IF FOUND, PLEASE RETURN TO
MAX CRUMBLY
IMPORTANT: If I’M missing, please turn this book over to the local authorities!
WARNING:
This journal contains
wacky humor,
thrilling action,
nail-biting suspense,
a cool rap,
and a mind-blowing cliffhanger!
THE MISADVENTURES OF MAX CRUMBLY
(IMPORTANT STUFF YOU NEED TO KNOW IN THE EVENT OF MY MYSTERIOUS DISAPPEARANCE)
1. Trapped in the Dumpster of Doom!
2. Mighty Mouth Strikes Again
3. Erin and I Fall for Each Other (Kind Of)
4. HELP! Deadly Dumpster Rats Dog!
5. Panic in the Parking Lot
6. A Truckload of Trouble
7. A Treacherous Trip in a Truck
8. Night Riders Rock!
9. My Desperate Ditch and Dash!
10. I Sneak In and Freak Out!
11. Please, Get Out of My Room!
12. Sorry, but My Dad Is Not Home
13. Unexpected Alien Visitors?!
14. Dino Boy and Unicorn Girl
15. Back to the Crime Scene School
16. Testing! Is This Thing On?!
17. Theft, Threats, and Thug-gery
18. Spilling My Guts Can Be Messy!
19. It’s a Horrible Idea! So Let’s Do It!
20. Masters of Mischief!
21. A Game of Revenge Hide-and-Seek!
22. Stranger Danger!
23. Boiler Room Smackdown!
24. Flushed! EVEN Yet Another Mortifying Misadventure of Max Crumbly
Acknowledgments
About the Author
To Arron Turner,
a Spider-Man fanatic since the day you were born, a voracious reader, book reviewer, and comic book collector, and a super-talented YouTube creator.
YOU are a REAL hero!
Stay SMART, COURAGEOUS, and AWESOME!
1. TRAPPED IN THE DUMPSTER OF DOOM!
I knew middle school was going to be really hard, but I never expected to be BURIED ALIVE in a DUMPSTER full of ROTTING GARBAGE, wearing an ICE PRINCESS COSTUME and BIKER BOOTS!
Are we having FUN yet?! Give me a break!
My life as a wannabe superhero totally STINKS!
Okay, that FUNK-TASTIC stench I’m smelling is actually the Dumpster, not my life. But STILL . . . !
There’s only ONE thing more HUMILIATING than being TRAPPED at my SCHOOL in a NASTY Dumpster in the middle of the NIGHT. And that’s being trapped with ERIN MADISON, a cute computer whiz and the SMARTEST kid in the entire school. And . . . NO! I’m NOT crushing on her!
Any minute now we’re going to get ARRESTED by the POLICE and thrown in JAIL for trespassing, destruction of property, and several FELONIES! . . .
FINALLY! Here is my chance to be a REAL SUPERHERO and rescue Erin get us out of this Dumpster before it’s too late.
If this were a scene in my favorite superhero comic book, it would go down like this:
When we last left our courageous hero and his CRUSH trusty sidekick, they were sitting in a pile of rotting mystery meat, smelly gym socks, a vomit-stained mattress from the cot in the school nurse’s office, and other frightfully foul things, hopelessly TRAPPED within four inescapable brick walls as police officers raced to the scene.
Will our desperate dynamic duo be DOOMED by this dreadful and disgustingly dirty DISASTER?!
Or will they be FRUSTRATED by their feeble failures to flee this filthy fifteen-foot fortress?!
Can our heroes use their supersmarts and uncanny creativity to build two antigravity energy beams from the random recyclable junk in the Dumpster?!
Just keep reading to discover if our Masters of Mischief will escape this cataclysmic catastrophe and bravely BLAST OFF into the night sky like two blazing ROCKETS! . . .
ERIN AND ME, BLASTING OFF . . .
. . . TO FREEDOM!!
FREAKING
AWESOME!! RIGHT?!
Hey! This could actually happen!
NOT!!
Superheroes make it look EASY to get out of an IMPOSSIBLE situation like this.
But let’s be real, people. I don’t have any superpowers!
