by Ivy Knight
"Fine. If you're not going to give this up, then I'm just as stubborn. I'm gonna stay, right here, in this exact spot until you-" I stop when the room suddenly starts to spin. I grab onto the doorknob to hold myself steady. Slowly, I lower myself onto the ground hoping that it'll help me feel less dizzy. I sit down and turn my back so that it's leaning against the door. Without proper vision, I continue to speak, "you come out. I'm not going to eat or drink anything until you do."
"Summer?" My head turns to the source of the voice. Alec makes his way down the hall in my direction. His face distorted with stress. "What are you doing? Why are you sitting outside Kai's door like this?"
He kneels down taking in my state. "
"Summer, please tell me what happened."
"I don't know what happened," I take a deep breath and my fingers rake through my hair. Sorting through all the events of today in my head, I try to explain what happened.
"Kai was taking me somewhere when he got a call from Lucy. The next thing I know is that I'm helping Lucy give birth to Kai's baby and she dies and all of this comes down on the same damn person Nick."
Every memory I've ever had of Nick plays itself like a recording in my mind forcing me to feel all the pain he's ever inflicted.
"Nick is the problem to everything. He killed Kai's best friend and now Kai's broken. He broke Kai, but I'm not letting that happen, okay? I'm not going to let Nick win. I'm not letting him break another soul."
My heart clenches at the thought of Nick winning again. He has broken and manipulated countless number of people, but this time, it's going to be different. I can help Kai because I know exactly what he's feeling and I can save him. I will not let the bit of light, that's hiding within him, burn out. I'm going to brighten it using the one thing dearest to him; his son.
"Summer," Alec cautiously takes my hand in his, in an effort to calm me. "You can't stay here. Kai's been through a lot and he'll find a way to get through it. He always does. Don't make his fight yours."
But it is my fight, it always has been, I think to myself.
"That's where you're wrong. I've been where he is, Alec. I can promise you that he is not going to come back from this alone. He can't. I stood right next to him and watched everything play out today. He – he was crying. Kai cried in front of me. He's either going to come out as someone worse than he was before or someone a bit better."
Alec's eyes ignite with realization. His jaw hardens as he thinks.
"Um, I'm going to call some people. Cole was with Lucy and he's not answering his phone. The baby is with Lily in the hospital room and I'll get her to bring you food once she's done with the baby."
He gets up and leaves. I watch as his figure disappears behind one of the corners and I'm left alone. My head leans against the door as I let my eyelids drape over my eyes and try to calm myself mentally.
This situation is much more than it seems. Something is still doesn't piece together like why did Kai take me out in the first place? Maybe, once he feels better, I'll find out.
All of sudden, I hear a loud growl. My eyes fly open. The hallway empty, the bubbling sound startles me again, but this time I recognize it. Immediately, my hands feel my empty stomach and the desire for a lunch buffet comes in mind.
With everything that went on, I haven't had the time to eat. The last time I ate was early, last evening. Man, how I wish I had eaten before going out this morning. I've stayed without food for more than just days before, but I don't know why it feels like I haven't eaten in days now.
Deciding that the best way to distract myself from the food is to sleep, I close my eyes and let it come to me. Before I even know it, I lose full conscious.
...♛...
I wake up in a dark room. Yawning, I sit up. Stretching my arms, I try to figure out where I am. The bed I'm in, it's not mine. The room is dark with only a ray of light seeping in that doesn't let me see much. My eyes follow down its path to the back of a large canvas.
Kai.
I look around the room, but he's not here. I wonder how I got here. The last thing I remember is falling asleep outside of his door.
I take another look and my eyes stop at the balcony.
Smoke.
There's a cloud of smoke.
It vanishes and another appears.
He's smoking?
I take the edge of the blanket in my hand and lift it off myself to jump out. The marble floor makes me shiver, but I ignore the numbness remembering the events of the last twenty-four hours. Nothing is colder than the heart of Nicholas Black, I remind myself as I walk towards the balcony door.
My mind curious to explore Kai's room, I ignore it and decide that it's top priority to get through to him first. As much as I dislike him, there's a similarity between us that is too big to deny.
I slide the door open and breathe deeply trying to adjust to the low temperature. Once I'm comfortable, I find Kai on the far right, leaning against the railing as he takes another hit.
Before stepping right into the scene, I mentally prepare myself. The cigarette in his fingers is one of my biggest weaknesses and the more I see him with it, the more I'll want it.
You can do it, Summer. Just keep the goal in mind and nothing can distract you.
Sighing, I step onto the balcony and walk towards Kai. Silently, I lean against the railing right next to him. I try to pinpoint what he's staring at, but I'm at a loss. There's nothing out there besides trees, the night sky is clear and the moon is covered by dark clouds.
"You shouldn't be out here," Kai speaks.
"Why don't we change it up and talk about you today instead of me? You know, spice things up."
"You want one?" Kai asks pulling out a pack of cigarettes while holding the lit one in between his lips. I look at him, stunned. Did he just do what I think he did? Did he just offer me a cigarette? This is fucked.
"No," I resist all temptation to say yes.
