by E. L. Todd
“Of course it does but—”
“You have no reason to be scared.”
“This is Alexia were talking about. What if she apologizes for everything and asks for another chance?” she demanded. “This is a woman you were going to marry.”
“Things change,” I said simply. “I’ve fallen in love with someone new—someone better.”
Her eyes softened for a moment and the anger disappeared.
“Harper, just because she and I are over doesn’t erase what we had. Our relationship meant something to me, and I want to know what happened between us. Where did it go wrong? That relationship affects my new relationship with you. If I did something wrong, I want to know what it was. Why? Not because I still love her. It’s because I don’t want to make the same mistakes with you. Can you understand that?”
She crossed her arms over her chest, closing off from me. “You didn’t do anything, Troy. She’s just a bitch. You need to accept that and move on. You keep hoping that something is going to change, that she’s going to wake up and realize what she lost. Now that you think that’s a possibility, you want to see it through. If you want to get back together with her, then fine. But don’t lie about it.”
“Harper, I don’t. Listen to me, goddammit!”
She turned red in the face. “You want to meet her so bad, fine. Go ahead.”
“It doesn’t mean anything, Harper. It hurts that you don’t trust me.”
“Well, you aren’t giving me a reason to,” she hissed.
Now I was getting mad. “I understand you’re a little uncomfortable about the situation but you need to calm down.”
“Calm down?” she asked incredulously. “You know what? Fuck you, Troy.”
“Harper!”
She marched toward the door. “Have fun with the girl who fucked you over while the only woman who’s ever actually loved you walks away.”
I growled then grabbed her before she could storm off. “Harper, you’re making this a bigger deal than it needs to be.”
“Then don’t go. You want me to calm down?” She got in my face. “Then don’t go.”
“You think I’m going to cheat on you or something? I won’t touch her.”
“You can cheat on someone without touching,” she said. “A look is enough.”
“Maybe you should take a break and cool off. Then you’ll realize you’re overreacting.”
That didn’t help the situation. “Yeah, I’ll cool down,” she said with a voice full of disdain. “I’ll take a long break, an indefinite one, actually.”
“Don’t talk like that.”
“Then don’t see her,” she countered.
“I’m just looking for closure,” I argued. “Nothing more.”
“Then get your closure.” She walked out and slammed my door so hard I’m sure my neighbors heard.
***
I understood why she was mad. It was enough to make anyone uneasy. But she blew it way out of proportion and made it into a bigger deal. If she really thought I was going to cheat on her so easily then she never trusted me. I didn’t want to be Alexia’s friend and I didn’t want her in my life again. Harper was freaking out over nothing
And her reaction pissed me off.
The fact she thought I would even consider betraying her hurt—bad. For a person who’d been cheated on, I definitely didn’t want to do that to another person, especially to someone I loved. I didn’t even want to get back together with Alexia. Perhaps Harper didn’t understand my need to see Alexia because she’d never been in a serious relationship. No matter how it ended, three years was a long time to be with one person. She shaped who I was and affected my personal relationships. If I could just get some closure, perhaps I would never think of her again.
I wasn’t doing anything wrong.
Was I?
***
I tried calling Harper a few times but she didn’t answer. I went by her apartment but she never answered. When I went to Aspen’s place, she said she wasn’t there and hadn’t seen her. I had no idea where she would go, but she was clearly determined to avoid me.
I couldn’t sleep that night. All I could think about was Harper. This was just a fight and it would pass. I loved her and she loved me. After my conversation with Alexia, I would tell Harper nothing happened, just like I promised. Then she would realize she was making a big deal out of nothing. The anger, resentment, and annoyance kept me up all night and I barely closed my eyes for longer than ten minutes. That’s how mad I was.
***
I arrived at the coffee shop late on purpose just to make a statement. I would come when I felt like it, not a minute sooner.
Alexia sat in the rear with a cup of coffee sitting in front of her. She wore a yellow sundress and the color contrasted against her tan skin. Her hair was long, longer than I’d ever seen it.
I stared at her for a moment, remembering the years we spent together. They echoed in my mind indefinitely, ringing like a distant bell. I pushed them away then approached her table. I sat down with a thud and purposely slouched. “What?” That was all I said.
“Well, hello for starters…”
“Hello,” I said coldly.
She sipped her coffee and watched me with her green eyes.
“So…what’s up?” I couldn’t stop being hostile to her.
“I’m surprised you actually came.”
“Yeah, so am I.” I crossed my arms over my chest and pretended to be as indifferent as possible.
“I heard through the grapevine you have a girlfriend…”
My eyes turned to hers. Did she see us kissing in the bar that night? “Yeah, I do. I love her.” I blurted it out without thinking. I wanted her to know I was happy with someone else.
She nodded but sadness came into her eyes. “I see.”
“And you seemed pretty happy with your boy toy.”
“That was my fiancé.”
She had a fiancé? My heart sank into my stomach and I felt queasy. Someone proposed to her and she said yes? Why did she say yes to him but not to me? Why wasn’t I good enough? All my insecurities came to the surface.
