by Ivy Knight
"No, but my sister's home," he says as we walk down a hallway. He suddenly comes to a stop and turns around to look at me.
"I'm going to grab the first aid kit, my room is down that hall, third door on your right," he directs.
"Okay," I respond as I watch him walk back the way we came up. Once he's out of my vision, I follow his directions.
That hall, third door on my right.
I walk down the hall counting the number of doors I pass in my mind.
One... Two... Three.
I stop in front of the white door and contemplate on whether I should go in or wait for Jayce to come back. He did tell me where his room is so maybe I should just go in.
I take the knob into my grasp and just when I'm about to open the door, I'm distracted by a feminine voice yelling.
"Jack, no! Jack don't let go!"
With knitted eyebrows, I follow the voice two doors opposite of Jayce's room. The door slightly open, I push it a little further to get a glimpse of who's inside. The light pink walls come into display before my eyes travel down to a girl sat on her bed. She lays flat on her stomach watching a movie. Her eyes stained with tears, she holds napkins underneath to soak up the wetness.
There is no doubt in my mind that this is Jayce's sister Vienna. I back away and knock on the door.
"Come in," she sniffles. I try to comb out the tangles in my hair and wipe away the dry tears before opening the door. I put on a small, believable smile.
"Hi," she says wiping away her tears and turning off the TV using the remote.
"Hi, I'm a friend of your brother's," I walk in as she stands up. She's almost as tall as me, but a few inches shorter. Her black hair is done up in a ponytail and she wears a yellow tank top with pink pyjama shorts.
"Summer, right? My brother talks a lot about you," she says, causing a smile to appear on my face. A smirk appears on her face, "So are you guys dating now?"
"No, no w-we're just friends," I respond. "He talks a lot about you too, he loves you."
"He's a great brother."
"Yeah, how are you feeling?"
"Huh?" her thick eyebrows knit in confusion.
"You stayed home from school, I assumed you weren't feeling well."
"No, Jayce asked me to stay home for the day," she says.
"Really?" I inquire.
"Yeah, he told me that he didn't want me going for some odd reason. I kind of blurred everything out after he told me I didn't have to go to school," she clears out.
"Oh, uh- you go to the same school as us, right?"
"Yeah grade ten," she replies.
"I've seen you around with Kai, I'm guessing that's his doing," she points to her face referring to mine.
"Yeah, it's complicated," I dully reply. Changing the subject, "What were you watching?"
"Titanic," she says. "The ending gets me every time."
"I've heard about it, but I've never actually watched it."
"Are you kidding me? It's only the century's best romantic movie ever. Why have you never watched it?"
"Never had the time and to be honest, I'm not the romantic type. I rather watch a good action movie."
"No way, you have to watch it. Oh, my gosh, that would be such a cute date, I'm telling Jayce!" she shrieks. I laugh at her enthusiasm.
"What are you telling me?" I turn around and find Jayce creeping at us from the doorway.
"She has never watched Titanic," Vienna responds, sounding as if she doesn't believe her own words.
"Really?" he walks in.
"Yup," I shrug.
"Then we shall watch Titanic one day."
"One day."
"But that day isn't today, I went to my room and you weren't there. I see you've met Vi."
"Yeah, I wasn't sure if I should go in there without you or not."
"What'd you think you'd see?" he asks sounding a little offended.
"I don't know, dragons?"
"I don't doubt it," his sister backs me up with a sly smirk.
"Don't worry, my dragon doesn't spitfire until you evoke him," he winks. Vi and I both start laughing.
"Okay small guy, let's go. I thought we were going to talk," I walk towards him.
"If 'talk' is another word for sex, I swear if I hear anything, I'm pulling the fire alarm," Vi warns.
"I'm sure we could make it work under the sprinklers," Jayce smirks.
I gasp, "Stop putting dirty images in your sister's mind and no Vi, we're just friends. Talk means talk."
"Yeah, yeah just keep it down," she waves closing her door.
"We can't guarantee anything!" Jayce yells playfully.
"Oh, my gosh, you're despicable," I roll my eyes walking into his room. I move his clothes off the bed and sit him down. He watches me with an amused smile on his face.
"It's not funny, what if she tells your parents?"
"They're hardly ever home and she won't, she knows I was just kidding."
"Take off your shirt," I order, opening the first aid kit after showing him an eye roll.
"I thought talk meant talk?" he asks grinning.
"You know what I mean," I deadpan. Giving up, he removes his shirt pulling it over, and off his head.
His whole chest is full of multiple bruises. A straight cut from his right to left side, looks like it was caused by a knife. The cut isn't deep, so stitches aren't necessary. His other wounds, tell me that he didn't get a doctor to attend to him after he got attacked.
"Why didn't you go to a doctor?" I question wetting a cotton ball with some water to clean the knife wound.
"They would only question what happened and I don't want the police involved," he says.
"You mean Kai doesn't want the police involved," I correct dabbing the wound clean. As I clean it, he takes much deeper breaths. "What about your sister or parents? Didn't they question your fucked-up face?"
"Parents were asleep when I got home and left early morning. Vi was awake last night. I told her I got jumped by some guys on the rival team," I put the cotton ball to the side and use tweezers to pull out any big pieces of debris stuck in his cuts.
