Fuck.
Kip’s eyes finally find mine and I realize he’s breathing just as hard as I am, his chest moving and ebbing under his vest. I try to steady my heartrate but it’s useless. If a heart doesn’t show on river, I’m screwed. I’m done. And as much as I don’t want to lose at all, I definitely don’t want to lose to Brendan. I don’t want third place. No one remembers third. If I’m going to go down, I want to lose to only one other person – the best. Brendan is amazing, but he’s not the best. And I don’t want to lose by his hand.
My heart is in my throat as the dealer burns a card and then slowly flips the river. I close my eyes for just a second, listening to the crowd’s mixture of gasps, claps, and groans. I don’t know if it’s safe to look, but I peek anyway.
Nine of hearts.
Thrusting my fist into the air, I join the crowd in celebrating for just a moment. Brendan moves to shake my hand and then just like that, he’s out. The adrenaline is still rushing through me when I take my seat again, the smile on my face absolutely ridiculous as I realize I just practically doubled my stack. But when my eyes find the matching pair of icy blues at the other end of the table, I swallow, my throat suddenly too dry for comfort.
It’s just me and Kip now.
There’s always a short break when it gets down to the final two. They make a show of it, having scantily clad women bring out briefcases stacked with cash and a glass case displaying the ridiculously expensive ring that goes to the champion. Do they ever have any half-naked men for the ladies of the poker world? Of course not. Damn them.
By the time the little show is over, Kip and I are both visibly anxious but trying to play it cool. By the way he’s looking at me, I can’t tell if he’s excited to be here or if this is his worst nightmare. Maybe he didn’t think it would be us two sitting here, maybe he thought he’d be out by now or hell maybe he thought I would be out by now. Truthfully, this isn’t what I expected, either. But here we are. And before I have the chance to truly register it, the first cards are dealt and it’s game time. I reach for my sunglasses but pause, letting my hand hover over the plastic for a moment before pulling back, grabbing my cards and flipping up the small corners just enough to see their value instead. Kip eyes me curiously, but I shrug.
I don’t want to hide my eyes, anymore.
The truth of the matter is that we’re here. This is happening. And as much as I want to be pissed and hurt, I’m stoked. I’m proud of Kip and I’m beyond excited that I’m here. One of us is going to leave here the champion of this tournament and the winner of close to a million dollars. This is something to celebrate. I smile at Kip before placing my first bet. “Sixty-thousand.” I move the chips forward and then lean back in my chair again, crossing my arms. “And a shot of tequila.”
Everyone in the viewing area laughs and I’m sure the announcers are having a hay day with my comment. They probably think I’m being a smart ass, or maybe they don’t understand it at all, but I don’t care because Kip smiles – a true, radiant, full-teeth smile.
“I kind of like tequila now.”
“Is that so?” I quirk my brow.
He shrugs, his smile growing even wider. “Acquired taste, I guess.”
I blush a little and he winks, and suddenly the table doesn’t feel so scary. He’s smiling, and that’s enough for me. We both visibly relax.
And then we play.
My tequila comment must have loosened Kip up, because by our thirtieth hand between each other, we’re cracking jokes back and forth, causing fits of laughter in the viewing area and even getting a smile from our dealer from time to time. We’re pretty much even chip-wise and we’re having way too much fun to be battling for almost a million dollars, but I love every minute of it.
But when we get up around forty hands and we both start pushing harder, we fall quiet, and I watch as Kip’s expression turns solemn. I know he’s thinking about his father, he’s digging to find the last push he needs to win this. I should be looking for the same, but for some reason, I already feel like I’ve won. I feel a sort of peacefulness fall over me as the dealer deals our cards. When he lays out the flop, my breath catches in my throat.
A pair of fours is on the table.
One club, and one spade.
Two black number fours.
My eyes flit to Kip’s just as his find mine. Maybe we should laugh at the irony, or at least smile at the coincidence, but we both just stare. And somewhere in those ocean blue eyes of his, I find what I’ve been searching for.
