“Oliver’s still on training wheels,” Dad continued, “and I haven’t seen Megan break a sweat in five years. So unless they belong to my wife, I don’t know what to tell you.”
Mr. Howell looked like his head was going to EXPLODE. . . .
MR. HOWELL WAS NOT HAPPY!
He totally lost it and went into a crazy rant. . . .
“All I know is that this JUNK just mysteriously appeared on MY lawn in the middle of the night! And when I went outside to investigate, I saw a strange person wearing a long silver cape and boots. He flew over the fence and then quickly disappeared through a window at YOUR house! I’ve already reported the incident to the police.”
MR. HOWELL CALLED THE POLICE?!! This situation could NOT get any worse!
Dad gave me a concerned look and shook his head in disbelief. Did he think Mr. Howell was senile?
“Well! That’s quite a story, Mr. Howell. I assure you, no space alien in a silver cape visited our house last night. But thanks for your concern.”
I almost felt sorry for the old guy. But notice I said “ALMOST”!
Hey, he’d called the police on ME!! HOW were we going to clean out our garage if the authorities showed up in helicopters and wrapped yellow crime-scene tape everywhere? . . .
It was quite obvious my dad felt sorry for our elderly neighbor.
“Listen, Mr. Howell, I understand why you’re upset! Maybe we can help. We’d be happy to take this stuff off your hands. Just leave it here with us, and we’ll take care of it for you!”
That’s when I TOTALLY lost it!
“DAD, NO! THAT’S A REALLY BAD IDEA!” I exclaimed. “WE CAN’T KEEP THAT STUFF HERE! WE’RE, UM . . . TRYING TO CLEAN OUT THE JUNK IN THE GARAGE! NOT COLLECT MORE OF IT! RIGHT?!”
Dad tapped his chin. “Good point, Max! Your mom suggested we donate the items we don’t want to that new secondhand shop. They’ll sell your stuff and give the money to local charities. I bet if I fix the bike seat and tighten the wagon wheels, they might be useful to someone. Then you and I can drop them off at that shop along with OUR stuff!”
WAIT, WHAT?!!
Did my dad just offer to take the bike and the wagon BACK to the secondhand shop?!!
NO WAY! Now MY head was about to EXPLODE!
I had a million questions!
What if their security camera showed that I had taken them from their FREE pile LATE last night? And what if they asked me WHY I was returning them? In front of my DAD?!!
Or, worse yet, what if the POLICE came to my house, confiscated the bike and wagon as evidence, and then found the clothing I had just tossed in the garbage bin?!
And what if they interviewed the nosy neighbor eyewitness who said he saw a person dressed in that same clothing climb in through OUR window in the middle of the night?!
And what if Mr. Howell picked ME out of a criminal lineup of suspects?!!
You know, like they do on those cop shows on television. . . .
ME, FREAKING OUT AS SUSPECT #3 IN A LINEUP?!
Things could NOT get any worse!
Only this time I REALLY mean it more than all those other times I said it!
I watched silently as Dad and Mr. Howell rolled the bike and wagon into the garage.
Mr. Howell shot me a dirty look as he angrily stomped off, muttering to himself under his breath, “Kids today have no moral compass! They’re spoiled rotten! I need to move to a gated community for senior citizens with no kids allowed!”
That’s when I decided to go inside and have a nice, big, hot breakfast.
You know, BEFORE the police arrived to arrest me!
I’ve heard that the food in JAIL is really nasty.
Even nastier than the food in our school cafeteria.
And that’s just WRONG on so many levels!
13. UNEXPECTED ALIEN VISITORS?!
I could NOT believe that Mr. Howell had actually called the police on ME!
At first I was a nervous wreck.
Every time a car approached our house, I’d totally panic and think it was the authorities coming to take me away.
But finally I realized I was just being paranoid.
I mean, COME ON!!
Mr. Howell’s story was TOTALLY BANANAS!!
