by Hazel Kelly
Chapter 35: Jenny
"What the fuck, Ethan?!"
I jumped out of the bed before I remembered I was completely naked. "Don't walk away from me when we're-" I reached for the bathroom door, grabbed his robe off the hook, and threw it on as I scrambled after him.
When I walked into the main room, he was scooping coffee into the filter. "Should I not have said anything?" I laid my hands on the counter. "Okay, don't answer that. Obviously I should’ve mentioned it, but-"
He didn't look at me. He just stuck the pot on its stand, flicked the orange button, and kept his back to me.
"Ethan, please."
He turned around with crossed arms. "What you should've done was loose it to somebody else. Anybody else."
I felt like he'd taken a dagger to my guts. How could he say something like that? Wasn't it a nice surprise? Especially if you'd done everything right like he did?
"No wonder you asked me to take you to bed." He threw his hands in the air. "What woman wants to lose it to some guy against a random wall?"
He looked so cold standing in the kitchen in his boxers, his bare feet on the tile.
"You're not some guy," I said, reaching towards the basket of freshly folded laundry by the door. I flipped through the stack and threw him some sweatpants as soon as I found a pair.
While he put them on, I walked back around to the other side of the counter. "I thought we had a good time."
"Me too," he said. "Until I found out we weren't having the same time. You had an agenda and you used me."
"No-" I wrapped a hand around my eyes.
"And somehow I'm the one who feels like a goddamn user. Like I took advantage of you-"
"But I wanted you to!”
"How is it even possible that you’ve never had sex before? You just graduated from college for fuck's sake."
I cocked my head. "What the hell is that supposed to mean?"
He reached for the cupboard and pulled out one mug.
"Well?" His robe was down to my ankles, and I pulled the navy fleece around me, wishing I were in those cozy socks he let me borrow the other day. Then at least one small part of me would feel comfortable right now. "Not everyone sleeps around."
The glowing orange coffee button flicked off, and he pulled the pot from the stand. "I just assumed-"
I watched him fill the mug with coffee. “What?”
"I assumed you would've ticked that milestone off a long time ago." He leaned forward and set the mug down in front of me. Then he went back to get one for himself.
"Me too," I said, wrapping my palms around the hot mug. "But it didn't happen, and I didn't want to force it with some random person I didn't trust."
"But Brandi's-"
I furrowed my brow. "What?"
"You know."
"I'm afraid I don't," I lied. "And just because my best friend's more experienced than I am doesn’t-"
"You went to prom with that rattlesnake Tom Denic."
"Yeah, I did," I said. "On your dad's condition that I be home by eleven thirty."
He clenched his jaw.
"Which was my curfew until I went to college by the way. And don't get me wrong, there were other kids getting drunk and fucked before eleven, but I wasn't one of them."
He raised both hands and rubbed his temples.
"You know he used to breathalyze me?"
He lifted his gaze.
"And make me run through self-defense drills?"
His eyes grew wide.
"And while I never knew for sure, I always assumed there was some kind of tracking device on the car-"
"I could've told you that," he said. "Along with how to get it off."
I folded my arms. "The point is, the opportunity was rarely there, and even if it had been, it's not like I was going to lose it to Tom Denic." I shuddered. Even the thought of getting fingered by someone who bit their cuticles like that made me feel seedy.
"Okay, I get it. I know my dad’s a tyrant, and to be honest, it only got worse after my mom died so I'm not surprised he made your life hell."
I shook my head. "He didn't. I mean, yeah, at the time I thought he was trying to ruin my life, but what did I really miss out on? A few drinking tickets? Running from the cops? Getting felt up by drunk members of the marching band? If anything, I owe him one."
Ethan raised his eyebrows.
"Don't tell him I said that, though."
"And college?" he asked. "Surely there were assholes lining up to take you out."
I shrugged. "There were, I guess. Or at least there were more opportunities. But after waiting so long, I didn't want my first time to be with some guy who tasted like Jager and didn't even know my last name."
"Uh-huh."
"Plus, I was a drama major."
"So?"
"So most of my male friends are gay, and frankly, wine nights playing Cards of Humanity don't get quite that raunchy." I took a sip of my coffee and stared at him over the top of my mug.
He was backed in the far corner of the kitchen.
I felt awful that he wanted to be so far away from me after holding me all night. "I'm sorry, okay?"
He sighed.
"I should've told you."
His face was stony.
"You had a right to know."
He scoffed.
"But for what it's worth, I don't have any regrets about it."
"Was it-"
"What?"
"Okay?" He raised his eyebrows. "I mean, for your first time?"
I swallowed.
"Cause I can't help but feel I should've been more gentle-"
I shook my head. "It was perfect."
"And you always wanted it to be me?"
I nodded. "Yeah. I did. Despite everything."
"What do you mean despite everything?"
"Despite our parents," I said, squeezing the warm mug in my hands. "And you being such an asshole to me ever since they got together."