Once I'm done, I wrap up the big cuts using bandages and put some cream on the bruises.
"Show me your back."
He sighs heavily turning around and taking a seat on his bed. I frown at the sight. His back is covered in so many cuts, you couldn't even a see an inch of his bare skin.
This is my fault.
I grab another cotton ball and start cleaning. Accidentally, I dab a little too hard and he winces.
"I'm sorry, I-I didn't mean to-" I apologize pulling my hand away.
"It'a not your fault, it's okay," he cuts me off. "I'm just being a püssy."
I shake my head at the choice of his words as I continue on. After cleaning him off, I bandage anything that needed to be and apply some cream on more of his bruises.
"Done," I announce trying to put some excitement into my voice.
"Finally, that felt worse than when they were actually being given," he jokes, pulling on his shirt.
"Yeah, well then, they didn't do a good job then," I comment, closing the box.
He turns around, "Are you saying if it were you, you could do it better?"
"That's exactly what I'm saying."
"Then I'd never like to be the other guy in a fight against you," he laughs. I take the kit in hand and sets it on the nightstand.
"What about you?" Jayce asks standing up behind me.
I turn around, "I'm used to it."
"Why do you say it like it's a good thing?" the edges of his lips drop, forming a frown.
"Because it is, for me at least," I sigh taking a seat on the bed. There are a gazillion things to talk about and I can physically feel them starting to weigh me down.
He kneels down on both of his knees and takes my hands in his, on my lap. I sigh looking around his room as he plays around with my hands quietly drawing circles on the back of them with his thumbs.
His room big and messy: the
re are clothes, video games and gym equipment everywhere. The walls are painted a sky blue making the room look a little bigger than it actually is.
"Why don't you keep your room clean?"
"I guess we move around so much that I quit trying to keep my stuff organized. Everything ends up scattered when we move anyway."
"That's fair," I look down at our hands. "Why are you on your knees? Sit on the bed with me."
"I feel like this way you can't hide your emotions from me," he conveys.
I sigh closing my eyes. He needs to know the truth.
"This isn't me, Jayce. The person that you think you know, isn't who I am. I'm a horrible person. It would be a lie to say that the things I've done aren't as bad as the thing's Kai has done. And maybe you can accept these flaws, but how can you accept them without even knowing what I really look like, where I was born and how I even got into this mess? Those are questions that you deserve answers to, but I don't have them. At least, not at this moment."
"I'm feeling so many emotions I've never felt before. The way I always wait for your texts and when you do, I can't help but get a smile on my face. Or, how you look at me without even blinking sometimes. It makes me feel so vulnerable. Like you're in control and your blind to it yourself. I've started blushing. Blushing. Me, Summer White starts blushing when I notice you look at me the way you do. Believe me Jayce, I don't blush, ever, but you make me. Today when you hugged me, I felt like I was me again. The six-year-old before I found out who I had to become. And when I saw the state you were in, the cuts and the bruises on your face, they made my heart throb. I knew right there and then that you were in that state because of me, I just needed to hear you say it, but you didn't. I don't know why, but you didn't. It angered me, because I told myself that I would let you go. I needed a reason, and if you had just blamed everything on me, then it would've been easier to let you go. And I couldn't. Instead, I slapped Kai because I was outraged. Not at him, but at myself. He caused you the pain, but I was the reason he did what he did. You didn't deserve what he put you through."
"If I had let you go like he had warned me to, we wouldn't be sitting here today. You would be healthy and happy as ever and I – I would be somewhere without you; your sister would be safe at school and you wouldn't have to worry about your sister getting attacked because of Kai. You never volunteered for this, but here you are, listening to every word I have to say."
I look up through my teary eyes. His brown eyes almost as teary as mine he looked at me with a certain light in his eyes. My right-hand caresses his sharp jaw. He closes his eyes absorbing the feeling of my touch.
"I can't neglect the way I feel when I'm next to you. When you touch me, when you look at me with your starry eyes, when you text me or when you refuse to accept reality. I don't know what being in love feels like, but I'm sure we're pretty damn close to it. So, this is what we have to do, we have to move on and let each other go," I swallow hard.
"Before you say anything, just let me finish, please," his lips form a thin line as he waits for me to continue. "There's a light, an intense bright light burning inside of you that attracts the darkness in me towards you. I want it so bad Jayce, I want you so bad, but I can't have it. I can't have you because I know in the end, the darkness inside of me will only consume the brightness inside of you. The small patch of darkness that you keep hidden will find its way out, through me, and I won't let that happen. You think I don't see the pain you try to hide behind that big smile of yours, but I do. I know what you go through every single day and you think that being with me is helping you, but it's not Jayce. It's only getting worse and today, I saw it come to life."
"You know what I saw today? I saw your eyes buried underneath hate and poison. The light was gone when you looked at Kai. It's like you weren't even there anymore. And you know who you reminded me of? You reminded me of the very first man in my life who ruined everything good about me. His eyes used to be full of light like yours, but as I grew, the light in his eyes started to vanish. I ruin people, Jayce. I will not let you be one of them. You need someone who feeds the light in you, not the darkness."