What was the likelihood the police would actually show up at MY house to investigate a CRAZY STORY by our elderly neighbor that a strange person in a silver cape had mysteriously appeared, left a pile of JUNK on his front lawn, flown over the fence to our house, and then DISAPPEARED through a window?! . . .
MR. HOWELL’S CRAZY STORY!
Anyway, cleaning out the garage wasn’t so bad. We found some more of my dad’s old comic books.
And since they weren’t in mint condition, he said I could have them. SWEET!!
Oliver was hanging out in the backyard with his friend Brianna, who lives nearby.
I wish I had a sweet little sis like her instead of a bratty brother who sneaks into my room and breaks my stuff.
They were noisily playing a make-believe game called Dinosaurs Invade Baby Unicorn Island. That’s when I suddenly got a GENIUS idea!
Dad was busy filling up a truck he’d borrowed with stuff for our first trip to the secondhand shop.
But before he could load the bike and wagon, I asked the munchkins, “Hey! Do you guys want something cool that will make your game even more fun? Then check this out!”
They immediately came running. And when they saw the wagon and bike, they FREAKED!!
It didn’t matter that the bike was busted and way too big for them, or that the wagon was raggedy. Their imaginations immediately kicked into high gear!
Two six-year-olds and a pile of wood and rusty metal!!
WHAT COULD GO WRONG?!
As they excitedly hauled the bike and wagon to the backyard, Brianna said, “Oliver, your brother is so COOL!”
What can I say? Six-year-olds LOVE me!!
“Okay, Max, here’s the plan!” my dad said after I strategically shoved a big box of books into the front passenger seat, where I was supposed to sit. “Since there isn’t enough room for you in the front seat, I’ll drop off this first load. You can take a break and make the second trip with me.”
“Are you sure, Dad?” I asked. “I was really looking forward to helping you unload this stuff . . . !”
“Thanks, buddy!” Dad smiled and slapped me on the back. “But I think your old man can handle this just fine all by himself.”
Actually, my plan was to stall the second trip until dinnertime.
By then the shop would be closed and we could just toss the bike and wagon into the huge donation bins in the parking lot.
NO QUESTIONS ASKED!
When I stepped inside the house, I immediately noticed the sweet aroma of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies.
“Max, can you do me a favor?” my mom said as she headed for the door with her purse and car keys. “I need to run to the grocery store to pick up a few items. Will you keep an eye on Oliver and Brianna in the backyard? I should be back in about thirty minutes. Thanks! Cookies are on the counter!”
“Sure, Mom. And thanks for the snack!” I said.
I poured myself a tall glass of cold milk and grabbed a fistful of cookies. They were warm and gooey and practically melted in my mouth.
I collapsed onto the couch and felt a complete sense of calm for the first time in weeks.
In spite of all the drama I’d been dealing with, surprisingly, EVERYTHING had worked out just FINE!
“Max C. the Man is in complete control!” I smiled.
I was still munching on the chocolaty goodness when the doorbell rang. Who could that be?!
I hopped off the couch and went to look through the peephole. When I saw who was there, I CHOKED on my chocolate chip cookie and quickly opened the door. . . .
I know. I KNOW!
Max C. the Man was in complete control of his life for less than sixty seconds!
14. DINO BOY AND UNICORN GIRL
I just
froze and stared at the officers.
My heart pounded in my chest like a bass drum. I recognized one of them from last night at the middle school.
YIKES!! My worst nightmare was coming true!
“Um . . . okay. But neither of my p-parents are home right now. Is something wr-wrong?” I stammered.
“Well, son, we’re trying to figure that out!” Officer Fields said. “There was a break-in and burglary attempt at the middle school last night!”
That’s when I almost peed my pants!
It was quite obvious that they were here to arrest me! My life was OVER!
I was already starting to miss my family. Even Megan. And I didn’t think THAT was possible!
“We received a call from your next-door neighbor about a possible intruder,” Officer Jackson explained. “He said he saw someone enter a window at this address. We wanted to follow up in case it was connected to that middle school break-in. And, of course, we also wanted to make sure YOUR family is safe.”