There are three things you should know about me.
One, I can read any bluff like a neon sign. Two, I have one of the best poker faces in the game. And three, I know when to fold.
But I couldn’t read Kip’s bluffs. He played his game on me and I fell for his every trick, thinking I had a handle on him when I didn’t even come close to touching him at all. And my poker face is gone, destroyed by the notion that maybe it’s okay to be myself and not hide behind it all the time. And maybe it’s those two truths that made me hold so strongly to my third rule – folding. I gave up on Kip, on us, on everything. For once, I walked away from a hand I maybe could have won if I would have stuck around. Kip Jackson has completely turned me on my ass, and now I’m not exactly sure who I am.
But I think I’m on my way to finding out.
When my hands move to my chips and I start slowly pushing them forward, Kip’s eyes flick down before catching mine again, realization settling in. He shakes his head slightly, but it only makes me move the chips forward faster. With a shaky breath, I say the words I’ve known all along.
“All in.”
And I know just as well as Kip does how this will end. Black fours are my death sentence in poker. Call it superstition, but I know it to be true. I won’t win this hand, and I know that, and Kip does, too. His eye are wide with panic and I know he doesn’t understand, but maybe one day I can explain it to him.
I know what this means to him, to his father. Second place will be more than enough to pay off school and set my family up for a while. And truth be told, even if it wasn’t, I would still be making this same move.
Sometimes we have to step back and ask ourselves what matters most. It’s so easy to get caught up in the titles, the money, the dreams and goals that we’re not even sure are our own anymore. But I know without a doubt that what matters most to me right now in this moment is Kip. And what matters most to him is his father. So we’re going to win this thing. Together. For Kip’s dad.
When Kip calls, he still has a small stack of chips, but I’m completely in. If I lose this hand, I’m out and Kip will win. We both stand and even though my eyes are fixed on the cards, I feel Kip’s burning the skin of my neck. One by one, the dealer slowly reveals the turn and the river, neither of which help my case. I had a pair of Kings when I went all in, but with three fours on the table and one in Kip’s hand, he beats me with a four of a kind. Four fours. And even though I knew what I was doing, I can’t help but feel a surge of pain in my chest when I realize I’ve lost.
The room explodes in cheers and I can just hear the announcers going on and on about how a fish won the tournament. I know that back at Palm South, the entire school is probably staring at their screens and wondering what the hell happened.
Game over.
A swarm of reporters crowd us as the half-naked women stand behind Kip with the cash and the dealer slips the ring on his finger. His eyes find mine across the crowd and I smile, shrugging a little, but before he can make his way over, I shake hands with the man handing me information on claiming my prize and then I leave. I turn toward the elevators and I just go. I don’t turn back, I don’t wait to hear him speak to the media or to shake his hand and take pictures. I just slip away, silently, letting the mixture of emotions wreck my soul as they flow through me.
When I get back to my room, I flip on the television and find the tournament. I don’t even realize I’m crying until Kip’s face floods the screen, a clamor of microphones in h
is face as they ask him how he feels.
“I’m not really sure how I feel just yet,” he says, laughing. It’s a charming laugh that I’m sure is melting panties across the country right now. “I just…” He pauses, biting down on his bottom lip and looking up for a second to compose himself. “I just want to dedicate this to my father, Oliver Jackson Sr. Thank you for sacrificing your dream so that I could have mine. I didn’t win this tournament today. You did. I love you.”
The announcers go on and on about Kip’s dad and his condition and I wonder how they found out. Did Kip reveal it in one of his pre-tournament interviews? Had they been talking about it while we were at the final table? Regardless, this will make for one of the best headlines in the tournament’s history.
FISH TAKES HOME GRAND PRIZE, HONORS FATHER WITH WIN.