She examined my face. “I mean, he was my fiancé. He’s not anymore.”
Now I was just confused. “Why is that?”
“After I saw you with that blonde in the bar…and the last conversation we had…it got me thinking.”
My heart slammed so hard in my chest I thought it would give out. What was she going to say? That she wanted to get back together with me? Why was my heart beating so fast? Why did I care?
“I had no idea you were going to propose, Troy. If I’d known…”
“What?” I pressed. “What difference does it make?”
“Things would have been different. I got drunk and slept with Mike because I thought you never wanted to marry me. We’d been together for three years and you hadn’t even hinted at it.”
“That was why?” I asked incredulously. “Because I didn’t propose? Alexia, it was obvious how much I loved you. And during that time I was trying to get my business going. I didn’t have the money. You know that.”
“Well…I got tired of waiting.”
“Why didn’t you just tell me?” I demanded.
“No girl wants to talk their boyfriend into proposing…”
“I can’t believe this…” I rubbed the back of my neck. “All these years I’ve wanted to know the answer. I never expected that to be it.”
She shrugged. “Now I wish I had said something.”
Silence stretched between us. I heard quiet conversations in the background along with the music. The blender would go off every few minutes. Knowing this information changed everything. If she wanted me to propose I would have done it in a heartbeat. It was weird to think how different our future would have been if I’d just known.
“I’m sorry,” she whispered.
“It’s okay,” I said automatically. “Things happen…”
Now it became awkward.
“What happened to your fiancé?”
She shifted her weight in her seat. “After you told me you wanted to marry me and I saw you with that girl…I realized you were the only person I wanted. And I wanted to try and ask for another chance.”
I froze to the spot and my heart skipped a beat. She wanted me back? She wanted to try again? She’d always wanted me but a miscommunication had ripped us apart. “Did you tell him why?”
“I just said it wouldn’t work out,” she said vaguely.
“But I have a girlfriend,” I reminded her.
“I know…but that doesn’t mean she has to stay your girlfriend.”
I stared at her, the woman I’d wanted my whole life. Now I was sitting across from her and I could finally have her. She could be mine and we could get married. We wouldn’t even have to weight.
But then something happened. “You dated this guy and told him you loved him then you dumped him for me?” Anger was in my voice. “The guy already proposed…”
“I know. I feel terrible.”
“Do you really?” I said coldly.
She stared at me without blinking.
“Instead of cheating on me with some guy, you could have just talked to me. But you didn’t do that. Instead, you broke my heart. How do you expect me to believe you ever really cared about me?”
“Of course I did.” He eyes watered but I knew the tears were fake.
“You just want me because you can’t have me,” I snapped. “Now that I’m in love with someone else, you know your reign of terror is over. You want every man to be in love with you but you don’t want to love them in return.” I stood up, feeling stupid that I came all the way down here. Harper’s words came to me. “Go fuck yourself, Alexia.”
I turned and walked out, but I felt shaken. Harper didn’t want me to go, and now that I sat across from Alexia I realized what happened. I wanted her to want me. Distantly and vaguely, there were feelings there. I wanted her to tell me she still needed me. It was an odd desire to have. So I was never really over her when I thought I was.
But now I was.
I had the closure I needed and I didn’t want to look at Alexia ever again. She was just a mistake. I was young and stupid at the time, and my immature feelings made it seem like our loves was more profound than it really was. Thank god, I never proposed to her. I would be like her most recent boyfriend.
I stopped and turned around when I realized I forgot something. I marched back to the table and put the small box on the counter. “I can’t sell it because it’s engraved. And I can’t throw it away. So, you can have it.” Without looking at her, I walked away.
***
I searched everywhere for Harper. She wouldn’t take my phone calls, she wouldn’t answer the door, and no one would tell me where she was.
When I came to Aspen’s door she glared at me venomously. “Please tell me where she is.”
“You’re lucky you’re Rhett’s friend. Because I would kick you in the balls if you weren’t.”
“I didn’t do anything with Alexia,” I argued. “Nothing happened.”
“You shouldn’t have gone at all, Troy. And we both know that.” She shut the door in my face.
I went to Rhett next. “Dude, help me.”
He gave me a sad look. “I don’t think there’s anything I can do.”
“Tell Aspen to tell you where Harper is.”
He shook his head. “She would never tell me because she knows I would tell you.”
“Fuck.” I gripped my skull and paced back and forth in front of his door.
“Troy, you shouldn’t have gone.”
“Why is it against the law to talk to an ex?”
“Why did you even want to talk to her?” he demanded. “What were you expecting?”
“Closure. And that’s exactly what I got so I don’t regret it. But I hate myself for hurting Harper.”
“I don’t think you can fix this.”
I stopped and stared at him. “Don’t say that.”
“She’s really hurt, man.”
“I love her,” I argued. “I never not loved her.”
“If you guys were just fucking around like before she probably would have understood. But you’ve slept with her and…Harper thought Alexia was finally in the past. I don’t blame her for feeling this way. She gave you everything but you lied to her.”