“Thanks, officers! Everyone here is just FINE! My parents should be back soon, so you’re welcome to wait. But I also realize you’re super busy, and the last thing I’d want is to waste your valuable time on a complaint from a nosy neighbor with an overactive imagination,” I said.
The officers exchanged glances and nodded.
Yes! I had just thrown Mr. Howell under the bus!
Hey, it was either HIM or ME!! I was desperate!
Officer Fields handed me his business card and told me to have one of my parents give him a call to verify everything. Then they’d close out the file.
I breathed a HUGE sigh of relief. Maybe I WASN’T going to jail today after all. SWEET!!
They were walking back to their patrol car when Officer Jackson suddenly stopped in her tracks and spun around.
“WAIT! One last thing! Your neighbor said something about finding a bike and a wagon abandoned in his yard. He said he left them here to be given away. If nobody wants them, we can take them down to the station to try to lift some fingerprints. Do you know where they are?”
Did she say “fingerprints”?! WHAT if they found my FINGERPRINTS?! I WAS SO DEAD!!
“Actually, I gave them to my little brother and his friend. They’re playing with them in the backyard right now. I’ll just explain that you’re here to pick them up. They’ll get over it!”
I anxiously escorted the police officers to my backyard to seize evidence that would definitely implicate me in the crime at my middle school. But when the officers saw Oliver and Brianna playing, their hearts melted like warm ice cream. . . .
OLIVER AND BRIANNA, HAPPILY PLAYING WITH CRIMINAL EVIDENCE!
“Okay, Oliver and Brianna, these two nice police officers here need to take, er, I mean, borrow your bike and wagon. Okay?!”
“It’s NOT a bike! SHE’S a unicorn!!” Brianna protested. “And she’s getting dressed up to go to Baby Unicorn Island for her surprise birthday party! She’s going to have a PINK unicorn birthday cake with sprinkles on it!”
“And this ISN’T a wagon!” Oliver argued. “It’s a dinosaur cave! It’s also a tent, a race car, AND a spaceship! ZOOOOOM!!”
I tried again. “Sorry, guys, but playtime is over! We need to hand this stuff over to these police officers so they can—!”
“NOW JUST HOLD ON A MINUTE!!” Officer Fields interrupted. “As Jackson explained, we planned to confiscate this stuff ONLY if it was abandoned property. It doesn’t look abandoned to me!”
“Me neither!” Office Jackson agreed. “Actually, we’d need to come back here with a search warrant to take toys from these adorable kids.”
“When I was a kid, my favorite toy was a dinosaur too! I called him Danny the Dino!” Officer Fields sniffed. “He was green and one of his eyes was missing. But I didn’t care! I really LOVED that little guy!”
“I used to have a bike just like this one when I was a child. I even decorated it with tissue paper flowers. All the kids in the neighborhood would pull them off my bike and blow their noses with them. I really HATED those kids!” Officer Jackson smiled as she reminisced.
“NO WAY are we taking toys from these kids. We’re officers, not MONSTERS!” Officer Fields exclaimed. “Besides, we ALL know Mr. Howell down at the station. He’s a nice elderly gentleman who’s just trying to be helpful. But most of the time he goes way overboard with his one-man neighborhood watch program!”
Officer Jackson seemed highly annoyed too. . . .
“Really?! FOUR so far this YEAR?” I asked.
Both officers shook their heads.
“FOUR complaints this MONTH?” I guessed.
“NO! Mr. Howell has filed FOUR complaints this WEEK!!” Officer Jackson grumbled.
“Actually, I don’t think we’ll need that call with your parents after all. We have everything we need to close this file,” Officer Fields explained.
“Have a nice day!” Officer Jackson smiled. Then they got into their patrol car and drove away.
I went inside the house and collapsed right in the middle of the living room floor. I felt like my head was going to EXPLODE! For the SECOND time today.
I tried to CHILLAX by reading the comic books my dad had given me. But I was SO exhausted, I must have accidentally fallen asleep or something.