I smile, wiping at my eyes and inhaling a deep, shaky breath. It’s all over now, and even though I feel slightly deflated, I mostly just feel lucky. Lucky to have won the money to even enter the tournament, lucky to have made it as far as I did, lucky to have the prize money to pay off the rest of school, and most of all, lucky to have known Kip.
Even if I never see him again, if I never feel him again, I was loved and touched by him in a way that I’ll never forget. His eyes, his hands, his lips will linger on me long after tonight. And for me, that’s enough.
I click off the TV and make my way to the bathroom, turning on the bath faucet and drawing it as hot as I can stand. I remove my hoodie, laughing when I see my drenched tank top underneath. I peel it off and throw it to the floor, sliding my jeans down to join it. I’m just about to step into the water when I hear my phone ping in the other room. Sighing, I sink down into the tub and let the steaming water warm my cool skin still slick from sweat.
The calls are already starting, and I’m just not ready to face them yet. Will people be proud of me? Disappointed? Confused? Let down? I sink lower into the tub and shake my head. Who cares? If I’ve learned anything about myself this semester, it’s that I care entirely too much what other people think. I know why I did what I did, and that’s all that matters.
I soak in the tub for what feels like at least an hour before finally climbing out and wrapping myself in a soft robe. Brushing my hair, I walk back into the main room and grab my phone, curiosity getting the best of me. There’s a missed call from my parents’ house, three missed texts from Jess, and about a dozen social media notifications. But I don’t really look at them, not closely, because my attention is focused on the one other text in my inbox.
From Kip.
- Meet me at the Bellagio. 11:30. -
I thought I was nervous before the tournament, but that’s nothing compared to the way I feel right now. My palms are slick with sweat, my heart is racing and sometimes it just stops altogether, and my bottom lip is swollen from the pressure of my teeth. Standing beside the large fountain in front of the Bellagio on what should be the best night of my life, this isn’t the way I should feel. But I can’t help it.
I am fucking nervous.
There are moments in our lives, little tiny specks of time, when everything changes. Moments when everything we thought mattered turn out to be the last things we care about, replaced entirely by something, or someone, we never saw coming.
The last thing Skyler owes me is to show up here tonight, but I’m praying she will anyway. After the tournament ended, everything happened so fast. There were cameras in my face and questions being screamed at me. I went from having just shy of a thousand dollars in my bank account to getting directions on how to claim my prize money of almost a million dollars. Everything changed.
Everything except my feelings for Skyler.
I know she let me win. My father, on the other hand, doesn’t. He couldn’t be more proud of me, and watching a tear slide down his worn face when I spoke to him on video chat less than an hour ago almost killed me. If Skyler doesn’t show up tonight, she’ll finish the job. Though the pressure of winning the tournament is lifted, I feel weighed down even more by the crushing reality that I may have lost the most important person in my life in the process.
Checking my watch, I cringe when I see it’s eleven minutes past the time I asked her to meet me. Even though she’s probably not coming, I can’t find it in my heart to leave just yet. I lean against the concrete railing that circles the fountain and keep scanning the growing crowd of people. The last fountain show is at midnight, and with each passing minute, the space around me grows smaller and smaller.
It’s a perfect night – warm, with a cool breeze sweeping in every now and then. The sky is clear, the Vegas lights bright, and the buzz of excitement that always lives on the strip is at full force. I always envisioned walking through Vegas with Skyler, being tourists together. I thought we would ride in the Gondolas at the Venetian, zip line down Fremont street, win or lose a shit ton of money by betting our lucky number on every Roulette table we passed. That’s how it would have been if I would have called things off with my father, but when I found out he was sick, every plan I had changed.
And now I’m here with my heart in my hand hoping like hell the girl I sacrificed to make my dad’s dream come true will give me a chance to tell her why I still deserve her.
When I know that I don’t.
What do I actually expect?
If Skyler does show up, I’ll be lucky if she lets me get a word in edgewise. I hurt her, I know that, but I also know that I love her. And for whatever reason, she let me win tonight. I’m not sure what that says. Does that mean she just wants to be done with me? Does it mean she feels sorry for me? Does it mean her priorities changed? Fuck! I don’t know. And the hardest thing to realize is I might not get my answers.
