by E. L. Todd
“It sounds like you might need our services,” he said. “To get you through this wedding.”
“Maybe,” I said. “But my sister just got engaged so I doubt there will be any wedding planning for at least a few months. I’m safe for now.”
“Why don’t you just get a boyfriend?” he asked.
I turned to him with an incredulous look on my face. “And you think that’s easy?”
“For you I’m sure it’s a walk in the park.”
What did that mean? “Excuse me?”
“Harper, you’re a perfect ten. You could get any guy you want.”
Perfect ten? “You check me out?”
“Did you think I was gay?” he countered. Then that grin returned to his face. “I’ve checked out your ass a few times. It’s nice.”
Something like this would normally offend me, but coming from Troy it didn’t. And there wasn’t an explanation. “Finding a date isn’t hard. But finding someone to love and have a meaningful relationship with is different. Believe me, if I could have a love like my sister and her fiancé, I would. I wouldn’t be drinking alone right now.”
“Relationships aren’t all they’re cracked up to be.” There was a deep sadness in his voice. He sounded completely different than usual. “If you think finding Mr. Right is going to fix all your problems, it won’t. The only person who can truly make you happy is yourself.”
“I don’t have any problems that need to be fixed,” I countered. “I just want to find someone to share my life with. If you say you don’t want that too, you’re lying.”
He turned to me and there was a cold look on his face. “I don’t.” There was determination in his eyes, like he was challenging me to disagree or call him a liar. I didn’t make that mistake.
“She really fucked you up, didn’t she?”
He didn’t react whatsoever. “No. She helped me see the light, actually.”
“Not all girls are like that, Troy.”
“Yeah?” There was doubt in his voice.
“You like Battleship, right?” I asked. “You think she’s good for your friend Rhett?”
“I don’t have a problem with her,” he said vaguely.
“You really think she would hurt him the way this girl hurt you?” My question hung in the air for a long time. “Because she wouldn’t. Don’t let one bad relationship ruin all your potential relationships.”
He turned to me, irritation evident in his blue eyes. “Don’t tell me how to live my life or how I should feel. I could easily sit here and tell you to get over yourself and your insecurities. Maybe your sister is prettier than you, and maybe she is more liked by your family. But you need to let it go and stop caring what other people think. You need to realize your value isn’t based on your partner, but whom you are inside. Do you want me to say that to you?”
I didn’t answer the question, understanding it was rhetorical.
He threw cash on the counter then stepped away. “Have a good night, sweetheart.”
“I told you not to call me that.”
“It’ll suffice until I find a better name for you.”
Troy
It took me about a week to get back to normal. Every night, nightmares would come to me, and they were always the same. Alexia wouldn’t leave my thoughts. She dumped me over a year ago but I couldn’t get over it. I felt pathetic and weak. Why did she have me by the throat like this? I felt like a dog that had been dropped by the side of the road. My owner didn’t want me, but yet I found my way home just to make it back to her.
I didn’t like this side of me.
Eventually, I calmed down and my mind wasn’t s fuzzy. I wouldn’t think about her because I wouldn’t allow myself to. Every time I did, all it did was cause me pain. I wondered if she was with the same guy. Did they break up? Was she with someone new? Or was she single?
Why did it fucking matter?
I wished I’d never walked into that grocery store. I wouldn’t have gotten drunk and spilled my secret to Harper. Even Rhett didn’t know the truth. He knew Alexia and I had a bad breakup but didn’t know anything beyond that. But Harper seemed trustworthy. I couldn’t imagine her breaking her promise and blabbing to Aspen.
I did find Harper immensely attractive. She wasn’t like other girls. There was something different about her, but I couldn’t quite put my finger on it. A confidence possessed her, and she took up the whole room even though she was five feet tall. She was blonde with blue eyes but she seemed unique to me. There was a distinct curve to her lips. Even when she was frowning, it was still there. I could watch the shape of her lips forever if it didn’t make me seem like a weirdo. When I invited her to the bathroom, I really wanted to get down and dirty. But knowing me, we just would have made out and I would have chickened out, like always. The fact Harper called my bluff was actually a good thing. She was a close friend with Aspen, and it wasn’t smart to get involved in something messy like that. Rhett was my best friend and I wouldn’t undercut him like that.
But she did have a nice ass.
I was working that evening, so I put on my slacks and collared shirt and picked up my date. When I arrived at the door, I cleared my mind of my attraction to Harper and my pathetic weakness toward Alexia. Then I knocked.
Nate opened the door immediately. “Hey, right on time.”
“When am I ever late?” I put on a fake smile and pretended to be the date he paid me for. My problems weren’t his problems, and I left them at the coat rack.
He adjusted his tie before he stepped out and locked the door. “I’m nervous…like always.”
“There’s no reason to be nervous.”
“My parents are never going to accept me.” He seemed genuinely terrified. It was obvious in his eyes and his tense shoulders.
“Don’t think like that,” I said firmly. “It will get better.”
“I have to keep trying,” he said. “I don’t have any other choice anyway.”
I clapped his back. “That’s the spirit.”