All I remember is hearing a voice, seeing a distorted face, and waking up completely disoriented.
I almost had a PANIC attack until I realized what was going on. . . .
MEGAN, MESSING WITH ME!
“GROW UP, MEGAN!” I yelled at her.
“WHAT?! I was just checking to see if you were still alive! Was someone here? I thought I heard voices.”
“You DID! The crazy little VOICES in your HEAD!” I said sarcastically. “They invited you to a sleepover at the city dump! You’d better get going, or you’ll be late!”
“Actually, the voices TOLD me to give YOU some mouthwash, BUTT BREATH!” she shot back.
The HATE was REAL!!
But don’t get it twisted!
I’d much rather be HOME with my annoying sister driving me NUTS than down at the station with those two police officers, getting a MUG SHOT!
NO JOKE!!
15. BACK TO THE CRIME SCENE SCHOOL
In spite of the long three-day weekend, I still had mixed emotions about returning to school today.
I was DREADING having to face Thug Thurston!
He’s the bully who started this whole mess by locking me inside my locker after school on Friday.
Thug has had a problem with me ever since that day I got sick in PE class and accidentally threw up my oatmeal on his expensive athletic sneakers.
It was totally an accident! But it was partially HIS fault too. I didn’t SEE him standing there! His body odor is SO bad, it makes your eyes sting and go blurry when you get within ten feet of him.
I was also worried that I’d somehow be implicated in the school break-in.
I’d innocently arrive at school, step off the bus, and then . . .
MY LIFE WOULD BE OVER!!
I could be sent to the principal’s office, suspended from school, detained by the police, questioned, arrested, and then thrown in jail, all BEFORE my third-hour class!
But, more than anything, I was DYING to see Erin again! I was really worried about her, but I didn’t have her home phone number and there wasn’t any other way to contact her.
Her parents had confiscated her LAPTOP late Friday night when they caught her using it (she was talking to ME!) in violation of their rules.
Then I’d accidentally busted her CELL PHONE when I’d fallen off the roof of the school into that DUMPSTER. It was probably STILL in there!
Erin was the reason I’d made it home ALIVE! Just the thought of seeing her face and talking to her again made me smile.
I planned to join the computer club like she’d suggested. Then we’d hang out together after school, play video games, and become good friends.
UNLESS!! YIKES! I couldn’t even thi
nk about it!
I got a really sick feeling in the pit of my stomach.
WHAT if Erin’s parents had found out that she’d SNUCK out of the house in the middle of the night (to help ME!) and . . .
. . . SHIPPED HER OFF TO MILITARY SCHOOL?!
It would be all MY fault!
I would have TOTALLY RUINED both of our lives!
And I’d NEVER forgive myself for that!
The bus finally arrived at South Ridge Middle School and came to a screeching halt.
Kids piled into the aisle, still chatting excitedly about their three-day weekends.
I took a deep breath, stood up, and trudged off the bus.
16. TESTING! IS THIS THING ON?!
I barely recognized South Ridge Middle School! Police officers were everywhere. There was crime-scene tape blocking off all the entrances into the school, with cops standing guard.
Teachers and students were crowded outside the main door. Everyone looked a little freaked out!!
I scanned the crowd for Erin, but I didn’t see her.
“Do you know what happened?” some kid asked another.
I moved in closer to hear the word on the street.
“I heard the chemistry lab accidentally exploded and destroyed the entire school!”
“My brother said some high school kids vandalized the building as their senior prank!”
“My BFF said they found a dead body in a locker!”
YIKES! That last rumor could have been TRUE if I hadn’t escaped from MY locker! . . .
MY FINAL MESSAGE TO THE WORLD!
“My sister said the school is going to be shut down for the rest of the year!” said a girl who was wearing WAY too much lip gloss. “So I’m going to transfer to Westchester Country Day! All my BFFs go there!”
The rumors were WILD!
Finally Principal Smith came out of the building with a bullhorn, and the huge crowd quieted down.
The Misadventures of Max Crumbly 3 Page 5