“I didn’t lie,” I argued.
“You weren’t really over Alexia.”
I growled. “Well, I am now. I guess in the back of my mind Alexia was there but Harper took up the remaining ninety-nine percent. I’m not perfect and I never said I was. I never even thought about leaving Harper for her. All we did was talk.”
“Harper doesn’t see it that way.”
“Just help me!”
“I can’t,” he said calmly. “I don’t know where she is. That’s the honest truth.”
“Call her for me then hand me the phone.”
“I can’t do that, Troy.”
“Why the hell not?” I demanded.
“I’m not going to harass her for you. Remember, Aspen is my girlfriend, whose best friends with Harper. I care about her as a friend too, and I don’t like what you did to her, even if you are my best friend.”
“I didn’t do anything wrong! You guys are acting like I fucked her or something.”
“You shouldn’t have gone, Troy. That’s the bottom line.”
I couldn’t handle this anymore. I stormed off then headed to my apartment. After regrouping for a few hours, I tried to figure out where she was. I could just wait until tomorrow because she would have to head to work. But I didn’t want to wait. I wanted to talk to her now.
Where would she be? She didn’t have any other friends she was close to. She wasn’t close to her family so I doubt she was there. Kara was still on her honeymoon. So where did she go?
Then it hit me.
She was hiding out in her office because that’s the last place I would expect her to go.
***
I tried the door but it was locked. “Harper, open the door!” I banged my fists on the glass and looked inside. “Please.”
She was sitting at her desk but she didn’t look at me. She kept staring at her computer like I didn’t exist.
“Baby, please.”
Again, she ignored me.
“If you don’t open this door I’m going to break it down,” I threatened. “I’m not kidding. I’ll pay for the damages.”
She finally turned my way. “Go away, Troy,” she yelled.
“No. I want to talk about this.”
“Go talk to Alexia,” she snapped.
“Harper, open this door now.” I was sick of talking to her through glass. If she think this flimsy door would stop me from getting to her, she was stupid. “I’m going to break it down in three seconds. I’m not kidding. One…two…”
She stood up, looking irritated. “Fine.”
I stepped back and waited for her to unlock the door. Once it was open, I stormed inside and shut it behind me. Now she couldn’t get away. There was nowhere for her to run.
She looked at me like I was a stranger. “Say whatever you want to say and leave.” Resignation was in her voice, like she didn’t have any fight left in her.
“Harper, nothing happened with Alexia. We talked and then I left.”
“Really?” She crossed her arms over her chest and leaned against her desk. “And what was said?”
“She explained to me why she left me.”
“And did that give you closure?” Disdain was in her voice.
“Actually, it did. And I have no regrets.”
Her eyes burned in offense. “Fuck you, Troy.”
“Listen to me, I told her off then left. But I’m glad it happened. Now I understand I really meant nothing to her—now and then.”
“Now you realize that?” she asked incredulously. “It didn’t register when some guy fucked her?”
Her c
rude words didn’t hurt. The idea of Alexia cheating on me didn’t even make me flinch. I honestly didn’t care anymore. And that was a great feeling. “I guess not.”
She looked at the ground, no longer able to take in my face.
“She told me she wanted me back and she left her fiancé to pursue me.”
“I bet that made you feel all warm inside,” she said coldly.
“She told me the reason we broke up is because I didn’t propose. She thought I never would and moved on.”
“Good for you.”
I ignored her jabs. “For a moment, a tiny moment, I did feel a sense of joy that she wanted me back.”
Harper turned her gaze on me but there was no anger in the look.
“For just a second, I felt like she wanted me and that made me feel better. It made all the pain go away, and for the first time I could breathe again. But then I realized something worse. In a complicated way, I wasn’t completely over her. But then it hit me how evil she was, what a terrible person she had become. And, like that, everything was gone. Indifference replaced all emotions. She was finally wiped away, and I walked out there without any weight on my shoulders. She’s gone, Harper. Forever.”
There was no joy or anger in her eyes. “So, you weren’t over her just like I said.”
“Partially,” I explained. “Distantly. But that had no effect on my love for you. I only love you—before I spoke to Alexia and after I spoke to her.”
Her voice shook when she spoke. “I was under the impression I was the only one in your thoughts when you made love to me and told me you loved me. I assumed that meant you were over Alexia completely. I assumed that night meant something.”
“Don’t say that,” I argued. “Of course it did. Harper, I never would have done that if I wasn’t hopelessly in love with you.”
“But you still wanted Alexia.”
“No,” I snapped. “I never wanted her. I just wasn’t totally over her. I think I just wanted to know why our relationship was ruined. In retrospect, our relationship wasn’t even that great. It’s just something I made up. Our relationship is a million times better. In the end it doesn’t really matter. She’s gone now and we can continue forward.”
“It doesn’t really matter?” she asked sadly. “No, Troy. It doesn’t work like that. I worked hard to get your trust, and I put up with your baggage for this entire relationship, giving you space. But the moment you slept with me, that told me you were ready. And the fact you weren’t…is just a slap in the face.”