I catch a glimpse of long, flowing brown hair and icy blue eyes through a break in the crowd and my breath hitches. Standing up straighter, I wipe my palms on my dark jeans and swallow as Skyler makes her way closer, her eyes never leaving mine. When she’s standing just a few feet in front of me, her hair blowing gently in the cool breeze rolling in from the desert, I have no idea what to do. I asked her to come, I prayed that she would, but now that she’s here, my words are stuck in my throat.
“Hi,” she almost whispers.
“Hi.”
She tucks the blowing strands behind her ear and chews the inside of her lip. It’s then that I realize she’s nervous, too. “Congratulations,” she offers, smiling a little.
“Thanks.” I return the smile, but it feels forced and fake.
For a long moment, we just stand there, words hanging between us but neither of us making the move to reach out and grab them. Shifting, I tuck my hands in my pockets and stand up straighter. “Skyler, why did you do it?”
“Do what?”
I level my face. “Don’t make me say it. You know what.”
She shrugs. “Maybe I was trying to have more faith in our lucky number.”
“You knew before he even dealt those fours in the flop that I had a pocket pair. Don’t act like you didn’t. Why did you let me win?”
She sighs, crossing her arms across her small frame. “Because, Kip. I knew you wanted this for your dad and frankly you deserved it.”
“And you didn’t?”
“I didn’t say that.” She huffs. She’s angry and I’m trying to be serious, but she’s so fucking adorable when she’s mad. All I want to do is say fuck it and cover that frowning mouth with my own.
“My reasons for wanting to win were no better than yours. Skyler, this was important to you and your family.”
“Well maybe it wasn’t as important to me as you!” She yells, the words shooting from her beautiful mouth like knives. A few bystanders turn to glance at us but quickly pull their eyes away again. Skyler shifts uncomfortably, her fingers still playing with her hair.
“Are you saying you’re not important to me?”
“No, I’m saying you didn’t have a choice. I did. The runner-up prize is plenty for me to pay off school and set my family up
, Kip. And even if it wasn’t, it wouldn’t matter. You did this for your dad, for his dying wish. If it were me in your shoes, I know you would have done the same.”
And just like that, every ounce of control over my body is gone. I feel my muscles tense and I’m shaking slightly, though I don’t think she can see it. No one else in this world would have done what she did tonight, and she just admitted that she didn’t do it because she couldn’t stand to be there with me, or because she felt sorry for me – she did it because I care about my dad, and she cares about me.
My brows pull together. “So what does this mean?”
Skyler shrugs. “I don’t know. It means you won and I lost, I guess.”
“I don’t know if I agree with that.”
She tilts her head slightly, questioning.
“I may have won the tournament,” I breathe, taking a small step toward her. “But did I lose you?”
For the first time tonight, she pulls her eyes away from me and to the ground. I freeze, my hands by my sides but desperately aching to reach out and touch her.
“I don’t know where we go from here, Kip. I don’t know if we can come back from this. We lied. Both of us. We played games and even though all the cards are on the table now, I don’t know if this is a game we can finish playing and still survive.”
My bottom lip shakes and I look toward the sky like someone can save me, willing myself to keep control. Slowly, I bring my eyes back to hers and let out a long breath. “I’m sorry, Skyler. For everything. And I know those two words won’t do anything to heal the fucking hole I’ve punched in you but I mean them. And if you let me, I will spend the rest of my life making sure you know that nothing in this world is more important to me than you are. Nothing.” I pause, trying to find the right words to say. “You’ve changed everything about my life. Every dream I thought I had means nothing to me now if you’re not a part of them, too. I’ve never opened myself up to love, I’ve never let anything get in the way of my career. But you came in and turned all that into nothing. You obliterated everything I thought was important. All that matters to me, Skyler, is you.”
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