"I wasn't an asshole."
"I'm pretty sure you were. I used to cry about it and everything."
He leaned off the counter. "What?"
"You used to make fun of me and tell me I was a weirdo-"
"I never-"
"Yeah, you did. You used to tell me my sweaters were lame and that my friends were losers and ask me why I couldn't try harder to fit in or get a boyfriend or listen to better music or-"
"Okay, I get it. I was an asshole."
I pursed my lips and let it sink in, let him stare at the floor tiles and feel bad about it like I used to. But in reality, he probably did me a favor because his bad behavior helped mitigate the miserable, aching desire I had for him at the time.
And he never once criticized me in front of anyone else. Not once.
Sure, I used to be bothered by his teasing, by the cutting tone of his voice when he put me down. But I still preferred those moments to when we were in public and he wouldn’t even acknowledge me.
And now I'd lost my virginity to him.
Just like I always wanted.
So I guess he was right.
I was a total weirdo.
Chapter 36: Ethan
I hadn't felt this fucked in the head since I was seventeen… though the first night Jen showed up at my place was a close second.
There I was with a fucking hard on and her suddenly in my living room. That was a bit of a shock.
And now I found myself staring at her from across the kitchen- where she stood wrapped in nothing but my robe with her bedhead falling everywhere- and I was just as clueless as to what to do.
On one hand, my chest was swollen with pride that she'd always wanted it to be me.
However, I spent the guts of the last decade trying not to get attached to her, and this news didn't help.
Knowing I was the only man she'd given herself to like that only made me feel more possessive and infatuated with her. And sick. Mostly I felt sick. Like nauseous and lightheaded and uncharacteristically anxious.
&nbs
p; And try as I might, it was hard not to think those symptoms were a direct result of how hard I'd let myself fall.
Granted, I had enough self-awareness that I kind of knew it was happening at the time, but I thought I'd be able to pick myself up, dust myself off, and say goodbye to her when all was said and done. But I was starting to think it wasn’t going to be that easy.
After all, where would that leave me?
Worse off than ever, I assume. Cause while it was one thing to never get what you want, surely losing that thing once you've had it is a pain worse than death.
In fact, maybe that's what was causing me to feel so ill: the knowledge that this dream could all come to an end in the time it took her to drag her suitcase out of my building.
"I'm sorry," I said, adding some hot coffee to my cup.
She raised her eyebrows.
"For being an asshole all those years." I walked over, topped her up, and set the coffee pot down between us. "And for making you cry."
She shrugged. "Everything made me cry back then."
"I know. I remember. But still."
"Hormones," she said. "What a mindfuck, eh?"
I nodded. "Testosterone certainly got me into a lot of trouble."
She lowered her head. "Does this mean you forgive me? For not telling you I was a virgin."
"What choice do I have?"
"I don't get what the problem is? What are you so afraid of?"
I took a deep breath.
"Are you afraid I'll latch onto you like a barnacle and refuse to let go?"
If anything, I was afraid she wouldn't.
"That I'll go crazy and get jealous and start stalking you or something?"
I blinked at her. She didn't even know the meaning of jealousy as far as I was concerned.
"Is that what you think happens when girls lose their virginity? Cause I hate to break it to you, but not everyone mates for life."
I sighed.
"In fact, that would be a disaster in most of my friend’s cases-"
"I'm not afraid of any of those things."
She raised her eyebrows. "What is it then? Cause you've been acting like a freak all morning."
I dropped my head and stared into my coffee.
"And I was a freak for a long time so I know a freak out when I see one-"
"I'm afraid of falling in love with you."
Her lips fell apart.
"And for the record, it's not the love part that scares me," I said. "It's the you part."
She pursed her lips.
"Because our being together is impossible, but my falling for you isn’t."
She blinked at me.
"To be honest, that's what I've always been afraid of."
She shook her head.
"I was so afraid of it I left."
"No."
"Yes."
"That’s not true. You left because you frightened Aaron Schwartz so bad he peed himself in front of the whole locker room."
I nodded. "Yeah. And I did it because of what he was saying about you."
"What?"
I shrugged.
"Then why didn't you-"
"What? Repeat what he said to the principle and degrade you when he already got what he deserved?"
She raised a finger, her eyes glassy. "Don't put that on me. Don't say it's my fault you left. I didn't want you to go."
I reached across the counter and forced her finger down. "I'm not putting anything on you. I'm just telling you what happened."
She swallowed. "What did he say?"
I shook my head. "It doesn't matter-"
"Ethan."
"I don't rememb-"
"Tell me."
"He was just being vulgar and saying stuff about your lips."
She pursed them.
I stared as she let them reappear.
She cocked her head. "You stood up for me?"
"I wasn’t gonna let him talk about you like that."
"But you went away for it." She craned her neck forwards. "You let everyone think you were some kind of troubled, angry teen."
"I was."
She shook her head. "I don't believe that. I don't think you needed help."