Yet somehow I pulled off an EPIC capture of three criminal MASTERMINDS planning to steal our school’s expensive new computers!
Okay, so maybe they weren’t exactly masterminds.
“MEATHEADS” is probably a better description. Even though they had the combined IQ of a red crayon, they were mean, ruthless, and very dangerous!
Erin and I teamed up and declared WAR on them earlier tonight.
It was like a real-life video game battle, only ten times SCARIER! I’d had Erin’s phone with me, and she’d been “playing” along from home on her computer, helping me set traps in the school. It took us hours, but we kicked their butts and took them out one at a time.
In the end, not only did we outsmart them, but we booby-trapped those three MENACES and then left them at school for the authorities to find.
Those guys will NEVER roam free again!!
Don’t believe me?
Here’s my PROOF! . . .
The only problem is that unless Erin and I can figure out how to get out of this STUPID Dumpster, WE might never roam free again either!!
FOR REAL!!
It’s all MY fault that she’s in this HOT MESS!
Anyway, we don’t hear the sirens anymore.
But that’s because the POLICE have arrived and are parked right outside this brick wall!
We’re both totally FREAKING OUT!
I’m not going to lie to you. Things are looking pretty BLEAK for us right now.
That’s WHY I’m documenting everything in my journal: The Misadventures of Max Crumbly!
If the police actually find me, they’ll probably throw me in the SLAMMER for:
1. unlawfully trespassing on school property
2. intent to do great bodily harm with deadly plastic cling wrap
3. assault and battery with a basketball hoop
4. cruel and unusual use of a python as a dangerous weapon
And, last but not least, the most serious and heinous offense . . .
5. vicious crimes against fashion (did I mention that I’m wearing an ice princess/superhero costume?!).
Hopefully, one day someone will find my journal hidden in this Dumpster.
Then the entire world will learn the truth about the night I MYSTERIOUSLY disappeared and NEVER returned to South Ridge Middle School!
Even if I’m not able to save MY life, I’ll at least save ERIN’S.
And maybe even . . . YOURS!
Hey, I’m not trying to be all super DRAMATIC. But by the time you read this, I’ll probably be ROTTING in PRISON and working on my NEW escape plan! . . .
ERIN, BRINGING ME A VERY YUMMY SLEDGEHAMMER CHOCOLATE CAKE WITH HACKSAW ICING!
But don’t get it TWISTED!
I haven’t given up . . . YET!
SORRY!
But Max C. is NOT going down like THIS!!!
WARNING!
This journal might end with a big, fat CLIFFHANGER, just like my first two!
So if you’re going to have a meltdown, you should probably stop reading this NOW!
Maybe your parents will read you a cute bedtime story about a fuzzy baby bunny instead.
Otherwise, buckle up and get ready for yet another gut-wrenching roller-coaster ride through the halls and horrors of middle school.
Now let’s say it all together, people. . . .
BEEN THERE!
DONE THAT!
GOT THE T-SHIRT!!
Hey, no worries.
I GOT THIS!!
2. MIGHTY MOUTH STRIKES AGAIN
So, you’re probably wondering how Erin and I ended up trapped in this stupid Dumpster.
I was on the roof and accidentally fell down a construction chute right into it. . . .
I busted Erin’s cell phone when I landed in the Dumpster!
And when Erin couldn’t get in touch with me, she snuck out of her house and came to the school.
She found me trapped in the Dumpster area and tried to rescue me by pulling me up over the wall.
Then SHE accidentally fell into the Dumpster too!
So there we were! Both stuck in a STINKIN’ trash heap!!
The good news was that we finally came up with a brilliant plan.
We were going to hide out in the Dumpster (like we had a choice!) and try to escape AFTER the police found the three burglars inside the school, finished their investigation, and left.
But there was a very real DANGER that WE could end up BUSTED!
While searching the school for suspects, it was possible the police could find us hiding in the Dumpster and arrest US instead! . . .
ERIN AND ME, GETTING ARRESTED FOR . . . UNLAWFUL LOITERING . . . IN A DUMPSTER . . . AFTER MIDNIGHT?!
