still sounds spiky. “Look, I’m not mad at you, Vicky,” her tone softening slightly. “If anything, I’m disappointed with you both. I just think that this is all horribly complicated. Until a few hours ago, you had another boyfriend. Chris is only here for a few more weeks, someone is going to get hurt and muggins here is going to be the one left picking up the pieces.”
Now I understand. She’s worried about what will happen if things don’t work out. Deep down I share her same fears but I’m trying very hard not to think past today, never mind what will happen in a few weeks’ time when Chris is scheduled to leave.
“Everything you’ve said is true, and I don’t have any defence, Mel other than the fact that the very short time I’ve spent with your brother feels very different to anyone else I’ve ever dated, so I suppose you’re just going to have to trust us to work out all the other complications.”
“I’m just looking out for you. I hope he isn’t playing you. He can be such a flirt.”
Belonging: Two hearts, two continents, one all-consuming passion. (Victoria in Love Book 1) Page 17