"Are you sure?" he questions. Pulling the cigarette out of his mouth, he bites down on his bottom lip before inhaling one end of the cigarette and releasing the smoke towards me.
The scent awakens my senses and my fingers twitch wanting to hold the the stick. For a moment, there is nothing more I want than to let my addiction fuel me, but I hold myself back.
Kai's lips form a sinister smirk before turning around and smoking again. He knows exactly what he's doing.
"Fuck," I turn around trying to avoid watching him smoke. It feels like he has everything I've craved.
That's not true Summer. What you crave is something bigger.
I take a deep breath coming to my senses. I need to help Kai. Building up courage, I rest my elbows on the railing and lean my weight down on them slumping my shoulders.
"Why'd you stop smoking?" I query observing him from my peripheral vision. His head drops down, closing his eyes as he thinks.
"What is it that you really want, Summer?" he sighs.
My body turns around facing him happy about the fact that he's finally being straight up.
"What I want is for you to talk. It's not healthy to keep everything inside. I watched you go through everything today and it must have torn you apart."
"Are you saying that I can trust you? Because I'd like to, but I can't. It's not because you've done anything wrong, but because you're just too good. There's a part in me that believes there's a reason why you're that way and it's deeper than just being held hostage by gang members," he ends by rubbing out the butt of his cigarette on the railing.
"You don't trust me? Fine. But that shouldn't come at the cost of your own sanity. As much as I hate to admit it, you're still human. Whatever act of defiance you display to prove your points, is just an act and some innocent part of you hates that. You want to quit it all, but you can't until you get the revenge you've worked so hard to achieve. You think locking up your emotions will help you get it, but you're wrong, Kai. You're fucking still a human with a functioning mind and fucked up thoughts. If you don't talk abo
ut them, they will devour and you will achieve nothing."
He stands tall, the ends of his lips curl upwards.
"Even after everything you've been through, you still haven't learned the one, most obvious thing. Not everyone can be saved. Tell me Summer, besides the girls in my former camps, who else have you been able to save?"
I remain silent.
"Exactly, no one. But contrary to that, you have managed to destroy a lot of people and their lives. I mean all the people you've killed on your missions, they had a family that cried when informed about their loved one's death. One kill effects fifty other lives, Verano. I watch you kill, and I see no remorse in your eyes. No hesitance in your actions. Only lust for blood in your eyes. Haven't you stopped to think, that maybe before saving others, you should, I don't know, save yourself?"
"I don't need saving."
"And why is that?"
"Because the old Summer is already gone. The one that you picked up was trying to redeem herself from all the things she had done, but the one that was born with innocence in her heart, you never met her. I was far gone and it took a little push from you to realize that and I do. But you're not, you can still be redeemed."
"And what makes you think that?"
"You weren't mad at me for talking to Jayce, you were mad at me for getting attached and creating a weakness that could be exploited. You hurt Jayce so that I would leave him because you knew that I couldn't handle another death of someone I cared about. So, to save me, you let me hate you for the little stunts you pulled. If that doesn't show humanity, then I don't know what does. You made sure I wouldn't go through what you're feeling right now, and the least I can do is help you get through it," I state.
"Leave," he commands.
"Excuse me?"
"I said-" he faces me. His face only inches away from mine, I don't take a step back. I'm not showing him any weaknesses. "-leave."
I let out a small laugh. "So, is this what you're going to show your son: how he can just bottle up his emotions, kill whoever wrongs him and treat women as if one didn't give birth to him? Is this the type of role model you'll be? Is this how much respect you have for the promise you made to Lucy? Are you going to be just like your father and not show a speck of love towards your own blood?"
"You don't know anything about my father," he growls. My eyes travel down to his hands fisted on either side of him.
"Really? By the way you act, it's clear he was an emotionless dick. As they say, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree," I poke him with my words. I need him to crack.
"Shut up and leave, Summer."
"Aw, did I hurt your feelings?" I mock in a baby voice.
"Verano," he warns in a low tone.
What the fuck does that even mean?
"You're pathetic Kai. I was wrong to think that you're human, you don't deserve a son. You don't deserve a family," I turn around to leave, but my arm's yanked behind me and I spin around hitting Kai's chest.
His eyes shaded in deep oceans of the black sea, I feel my heart rate rise.
"What do you know about family, Summer? You're parents died when you were just a kid and your adoptive parents were always too busy working, so you do not get to tell what I deserve or not. If you really want to know what family is, we'll see what happens when that little bun in your oven is ready to come out."
"Wh-hat?" I feel my body lose all it's warmth as the atmosphere thickens. Kai's face drops when he figures out what he had spoken. His grip loosens and I take a step back from him.
"I-"
"No, don't sugar coat it. Is it true?"
"I don't know. I shouldn't have-"
"Whatever, you did it anyway," I cut him off.
Pregnant?
How did I not figure it out earlier? With all the symptoms, they all point towards the same thing.
Fuck.
...♛...
I cry, curled up in the corner of the room. There's no light like always. Just the darkness full of my worst fears and now even the light, I fear. The light comes with danger, it means that Nick's here to destroy me.