"I did," I said. "I couldn't process my mom's death there. I had to get away."
"You could've gotten help."
"Trust me. I've thought a lot about this."
She dropped her head and stared at the steam rising from her mug.
"There are only two things that could've helped me get through it, and I wasn't free to choose either of them." I walked around the counter and stepped up beside her.
"I hoped you would come back," she whispered, turning to me so I could see the tear pooling on her lower lid. "Your leaving punished me, too, ya know?"
I lifted a hand to her cheek. "It wasn’t you I left, Jenny."
She put a hand over mine and pressed it to her face.
"I left my problems. And my anger. But not you." I leaned forward and kissed her on the forehead.
She laid a hand against my chest.
"I've got to go to work this afternoon,” I said, leaning back to catch her eye. "You okay to do you for a while?"
She nodded. "Yeah."
"What do you want to do about us in the meantime?"
She shrugged. "Keep it a secret, I guess."
I raised my eyebrows.
"Like it's always been."
I forced a smile. "Whatever you want."
I walked into the bathroom and leaned my back against the door, the pit in my stomach aching.
My feelings for her were too big to be a secret, and I already knew it.
I just didn't know what the fuck to do about it.
Chapter 37: Jenny
I remember the day he left.
I gave him the most awkward hug of my adolescent life and then refused to go along to the train station with our parents to wave him off.
Instead, I stayed home and cried, indulging myself in how betrayed I felt that he would abandon me like that.
Of course, part of me was angry that he'd gotten out when I was still stuck with our obnoxiously smitten parents in a town full of people who were so dull they’d never even been to Columbus, much less out of state.
I cried until there was nothing left.
Then I wrote him an angry letter, confessing all my feelings and admitting that I never hated him, not even for one second. Then I tore it into tiny little pieces and threw it in six different garbage cans the next day at school.
I thought that would get him out of my system, thought I could purge the feelings that way and not have to feel them anymore.
I remember the first day at school when I didn't overhear his name a single time. It was only a week and a half later. I remember feeling disgusted that everyone could just move on like that and forget him. It was the first time I was glad my angry letter shredding voodoo hadn't worked.
And all that because he was defending me.
I couldn't believe it.
No wonder Aaron Schwartz never so much as looked in my direction again. It all made sense. Ethan had threatened him. Thoroughly. Shit, it was probably partly his fault I never got laid in high school.
I had just crossed into the park when I felt my phone buzz against my hip. I waited until I had a little bit of personal space- and until I knew I was headed in the right direction- before hitting the callback button.
"Oh my god," Brandi said. "Please tell me you're a huge star already and in desperate need of a cleaning lady to destroy the evidence from all your massive coke parties."
"Uhhh."
"Cause I've got to get out of this town."
"Why? What happened now?"
"I got recognized by a cab driver yesterday."
"So?"
"He recognized me because I left swiped him on Tinder."
I smiled. "That could only happen to you."
"Me and Amy Schumer I like to think."
"What did you do?"
&nbs
p; "Got dropped off on Maple, obviously, so he wouldn't know where the fuck I lived."
"I told you to stop using Tinder when you got home from school. Our town is way too small. Next thing you know you'll be swiping married guys and former teachers."
"If Mr. Crawford popped up, I'd totally right swipe."
"You're disgusting."
"What's disgusting is what I'd teach him about biology."
"Stop. I can't listen to this. I had him for homeroom."
She laughed. "Does that mean you won't come to the wedding?"
"What wedding? The one between Ted and Brandi Crawford? Not a chance in hell."
She sighed. "Fine. Save me from my sad teacher student fantasy."
"I can't. You're obviously in too deep." I moved to the side of the path to avoid a squirrel and an oncoming biker.
"At least tell me things are heating up between you and Ethan."
I scrunched my face. "Define heating up."
"Has he put his hands on you yet?"
I didn't want to encourage her line of questioning. "We went to dinner last night."
"Somewhere fancy?"
"Yeah. With real bruschetta and everything."
"Wow. What was the occasion?"
"Me being in New York, I guess."
"And then?"
"And then after a lot of white wine he kissed me in the park."
She squealed.
I held the phone away from my ear.
"How was it?" she asked.
"Too good," I said. "The best ever."
"You guys are freaks. What would your parents say?"
"Well, I'm pretty sure his dad would disown him and he wouldn't care."
"And your mom?"
I sighed. "I don't think she'd understand. I think she'd think I was rebelling or something."
"No offense, but you’re a pretty shitty rebel."
"I always thought so, too. Until last night."
"Did anything else happen?"
"No,” I lied. “But I think something could. If I wanted."
"Whoa."
"I know."
"So is it too early for you to tell me I was totally right about you guys having the hots for each other?"
"No. It seems you were right, but would you mind keeping it to yourself until I figure out what the heck is going on?"
"Sure. But only because I know that kind of juicy gossip would spread like wildfire around here."