“I just wish we could SEE what was going on out there,” I muttered in frustration.
I stood up and stared at the top of the wall, trying NOT to think about whatever just SQUISHED under my foot.
EWWW!!
Then I pulled my dad’s comic book out of my boot to make sure it was okay.
Erin’s eyes widened in surprise. “OMG! MAX, YOU ACTUALLY FOUND THE COMIC BOOK?!”
Yep, I’d finally managed to rescue my dad’s SUPER-RARE, SUPER-VINTAGE, SUPER-VALUABLE comic book from those MANIAC criminals!
But I’m not gonna lie!
It took some serious guts and nerves of steel to get it back.
I was out on the roof, trying to grab the comic book after one of the burglars had maliciously tossed it out a window.
Looking back, it was a super-risky, super-stupid thing to do, because that was how I accidentally fell into the Dumpster. But after all the trouble I went to getting my hands on it again, there was NO WAY I was leaving without it!
“Yeah, I got it back.” I shrugged. “No BIGGIE!”
Erin smirked and rolled her eyes at me.
Actually, it was a REALLY big deal! I’d crawled through miles of air vents on my hands and knees, gotten covered in toilet sludge, fought off three menacing criminals, befriended a ten-foot-long python, and almost FALLEN to my DEATH!
I just thought Erin should know I am an extremely BRAVE, SMART, ADVENTUROUS, SUPER-COOL DUDE! . . .
ME, TRYING REALLY HARD TO IMPRESS ERIN!
I carefully tucked the comic book back inside my boot for safekeeping.
Then I hoisted myself up onto the side of the Dumpster and balanced on a narrow ledge while I tried to reach the top of the wall.
“Max, please be careful!” Erin whispered. “If you fall, you could break an arm or leg, or worse! And if something happens, I’ll just . . . !”
I turned and stared at her in surprise. She seemed to be genuinely worried about me.
Suddenly my palms started to sweat.
Erin actually CARED! SWEET!!
But my warm and fuzzy thoughts disintegrated into thin air when she nervously cleared her throat and continued. “I’ll just have to throw my ice princess costume away if it’s ripped or stained. I guess I can always make another one. Why ARE you wearing it, anyway?”
Well, THAT cleared up any confusion.
Erin only cared about her STUPID ice princess costume.
WHY are girls SO ding-dang obsessed with CLOTHING?!
I could fall off that wall and crack my cranium, splinter my spleen, bust my butt, and fracture my face trying to RESCUE her! And ALL she’s worried about are the STAINS on her ice princess costume!!
So what am I? CHOPPED LIVER?!
Thank you for caring, Erin.
Anyway, standing on the edge of the Dumpster, I wasn’t even close to seeing over that wall.
Don’t get me wrong—I’m no munchkin! That wall was just ridiculously high!
WHY the heck does our school lock up our GARBAGE in a fortress with fifteen-foot-high brick walls and steel doors, while our brand-new computers, worth $100,000, sit in an unlocked room where anyone can easily STEAL them?!
GO FIGURE! . . .
HOW MY SCHOOL PROTECTS ITS WORTHLESS GARBAGE!! . . .
HOW MY SCHOOL PROTECTS ITS BRAND-NEW, SUPER-EXPENSIVE COMPUTERS! . . .
This made no sense WHATSOEVER!
“Listen, Max! Maybe the TWO of us will be tall enough to see over the wall!” Erin said.
She climbed up and balanced next to me on the edge. “You boost ME up, and then I’ll pull YOU up. Okay?”
I was suddenly way too distracted to answer her.
My nostrils were filled with the most amazing scent.
It was a combination of cupcakes, Skittles, and Snuggle dryer sheets.
“MAX?!” Erin said, snapping her fingers in front of my face. “Earth to Max!”
I blinked. “Oh, sorry. I was just distracted by that . . . smell!”
“What smell?” she asked, glancing at the Dumpster.
“Actually, I think it was YOUR . . . smell!” I said awkwardly.
I have this habit of being brutally honest. My mom says it’s always GOOD to tell the truth, but I’m not so sure.
I think she changed her mind after she asked me how her homemade zucchini bread tasted.