But this time, when he comes in, I'm afraid he'll do something worse. I can sense that he knows what I've been trying to hide. My utter weakness is a sign of something more than just dehydration. Almost a month and half ago, he took what I always thought would be mine. He took my virginity and since then, I haven't gotten my period.
I can withstand everything he throws my way, but not as long anymore. I lose conscious easily, I'm always hungry and there's this emotion building up inside me telling me to stop fighting him. I don't know for what, but I want to give up. I can't though. If I am pregnant, I won't let my child's fate be determined by a demon.
...♛...
"No," I breathe out once I'm back to my senses. My eyes blurry with tears, I look at Kai. "If it's true, I'm not keeping it. I won't be responsible for destroying the life of my own blood."
"Summer -"
"No! This – this isn't your choice. It's not your body, it's mine."
"But the child-"
"Even if I were to give birth, you'd just be a sperm donor. You decided that yourself when you walked out on me that morning," I reply. "It's not like your losing out on anything, you already have a son."
"Summer, just listen to me."
"So now you wanna talk, when it comes to something that benefits you?"
"That's not what I want to say."
"Then what is it?"
He clenches his jaw, "If you'd let me talk without cutting me off, I'd say it.
He waits for a couple of seconds.
"We both never planned for you to become pregnant and it's only right that you decide what to do next if the results come back positive. Like you said, it's your body and I'll support you with whatever you decide to do, but until you take a pregnancy test and get the results back, you are cut off from the team and any physical activities."
"I'd thank you, but we both know I will do what I want with or without your approval. And since you're being awfully generous, if you decide that you need to talk, you know where to find me," I end with exiting the balcony and then his room.
My life is so fucked.
Chapter 38
The tears just don't stop. I don't know how long it's been since I've been sat on the floor with my back resting against the foot of my bed just sobbing.
I can't be pregnant. I just – this isn't supposed to happen. Fuck, why me? Out of all the people in the world, why me? Why did I have to be born in the White Dragon's family and why did I have to be the center of their pain.
Curious to see the wreck I've become, I get on my feet and walk towards the vanity mirror. In front of me, stands a girl. Her bloodshot eyes swollen with tears. Her pony tail loose with strands of hair flying in all direction. Her hands on her side, they twist so that the scars on her wrists make themselves visible.
And all at once, I realize that the girl in front of me is non-other than myself. My fingers curl under the hem of my shirt lifting it over and off my head. With only my sports bra on, I bare my stomach yet it's not bare at all. There are scars everywhere.
And the sad part about all of this, is that these aren't even half the scars I've gotten my whole life. These are only the scars I've managed to get in the last six months.
"I hate you," I spit at myself through the mirror. "You're weak. You don't deserve to become a mother, you couldn't save yourself so how will you save your own child?"
Tears stream down my damp cheeks. My hand balls into a fist and I slam it against the mirror shattering it. Eyeing the shards on the vanity table, I pick one up holding it against the scars on my right wrist. My fingers bleed and for a moment, I watch the droplets build up on the ground.
"Summer?" I turn around startled by Kai's voice. As soon as he sees the shard in my hand, he rushes foreword ripping it out of my hold and engulfs me in hug.
Immediately, I push him off me.
"You do not get to do this, okay? Yo
u do not get to push me over the edge and then pull me back! You do not get to play me like that! It's your fault I'm like this again! I hate you Kai!"
"Summer," he tries to hold onto to my hand but I move back.
"No! Just leave Kai and let me be. Let me deal with the wreckage you've left," I sob.
"Summer, I'm so sorry," Kai speaks. I look at him astonished by the sudden apology and sincerity in his tone. "I never wanted any of this to happen. I'm so sorry for the way I've treated you and everything that's going on."
He takes advantage of my weakness and wraps his arms around my body.
"I'm so sorry."
Lost as to what to say or do, I remain quiet letting my sobs do the talking. His heart, beating in my ear, his cologne takes over my sense of smell, and his face takes over the darkness of my lids.
The more I think about it, the more my heart aches. Most people feel blessed when they hear that they're having a kid and here I am, trying to end both our lives.
What is wrong with me? Why can't I be happy?
Because you weren't born to be happy, Summer.
I rip away the feeling of happiness just so that no one else can. There was nothing left to risk anymore. Nothing anyone could use against me. There was nothing that could come in my way, yet there might be this human inside of me. If it's born, everything I've worked for will be gone. The only purpose in my life will be to look after it and make sure nothing like what I go through, happens to it. Will it be worth it? For the life of one, should I sacrifice what could help an infinite amount of people?
"Hey," Kai takes a step back, and looks over me. His eyes full of worry. His hands land on my shoulders as he gets me to take a seat on my bed. "I'll be right back with the first aid kit."
I watch him enter the bathroom end exit within seconds coming out with the first aid kit in his hands. Kneeling down on his knees, he sets the box down on the floor and reaches for my bloody hand.
I comply with his actions letting him take control. He pulls out a cotton ball and wets it with an antiseptic before starting to wipe off the blood. As he damps the fluffy ball, I try not to wince.