He released a faint smile but it didn’t seem genuine. “Thanks for helping me out. I appreciate it.”
“No problem, man. It’s what I’m here for.”
***
We arrived at the restaurant where Nate’s parents were waiting. They were talking quietly to one another, but judging the stressed looks on their faces, they were arguing about their son. Apparently, it was extremely inconvenient he was gay. He was their only child, and they were having a hard time accepting it. Nate hired me because he wanted to have a professional to break the ice. He didn’t want to put a real boyfriend through the drama. It made sense to me.
We sat down in the chairs facing them, and it was immediately tense. They both looked at me like I was a nuisance, like I was the one responsible for all their problems. If I weren’t in existence, their son wouldn’t be gay. I’d never been so persecuted by strangers before. It made me have more empathy for Nate and the long road ahead. “Hello,” I said politely. “It’s nice to see you again.”
“Yeah,” his dad muttered.
His mom didn’t say anything at all.
Nate looked mortified.
At least I was taking the burden off of him. That’s what I was paid to do, to make his life easier.
An awkward stretch of silence passed. No one looked at their menus or made small talk about the weather or traffic. They just stared at me like they wish I were hit by a cab on the way here.
“How’s it going?” Nate asked in an attempt to break the ice.
His parents finally turned their attention on him.
“I’ve been better,” his mom said coldly.
His dad eyed his wife and son.
Nate rubbed the back of his neck, clearly unsure what else to do.
“I went to Nate’s play the other night,” I said. “He did an amazing job.” His parents didn’t approve of Nate being a dancer. It wasn’t ‘masculine’ enough. But they were missing out on all the amazing things their son cou
ld do. It was a shame.
“You guys should come next week,” Nate said hopefully. “I can get you good seats.”
Like his mom hadn’t heard a word he said, she spoke quickly and with a panicked voice, like she’d been holding her thoughts in for a long time. “We found this therapist here in Manhattan. We want you to see him on Monday.”
I tried not to sigh at the blow. Just the fact they met me here tonight meant they were more open to Nate’s personal life. But if they were advising this, that Nate needed professional help, then they weren’t open at all. Every time we took a step forward, we took a zillion steps back.
“A therapist…?” Heartbreak was heavy in Nate’s voice. He sounded devastated, beyond hurt, that his parents disapproved his life so much that they resorted to this idea.
It broke my heart too.
“Yes,” his dad added with a strong voice. “You can talk to him about this and realize it’s just a phase. Every one gets lost sometimes, son. We just need to find our way back. He can help you.”
“I’m not lost,” Nate said firmly.
His mom sighed. “Honey, you—”
“No,” Nate argued. “I’ve been gay my whole life. Do you have any idea how much courage it took me to come out? And now you want me to go back in the closet? With the help of a professional? You want to hide who I am for the rest of my life because that would make you happy?” He shook his head like he couldn’t handle his own words.
I turned to him with pride in my eyes. Then I patted his shoulder, silently telling him I was there and we would get through this. He returned the look with gratitude.
“Get your hand off my son.” His dad’s threat washed over me and left an oily residue on my skin. It rubbed me the wrong way, that some middle age man had the nerve to do anything but show me respect. He didn’t want to go to war with me. Because he would lose.
My eyes turned his way, dark and brooding. I purposely left my hand on Nate’s shoulder, being defiant. My affection was strictly friendly, but he was such a homophobe that he couldn’t even understand that. I wasn’t even gay but he only saw what he wanted to see.
“Did you hear me?” he snapped. His beady eyes looked twice as large through his glasses.
“Dad, come on,” Nate said. “Back off.”
“I said don’t touch him,” he hissed. “That’s my son and I’m not going to let you mess with his head. You’ve already done enough damage. Now knock it off.”
“Dad, I was already gay before I even met Troy,” Nate argued. “Leave him alone.”
“Your son is a wonderful man and human being,” I said coldly. “It’s a shame you can’t see those qualities just because of what he does in the privacy of his bedroom. If you treat him that differently, then you obviously don’t love him. The only person who should be issuing threats right now is me.”
That set him off. He was out of the chair in a flash and coming at me around the table.
It would be my pleasure to beat the shit out of this man and disgrace him in front of the entire restaurant, including his wife. But out of respect to Nate, my friend, I couldn’t do that. So, instead I was on the defense.
He threw a punch right at my jaw but I blocked it with ease. He growled then hit me again but I caught his fist and threw it down. I had the disadvantage because I was sitting down but I still took him like he was a boy at his first session of karate. His face turned red in frustration and he threw himself at me.
“Dad, stop!” Nate yelled.
“We’re going to get thrown out,” his mom hissed. She looked around the restaurant, clearly mortified by what was going on.
I quickly moved from the chair so he tripped and fell under the table. He didn’t hit anything but the ground but I’m sure he felt stupid as hell.
Nate covered his face and sighed. “Oh god…”
“Honey?” His mom bent under the table and tried to help him up. “Are you okay?”
Nate threw his napkin down. “Let’s go. This isn’t going anywhere.” He left the table and stormed outside.
I followed him and caught up to him when we were at the sidewalk.