Sure, I may have used the words “soggy diaper” and “dirty toenails” to describe the taste. . . .
ME, TASTE-TESTING MOM’S ZUCCHINI BREAD
But I was being HONEST!
So I was totally confused when Mom got an attitude about the whole thing.
“REALLY, MAX?! Is THAT what you think my zucchini bread tastes like?! GET OUT OF MY KITCHEN! NOW!” she yelled at me.
I couldn’t believe she actually did that.
The fancy gourmet chefs on those cooking shows on TV don’t get kicked out of the kitchen when they tell a contestant their soup tastes like Cheerios and warm vomit.
I never even got a chance to tell Mom the chopped bits of zucchini in her bread looked and tasted exactly like boogers.
I was like, WHY ARE YOU TRIPPIN’, MOM?!
DON’T ASK FOR MY OPINION AND THEN TURN INTO A HATER! WHAT’S UP WITH THAT?!
But it looked like Big Blabbermouth Max had struck again, because Erin looked totally offended. I guess my comment about her smell came out completely wrong.
“Whatever!” she muttered. “You don’t smell so good right now either. Just boost me up, please!”
I was SO disgusted with MYSELF!
REALLY, MAX?! You finally have a chance to get this close to an AMAZING girl, and the first thing you do is insult her by telling her she STINKS?!
I KNOW! I totally messed up. I needed to do something to really impress her. Like maybe show her how STRONG I was?
Okay, I’ll admit I’m not the muscular, athletic type.
But my ability to draw HUMONGOUS muscles on my mirror with toothpaste had drastically improved with practice. . . .
Anyway, there was no question in my mind that I was strong enough to boost Erin up onto the wall.
But I had no idea how she was going to pull ME up, when she wasn’t able to do it earlier.
What if she loses her balance and falls again?
Or what if I accidentally yank her down while she’s trying to pull me up?
We could be STUCK in this Dumpster FOREVER!
The authorities will probably find our skeletons STILL sitting here five years from now, which means we’ll BOTH miss our high school graduation!
How CRAPPY will that be?!
I just need to CHILLAX and stop worrying.
ERIN HAS TOTALLY GOT THIS!!
I hope!
3. ERIN AND
I FALL FOR EACH OTHER (KIND OF)
I looked through the Dumpster for anything that might help us escape.
How would the Incredible Hawk, superhero in my soon-to-be-bestselling comic book series, get out of here?
Well, that’s easy. He would fly! DUH!
But unless I could figure out how to make myself some wings out of moldy textbooks and rotting tuna casserole leftovers from the cafeteria, I wasn’t flying out of here anytime soon.
Then it hit me. . . . MY UTILITY BELT!! (My belt didn’t hit me. That would have hurt. The IDEA hit me!)
Not all superheroes have powers. Sometimes they just utilize quick thinking and cool gadgets. You know, like Bruce Wayne.
I was about to take off my belt!
“Um, Max?” Erin said, covering her eyes. “I don’t think NOW is a good time for a costume change.”
“No, look!” I pointed at a hook sticking out of the top of the wall, right next to where Erin was standing. “We could attach my belt to that hook and—”
“HANG ourselves in SHEER desperation!” Erin interrupted sarcastically.
“Of course NOT!” I answered. “I’m going to scale that wall like Batman does! It’s going to be totally EPIC!”
That’s when Erin burst into laughter so loud I was worried the cops might hear her.
“Max, you must have hit your head when you landed in the Dumpster. Dude, are you serious?!”
Okay, BAD idea! Instead, I hoisted Erin up on my shoulders and tried my best NOT to fall over. . . .
Erin cautiously peeked over the edge of the wall. “Good news!” she whispered down to me. “All the cops are inside. And there are some trash bins on the other side that we can use to climb down.”
SORRY! But MORE garbage bins was definitely NOT on my TO-DO list tonight.
Lately, it seemed like my life was just jumping from one STINKY pile of TRASH to the next!
Don’t get me wrong—I really appreciated that Erin was actively helping with our escape. But, in my opinion, it was going to be physically impossible for her to pull me up over that wall. So I made a really difficult decision.
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