I close my eyes and take a deep breath. I open them and wait for him to say what he has to.
He starts.
"I don't care what you've done, why would I? That's not the person you want to be. Circumstances just aren't in your favour. I don't blame you for that, I never will. You hide yourself in this aura of darkness to protect yourself from everything that there is in the world you live in and I understand. I understand that you weren't made to love or to be loved. And everyone you've been close to, always gets hurt in one way or another. But no one gets to decide what you deserve and what you don't."
"Yes, there's a billion questions running through my mind like why you don't just run away, but I don't need answers. Do I want them? Sure. Do I need them? No. I can live without those answers as long as I know that you're okay and that one day, you'll be better than okay. The lifestyle you live, is a job and one day, I know because you want this, you'll leave it."
"You're beautiful, Summer. In every sense of the word. I'm captivated by the way you rarely smile because you have no idea how beautiful you look when you do. The way your dimples flash themselves and all I wanna do is make you mine. How your hands are so small compared to mine, but they fit perfectly together. The way you can hide everything under fake contacts and no one questions a thing. You might be the biggest lie I've known, but you are my favourite."
"Today, things aren't in our favour, but they will be one day. And that day, that lie will reveal itself to me and I will wait for that day. I'll wait until you're ready, patiently," he lowers his head, trying to figure out how to word his next thoughts.
"I – I was going to tell you sooner, but I didn't know how. I'm moving back to Canada. My parents finished everything they needed to and tomorrow is my last day here," he looks up at me for my reaction. I just sit there biting down on my tongue as my eyes widen and shrink.
"I tried getting in contact with you for the last two days, but you seemed to had disappeared. At first, the phone rang endlessly and you never picked up. Then, it said that your phone was switched off. I was walking home from practice last night when I got jumped by Kai's men. They beat me, they were going to kill me, but I told them that I was leaving so they let me go. I came to school today hoping that you would be there, I needed to tell you how I felt before I left. If I didn't see you today, I told myself I would delay my ticket or stay here and just finish school. I don't know, all I knew was that I needed to see you."
"And I did, I saw you and you looked broken. You looked exactly like the first day I saw you, lost and unaware. Kai's men warned me to stay away from you, but I knew I couldn't. There's something about you that calms me and so I hugged you hard and long. The hug was supposed to be for you, to make you feel better, but it turned out to be for me too. I didn't know if I would get the chance to see you again after that hug, so I just stood there without saying a word and took in every little thing about you. The way you were stiff at first, but slowly melted around me. The way your arms wrapped around my frame just the way I hoped they would. How you took in the feeling with me. I knew right then, that you needed me just as much as I needed you."
"And then, I saw the guilt on your face when you saw me. Your emotions never seem to comply with your eyes so a part of me always knew that there's something you're hiding. But today, there was guilt in your eyes, it was so strong that I could see it in your eyes and it made my heart drop. This isn't your fault, Summer and I don't know what to say to make you believe that. I know I didn't volunteer for this, but ever wonder why I stayed? I stayed because of you. I don't want you to go through this pain and sorrow on your own, but you won't let me help you. You won't until you're ready, so I won't push it."
"I just want you to know that you haven't won this. I won't let you push me away, I'm just giving you the space that you deserve because I respect you. I respect everything you
've been through and understand that the thing's you've done or will do, aren't in your hands. The woman I see in you will one day come back to me and learn how to love and give me the opportunity to love her in all the ways possible. I love you, Summer White and I hope one day, that I'll hear you say the words back to me. I want to be your redemption, the day you decide you deserve one."
Both our eyes bury beneath endless tears as we process the words we said to each other.
He's leaving.
Suddenly, I feel my heart hurt like it's being deformed into something else. Like someone has just pulled out a chunk of it and threw it in a deep dark ocean.
He loves me.
He loves me. I'm fortunate enough to have a man in my life that admits the feelings he has for me, but he's being ripped away from me like everyone else who has ever loved me or I've loved. I either get ripped away from them or they're ripped away from me. It's just an endless, vicious circle of my life.
"I-I don't want you to go," I choke on my words, but I take a deep breath and start again. "I don't want you to go, but you have to. You'll be safer without me, and I know for a fact, that you'll find someone worthier of you. I know that you'll love her and have cute kids, and... -"
"Don't, Summer," Jayce gets up from his knees and hugs me tightly as I start to sob.
"I-I wish I c-could be with you, I really do. I hate my life, Jayce. I- I despise it, but I'm afraid that if I don't finish what I started, then that – that feeling of emptiness will follow me around for the rest of my life. This is a lonely journey only meant for me. A part of me is devastated that you're leaving, but the other part also knows it's for the better. Maybe this was all there was meant to be of us, a friendship with untouched feelings. This – this is good," I end trying to convince myself.
He backs away only so his thumbs can wipe away the tears that drench my face. Gently and lovingly, his thumb glides across my cheek rubbing off the salty tears.
"You look horrible when you cry," he teases.
"Well, you don't look that handsome yourself," I stand up so that I can reach his face and wipe away his tears.
He sighs heavily looking down at the ground.