Nate turned to me, his eyes distantly watery with shame written all over his face. “I’m so sorry…”
“Hey.” I grabbed both of his shoulders and forced him to face me. “Don’t apologize. You have nothing to apologize for.”
“My dad has never been a confrontational person,” he said. “I’m sorry he attacked you.”
“He didn’t land any blows so we’re good.” I gave him a smile. “Really, it’s okay.”
He looked down at the ground. “They’re never going to let this go. And if it keeps happening…I might have to cut them out altogether. I hate my parents for the way they’re treating me but I do love them. I don’t want it to be this way.” Emotion was heavy in his eyes and he was struggling to hide it.
“Listen to me,” I said gently. “They’re the ones choosing to miss out on things. They are the ones making this difficult. They are the ones refusing to accept you as you are. As much as it hurts to let go of someone you love, if they don’t love you back, then you don’t have a choice. If they never come around, it’s their loss. You need to think about it in that way because you’ve already done everything you can to make this work. I know it hurts but…you have to let it go.”
He nodded. “You’re right.”
I rubbed his shoulder. “I wish things could be different. I really do.”
“Thanks for helping me,” he said. “I just wish they were nicer to you.”
“Hey.” I gave him a firm look. “Don’t worry about me. Worry about yourself. I can handle anything. It’s what you’re paying me for.”
A slight smile formed on his lips. “I’m glad I decided to hire you. If I did this with a real boyfriend, he would have left a long time ago…”
“I doubt that,” I said seriously.
“I know so many gay people who have parents that are immediately supportive. The day they confess the truth, it somehow brings them closer together. That’s what I want. I want my mom to take me shopping and ask for my input on outfits. I want my dad to come to my shows and watch me dance. I just…this isn’t what I want.”
I gave him a look full of sympathy. “Sometimes life doesn’t work out the way you want. But you can’t let it bring you down. You have to move on and be happy.”
He nodded. “Easier said than done.”
“You’ll manage,” I said with an encouraging smile.
He hugged me for a moment before he pulled away. “How do you know so much about this? Have you had a lot of gay escorts?”
“A few,” I said. “But my brother is gay. I’ve had to deal with a lot of bullshit from my family because of it. So…I know exactly how you feel. I understand all the frustration and pain. You aren’t alone in your sorrow.”
“Do they still not accept him?” he asked quietly.
I shook my head in response.
“I’m sorry.”
“Thanks, man.”
I put my arm around his shoulder, and together we headed up the street.
“You want to come to my show tomorrow night?”
Nate and I had become friends through this journey, and I didn’t mind seeing him outside of work. He seemed perfectly normal, not obsessive like some of my clients. Plus, he was gay and he knew I was straight. So, I never had to worry about giving him the wrong impression. “I’d love to.”
“Cool,” he said with excitement. It clearly meant a lot to him that I was supportive. I could never replace his parents, but it was still better than nothing. “Can I have your number to text you the address and time?”
One of my rules was not to give out personal information. It just made things easier. But I didn’t see the harm. I hung out with Nate because he was my friend, not just because he was paying me to spend time with him. “Sure.”
***
Rhett and I sat together in a booth with our beers in front of us.
“How’s it going with Battleship?” I asked before I took a long drink.
“Great.” He didn’t smile but his eyes gave him away. It was obvious it was more than great, and it was clear he was more than happy. Ever since he found her, he’d disappeared from the nightlife and parties. He’d rather spend the evenings at home with her. While I missed him, I was glad he found happiness. In the back of my mind, I knew it would end in heartbreak down the road, just like my relationship with Alexia. But I didn’t want to be a downer so I didn’t remind him of that inevitable fate.
“That’s all you’re going to give me?” I asked incredulously. “Just great?”
“What do you want me to say?” he asked. “If I tell you how in love I am with her you’ll call me a pussy.”
“You are a pussy.” I gave him a teasing grin.
“Thanks for proving my point.”
“Come on, I really want to know.”
He studied my face for sincerity before he spoke. “She’s the one, man.”
“The one?”
“Yep.”
That summed up everything in a nutshell. “Are you going to propose soon…?” I really hoped not.
“No,” he said. “I’m happy with the way things are. And it couldn’t come at a worse time since she’s taking over her father’s company. She doesn’t have time for that and a husband.”
“And she doesn’t care you’re an escort?” I found that hard to believe. Perhaps I was just paranoid after Alexia, but I wouldn’t want my girlfriend to be anywhere near another man.
“No. She trusts me. And she should.”
Seeing how happy my friend was only reminded me how depressed I was. Alexia was my tormentor, and no matter how much time had passed, she wouldn’t go away. Was I doomed forever? What did I do to deserve this?
“What about you?” He drank his beer and watched me.
I gave him the response I always gave him. “Nothing.”
“You’ve been saying that for almost two years.” There was a tone of disappointment in his voice.
I didn’t want to talk about it, not even to him. If I just pretended everything was okay, then everything would be okay. Wouldn’t it? Rhett was my closest friend but I couldn’t tell him all my thoughts and emotions. That would be…too girly. “Well, there’s nothing to tell.”
